happy birthday to me

two notes. first, gone update. maybe not gone, but in the middle of being logiced to death. two, best birthday message yet. Happy birthday to the Wolf! Recall as predators age they must become more crafty to compensate for their diminished ability."

gone

Well... i think my little crush is finally subsiding. Not quite subsiding, really... but i've just logiced it to death... decided that it wasn't real and not worth wasting time thinking about. Still, i'd like to tell her how i felt... just to say it out loud... but I doubt I will. It probably wouldn't be a good idea. It never was a good idea in the first place

who am i kidding. that is all a lie. a big lie. trying to logic it to death, but it's just not working. logic can only extend so far

hrmm

is the reason that artists--visual artists, musicians, authors--move me so much is that I cannot do what they do? I think that may be the case, tho I wish it weren't true.

NOM NOM NOM!!!

Bacon cupcakes? THEY'RE NOT A MYTH!!! I've SEEN THEM!!!!!!

craziness

This is called the "smart carry"
More like the Eunuch Maker, if you ask me. Or perhaps, the insanely stupid holster. Keep guns away from me in general; keep that holster away from me in particular.

kitty cat

back home for now, but watching the cat is pretty cool. I don't think he likes me much yet, tho. He spent much of the evening batting at me in one way or another, and ocassionally running into the back of my chair.

cat cat catty cat

Well, i'm condo sitting and cat sitting for Melissa Ullmos cat for a little bit. Which is ok because it gives me some quiet to study and do whatever work I have to do. but that's really all i have to say about that. I'm alone, but no blogging about being lonely today. Alone I am, but I'm trying my hardest to not dwell. Sadly, I dwell better than I do most other things.

el spirito

I just saw on TV a new TV spot for The Spirit, and it has a totally different vibe than anything I've seen in the past or any of the trailers. I have to assume it's because the early press has been sooooo negative that they are trying to package the movie differently so that people will actually go see it. But, even if it's not as bad as it looks, who wants to go see the Spirit on Christmas day? This seems like a train wreck to me.

Old:




I can't find the new one. basically it focuses more on action and how "EXPLOSIVE" and "MIND BLOWING" it is. I mean, it could be mind blowing-ly bad.

numero dos

SO I just went back and read some posts from last year. that's bad news bears. tho, i'm surprised at how terrible my writing has been recently, and how ok my writing was in some of those posts last year. to be clear, i was not then, nor will i ever, kill myself. I just get depressed. And like Wall-E, I'm a lonely robot who wants EV-E to share his world with. But also like Wall-E, with no EV-E, I just go back to doing my thing.

hrmmm

I often think about why I keep this blog. Of course, it started as a way to document my trip to england, but what has it become? I'd like to think that it's just a way to remind me, years from now, what was going on in my mind at this time. But is it? well, only partly, i guess. I mean, first, i don't really share all that's going on in my mind. Sure, I'm fairly honest... but I'm also afraid to write some things because I know that people I know read it and I don't want to embarass myself too too much. But also, I there are definitely just parts of my psyche that I don't want others to know. what am i writing here? I don't really know. I spend a lot of time blogging about girls, but perhaps that's because it's a "safe" blog topic. and it's on my mind. But it's hardly all that's going on. Surely the bar and thinking of moving and trying to write cover letters are more important and take up more of my thoughts. Do the reason girls come up so often here is that I blog before going to bed and always feel a little extra lonely at night? Perhaps. I am lonley, but its not crippling. I love my friends, and have recently been reminded that I have some truely great friends--and a lot of really great acquaintances. But its times like when I'm lonely on a saturday night that I wish for mre.

I'm going to be spending sometime condo sitting for Melissa Ullmo. More time alone, I suppose... but this alone I think is good. I actually like being alone, I just wish I coudl choose when I was alone or not.

instead

Instead of embarrassing myself thoroughly, I'm only going to do it half way. More thoughts on girls, always.

I think I must be different than a lot of guys. Since I've been single for about 4 years now, Mike's been trying to give me pointers on how to end that. But the truth is that I don't really want to follow anything he suggests. See, unlike most guys, i'm not sexually attracted to most women upon first meeting them. Unlike most guys, I don't want to date or sleep with every pretty girl I meet. It's just not me. Instead, I've found that it takes a while for me to get to that point. I think it's probaby because I see myself as a hard person to be good friends with. I mean, I have a lot of acquiantances... people I like, but I count "friend" as a special designation. Friends are the people I think about when they arent around. Friends are people I'm willing to share important thoughts and feelings with. Acquaintances are just people I meet in coffee shops who I like, but ultimately will probably fall out of contact with over the years. Friends, to me, are in it for the long haul.

Anyway, I think that, because I'm a little kookie, or at least I see myself that way, I don't really develop sexual attraction to the girls I meet until we've already developed a friendship. Combine this with the fact that I'm deathly afraid of rejection, and I'm terrified to ask girls out, and you have a very bad situation for me to actually go out with a girl. See, because I've found that after becoming a friend with a girl, I'm off the "to date" list. at least, that's been my experience so far. And what then happens is that I ask a girl out who I like as a friend, and have develop most feelings for, and I get shot down.

And then the danger begins. Because at that point, I've weirded our friendship. or at least potentially. Because she either never had physical feelings for me, or she's lost them... and while I'm fine going back to just being friends, she may not be. at least, that's what's happened often. And we stop being friends. And it's very difficult for me to lose a friend, probably because when someone becomes my friend, I emotionally invest in our relationship, whether I show it or not.

Ok. I guess this is where I write that I've developed quite a fondness for a friend of mine. (who is probably reading this right now, and god I hope not, but if she is, I'm sorry). And I don't want to say anything because I like spending time with her; I like calling her a friend. And I don't want that to go away. But sometimes it makes me sad...because I look at her and think "god you're beautiful and funny and smart and cool... why aren't you into me at all?"

Fortunately, I know it will go away over time. My stupid crushes always do. So, and I hope she's not reading this, but if you are reading, please don't feel weird. I'm just lonely and well you're nice to me and you're beautiful and funny and smart and cool. And I spend too much time alone.

And, I mean, asking Sarah out ended up not weirding our friendship. Instead, I'd say that it probably loosened it up, because now I don't ever think about it. She's a friend who I care about, but I don't have to worry about trying to date her. I got that out of the way.

So who knows what I'll do.

Why is this all coming out? Perhaps it's because of the wedding. Perhaps its because of my birthday. Perhaps its because i'm lonely. who knows.

Wedding issue 3: sunday sunday sunday. oh what an amazing weekend

Sunday Sunday Sunday.

I woke up early and laid in bed for a while. And then went downstairs for breakfast, met up wtih Suzi and Sean before they left, said by and congrats to everyone one more time and then split. I had yet another engagement: lunch with Nooree and Missy.

Ahhh what a great cap to a great weekend. Obviously, it was great to see Nooree and I've always liked Missy, from our first day in Contracts. I really don't quite know why we get along so well--we really dont share that many similarities--but we do and its great. And of course, any excuse to spend a few hours with Nooree is good for me. Nooree then mentioned to me that she was getting together with Aimee later that day for dinner and asked if I wanted to as well. Of course! I'm no fool! So we got coffee, walked around polaris, and met up with Aimee for dinner. I only wish I'd thought of some palce other than Northstar, but my knowledge of columbus is dwindling.

anyway, Sunday was basically as awesome as I could imagine. What a great cap to an amazing weekend. All day with Nooree, and I got to see Missy and Aimee. How great is that!? I sort of wish I wasn't falling asleep all day--considering I'd barely slept since Friday.

However, even tho it was amazing, as always, my drive home, and every day since sunday, has been filled with contemplation. I wish I lived in Columbus still. I wish I didn't have to retreat into my bar studying cave now. I wish I could.... but more on that later.

I'm a professional at embarassing myself.

Wedding: Issue 2. game day

I love suzi and sean. That's the basic lesson I learned from the wedding. They are absoletly two of my favoritest people in the world and I'm lucky to be friends with them.

What can I say besides the wedding was perfect and beautiful. I cried. a little. I could type on and on about it, but truthfully, it wouldn't capture how great everything was. From my end, everything was perfect. I walked both of his grandmothers down the aisle, then his mother, then Sean's mom and I had to go light a candle, then I walked Erica and Megan both down and back. And it all went smoothly (besides my horrible shaking when I was lighting the candle).

Then the reception. Again, I had a blast. More importantly, it is a day I'll never forget, because I was truely part of it. When I was asked to be in the wedding, I figured "no big deal." But I've since realized that to be part of Suzi and Sean's wedding really means to be part of them as a married couple. To always be part of somethign special.

To be honest, I never really thought that they would think of me as important to their relationship. But I was wrong. I'm oddly insecure about my friendships. I seem to think that poeple will just stop liking me for no real reason. I seem to assume that people dont really like me at al. But they proved to me that I was wrong (at least with respect to them). Instead, I felt important, wanted, loved.

