mushy

I've sort of fallen off the blogging horse recently. I just haven't had anything good to write. My brain has felt mushy and I've been particularly unmotivated by anything. Basically, I'm tired. All the time. And I really don't have an excuse why.

When I was in columbus last, I bumped into a friend I hadn't spoken with in many months. We talked for a while about how its sad when people lose interest in learning and growing. I agree. Its so easy to just get complacent. Especially as you get older, it gets easier and easier to just fall into the routine and do it over and over again. I think in some ways its related to living in the mid-west. Its very comfortable here. everything is familiar. And I think not just familiar because I've lived here forever, but I think the mid-west would be an easy place for just about anyone to move to. Because things here are so 'ordinary' that I think a transplant will have an easier time adjusting to the mid-west than somewhere else. I mean, Columbus is a test market for the rest of the country because people there are so average. I need a little more go in my life. I have no real drive right now.

Anyhoo... i got awesome new cycling shorts. They're bibs, so they have like built in suspenders. Very exciting. A little tight, but I'm hoping to stretch them out a big. I'm pretty happy with them, really.

ok, back to work.

Absens sed non in oblivione

Today is dad's birthday. Today, Andrew and I are supposed to drink this tequila that Mr. Gestaut bought for dad, but never had the chance to give him. I can't honestly say that I'm all that excited....

I'm really missing Kathryn right now. I feel like the Wolfson clan needs to be assembled today. I feel out of focus.

girl dreams

ahhh summer

Nothing says summer to me like the smell of grease out behind YT (Yours Truly, for the uninitiated) on a warm night. I still remember every terrible night cleaning dishes, jumping down the trash, smelling icky, then going home late with Mike and saying up late playing Virtua Fighter 2 and doing irresponsible things. Ahhhhh... While I don't wish for my childhood back, really, I do wish for the better clarity of vision I had. Now, everything is clouds and shades of gray. Law school made it worse. Then, life held opportunity; today, life holds fear. Im suffering from some serious mortality issues right now.... I let my life get derailed so easily..... bumps in the road are like pot holes to some, but craters to me. i need something.

awesome

more people I like should get together and make music. awesome.

the girlfriend experience

There's a new movie out this week by Steven Soderberg called "the Girlfriend Experience" that really intrigues me. Apparently, the title refers to a sort of service that some hookers provide where, instead of merely a sexual experience, men pay top dollar to have the women pretend to be his girlfriend for the evening. So they may go out to dinner, have nice conversation, maybe see a movie, and I'm not even sure if it culminates in sex. I certainly think it doesnt have to. The movie stars a woman named Sasha Grey who has increased my interest in the movie because, apparently, this is the first time in a movie where she won't be having honest-to-god sex in it. See, apparently she's a porn star. (Yes, I looked her up online to find out who she was. Yes google returned naked pictures of her. No i didn't look. honestly.). And it really interests me that Steven Soderberg decided to cast her in this. Sure, I'm pretty sure the budget of this movie about about $100 and she was probably cheap. But I don't think that's why she's in it. Instead, I think that he saw the obvious parallels between porn and prostitution and decided that she probably would bring a certain realness and perhaps even a pathos that any old actress wouldn't have. Either way, i'm very intrigued....and no, not because she's naked in it. If i wanted to see her naked, the internet could provide that for me in fast and free. Nope, I'm interested in her performance and I'm interested in the topic. See, I've never heard about this particular service. I had to look it up online to find out what it was. And I think its both totally obvious and totally sad. Perhaps sadder than what a hooker normally does. I haven't decided yet. Its obvious because there are a lot of lonely people out there, and much of the time, they're not necessarily looking for sex. Instead, they're looking for someone who gives a shit about them. I think the same could be said about why some people go to therapists. But its sad because these people have reached the point where they have to pay someone to pretend to love them. I wish I could say that I didn't understand. But I do. Not that I'm like that. I have lots of great friend and I love you all as my friends. But I can imagine myself at that point. I can imagine myself as that lonely coffee shop guy who just wants someone to love him. ah sigh.

Anyway, its not opening anywhere around here for a while, i think. Alrighty, enough of that. gotts to leave

grumble

Work is being frustrating right now. I can't find what i'm looking for. And some of what i'm looking for is on microfiche in the library in columbus. Which would be fine, if i were in columbus. Sure, I'll be there next week....oh well... why isn't everything electronic? why why why? boooooo... back to work

dunno

Stevens Last Night In Town - Ben Folds Five

There aren't many songs with my name in them; and this one is really "steven." but close enough, i suppose.

Boom shake the room - DJ Jazzy Jeff & Fresh Prince

will smith is great. people try to deny his greatness, but they forget about boom! shake the room.

hahahah!

