musings

So... It's no secret, but I've been super depressed for a while now. Actually, I've been depressed for 10 years now, but in particular, this past year has been very hard on me. And I've been thinking about it. a lot. How do i fix this? The last time I was this depressed, it was because of Marta. well, more accurately, it was because of my dependence on Marta, and then not getting over her. So, a cure was pretty clear: get over her/get a new girl. I did get over her (eventually) but not because of a new girl. I just decided that she was no longer something i needed. and i was happier. At least, I wasn't depressed about the break up any longer. Now, tho... the cure seems much tuffer to me. I know the problem. but it's multi-part. I have no direction. No job. huge debt. and I'm getting old. I feel lonely a lot. And I have no idea how to get out of this funk. I could find direction...but i can't seem to find any direction. I don't qualify for any jobs that sound interesting. I don't even really know what i want. or what i want at all.

When I left law school the first time, I left because I was scared that i was going to get out with no job, and a huge debt hole that was so large I had to take a job i hated just to pay my way out. Now, i'm afraid that was true. People say to me "you can find A job..." but I don't want "A" job. because I know I'll leave it within 2 years. I need to do something that i actually care about. but what do i care about? I like riding my bike. I care about my family. I like to read. I like to watch movies. I like to listen to CDs. that's about it.

I honestly think I would be happiest if i could just live a super simple life. i'm so confused. lesigh.