I often say that it's something special to be loved by someone who doesnt have to love you. Thats why dating seriously is a great thing. Because there is another person who cares if you wake up in the morning. Who wants to be with you because its you. And who cares about you even though they dont have to. They care about you because you're you. And to me, that's special. I assume my family will love me. That's how we are. NO drama, no nothing. We all just care for each other because we're Wolfsons and we're family. And that's great. But its a whole other thing all together to have someone care about you when they aren't family. When they are just some people you met in a coffee shop. And who have no reason for liking you beyond you yourself. I never thought that they cared about me. I was wrong.

Suzi and Sean, you are great people and I wish you a long and wonderful life. Thank you again for letting me be part of your wedding. I will never forget.

And I said, what about...two times over

So, having recently watched Breakfast at Tiffany's, I decided I wanted to read the novella it was based on. One thing Andrew commented on while watching the movie is that, without Audrey Hepburn's performance, Holly Golightly would have been an awful person. I think this observervation is pretty right on, especially after reading the novella. She really does some not nice things, but Audrey Hepburn is so wonderful, so likable, that you can't help but like her. In fact, Nooree had a very good, and very correct observation as well, that the final scene is crucial to her character in the movie. Because, in the end, she ultimately goes back for the cat, and to George Pepard (HANNIBAL!!!! from the A-team), we feel a pathos for Holly. The entire time she's had her outside face on; she's been telling a lie to the audience. The lie in the persona of Holly Golighty. But in the end, she breaks down and you see the real, scared, lonely girl on the inside, whatever her real name is. In the novella, you get glimpses of this girl just like in the movie. you see her break down when her brother dies. You see Doc return and get a picture of where she comes from and why she is who she is. And indeed, after she shoos away Cat, she chases after him. But, importantly, she doesnt catch him, and she leaves the narrator. This is an important difference between Holly Golightly in the novella and in the film. In both, you feel some degree of sadness becuase you know that Holly is messed up and that there is a better person underneith her Holly Golightly persona she has created. But in the novella, unlike the book, she decideds, in the end, to keep up the persona, and even embrase it. It is who she is now. She even says at one point that you can train yourself to love older men. Well, she had trained herself to be who she is--a person who is nly interested in other people for her own gain. But in the movie you get the impression she actually does care for the George Peppard, and this is confirmed when she goes to him in teh end. you see her broken and confused. The rain is certainly a symbol of catharsis--it washes away the bullshit, self assured, shallow Holly outside and reveals the scared girl underneith.

Ultimately, I liked both the movie and the novella quite a bit. I probably prefer the movie, just because of Audrey Hepburn, but that's not to say that I didn't liek the book. Quite the opposite, I read it all, 110 pages, in one evening without stopping. quite good. worth checking out.

But, as always these days, it makes me think about my relationship girls. The Narrator (who I'll call Fred, since he's never given a proper name in teh novella) clearly cares more for Holly than she cares for him. And she probably cares more for him than she does for anyone but her brother. But what saddens me about that is that I realize how easy it is for us guys to fall for a girl who is not into us at all. And you love her even though you realize she has terrible flaws and that she'll never love you back. Why is that? In Holly's case, does it have to do with seeing underneath some thing to love. Or does it have to do with her undeniable sexuality? I don't know. For me, do I fall for girls who don't like me back because of a want of the unattainable, or perhaps its self-defeating because I'm scared of being too close to someone and getting hurt and I subconsciously don't want a relationships? Or is it that undeniable sexuality? Is it just, as Brain Wilson sang, the way the sunlight bounces off her hair? Something in the clothes she wears? Or is it just because she's nice to me? Who knows. This is just the babbeling of someone who should have gone to bed already.

wedding: issue 1. Friday rehersal

Soooooo where to begin. I have so much to write. So many thoughts about this weekend that need to be addressed. but as long as i'm going in chronological order, I may as well just talk about friday and then deal with my ruminations after. Tho.. i'm sure I'll include somethings along the way. And I apologize... any interesting thoughts about relationships or anything else will have to wait until tomorrow. Today is just a recap so I dont forget in the future how great this weekend was.

Soooooo, I arrived in town about 3 on Friday with every intention of doing some work for a fw hours and then going to rehearsal. Of course, I went to Staufs, and instead of working, I caught up with everyone there: Phil, Jay, Loring, Phil some more, Andrew Tauken, maybe some other people. Loring was a special treat. I always enjoy talking to her, and Friday she seemed to be particularlly cheery. Whatever the case, I told her of my girl woes, and she told me I was attractive, so I think that's a score. She also tried to assure me that the 30s are good and the 40s aren't bad either... I'm still skeptical, but hey....whatever.

Then I went off to rehersal. So, I was a groomsman in the wedding, but I didn't really know what that meant. I knew I had to walk Erica down the aisle, but other than that, completely lost. Well, I was drafted by Sean to walk his two grandmas and his mom down the aisle. Then his mom and I had to go up to the front of the church to light a candle. Then I had to go up to the alter during the vows. Then walk not one, but two bridesmaids, both down and back. WAYYYY more responsibilities than i was prepared for. Can I just say, I was nervous. Sure, sean was the one getting married and all, but I figure, I had the first chance to burn down the church. that would have been greeeeeeeeat.

After rehearsal was rehersal dinner at Spagios. And this forshadowed the awesomeness of the weekend. Dinner, the food, was nice... fine. about what was expected. What was unexpected was twofold. First, I always forget how great Suzi and Sean's friends are. I never felt weird or out of place. I mean, I guess I had met a lot of these people before, but really, all I really knew was Erica. Nevertheless, dinner was a great time talking with Prakash, Puja (if that's how she spells her name) Megan, Suzi, Sean, maybe someone else I'm forgetting. Very normal, very awesome. Second, I always forget how awesome suzi and sean are (something I would be reminded of for the next two days). As expected, they gave all the bridesmaids and groosmen gifts for attending. To me, as if they were reading my mind, they gave me a toy (i like puzzles and haven't beaten it yet), some coffee (I love coffee), a gift card to whole foods (i likes whole foods), and a copy of the Ominvore's Dilemma. What was most amazing about that was that I had just been saying to Puja that I wanted to read that. And lo and behold, they gave it to me. amazing.

After dinner, I stayed at Sarah's spare room. We watched Frontiers, this french horror movie which was both totally bloody and very compelling. and then the Decent, a surprisingly good movie. I'd heard it was good, but I was skeptical. Still, it was really enjoyable. I should mention at this point (and I have more thoughts on this later) that I'm very happy that I'm friends with Sarah. I just assumed after my failed attempt at asking her out, our friendship would be weirded beyond repair. Instead, it has made me feel pretty good because I don't have to worry about trying to date her. I'm just her friend, and that's good for me. But, more on that later.

For now, really should leave. Tomorrow, i'm going to write about how intensely great the rest of the weekend was, and, if i have time, I'm going to write about my thoughts. However, I'm supposed to go out with Marta later and that might get in the way. Marta, I'm also very happy that we are still friends as well. People are often shocked that we're friends, given our history, but the truth is, I like Marta and I don't see a reason for bad history to get in the way of that. If we were to meet today, and we had no past, I would like who she is and count her among my friends. Tho... I'm wondering if my thoughts about Marta and Sarah are indicative of my problem with girls and why I develop stupid crushes (like the one I have right now) far too late in friendships, when it is all but impossible to actually go out with that girl. More on all that later.

wedding post: issue zero

I can't explain how awesome of a weekend I had. I really can't write much now, so I will outline the awesomeness. 1. Friday: arrived in town. Tried to do work. Failed because I spent too much time catching up with people at Staufs. Was told I was good looking by Loring. Always feels good. Went to rehearsal dinner. Amazing. Suzi and Sean are awesome. watched frontiers and decent. both very good. 2. saturday. wedding. amazing. suzi and sean are awesome. unbeatable friends. they are a great couple. danced for liek 2 hours. feet hurt. 3. sunday. met up with Nooree and Missy for lunch. hung out with Nooree after lunch. had dinner with Nooree and Aimee. Basically, thats the best day i could possibly hope for. added to the amazing wedding, and I was walkin' on sunshine as katrina and the waves would say. then, very long and tiring drive home. I will write more later... i had to write something now. just in case I get lazy and forget, i had to document that this was just one of the best weekends in my life. and then, my ruminations on the whole shebang. but now, back to merritt's work

Antarctica

I can't get over how much I love this video. It's crazy. It starts out as some woman in what appears to be something like a college dorm, and then she opens the door to what only can be another planet. but no,its just Antarctica. awesome. more blogging about the weekend later. more work for merritt right now.

wait. um. false alarm

Well, I was all set to write about my amazing weekend here, first Suzi and Sean's wedding and then the special treat of spending all day on Sunday with Nooree ( with Missy and Aimee in the mix), but I just realized I'm far too tired for that. I have a lot to write--not only was the weekend completely, 100% fabulous, but it has given me far too much to think about. so, instead, I'll start writing it out tomorrow. Tonight, I needs the sleep.

a thought on yesterday's xkcd

to be fair to myself, I actually really enjoy being friends with women, and it's not that i'm always waiting for her to fall for me. Quite on the contrary, I actually do "value our friendship." That being said, sometimes I wish I weren't ducky.