"Grown-ups... are a strange breed! Their brains weigh close to three pounds, and that's not three pounds of cheery delight!" -- The Tick

I'm not even sure I can say anything but read that quote. It may as well be my manifesto. :)

I'm pretty tired, but i don't really feel like sleeping yet.... I really just feel like reading, but instead i'm doing a little bit of work. Why? no good reason. I'm a bit concerned about our case, i suppose. but it's not really in my hands... i'm just a helper monkey.

I find it so strange that I spend my days not speaking at all. Today I went until about 2. Tomorrow, I think I'll try to do some work in a coffee shop or something, just so i don't forget how to spend time with other people around. Oh wait, I have to do computer research tomorrow... forget that. Instead, maybe I'll go to the library. At least it will take me out of the house.

This weekend is Blossom Time in Chagrin. I've been trying to convince everyone I speak with to come down for some fun carnival time. No one's biting. Not that I blame them; I wouldn't drive multiple hours to go to some dirty fair. but, that being said, i'll be going for a night or two. really i just like to go and look and maybe ride a few dangerous, rickety rides. I wish I could run in the race, but mu knees wouldn't appreciate it much. Maybe they'd let me ride my bike. ;)

Blossom holds special memories for me. Memories of marching. You see, I was in a marching band in 5th and 6th grade. and we were pretty darn good. So parades in general hold a nostalgic something for me. It's why i make sure to watch Macy's thanksgiving day parade every year. Blossom, in particular, holds something special because I marched in it. I think i've only gotten to watch as an outsider like 2 or 3 times. I don't really miss marching, so much, but I do miss playing with the band. Not that I was particularly good or anything, but there's something awesome about making music. Again, part of my phenomenology is that people are creative beings. we need to do creative things. I think it's good for our brains. I was thinking about this when out to lunch with Nooree, Aimee, and Aimee's sister. Aimee's sister said that she was envious of people who stayed in the same place, and i said that i wish I'd been more places. Well, from my perspective, staying in the same place has narrowed my world view and made me a less dynamic person than i would be if I had more experience traveling and being with different people. Instead, the thing i know is upper-middle, lower upper class north east ohio. Not a bad place to come from, but it has given me limited experiences. I joke about the lack of racial/economic diversity in my life, but its only half a joke. I actively try to broaden my perspective, but I don't feel like I've done very well, and I feel a bit like an outsider looking in. I feel strange that my understanding of so many things comes from reading the news, watching documentaries, and trying to understand.

ok... that's one huge tangent. I should read a bit more for work then off to bed.

hrmm

It has, so far, been a dangerous year to be related to Stephen. Uncle Teddy died today.... It's been years since I last spoke with him, let alone seen him, but I'm still pretty sad about it. So many summers spent hanging out in his pool, listening to his goofy accent, playing his his 'barkless' dogs (they certainly make a lot of noise of a 'barkless' creature.) Goodbye, uncle Teddy.

there you are. do i know you? no, but you're there

Im at panera's trying to do work and failing miserably. Its bad. So instead, I'm reflecting a minute n things. Coming back to columbus is always a little bit weird, i think mainly because I spend time with people. I'm so isolated when at home, that its odd for me (and i wish it weren't) to see my friends again. It reminds me that I have a life of my own outside of cleveland. Its not that I dont like cleveland...far from it...its home and it will forever have that familiar feeling of being 'home.' but being here reminds me that i have, or had, a whole separate life down here. Now, I tell a lot of stories about my old friends and family, adn i think its in part to bring this new life and these new friends into my old life...which will forever be me, no matter how far i try to run. But being here i sa little odd to actually be reminded that there is in fact a separate part of me. It reminds me of when i was at dad's memorial service and realizing for probably teh first time that dad had a whole life that i really know nothing about. He had friends...work buddies but friends all the same... who he had a deep effect on, and who i never really knew or heard about. And I thought that was tremendously weird and (because I wasnt' ready for it...not because its weird for him to have had friends) and a little sad for me that part of dad was a mystery to me. really, so much of dad was a mystery. as predictable as he was...as rote and routine he was... there's so much i dont know.

oops. tangent. gotta split.

el problemo

So, its early in the season, and i haven't had a lot of training time, but my legs already feel like rocks. not quite steel yet... i'm working on it. i need to log many more miles before that happens.

