this is awesome

this song is awesome. please, listen and then make yourself a twitter and then follow molly. she's pretty excelente.

why i dislike lent

Ok... so normally I try to be live and let live with organized religion. It's no secret that I don't agree with Catholicism on many many things, but I try not to complain about those things to people who actually believe in them. It's not my job to proselytize. and to be fair, the start of my phenomenology (which is starting today, tomorrow, or monday) is that people are god-seeking beings. One way or another, I think we as humans have this problem with able to understand that the world existed before us and will exist after us and we can't handle the thought of non-existence. And so we seek for something eternal. Some explanation. some something that's grater than ourselves. SO we find god or religion or sports teams (seriously... it's the only reason i can understand why people watch baseball--because of the stats. So they can say "my grandfather saw joe dimagio play when he was in the war." That's true, by the way; my grandfather did see joe dimagio play. But anyway, baseball is real real boring. So that's the only reason I can understand for its almost hallowed state it holds for so many peopl). Anyway, Lent is one thing that I just can't handle and I tend to trash talk a lot. but i have a reason.

If you don't know, lent is the season from Ash Wednesday(the day after mardi gras) to Easter. And its a time for solemnity and spirituality and sacrifice. and all that's fine. But it's also when millions of Catholics decide to "give something up for lent" and stop eating meat on fridays as (a sacrifice). This right here is where my problems start to arise. In 1994, I remember one friday night during lent I was hanging out with some friends and we decided to go get some food at Burger king. I was still eating meat at the time, and we all ordered Whoppers. And I remember it being good. really good. then, later in the evening tho, I remember all of a sudden feeling terrible. I just realized that I had eaten meat on a friday during lent. and I was ashamed. I felt like I'd done something really wrong. Honestly. I was afraid I had sinned. Scarred. really scarred. Then, a few minutes later, I thought to myself: wait, this is dumb. Any religion that tells you that you've done something wrong (and trust me, I went to school with nuns and they would tell me i had sinned) and makes you feel afraid because you eat meat on a friday during a 40 day period in the year is bunk. If 'god' is supposed to be omni-benevolent and understand humans more than humans understand themselves, then he can understand our human failings as well. but catholicism doesn't really believe in an omni benevolent god. nope. catholic school teaches you that every sin is punished by god and you have to seek forgiveness or screwed you are. and by screwed, i mean, get too many of those, and its an eternity of burning torment. sucks.... anyway, that 1994 burger from burger king was actually when i started losing my religion. or perhaps it was start toward hell, right? interesting.

anyway... if I still believed and practiced catholicism, i always wonder if during lent, i should actually eat meat as a sacrifice on fridays. after all, i've been a veggie for about 10 years now... i dont sacrifice anything by not eating meat. thankfully, i dont have to worry about that. I'm pretty sure I won't be magically believing anytime soon.

porland

Well.. here I am, still in portland, but sorta getting ready to leave. I spent most of the day wandering around the city. I went in powell's, two music stores, ate a gigantic donut (yeast raised, glazed wtih chocolate and peanut butter, and then covered in crushed oreos), ate a gigantic piece of vegan pizza, rode the train in and out, and now i'm in my hotel room chilling out. I'm pretty damn tired. Portland is a cool city; pretty much exactly what i expected out of it, tho larger than I thought it would be. not quite as trendy as i expected. I don't understand the layout or anything, but what I saw was pretty cool. Can I imagine living out here? Yes.... lots of bikers, which is good for me... but to be honest, i'm exceedingly lonely right now. I was crazy for coming out here. I had a great cup of coffee at a place called "stumproasters" and it was a pretty damn amazing cup of coffee. But the place itself wasn't nearly as cool as Stauf's. Stauf's continues to be just a comfortable hangout.

I listened in as some pilot dude trash talked Obama. He was pissed because Obama wants to tax him so he can pay for healthcare for the country. I will never, ever, understand what people have against health care for everyone. Is it strange to think that its good for a government to care for its people? Is that weird? What's wrong with caring for people? Sometimes we can't do it ourselves, and so the government can provide. Of course, I DID live in a commune for 2 years... Which is why I can never hold elective office; they'll just assume i'm a commie.

Anyway, i didn't yell at the guy, dumbass that he is. He was talking about ways to "hide" money so he wouldn't have to pay taxes on it. I shit you now. "Hide" is the word he used. How about this: You realize that if you pay some more in taxes, and the government then returns that money to you in services (like healthcare) you actually have a net SAVINGS! dumbass.