Mitsuko Uchida

So. last night I went to See Mitsuko Uchida perform with the Cleveland Orchestra. Alone. She was amazing. She was both physically and musically beautiful. And, apparently, the show was being recorded for release on CD next year. All in all, it was pretty excellent. However, I do have 2 reservations. First, I seriously doubt that the show will be used for their recording--the crowd noise was terrible. There was a guy about 3 rows behind me who clearly had emphysema. He had a reperator that went PSSST every once in a while. and then occasionally he would cough this super ultra nasty cough that sorta made me was to puke. Second, during the first part of the show--Mozart's 23 piano concerto, there was this crazy whistling noise. So, Uchida stopped the show after the second movement and gave this "WHAT THE FUCK!??!" sort of look to the crowd. Most everyone giggled, but she shut them up with a simple hand raise, clearly pissed off. I wouldn't blame her. Anyway, it turned otu that it was probably a hearing aid, and it was gone during the second part of the show--Concerto 24. Of course, Mr. Iron lung was still.

any way, I had a great time--I was very very close to the stage, so I got to see Ms. Uchida up close in full glory--but that leads me to my second reservation. I had to go alone. I mean, I didn't really mind.. but seeing all those couples there--no one goes alone to these things--made me really wish I had someone there with me to share the performance with. And it made me wonder if I'm really weird. I think my interests must be bizarrely diverse. I enjoy going to hard rockin' shows and dance pressed up against teh stage and I enjoy sitting and listening to pretty orchestra pieces; I enjoy balls out action movies, and I enjoy dorky art house foreign films; I enjoy art and stage drama; and I like crappy sci fi and fantasy novels. Are other people not the same? I'm beginning to think not. Which I guess is fine, but I think it all leads me to being lonely and having to force myself to do things on my own. That's ok, but it'd be nice to do some things with some people from time to time. Am i the weird one. and am I destined to be alone? Well, at least Uchida was amazing.

wow. xkcd is amazing

It's a little odd to see yourself as a webcomic with stick figures. I don't recall being asked if my pathetic life could be used, but I don't mind. Sigh. As Mike said, you could just superimpose my head in there, and it'd be 100% accurate. sigh. i'm going to die a lonely old man

awesome

I don't like counterstrike at all, but this is pretty damn amazing. I give whoever created this mad mad mad props. On an aside, people think that Van Gogh may have seen the world as his paintings reflect. meaning, he was tripping his face off at all times. that's just about as terrifying as i can imagine. If that's true, there's no wonder he killed himself. How could anyone handle that even for several minutes, let alone several hours, days, weeks, months, years. scary.

hrmm

I was just mean to some Jahova's Witnesses who showed up at the door. Which makes me wonder, should we be nice to Jahova's Witnesses? I mean, I didn't slam the door in their face, but I said "can you get to teh point already, I've got work to do" (which was true). And then told them that I didn't want their literature. Not nice, but not VERY not nice. I feel like, if they're going door to door to let me know that i'm going to hell, I don't really have to put up with all their crap. Get to the point, then get off of my porch. It's times like this when I miss having the apartment security door.

i hate my mom's soap operas

I think I should get an acting or writing job on one of mom's soaps. I mean, they're so terrible! I'm better in every way. I have to be. But i'm not quite as tall or distinctive looking. drat.

It's a mere 29 days until D-day. I'm terrified. I keep getting invites to do stuff on D-day and, for whatever reason, I'm been oddly apprehensive about it. I think there are many reasons. First, even tho I whine all the time about my birthday, I actually don't want people to hang out with me because they feel sorry for me. In fact, quite the opposite. Mom said for a while, I'll send you out to LA with Kathryn. And I kept replying, I want to hangout with my friends, not some of kathryn's friends who are forced to spend time with me. Second, I can't help but see my birthday as an unfortunate milestone in an interesting, uninspired life. every year I look back at how little I've done in life, and this year it's like looking back at 30 years. Third, I'm terrified of the bar and of moving. Because it will, in all likelihood, be a colossal failure. It could work out, sure, but I can't help but think it's a terrible idea. Fourth, it is the last day before a very arduous time of studying during which I will probably not see very much of my friends. Fifth, I imagined my life very differently than it is right now. I'm alone, I'm living at home, I only have a pretend job, I have no real direction....

Ugh. I am a bit lonely right now. There's nothing like being stuck inside my house all day to make me feel like this. The house is ok, but I need my own space. That and I just ate some sugary sweets and now I'm regretting it. The best thing about living on my own is not buying sweets. I'm seriously addicted.

There's not much to write here. I don't have much to say. Oh, one thing. I learned this great word. Mamihlapinatapai. It means "a look shared by two people with each wishing that the other will initiate something that both desire but which neither one wants to start" in Yaghan, the language of the people of Tierra del Fuego. I find it amazingly useful for me. Tho, I suppose a more useful word would be something that meant "a look from one person to another that is trying to convey a feeling and a desperate request for that person to spur the other to initiate something because the first person is far to much of a wussy to do anything."

I'm done. I need to read more for Merritt

tax stuff

I go thru periods where I'm lonelier than others, and right now is one of those times. I'm not sure why... Technically, I'm rarely alone. But I also don't know a lot of people up here who aren't my family. Kevin's great, but I don't see him all that often. And I hang out with Zach and Margaret about once a week, but that still feels a little bit forced to me. And hanging out with their friends makes me feel a bit like a 5th wheel. But I think what it really boils down to is not wanting to be alone for my birthday. And I don't mean that I want to have some huge party and I don't mean that I necessarily want to go out somewhere fancy. What I want is for someone who wants to be with me.

Ok. so the truth is that my 30th birthday is shaping up to be very symbolic for me, as it is for many people. I'm deathly afraid that I'm going to be alone and lonely and a failure for the rest of my life. I really don't have much to show for the past 30 years beyond lots of depression and angst. I haven't done anything of worth. And I'm scared that I'm going to become one of those seemingly jobless directionless coffee shop guys that I see every day. I don't mean Phil. I love Phil and Phil has his thing, even if that's not the thing I want. I mean, there area few creapy guys who hang out around chagrin falls. I've known them, or known of them, for years. and they just kinda hang out at starbucks, and then make their ways over to borders, and then back to starbucks all day and every day. And I think it's probably because they have nothing else. And then i think, I've seen you here every day, which means that I've been here every day. And I have nothing else.

The problem with living in cleveland isn't my family. It isn't that I don't have many friends here. it's that I don't feel like I have a life of my own. I'm planning to blindly move to Oregon because I think that I just need to do something to get out there and do it. But it's a bad idea and I know it. Because in all likelihood, I won't find a job, I'll spend all my savings, and I'll be forced to move back home.

Today is a hard day. I'm really lonely right now. I was recently rejected from a job I really wanted and think i could have been good at. sure, its another on the pile, but man. I just don't get it. Why did I waste 3 years of my life. I was extremely unhappy and working all the time and not going out and not doing anything, and going more into myself and it was all because I thought that doing well in school mattered. But it doesn't. And i know the truth is that it's me. I really don't have any skills and law school didn't give me any. and the more time i spend not working the less likely it is that I'll find a job. The truth is, i'd be a terrible attorney anyway. and I'll never be a teacher. ugh.

a day

Well, it's been 1 month since I last wrote here. I've felt a stunning lack of creativity recently and just haven't had the urge to write anything. That disturbs me a bit. I think I'm a creative person--my stupid mind concocts all sorts of stupid things all the time. But recently, I just haven't felt like doing anything but my work and ride my bike. That's all about to change, tho.
last weekend was quite simply on of the best weekends I've had in a long time. I went down to Columbus to see The Magnetic Fields in concert with Nooree. And it was, in every part, amazing. First, hanging out with Nooree is always great. If you're reading this, I really wish we had spent more time together when I was still living in Columbus, because you're great. She's great. She should totally move out to Oregon with me (hint hint.). And I dragged her with me to see the Magnetic Fields (!!!!). And she tells me that she liked the show. I mean, they were amazing, i think, but im totally biased. It just saddens me that Stephin Merritt doesnt really like playing live. Because I could see him once a week forever and it'd still be great. Their songs are so perfect live. They're the same, but different, so that they are fresh but familiar. Great. I had such an amazing time!
But, more important than just having a great time (which I DID), i came to an important realization while I was talking to her. we were talking about music, and i mentioned that I didn't go to see Lang Lang in concert when he was here with teh Cleveland Orchestra. I wish I had, but I'm sure i made up some lame excuse about being poor and not having the time and begin tired and not wanting to drive. And I realized while talking to her that I hate that I dont do anything. I've been wating for 30 years for something, anyting, to happen to me. and nothing ever has happened and nothing ever will happen. So, screw that. I'm a changed man. I've decided that I'm going to take control of my life. So, Im going to learn to play the ukulele, because I want to. And Im going to see shows when bands that sound interesting come into town, because I want to. and I'm moving to oregon because I want to. and im going to take dance and yoga lessons as soon as i decide where to do that. and im going to start writing again. Its going to be hard for me to actually follow thru at this, because Im so good at being a spoiled sport. but im going to try my hardest. I've often said that i'm sad because my whole time at oberlin is a black hole. I dont remember anything. and its because i wasnt making memories. it was a bad time, and ive cut that part of my brain out, apparently. and i hate that. so now, im making memories. Im going to shows. im going to plays. im learning the things i want to learn. that's the plan anyway.
anyway, after nooree and i parted company, i met up with sarah, which was cool. I wish we'd had more time to hang out, but she was busy. i understand.
then i met back up with nooree. this was my first test of my "just do it attitude" becuase I was nervous about going to hang out with Nooree, even tho it was for Aimee's birthday, and I know Aimee, I thought it would be overly weird for me to go to lunch with a bunch of people i didn't know. Well, i went, because a. I wanted to see Nooree, b. there were several other people there I wanted to see (Simon, Aimee, Jenn), and c. it felt uncomfortable, which means I should do it. and it was amazing. first, all these people, who I'd never met before, were great. I felt totally normal there and I felt very invited, even tho i was a sorta party crasher. And I had a great time. a great time. Life should be more about spending time with the people we like, than waiting for shit to happen, and worrying about the shit that is, or may happen.
then i sped back home to go to another concert with Zach. That was fun (even tho the concert was not really my kind of music) and finally i fell asleep on Zach's couch. all in all, a very long, and very awesome weekend.
and most importantly, my new attitude. just do it. like nike, but better. its going to be hard for me, but I need to. I need to.
on an unrelated note, I need to start up operation "get stephen a date for his birthday." i really really dont want to be alone for my birthday. so, if any of you lovely ladies who are reading this out there either want to spend the new years with a short, goofy portuguese guy, or know a lovely lady who would like to spend new years with a short, goofy portuguese guy, let me know. :) seriously. I really dont want to be alone. i'm not staying home. when 2335 hits, and i officially turn thirty, i will not be home. or if i am, i wont be alone here. actually, aaron invited me to philly... which is a definite possibility. but who knows.