But this is when things get problematic. Because Im starting to feel my pants fitting funny. I have super chickeny chicken legs. there's basically no nothing on them. but when i start cycling a lot, i build a lot of muscle in the upper thigh area. Which makes today's narrow pants fit a little funny. So much of me misses the 90s. I miss baggy ripped up pants and flannels and big clunky dr martens. I've got my docs on right now, and damn do i love the authority that comes will stomping around in these things. I'm also wearing my ubiquitous hoodie, which is a little bit like the flannel of the 2k's. and my jeans are a bit ripped right now. so i'm close... but not quite close enough

A restaurant in town does a 90s night teh 2nd and 4th thursdays of the month. I'm so going to the next one (not tomorrow).

top 5

Interestingly, I dont normally like top whatever lists because I feel like they're arbitrary and they're only true for the minute that you make them. but at the same time, I like the mental exercise of trying to rate one thing against another, especially when they're not exactly in the same category.

I love high fidelity. But, i just want to note, that making a mixed tape for someone is not always a pick up. i'm not sure i've ever made a mixed tape to pick up a girl... in reality, I just really like making them and want someone else to like them as well...

stuff stephen hates

I still haven't heard from the Ohio Supreme Court whether I can take the test or not this summer...which is irritating, just because I haven't heard. I've pretty much decided that I'm not going to take it anyway...I really don't think i can swing working on this job and studying for the exam at the same time what with the due date come at the end of july... but I just wish that I knew that I had to withdraw or not. oh well...

I've been staring at my computer so long i think my eyes may fall out. lots and lots of work; another late one here. Truth be told, I dont mind lots of work except that I do so much reading I can't bring myself to read in my off time. And I like to read. But I'm gotten even slower because when I'm not working, I'm restless for some action... some something. but there's just nothing going on here in c-town, now is there.

I'm really missing people right now. I've barely been out of the house for like a week... just too much going on. and i dont think i've seen anyone in a while... I wish all my friends didn't live so damn far away. I miss you all.

Juuuuust a bit outside

Woe on Me - Beck

Tomorrow, Major League comes out on Blue Ray, and I, like all Clevelanders, have an unashamed love for that movie. I think its pretty interesting that it's coming out when the Cavs are (apparently) great (until they become Cleveland's latest let-down) and when these Cleveland videos on youtube are all the rage ('cause they're super funny. "Our main export is crippling depression. HA!") But I realized something when thinking about the movie is that I'll never understand what its like to see it as an outsider. Do non-Clevelanders enjoy it? Do they find it as funny? Do they sympathize with Cleveland, or do they merely make fun? I can't tell... to me, I think it pretty well captured the pathos that this city deserves...at least we're not detroit. I feel like this city needs a something to make itself feel better; to make it feel like its not a failure; to make it remember that there are plenty of good things about it; it needs something to make it redefine itself and let go of the past and adapt for the future. I feel like cleveland and I have a lot in common. Which is, i think, why i wanted to move so much. because I, like the city, am stagnant and cant get going even tho I have good ideas and good intentions and potential and I was good at something at some point.

I've been working a lot today and I've got more work to do still. 1000s of pages of legislative history... many more to go thru still. It's gonna be a late night. that's ok. i may stay up very late and watch Capote after i'm done with work.

things that would have been different

Time - Pink Floyd

Back in 1997, i made what i see now as one of those turning point decisions that has directed my life. Instead of going to Middlebury College (a fantastic school that accepted me based on the weight of an essay about how much I loved Falafel and other esoteric things), I decided to go to Oberlin and stay near cleveland and near Marta. The next 5 years were a very difficult time in my life, and one that I, sadly don't remember much about. probably because i was in such a bad place, that i've blocked those memories. Anyway, as i wrote yesterday, i often think about how i got to where i am and how life would be different (probably) if i hadn't made certain decisions. So, what if i had gone to Middlebury? People I probably wouldn't know today: Jason, Kevin, Nooree, Suzi, Sean, Erin, Sarah, Andrew (in the same way), and basically everyone else that matters to me right now. I mean, i probably wouldn't even be friends with Marta and Sara, i bet... I would have just stayed out in Vermont, started a new life, and gone on. So the question is, do i prefer life how it is to how I envisioned it 12 years ago? Well, I like my friends I have today. I really like them and it saddens me that I rarely see them. And I like my obsession with music and movies (something that's a direct result from my work at Flicks and at Borders--two places i wouldn't have worked had i not left school 2 years in). I like that I'm a cyclist. But, that being said, I'm horribly self conscious. I have no self esteem. I barely think I can do anything. and I have no focus whatsoever. Products of me leaving school and "the dark times" as I call them. So, would I trade self esteem and a job and career and life in the path I was "supposed" to have taken for the people in my life today? I feel a little like Jimmy Stewart right now. I do wish I had some clarity. that's not too much to ask, is it? my brain feels like its in a fog. I think i have a brain cloud.

"You mean you were diagnosed with something called a brain cloud and didn't ask for a second opinion?" :P

i miss you when you're not around

I found this picture somewhere; i'm not really sure where. Where ever... it doesn't matter. I really like the sentiment. It strikes me that we, as humans, create civilization to make our lives easier. So we don't have to worry so much about getting food; about having children; about being killed by predators; and generally be less afraid by life. But the world we live in sadly engenders other fears, stresses, worries, whatever.