Anyway, I bought a CD, and it's amazing. I'm sad to leave, but I'm happy to get the chance to see people again. I hope to get down to the bus this weekend. Phil's bday. Hang out with Nooree if she's free....maybe try to catch up with Suzi and Sean... but of course, i'm roped into partying with Zach as well.

God I hope i passed. God I dont want to fill out the ap for Ohio, but i'm doing it anyway... maybe it's for the best... maybe i was never supposed to be out here.... maybe this was my chance and I blew it. who knows.

portland

probably my favorite soul coughing song. Soul coughing is really really one of those bands that's not for everyone...which i always kinda find funny since I think they're great. How can everyone not love them? I suppose it has something to do with the dischordant sounds, strange, nonsensical lyrics, strange beats... all that... but Doughty's voice is just great

the cure won't let me embed their videos for some reason known only to god. So I'll just link a song here. This is my next album, i think

get off my ass

I need to get off my ass if im going to apply for another bar exam.... just in case. Ohio's date is april 1. ugh. god i hope i passed.

terrified

I'm terrified. i kinda wish i had never come out here. never taken the bar at all. I feel very much like a failure right now.

well..

well... i'd say my likelihood of passing is about 50/50. seriously. everyone says i'm just worrying, but they weren't sitting with me taking the test. It didn't feel good. and now... i need to think about applying again, just in case... because i really think it didn't work out.

here goes day 2

Well... day 1 went... well...who knows. I think i screwed up on 1-2 questions, and the MPT has some bad spelling errors becasue i couldn't spell check... but hopefully I'll have done well enough to pull me through with an average of passing. today is the MBE; i'm about to head down. and my stomach is really upset. i didn't sleep well last night because I was agonizing over the exam. At least the good thing about multi choice is you have even less of an idea of how you did. It's soooo scaled. The essays I think it's a little easier to tell when you messed up. Oh well... 6 hours of multi-choice is pretty exhausting... i need to get set.... so it goes

here goes nothing

well... I stopped studying about 2 hours ago... i'm going to read one thing over before bed and then, off to bed. I keep trying to tell myself that because of the score adjustments, I only really have to get about 1/2 of each essay. I can do that, right? ugh.

on an aside, someone anonmyous left a comment on my last blog. First, i dont know who it is. So if i know, you, please come forward and tell me who you are. Second, thanks. I appreciate it. thanks. And knock on wood for me tomorrow and wednesday.

Im out... i'm going to lay down and try to sleep. I just have to keep to the basics and write down what i know and hope i get some points out of it.

man....

So, I freaked out a bit earlier. I was totally not doing well on any of my con law practice exams. I'd been doing so much better earlier, I don't know what happened. I've since calmed down, tho, I'd like to do some more tonight. I'm really tired and I don't know what I'm doing here. It's so odd and foreign. I shouldn't have just come here. I should have just sucked it up and stayed in ohio....Or gone somewhere that made more sense to go. but instead I had to be stupid. oh crap am i nervous.

I'm really tired. I'm trying to force myself to stay awake for a bit longer because I want to be on Oregon time, about...bt man... I don't know if I can last much longer.

I'm so lonely right now.... I'm so burnt out and scared and all i want to do is at least talk to anyone i know.. but everyone's far away.

God am i scared.

ok.... gotta do one more essay.

well...

well... studying is almost pointless. I'm going to go thru the big subject today and tomorrow, but really, thats just to refresh myself of the stuff that's been forced out as i've tried to squeez in a little more tax. God I hope this goes well. I'm burnt out. and I need it done. leaving very soon. have to make some phone calls tonight. ugh. back to a practice testipoo.

holy crap in a hat

I'm still hung up on that little girl. she makes me want to buy a PC...seriously. Justin long and john hodgman got nothin' on her.

I just finished 15 practice essays. about about 1/2 hour each, that's liek 7 hours of essays today. holy crap in a hat. I hope it helps. I feel like, if they just ask me stuff i kinda know, i'll be fine. if they ask me stuff I dont know, i'm screwed... yea?