holy shit, im turning thirty. mike turned 30 today. holy shit. holy shit. ugh. oregon is goign to be great. its going to be hard to be the new me, but im going to try. moving to oregon is the first step. i need to break away. i wish, of course, someoen would give me a job out there. but realistically speaking, no one is going to. so, just go. just do it. thank you, Nooree, for coming with me, and for dinner, and for inviting me out with you guys. and come to oregon. :)

akdja

believe it or not, I've been trying to be more positive. i'm not good at being positive. I was totally born about 150 years too late. I would have been good as a professional complainer in teh salons in Europe during the mid 1800s.

not quite done, a little ashamed

I'm sad to say that I'm not quite done with my sex and the city journey. I have 1 more episode to watch and then the movie. I got stalled because I've been really down for the past several days. I got to take a trip down to columbus on monday under the guise of seeing an apartment. But in reality I just wanted to see some friends and get out of chagrin for the day. and I did and that was nice. But since, more rejection slips keep rolling in and every one is another straw on my already broken back. I'm not good with rejection. I wonder if i should even try. should i just give up? at this point, once again, i think it would have been smarter to stay at borders and work in that system than where i am now. But I sort of always make the wrong decision. I don't really understand why I worked hard in school if this is what it has turned into. I also wish that anyone thought the work i've done researching mattered at all. I mean, I've realized at this point it that peopel think of it about as worthwhile as doing nothing. I guess. So I have no experience for things that I'm educated to do and too much education for the things i'm experienced at doing. Borders won't even give me a job right now. I know. I applied with them.

this is not a fun kind of unemployment. this is not the kind where i can enjoy my lack of schedule or responsiblities. because all i do is worry about the impending doom of december. bday and loans due. and keep applying for anything i see. i need to get out of here.

6 more episodes in teh bank, 6 more to go

why are all the guys, expect john corbet, fucked up douche bags?
I do appreciate Kyle Maclachlan. He's funny. but he's playing a totally absurd character.

I continue to hate samantha. will she ever do anything sympathetic? the writing can be quite good when the show is being serious and when its not doing its sorta sit com thing.

the voice overs don't do it for me

someone should drive a truck into big. tell me someone drives a truck into him. imdb tells me he's in the movie and john corbett isn't. Maybe its in flash backs. because johh corbett kills him with a shotgun and then kills himself. and so she's having a dream of big, for no good reason. I can dream, can't I

6 episodes down, something like 12 to go and 1 movie to go

Ok.... 6 episodes is probably good for tonight. that's one disk in. and I have some more impressions. John Corbet is awesome. Alanis was in one episode (which ruled)... and I really want to know if this is how women actually are. Because i've heard a lot of women talking about they relate to this show, but well... i mean, guys talk shallow about women, but i mean, damn, these women are shallow. except for miranda. who i continue to love. she's excellent. and john corbet. he's amazing. I wish i owned the entire run of northern exposure. I'd watch it right now. because chris is one of the greatest characters to have ever graced tv.

the really good thing about this show is that i feel like the characters are real friends. except samantha. who continues to suck. i guess its not surprising that most of her story lines seem to be unconnected with everyone else. she sucks.

4 episodes in and some thoughts

I hate samantha. I hate Kim Catrell. I know samantha may be supposed to be hated, and if so, they they succeeded. because I hate her.

I love Miranda. I think she's by far the most realistic character. She's conflicted confused awkward. She can't make up her mind. I really like her.

I like charolette. She's cute and funny. the episode where she thinks she has fat thighs or whatever made me think of something. damn vogue and elle. women shouldn't obsess about how they look. We like you... trust me.

I haven't made up my mind on carrie. She goes from evil to sweet and sympathetic in like one minute. She ocassionally has real moments, but then goes right back to being a characture. oh, and SJP's voice is really cute. This movie makes me want to watch the goofy movie. that movie rules.

more episodes. more thoughts later.

The journey begins

So, inspired by Experts and Intermediates, I've decided to conduct my own Sex and the City experiment. I've acquired my own copies of season 3 and the movie and I'm about to sit down and start watching. It's a bit later than I wanted to start but no matter, I'm going to kill several episodes tonight.

First, as any good experiment, I should address the pre-experiment situation and any biases I may have.

I've never watched sex and the city. I think I caught like 5 minutes of one episode back in 2001 or so when Josh was watching, but that's about it. Looking at the cover of the box set, I'll say that SJP is still really not good looking. I can't get it out of my head. I also think Kim Catrel is pretty ugly and apparently I have to see her naked a bunch. I'll fight thru it. Also on the cover are two other women. I don't know who they are. The brunette is very pretty; the redhead kinda has a serious face on that doesn't make much sense.

And I expect the show to be firmly directed toward women; not me. BUUTTT, i really like romantic comedies and those are directed toward women too, but maybe this will work for me. And I like women's fashion. I wish my fashion sense was better for myself--I can usually tell what looks good on women, but me, i can't seem to dress myself. Mom trained me well for her kind, but not mine.

Also, i know that a lot of women watch this as a communal thing and they talk about their experiences and how much this show is like them. I don't think i'm going to get that watching it alone.

finally, i hear there are a lot of bad puns. I hope that's not a problem.

Alright. time to procure some caffeine and then on with the show. more to follow.

thoughts.

I had something to write here, but I've decided to censor it. I've never done that in the past and now I'm pretty disappointed in myself. But I've decided that I can feel sorry for myself in my own head, and I don't need whoever reads this to read it.

holy shit balls

Myspace's Tom was an uber-hacker back in the 80s!!!!!! all of a sudden, I like him way better than i did before.

http://www.techcrunch.com/2008/08/30/myspace-cofounder-tom-anderson-was-a-real-life-wargames-hacker-in-1980s/

holiday

Let’s go away for a while
You and I
To a strange and distant land
Where they speak no word of truth
But we don’t understand anyway
HOL-I-DAY
Far away