Anyway, saw One Man Star Wars Trilogy last night. Really really funny. I'm glad I didn't try to take anyone besides my family to it, tho. Really, you'd need a decent knowledge of star wars to fully appreciate it. needless to say, i loved it. geeked out.

And then I had a great conversation with Erin. Which made me think, as I often do, about how I got to where I am. I said to Erin that "I'm not where i should be in my life right now. but then again, there is no place I should be. there's just where I am." that's all fine and good, but do I believe it? Well, yes and no. Basically I'm trying to believe it. but its hard. I spent so long believing that there was a path to follow that finding out that there is no path is very unusual. So i try to control those things that I feel like I have an ability to control. And so see the above statement about friends.

should really be sleeping

should really be sleeping, but i was inspired to make a mixed disc. I don't have a clear theme in my mind, but I've started assembling songs that i want on the disc potentially. I don't even know who this one's for. man, i wish i were a DJ.

"ever since that day, i've been chasing amy. so to speak."

I remember seeing chasing amy when i was in high school. It was me, marta, sara, and JP. And i've loved it unconditionally to this day. Now, I'll admit that a lot of my love comes from when i saw it and my emotional state at the time, but nevertheless, I'll defend it as a great--and simple--movie to anyone. Many, many people love this speech by Holden (Ben Affleck) and me included. My favorite part of this scene is that it takes place in a car. Why is it that we have serious, intense conversations in cars? Or at least, I do? I think, i part its because its a bit like a cone of silence; I have something to say and I don't really want other people to hear. Or maybe its because of the proximity with the other person. Really, in a car you're way closer that at most tables. And you're shoulder to shoulder, which isn't how many people like to sit (tho, I kinda do, sometimes...it makes a nice change). And unlike in something like a movie theatre, the only thing you can do is be together, whether its talking or thinking or listening to music or whatever. And so maybe it lends itself to those 'serious' moments. hrm. i dunno.

Push (2006 Remastered LP Version) - The Cure

another mini...gone

I'm losing my second mini in 3 months. very sad. and, it means that i won't be moving to columbus for the summer. oh well.... mom and i are going to be sharing a car for at least july. that should be most fun. sounds like i'll be bicycle commuting a lot. :) oh well... not sure what i'm going to do for the last week in july if merritt wants me down there. maybe i'll ride. it'd only take me like 2 days or so. if i dont get too lost.

lowell

I was just facebook friended by someone from the past. very strange to hear from him again. Haven't spoken with him since the great schism in my life; basically the absolute bottom of the dark time. Stephen's "dark ages." whatever you call them. Anyway, he's apparently going to be a lawyer as well (not surprised). probably a more successful one than me. i should just go to bed. no more work tonight.

reflections on a long weekend

It's been a long weekend. Friday was andrew's birthday. So we went out to eat at some new place in chagrin called Jekyll's. If anyone comes to visit 'the falls,' I'll take you there if you want. Food-wise, it really wasn't that interesting. But its in this restaurant that looks at the falls and its super pretty. But, they need to be more creative with their menu. oh well. After dinner, Andrew and I went to see Psycho at the Cedar Lee. It was, simply put, amazing. I've seen psycho many times already, but this was really a whole different movie. I found myself even more intensely into it, and even more shaken up by the scary bits. I can't WAIT to show it to Nooree. I wish she could see it in the theatre. Oh well, its great either way.


Then yesterday Andrew Kevin and I went to see The Vader Project at the Warhol museum in pittsburgh. it was awesome. The Warhol museum was really great; if i had been by myself, i think i could have spent all day in there. But the vader project was all in all amazing. not just because i'm a star wars geek. I think it would have been cool to anyone with a passing knowledge of star wars. The univader (see above) was one of my favorites. they didn't let me take pictures, tho. if they had, there would be many.




And today, I went to see Rear Window. What can i say besides it was great. I'm completely infatuated with Grace Kelly. She brilliant in it--beautiful, funny, utterly convincing in her role. And costumes by Edith Head!

She Thinks Shes Edith Head - They Might Be Giants

so why then have i been in a funk all weekend? why oh why? I'm feeling restless; like i want to run away. Can't focus (so i'm working on a sunday evening trying to play some catch-up). don't know don't know don't know. oh well, sitting staring at my blog won't help, and it only means i'll have to work more. so more later maybe.

i want to live in NYC just so i can see the giants perform like once a week. THEY'RE ALWAYS GOING ON! (Erin...i'm on my way. :P )

No One Knows My Plan - They Might Be Giants