So… I decided, against my better judgment to take a trip down memory lane. Actually, a drive…A drive down Mayfield Rd., to be exact. And now, I write this, as I sit here in Phoenix Coffee on Coventry (what used to be a caribou) and look across the way at Bodega (what used to be Utrecht) and think. And get nostalgic. And wonder, who the hell I am today.
While Kathryn and Andrew may not understand this—and there goes most of my principal audience—Coming to Coventry is more of a homecoming than going home is for me. Andrew and Kathryn probably won’t understand this—and so, there goes most of my audience—but Bainbridge was never really my home. Oh, sure, I lived there for 22 years or so (minus several spent in Columbus, of course)…but really, it was just the place that my family was. Part of it is, of course, because I went to Gilmour and not Kentston. I only really had 1 friend who lived in Bainbridge—Mike. And while he is by far my oldest friend, most of our time together was not spent in Bainbridge either. No…that’s one reason why I tell people I’m from Chagrin Falls. I spent much more time there, drinking horrendous amounts of coffee at YT, then I ever did at home.
But really, once I had my own car, I spent all my time out this way. Cleveland Heights. Coventry. Home. I have always felt very comfortable here. Like it is a place I belong. And even returning here for the first time in a very long time—I think Kevin and I ate at Tommy’s sometime earlier this year, but I can’t quite remember right now—I feel good here. Even tho the fucking Greatful Dead is playing on the radio, I feel like this is where I’m from. I can’t explain it.
I’ve said that Columbus feels more like my home now than Cleveland does, but I’m beginning to realize that’s not quite true. I have, in fact, grown to like Columbus for several reasons… 1. I feel like I have a life there. In Cleveland, in Bainbridge, I have no life. I have my family’s life. I hang out around the house, go into chagrin, eat too many cookies, and watch too much tv. But in Columbus, I have my life. I had my apartment. I had my routine. I had my places. Separate from my family. Entirely. In fact, they never came to visit me. Well, maybe once. But far less than they ever visited Kathryn. Of course, she lives way father away, and she rarely comes home any more. But still, it was nice being separate.
But now, being back in Coventry, I feel right here. And its weird that I should feel this way. Because Coventry is barely what it was when I was here. Arabica is gone, replaced with neo-grog shop. The Centrum is gone, for all intents and purposes. The people are too old. And, most importantly, no one I know is here. No Marta. No Sara. No Lowell. No random encounters with Marta’s friends. And me, sitting here with my coffee and my Mac. It’s all different…But I don’t feel awkward… Like I so often do. (Aside: I feel awkward like 90% of the time. I never know what to say, what to do, how to behave, ugh).
Why? Because Coventry is where I had a life. I had my own life. I had my friends. My places. My routine. Not my family. I love them; they’re great. But I don’t want their life. I need my own life.
And this settles this. I need to move. I need to move from my parents’ house. Columbus is a good enough way point, but I need to go further. If I didn’t have all this pesky debt, I’d seriously consider just packing up and going. Any fucking where. I want to go over seas. I want my own life.
This blog has gone on far too long. Anyone who may even ever check this has certainly given up reading by now. But this is my confessional. I realize that no one I know will ever care about this things I have to write. That’s why I don’t tell people a lot of what I’m thinking. I always forget that people don’t really want the long version (Andrew had to speed me up today while I was telling something about a legal case). But I get why people go to therapists: Because they have something to say, and it’s nice to have someone to listen who cares. Even if that care is fake, or at least paid for.

sick and goddamn tired

I'm a little sick and goddamn tired of hearing Bela Legosi, I mean Karoli, say that the Chinese Girls Gymnastic team is underage. And i'm even more tired of hearing everyone in the US parrot the same back. Yes, I get it... they look young. And hell, they may even be under 16. Who knows. I sure as shit don't. But what annoys me about it is that i am 100% convinced it is driven by fear and pissed-off ness of the US by being bested by Red China. Yup. Fucking cold war all over again. Look at the commies. Commie cheaters. Fucking commie cheaters. Fucking red cheater bastards who have little girls gymnasts who are better than our little girl gymnasts. You know what? The men's team was fucking awesome, right? And no one said they were under age. In fact, I think I noticed that one of those dudes was 29. My age. like way older than any of the americans. And they rocked. why? Maybe because they have a great team will hella skill. Cooozaaaaeeeie, huh? Maybe the little girls are just good? Maybe... fuck.
I always like the olympics in theory, but then they come on, and it strikes me that they should be about the world coming together in friendly competition, but instead they are world politics at their worst. Look how much better than we are than every other country in the world!!! Look!!!! LOOOK!! We have more medals. Michael Phelps is a fucking mer-man (dad MER-MAN!) Look how hot-sauce our girls beach volley ball team is! Look!!! and the worst is "look how different and weird the chinese commies are. fucking red china." The Olympics should be about bringing the world together, not about tearing it apart even more than it already is. These should not be our champions--national avatars--but they should be our representatives...the people who speak a universal language of sport. Who show that we are more similar than different. It shouldn't be about fucking medal counts. Or whatever. goddamn. But instead all I get to hear all day is how different china is from the US. Fine. I get it. fucking commies. Better dead than red, right? gaaaahhhh.
This world is so fucked up. True, this world has always been fucked up. but I've always wanted to believe that we are headed for better times, not worse. I've always wanted to believe that man has good in him... but just like darth vader, he is more machine now than man...twisted and evil. But there is good in him, I've felt it. I'm losing hope. All i see is people who can't see beyond their own noses. Who have these disturbingly narrow world views.
Ahhh... and so it comes back to the midwest. Its no secret that I think that midwesterners have a particularly bad problem with narrow world views. From my observational research, midwesterners tend to be from teh midwest, grow up in the midwest, and never, ever move out of the midwest. And all around them are other people from the midwest. They are born, grow up, live, and die all without ever realizing, or caring, of what the rest of the world is like. And i think that's a problem. I know that my own world view is disgustingly narrow. I try to broaden my horizons. I try to stay open to anything new. but I'm bad at it. I too like comfort. I like knowing what I know. (I know what I'll know. I'll say what I say...). But I need it to end. I need to escape. I need to grow up.... and maybe the only way to do that is move far the hell away. who knows?
sigh. this was supposed to be a quickie...and like all my stream of consciousness rants, it went around and around and wound up at me feeling sorry for myself. oh well. I think all i really want to say is, shut the fuck up, bela (legosi) Karoli. Go back to your crypt. (does anyone else think he sounds like dracula?)

check it out

This is frighteningly accurate. honestly. think about it.

In other news, my bike hit a new top speed for it today. 41.64 mph. damn, i love her. she needs a name, tho. hrmmmm

this is fun

from myspace, funny: "every time that i see one of these surveys, it is always dumb. it is the same set of questions every time. but not this one! give it a try...

Go to www. urbandictionary. com and type in your answer to each question in the search box, then write the FIRST definition it gives you.



here goes:


1) Your name?: stephen

"1. Greek in origin, I've come to the conclusion that Stephen is just about the coolest male name. Whether it's prnounced 'Stef-an' or 'Steve-en' doesn't matter, it's just awesome.
Steph and Stevie are also the coolest nicknames.
Some famous Stephens include Stephen King, Stephen Fry, and Stephen Hawking.

Stephen is an awesome name. "

HAHAH!!

"2.
a guy who needs to learn when they are liked by a girl and should ask them out "

ummm... fate, are you trying to tell me something? there IS a girl i should ask out, but I'm far too much of a sissy.

2) Your age?: 29

"1. 29 is akin to, in the words of most, "Humping a Humpback whale"

The 2 from sideways looks like a whale's hump and tail, hence the whale part, and the 9 is you. 29 resembles you humping a whale. It is a strange new thing that is catching on rapidly.
"I got number 29." Grant said.

"Oh silly," I said, "Don't you know that means? It means you humped a humpback whale."

qua? nani? huuh?

"3. 29 centimeters. The traditional length of a balisong (butterfly knife). Approxiamatly 11.4 inches, of which the blade makes up for about 5 inches and the handle the rest.
I have numerous cuts on my hands from playing with my 29. "

awesome. you probably don't know this about me, but I used to collect butterfly knives. I'm really good with one. honestly. really fucking good. Rodney once gave me his because he was afraid that he was going to kill himself with it. I still have that butterfly knife. I'll never forget rodney.

3) One of your friends?: kevin

"1.
Anglicized form of the Irish name Caoimhín, derived from the older Irish Coemgen, composed of the Old Irish elements coem "kind, gentle, handsome" and gein "birth". Saint Caoimhin established a monastery in Ireland and is the patron saint of Dublin.
Kevin and I are going to the park."

Kevin IS kind, gentle, and handsome! scarey!

"2.
v. The act of hip-thrusting. The body is positioned in such a manner in which the movement of the pelvic muscles is maximized whereas the movement of the rest of the body is minimized. The hips are then thrusted back and forth in rapid succession. See HardGay.
After winning the epic warcraft match, Daniel kevined his monitor."

huh? awesome. i hope you're reading this kevin

"3.
A Portuguese slang for penis
"Woah thats a big kevin"

god i love my Portuguese roots.

4) What should you be doing?: working

"
a form of the word work, to perform duties or labor, (sometimes used as opposite of broken, or as synonym for functioning*) "

boring but accurate. go check out "sleeping" my second option. it's... ummm.. embarrassing.

5) Favorite Food?: dunno. i'll go with pizza

"1.

The perfect meal--an open-faced pie using tomato sauce, cheese, and any manner of meat toppings. In addition to the standard, medium-thick-crust pizza, there are two major American varieties: New York style, also called thin crust; and Chicago style, also called 'deep-dish' or (more accurately) 'stuffed' pizza.

Pizza is the perfect meal, man. A slice for lunch, a whole pie for dinner, and cold pizza for breakfast--hallalujah"

meh.

6) Hometown?: Chagrin falls

"

A small, midwest town of several thousand located south east of the Cleveland Metropolis. Originally an old miner town, this historically upper-middle class town has become a minor center of commerce- its many stores along Washington Street include boutiques, restaurants, and gift shops. Its youth, who attend Chagrin Falls Exempted High School are known for their juvenile tendencies that include but are not limited to: stealing, trespassing, and underage consumption. These problems are minor, compared to the fact that the school ranks consistantly in the top 100 public schools in America- giving notion to the fact that the town's students have prematurely developed a degree of maturation, as evidenced by the balance of academic and social aspects practiced. This balance manifests in the school's alumni base, which encompasses many of the most successful persons in Cleveland and abroad. It's student athletes are referred to as Tigers, and the high school consists of many middle of the road, average sized teams.

1. My family is considering watching the Blossom Parade in Chagrin Falls.

2. The Chagrin Falls students stole my pumpkins for the third time this year!

3. I'm bored, I'm driving over to Chagrin Falls to party.

4. Students from Chagrin Falls are well prepared for the real world due to their academic and social tendencies.

5. Chagrin Falls has won the Chagrin Valley Conference many times."

AWWWW SHIT!!! lets see what Cleveland has to say.

"2. We have rappers like Fat Al and Chip Da Ripper
We're poor as fuck
We got lots of sports teams most of witch suck but Cavs are comin' up and we're all waitin fo r a Indians season
Our lake, Eire, has cought on fire not once but three times
It snows on easter and not christmas
You got more drugs in our suburbs then in Colmubus
Rock started here and since then its been dry here"

HA!! DNA Level C is my favorite cleveland name. lets see what columbus has.

"7. The act of stealing for one's personal use, to gank something which is not yours. Roots of this word come from Christopher Columbus' expedition to the Americas where he consequently stole land from the American Indians.

Ted: Where'd you get all of these CD's?
Ron: Man, you know I went Columbus on the video store and took all of them."

ha! i'm going to start using that.

7) Middle name: MANUEL (BITOCH!!!! I miss vovo).

"1.

Originally coming from Hebrew, as most of the names finished in -EL (God). Manuel means "God is with us".

Very common in Spanish-speaking countries, but also in other countries in a similar form (e.g. Emmanuel in Italy).

Manuel es un gran amigo mio

Translation: Manuel is a good friend of mine"

I've seriously been thinking about going as manuel. who's with me?

"2. in guatemala, a "manuel" is similar to saying a tight ass or a stingy person. So pretty much is someone who doesnt like to spend a lot of money and thinks everything is expensive. They want discounts on everything.

Why are you charging me gas money to take me 5 blocks over. Stop being such a manuel."

Ummm... that's not so nice

8) Car you drive?: Mini cooper

"

A person of the female persuasion who is much smaller physically, much like how the minicooper car is much cmaller compared to other automobiles. This small size of the female compared to the male makes for very exciting possiblities during sexual intercourse because of the ease with which the female could be manipulated. The mini cooper S is much the same but for perhaps a smaller size and more attractive than the normal version.

Eva Longoria, 5'2"
Eva Longoria is a mini cooper"

huh...... who'dathunk it... i need help with my lingo, apparently.

9) Last person you talked to on the phone? (it was actually kevin, but he already got a spot, so im going with someone else. ) Kathryn

"1.

Quiet, but crazy, a little bit spaztic, and a whole lot of amazing.

J: "I love Kathryn, she may be a spazo, but she's fantastic.""

yep.. that's pretty true.

"2.

pretty amazing girl who can shake that booty at any time at any place.

woah, that girl on the bar top...yeah, she's doing the kathryn"

I hope you're reading this, kathryn

10) Your last name? wolfson

" A sorry excuse for a dean"

ouch! damn, what did i do to him?

further musings

I've been thinking about myself alot recently. I suppose I do that often, but hey... that's what I do. And so recently I've been thinking about where i am and who I am at this point in my life.

Cleaning up my apartment today made me think today about possessions. I've decided that I want to have less possessions rather than more. I really don't own very much...I have almost no furniture, but it is still hard to collect everything, pack everything, and move everything. And it makes me not want to move. Ever. and that saddens me. It's no secret to anyone who knows me that I'm disappointed that I've never really traveled or lived anywhere other than Ohio. It's not that I have anything wrong with Ohio, really, its that I feel like I need to be out. I feel sheltered. I feel inexperienced. I feel like there is so much that I need to see...that i need to learn, and I just haven't been able to yet. But there are so many things that tie us down to one place. Possessions are at the top of the list. I don't want to move, because I don't want to haul my bed across the world. I don't want to abandon my computer. I love my movies. What's more, my current profession (or, not really) ties you down to one place. You take the bar somewhere and you stay there, unless you are willing to take it again... and why woudl any one do that. Besides, you're building your future at whatever firm you're at. Do youreally want to give up the partnership track? Now, I get that. security is nice. a real, professional life is nice. and sure, if i had a real job, i may feel differently...but i still hate that your work and your possessions tie you down to one place. as far as im concerned, the only thing good enough to tie you down to one place is family.

speaking of family, it was my grandparent's 60th anniversary this weekend. And once again, I got very melancholy about age. Not only do i feel old myself, but I looked at my family and just got very scared. Where did the time go? Where has my life gone? Time is cruel. Life is cruel. my mind is cruel.

I feel like I'm always waiting for things to happen. I say that a lot, but its always true. I have such trouble acting on things that I want.... i get performance anxiety... fear of failure. whatever.

I've also felt very lonely recently. I go thru these phases where I'll feel lonely and then I don't and then I do. well, right now, I feel pretty lonely. I have friends, but I don't spend enough time with the people i really like. Take, for example, Phil and Andy. I like them both, but on relatively superficial levels. when I leave Ohio, I'll think of them, but in a curious sort of way, rather than a sad sort of way. Like people you graduated high school with, and hung out with from time to time, but didn't really see much until your reunion. Contrast that with someone like Sara or Marta... old friends, lost thru time, still acquaintances, but still friends from another life. Bob Baskette...

I really should just move. I should start a new life somewhere. But I'm so scared... I'm scared of failing. so scared. crippled with fear. scared of leaving the friends i have here. scared of not making new ones.

When I was in high school, i ran with a very tight group. I'd say that we all geniunly cared about each other. Zack used to say we were a family... I think that was true...for about 4 years. Sadly, there was a schism... and the family is gone now. And i think I came out worst in the split. Because I relied on having that family. Sara has Joe. Marta has had several people, now Nigel. Zach has Margaret. Lowell has his life... Adam has his. me.. I feel like I life ended for me. and I haven't recovered. it sounds lame to say that I'm still affected by things that happened 5 years ago... but i can't help it. I feel like if I died in my apartment, no one who isn't my blood family would even think to check on me.

i've also had trouble getting used to how people as we get older don't like to just hang out together. again, back in the old life, we would just get together, drink coffee. read, chat, watch tv, whatever. Now, everything has to revolve around an activity. thing is, i think the most important times with friends are those times just hanging out. just sitting, chatting, reading, watching tv...whatever.

what's wrong with me? I've been really depressed, i've been lonely, I've been harboring a crush like a 15-year old girl. I've been totally unfocused. i've been tired. sigh.

any of you who are reading this... i apologize for being so down. I don't know what's wrong with me. and you all are people who i care for greatly... and I apologize if i just run away someday. And I apologize for the boringness of this post.

musings

So... It's no secret, but I've been super depressed for a while now. Actually, I've been depressed for 10 years now, but in particular, this past year has been very hard on me. And I've been thinking about it. a lot. How do i fix this? The last time I was this depressed, it was because of Marta. well, more accurately, it was because of my dependence on Marta, and then not getting over her. So, a cure was pretty clear: get over her/get a new girl. I did get over her (eventually) but not because of a new girl. I just decided that she was no longer something i needed. and i was happier. At least, I wasn't depressed about the break up any longer. Now, tho... the cure seems much tuffer to me. I know the problem. but it's multi-part. I have no direction. No job. huge debt. and I'm getting old. I feel lonely a lot. And I have no idea how to get out of this funk. I could find direction...but i can't seem to find any direction. I don't qualify for any jobs that sound interesting. I don't even really know what i want. or what i want at all.

When I left law school the first time, I left because I was scared that i was going to get out with no job, and a huge debt hole that was so large I had to take a job i hated just to pay my way out. Now, i'm afraid that was true. People say to me "you can find A job..." but I don't want "A" job. because I know I'll leave it within 2 years. I need to do something that i actually care about. but what do i care about? I like riding my bike. I care about my family. I like to read. I like to watch movies. I like to listen to CDs. that's about it.

I honestly think I would be happiest if i could just live a super simple life. i'm so confused. lesigh.

holy fucking shit

if i ever go to india, i am most definitely not driving. anywhere. at all.

this guy

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=250255442325

this guy's my new hero. He's auctioning off his life because some chick broke up with, leaving him with nothing but an empty shell where his heart and soul used to be. Happens to all of us at some point, buddy. Honestly, i wish i had it in my to just sell everything and move where ever the winds take me. honestly. I wish I could. Sadly, i think my net worth is somewhere around $1000... which is 100x to little to dig my way out of my debt hole. so even if i did have the guts to sell my life, still wouldn't be able to escape my life. sigh.... i really don't think that life should be about worry and angst... it should be about enjoyment and self discovery. I haven't been engaging in self discovery. I've been engaging in self-checking off what i'm not. Not motivated. check. not a book seller. check. not a film maker. check. not a practicing catholic, check. Its about time to figure anything out at all. anything. at all. please.

stephen

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

GEORGE CARLIN DIED!!!!

http://www.wwtdd.com/post.phtml?pk=8321

This is like the greatest thing ever

This is just to say

Apparently there is this famous poem entitled This is Just to Say, by William Carlos Williams. What an unfortunate name, that is. You'd think his parents would have been less cruel. Oh well. Anyway, here's the poem. It's pretty brilliant.

I have eaten

the plums

that were in

the icebox



and which

you were probably

saving

for breakfast



Forgive me

they were delicious

so sweet

and so cold

I heard about this poem on the greatest radio show ever in the history of the universe: This American Life. And apparently one reason this is so famous is because people have often imitated it. So, I have decided to try my hand at it occasionally, both here and on the Hate blog. Unfortunately, I have nothing creative right now.... I'll come back later with something... i'll try anyway

1. I have written nothing in this blog, tho I had every intent of putting something down
Even though I know you are wasting your time reading this drivel
Forgive me. law school has killed anything creative in my brain

ha.... that's just the start of the deluge.

balg

A few thoughts. 1. has there ever been, or will there ever be a woman as beautiful as Michelle Yeoh? (Zang Ziyi isn't half bad either). 2. How is it that ever fight scene choreographed by Woo-ping is amazing? You'd think he'd run out of ideas at some point. 3. Why are there shitty martial arts movies? They seem pretty easy to make to me. This scene has two women sword fighting. Its shot perfectly: meaning, you can actually tell what's going on. 4. Why am I not shooting movies? damn

my stupid brain

So... I'm going to start writing daily again... either here or on stuff stephen hates... I miss writing... i think its good for me. Anyhoo... so, I've written about Katie Andrews before. And today I was surfing 1998 grads from Gilmour on Facebook when who do i see, but Kate Andrews. katie is one of those people who I wish I hadn't lost contact with. She was cool and I wish I were still friends with her. So I considered friending her. but I didn't... because it seemed weird to me. Facebook still weirds me out. still don't quite get it; i don't know what the proper protocol is. I found a friend from oberlin the other day, but i didn't friend her because I wasn't sure if it would be fun or stalkerish. hrmmm.. Katie. Kate. someone who i've said I would like ot see again, and I can't bring myself to press click on a superficial "friend" bbs. hrm.

loves it

I love Brainiac. I love youtube

Dear Mike Doughty

Dear Mike, can I call you Mike? I've listened to you so much for so long and seen you so many times that I feel like I can call you Mike. I just want to say, please, please please, for the love of God, drop your fucking producer. I really like your music, but the damn over production just makes you sound less honest. And that's what your music has always had going for it. Your voice especially has a quality that sounds like you are singing to me. And I love your clever lyrics. Please, tho, your album just sounds like clear channel fodder. Then I hear you live, and I remember why I enjoyed you so much for so long. you're full of energy. Spontaneous. exciting. And you sound like you are signing to me. Please, please please... i get that you get more chance for fame, fortune, and radio play with ATO and all... but please... just find a different producer. he's making you boring... I don't want soul coughing back. That's the past... but i know you have great music in you. I know you do... but I don't think stream line, clean sounding is your thing. please... strip it down. Learn to produce yourself... hell... call me up.. I'll find someone for you. But please, be yourself... don't be what your producer wants you to be. Fuck dave matthews. I still love you mike. But I just know there's more to you.

stephen

google-zor

So, i applied today for a job with google. And as much as I keep saying that I don't really have anything invested in this job.... I really do hope they call me. If you're spying on my right now google (as I use your services), I'M a good guy. Funny. Charming. And I could do awesome work for you in Trademark. Awesome. awesome. come one guys! Hire me. call me. call me. I'm just going to keep applying until you hire me. :) It's be pretty sweet to work there... I'd love to actually be part of a company whose product I really like. and whose culture is awesome. rather than rotting in a firm where i want to kill myself every second of every day. Come on google... give me that chance. Of course, as i just realized, if they are spying on this posting, they are probably spying on all my other posts. and my email. ummmm.... yea... about all that bad stuff... ummmmm... *embarassed grin* about that... ummmm.... well, just give me the interview..... forget all that stuff...:)

copyright demo

Ok.... so this won't be interesting to anyone reading this, but I'm going to be doing some copyright hypos over the next couple of posts to prep for my exam. Here goes.

I was sitting in Victorian's Midnight Cafe eating breakfast yesterday morning and I noticed somthing. Well, actually, I noticed a couple of things. First, my waitress was really good looking. She sat down with me to take my order and i was a bit flabbergasted at first. I almost had to say "can you please stand up because I can't concentrate on the menu and form a sentence to order because I can't take my eyes off of you. But I didn't. Anyway, my eggs and toast were pretty good. The eggs were nice and fluffy, as if they were very fresh, and the yolk was perfectly runny...like i like it. Anyway, I also noticed that they were playing the broadcast feed from a satellite tv thing of a music channel. Apparently the crappy 70s rock station. Anyway, it got me to thinking, was this copyright infringement? The first questions in a copyright infirngement case is whether there isa valid copuyright at all. In this case, it is very clear that the songs I heard would qualify as having a copyright. There are 2 requirements for a copyright: fixation and originality. Fixation is not a problem. These were all songs that were written down, cut on wax, and even published to the people. (since these songs may have been out before 1976, there could be public domain issues associated with copyright notice, but i'm going to ignore that right now). Anyway, fixation... not a problem. Second, it would need originality. Under the Feist holding, to have originality can be found by having independent creation and some small amount of creativity. Again, this is pretty clear here. The Songs I heard were probably not copied from somewhere else (tho, i don't know that, and it could be contested) and they are at least a little bit creative. Probably much more so. So, copyright seems to exist.

The second initial issue could be copyright ownership. Here, I don't have enough facts. It is likely that these songs copyrights are owned by the record studio. But I don't know that. Either way, under 201, copyright ownership first vests in th author of the work. This could either be the composer or the studio if this were a work made for hire situation. Again,I don't know, so I'll assume that the studio owns the copyright. For simplicity sake, I will also assume that the studio owns the sound recording rights (because with songs there are rights to the musical work and to the sound recording).

Ok. so we have a valid copyright and it is owned by the studio. Now, under 106(4), the copyright owner has the exclusive rightto public performance of his/her work. Here the playing of the songs is a public performance. Therefore, without some licensing agreement (and I doubt that Victorian's has one--like from ASCAP), they would be infringing the copyright owners right to public performance. However, they may be exempted by 110(5). While this may be a little unclear in some areas, it still appears to be an easy application of this exemption. Under 110(5)(A), the communication of a transmission which is received by a single apparatus of the kind commonly usd in pivate homes is exempt unless there is a direct change made to see or hear the transmission or the transmission thus received is further transmitted to the public. Here, there was no retransmission and no charge made for the performance. Also, this was being played out of a simple, large screen tv-the kind you could easily buy at Best Buy or some retail electronics store. I think these are pretty common today. So, I think they would be covered under 110(5)(a)
If they were not covered under 110(5)(a), they may still be exempt under 110(5)(b). Even if A does not apply, this seems to be an easy case for B. This provides an exemption for eating or drinking establishments to play a nondramatic musical work intended to be receivd by the general public or an audiovisual transmission by a cable system or satellite carrier if the eating/drinking establishment is less than 3750 sq/feet or if larger, then it only has no more than 6 speakers and no more than 4 in 1 room. Here, victorians seemed to be smaller than 2000 sq/feet. However, even if it isn't, there were only 2 speakers playing this: those coming from the tv. Therefore, it would fall under this exemption.

So, it seems that victorians is in the clear. However, I'm a little bit unclear about the digitial performance rights and if the aiken and 110(b) exemption count here. I'm going to find out tho.

NEW BLOG!!!

Hey all... you should go over and read my brand new totally new smells like new blog: stuff stephen hates (stuffstephenhates.blogspot.com). I think its going to be fun.

as previously mentioned, the end is nigh

So... another 2 signs of the apocalypse. First...the snow... or at least, columbus thought it was the end of the world. I hear cleveland had something called a "level 3 snow warning." or something. Columbus had a level 2. or something. I don't really know what that means, but Mike suggested that at the level 3, you're shot on sight if outside of your house. Sounds right down the Bush Administration ally... so, I'm going with that. Second, 10,000 BC was tops in the box office with $35M dollars. What the fuck? I mean, i can believe seeing this movie. I can believe renting this movie. but $35 million dollars for this crap?



I get it. big effects-spoitation stuff. I get it... But seriously, couldn't the 'fans' have waited a week or two just so it wouldn't be tops. Can't we have some substance in our action effects movies? fuck!

http://tvshack.net/

there's a link to tvshack. I don't know if its on there yet, but if it is, please, please, don't go see it in the theater for at least a couple more weeks. Just so its profits look less interesting.

I went to see the bank job. Now, heist movies have a habit of sucking, but i don't really understand why. It seems like a pretty simple sort of movie to pull off. Here, I'll help every director in the world with this. Put the foot on the gas and don't let off until the end. Make your characters fun... let them be either humerous, ruthless or both. Choose either very dark or more light hearted (I think the later works better). Film it... put it in the can. Done. So, i like the bank job. It wasn't the best movie I'd ever seen... but it was good enough. Fast, implausible-yet-based-on-real-events. And I can't help but love Jason Statham. Did you know he's only 5'8". WOOT!!! That's my height!!! But it definitely missed some chances. Like, only most of the characters were good. at least one or 2 were totally undefined. But it had the potential for them to be bumblind, funny, yet still successful. Sort of like a Oceans 11 if the 11 were totally crappy at what they did, but they won anyway. That's how it could have been, and i think it would have been more effective. Instead, it tried at points to add seriousness where it wasn't needed. Oh well.. I liked it anyway. What it really needed was Jason Statham driving a BMW 745i. By the way, why the fuck wasn't he cast as "The Hitman" in "the Hitman"? Because he'd have been perfect... way better than that loser from Die Hard WITH A VENGANCE!!! (how it should be written). anyhoo... out... back to copyright. god i hope i do well in this class... i really like it.

dear Columbus

LEARN TO FUCKING PLOW!!!!!

that is all

yay!

So... as i've said many times now, i've been quite a bit depressed recently... so I realized there was only 1 thing to do. or, i guess, 2.





Wow. I wish everyone I know could understand just how awesome HATP are live. Its just pure fun. nothing else.. pure fun. and, I mean, sometimes i know exactly what harry means. "when you were young and innocent/i saved you from a basilisk/i think that that deserves a kiss/but you're all over dean thomas."

and second.



She's so hot. That video is go good. damn. night. bed.

february (you fucking suck)

So, thank go this fucking month is almost over. Kathryn has been a long time hater of February and I whole heartedly agree. As she says "anything that can go wrong duirng this month, will." I've always called it the Tuesday of months....ya know because tuesday is by far the worst day of the week. Mondays, you still are basking in the afterglow of the weekend. Wednesdays are hump days and you can see friday on the horizon. Thursdays, soooo close... Friday 2 days of freedom upahead. But Tuesdays you are farthest possible from enjoying life again. Like February. Weather sucks. bad shit happens.... and, in the worst case senario, like this year, there is a whole fucking extra day. as if soome cruel joke from the world, ever 4 years I have to deal with 29 goddamn days in February. Fuck. Thank god its done tomorrow

ON a happier note, I had these ricotta pancakes from northstar for breakfast today. they were really good. Very sweet. super fluffy. Now, normally i like my pancakes sour. Like really sour. LIke, i remember this place up in Michigan that had these totally awesome sour pancakes... super sourdough. and northstar's ricotta pancakes weren't that. In fact, they tasted a bit like plain cakey doughnuts. so, really fucking good... mmmmm...

depression

Well, i'm finally writing about this... tho most of you who read this already know. I've been sorta of soul crushingly depressed recently. Mainly what triggered my recent bout with wanting to die is that I was rejected by Brown... Funny think about that is that it was the 4th rejection slip I've received from Brown in my life. I got 3 as an undergrad (1 for myself, 1 from the alumni association, and 1 to mom and dad letting them know that their kid wasn't smart). Then I got an email the other day telling me that I hadn't gotten into their grad program. And I will guaranteedly get a paper letter in a month or so. So that will be 5 rejection slips from one school. Fuck. Anyway, I'm officially at a loss. People have been saying "this is just one school, there is no reason to give up completly" and that's right... but I've just been shaken and scared and I really have no idea about what's happening next year... so I'm scared shitless. I haven't really been able to focus all week because of this. I haven't been sleeping well... I see myself workign at borders again. And while Borders isnt the worst thing that could happen (nothing would make me happier than just stacking cds and dvds again), the pay is a problem. The living at home again is a problem. I feel like I lost the fight. I feel like Ive been preaching about how I dont have to be a lawyer and I'm just going to turn into lawyer scum no matter what. Fuck you life. fuck you. I'm scared.

hrmmm

I was thinking about watching the Oscars, but frankly, right now it would just be painful. and not painful in that normal way because its a bunch of people who are full of themselves and no funny jokes... painful in that I still hate my life kind of way.

where's the nearest building to thro myself from

I can explain in one sentence why im so pessimistic and negative all the time. Because nothing ever ever goes right. One more sentence. Because everytime I get my hopes up, life comes in to crush them back in their place. fuck you life... i hate you too.

fucking cold

It's fucking cold in here. I'm sitting in the room waiting for international human rights law to begin and its so fucking cold that my figers hurt. What that fuck is wrong with this school? Why can't they maintain a livable temperature. its either super fucking hot or super fucking cold. gaaaa...

I worked for about 30-35 hours on journal work since friday at noon and i arive this morning and erin asks for help on doing so last minute spot checking. I said, honestly, I have to work on school work that I've been putting off since friday.... and i get the "i'd love to do school work." well, ya know what? youhad all weekend to do school work.... me not so much. and besides, i'm the only person i know who actually cares about day to day work more than end of the year bull shit. for me, my day to day preparation is what I do best. Its where I learn. And, unlike most mornoic law students, I actually want to learn. And becaus of journal, i haven't been able to prepare like i want to. and i feel like I'm slipping. and I hate that. so, ugh... so fucking cold.

further proof that we have entered the end time. prepare yourself; judgment day approachith

So, Amy Winhouse won 5 grammy's for singing a song about not going to rehab when she was just booted from the country for her crack habit and rehab stay. I don't normally pay much attention to the Grammys. They always come off as more of a popularity contest than a legitimate awards show... then again, I love it every time Kanye West gets snubbed and he whines about how awesome he is and blah blah blah. But I do check the winner, out of curiosity sake. This year, they got at least one correct: Icky Thump by the White Stripes won best alternative album. of course, its not "alternative" like what that words used to mean, but whatever. Anyway the Grammys this year had the single best list of nominees for one category ever: Best Spoken Word Album. Nominees. Maya Angelou "celebrations"; Bill Clinton "Giving"; Jimmy Carter "Sunday Mornings in Plains"; Alan Alda "Things I overheard while talking to myself"; and the winner Barack Obama "The Audacity of Hope." Damn. what a list. 3 world leaders, 1 mega famous poet; 1 Hawkeye.


one more point. Aaron Applebaum endorsed Barry Obama for prez.... I'm coming around, actually. Hilly, you had your shot, but I have the feeling like the movement can't be stopped. and if the movement is that powerful, I think it could do wonderful things.

jaydog

So, Jason has a new blogger blog. http://theartofthedoodle.blogspot.com/ go there. see his awesome art work. love it. then, go to http://pencilsandinks.com/ while you're at it. and tell all your friends. especially those friends who want to buy sell and trade comic art.

i'm in love

I'm in love with Sarah Silverman. I would have cut off my left pinky to have been in that video. Ok, maybe not. I don't really like pain. but I definitely would have flown to LA or something.

slacker

So, first things first. I haven't posted in a while out of pure laziness. and apathy. and... i need a word like apathy, but not apathy. But Im back, baby....

so, above is my picture of Nooree from when we went to the bodies exhibit. As andrew has clearly already noted, this is a classic photo by stephen. Subject to one side. Fuzzy. Barely make out what's going on, let alone who it is... but I love pictures like this. Somehow, I think its more like an actual memory than most pictures. They are fuzzy. unclear.

and, of course, its arty. sorta.

so, Nooree was nice enough to go to the bodies exhibit with me before she went off to jolly old england. and the exhibit was pretty damn cool. ya know, if you're into that whole dead bodies cut apart and turned into plastic kinda thing. And of course, I am. so, it was kewl.

I'm sitting outside of my Int'l Human Rights class waiting for some 1Ls to get the hell out of our room. grrrrr... they don't belong there.

I've been considering emailing the director of graduate studies at Brown to say "hey, am i going to get in or not?" But I know full well that I won't hear anything until March. And I don't want to annoy them or anything. But I'm a bit tense.

I think people are a bit wussy about illness. I hear everyone around here 'gaa... I'm dizzy' 'gaaa' I can't breathe....' 'gaaa...cough cough cough... i'm dying.' I won't pretend that I'm happy when I'm sick... but I certainly don't turn into a sissy just because of it.

boooo

So... school starts up again tomorrow. I was all prepared to come here and make a positive post, but somehow I think is may turn out to be more negative than I'd like. Anyway, i guess a few people were slightly worried after my last post that I may, i dont know... kill myself or something. Well... no... that's not going to happen... but i just don't see a purpose to anything. if i were a god fearing man, I'd say that I need god in my life. however, that didn't work either... so I think that's not the answer. anyway, school is starting. my last sememster. People keep trying to cheer me up about it. but its not soon enough. 15 more weeks of pain. pain pain.
On an odder note, i've been very much feeling like I want to be alone recently. I don't really know why, but not being around anyone sounds more appealing than usual. hrm.
I just read that Burn by the Cure was actually written for the Crow soundtrack. That rules. That song rules... and I always thought that it fit the crow a bit too much to be just coincidence. so there you have it. I love that song.

movies Ive seen thus far in 2008: Juno, the Savages, I am legend (again), Sweeney Todd. I'm really going to try to keep this list up-to-day from now on.

ugh... well... there it is. first post of 2008... lamezor.... I'l try to write more better later, I hope. but this was post 111, apparenlty. that's somewhat amusing. ugh... I need to get my head in the right place. I SOOOOOOOoOOooooOOooooooOoOO am not ready for school tomorrow. blech