And kathryn mentioned my soft spot for lisa loeb. that's true. I think it's probably the glasses. That and I can't handle it when uber-cute girls have guy problems. Here'e my belief: uber cute girls should not have guy problems. there's plenty of us good guys out there looking for you; we just may be shy and think you're far too uber-cute for us. uber-cute girl and good guys should never have to worry about girl or guy troubles. we should just suck it up and stop being shy and you all should just understand its tuff for us shy guys. Kathryn's a good example. She's objectively uber-cute. she should never have guy troubles. yet, she seems to have way more than she should. how is that possible? how is it possible that grammy winner (i think she won) and one time pop starlet lisa loeb has to have a whole tv show about her guy problems? I dont get it...I don't get it at all.

anyway, gotta get back to work.

loves it

Needed a pick me up before starting to work. Lisa here helped a little. The video's actually kinda neat, looking at it now. one huge take, some difficult blocking for the camera to follow. kinda neat. and she was about 10 years ahead of everyone with her fashion.

holy crap loads of cuteness, batman

<a href="http://video.msn.com/?playlist=videoByUuids:uuids:533e05d2-9f12-4a86-bdda-efd0455fcd36&showPlaylist=true&from=shared" target="_new" title="Kylie uses Windows Live Photo Gallery">Video: Kylie uses Windows Live Photo Gallery</a>

This may be the cutest thing i've ever seen. I think if I were to ever meet this little girl, I'd be reduced to a babbling mess of "awwwww" and "ohmygodhowadorable."

argh!

I can't keep this all in my head!!! every thing i learn pushes something else out!!! argh!!!!!

my next uke

beautiful, yea.

This is pretty bizzarely genius. Can you tell why i like it?

I wish I had more artistic talent, or access to camera equipment, special effects, and final cut pro. It must be great to just let your imagination run wild and be able to actually create something with it. And still, the story is pretty simple.

back to being nervous

There's just so much to know. I'm getting lost in what i don't know. its a scary scary thing. i'm just sitting down to do some essays; just got back from lunch. There's this guy who is always around when I take lunch. normally he eats with this guy who looks a lot like a cross between Michael Stanly or Michael Mcdonald. And he has a silly mustache. All mustaches are silly. My dad has a mustache and its sill. Very few people can pull them off without looking like a porn star or a cop. My dad does ok, but only because I haven't seen his upper lip since i was born. He grew in his beard when he was around 30. I can't grow a bear. but that's ok. beards are silly too. not quite as silly, and more people can pull them off, but silly nevertheless. And does anyone else think that the goatee is the porn-stache of the 2000s? Everyone and their brother seems to have them today and, again, most people do not look particularly good with them, i think. Jason does. and Tony... and guys with weak chins.

Anyway, today, i saw the guy with the 'stache looking around like he was looking for the other guy. but then i saw the other guy eating with someone else. and the guy with the 'stache went away. I felt like I was watching the non-stache guy (he has a bad beard) cheating on the stache guy. ha.

Tired Stephen is Tired

In exactly 1 week, i'll be in Portland. that means, I pretty much have 1 week left of studying, because I doubt I'll get good studying done next sunday or monday.

I'm too tired right now to form coherent thoughts. but I'd like to do just a little more work, so I'm trying to get a second wind going. Right now I'm at the point where i have pretty good recognition and decent recall, but my pure memorization stinks. I realize that I stopped memorizing in law school sometime during second year, and started relying a lot more on my outlines and crazy-awesome tabbing organization.

But, I've started to think of another mix tape for someone. This one is a collection of 12 of my cheeziest songs. It was originally intended to be a valentine's day thing, but with the power outage, that didn't happen. So its getting pushed back to after the bar. I want to keep it to 12, because more than that could get obnoxious. And I want to have cheesy songs that are also (i think) good. Like untitled by the cure (see above). The lyrics are crazy-cheezy (like so many cure songs), but i still think the song is pretty amazing (not surprisingly, it comes from disintegration...one of the best albums ever).... originally, this song was on the list, but I've cut it because I think it's just a little too long... And besides, I've got so many others to choose from. (I think mint car is probably the winner).



but who knows.... she'll find out when I give it to her.

I love making mix tapes. I was watching some clips from High Fidelity (one of mine and Kathryn's favorite movies) the other day, and there's a discussion of making mixed tapes in that movie (and in the book) which rings pretty true. The danger of it is that you tend to reveal a little too much of yourself in the tape. But that's the fun...What does it say? ordinarily when I make a mixed tape, I get rid of the track list so that it only exists for that person at that time. Every one, in that, is a little bit special. special to me, that is. I'm pretty sure they aren't special to the people I give them to, but they're special to me; I put way more work into a mixed tape than I should.

Thinking of it now, I don't think I've ever had a mixed tape made for me. hmmmm... that's not really a problem... i just think it's odd. I've given out a lot.

I continue to love Aldrine

This song is waaaaay cheesy. but ya know what, it's sorta cute too. :)

:(

i'm not going to lie, it's tuff to focus today. I really want to be social, but i ran off to the library to force myself to work.

I'm feeling less tense then I could feel. I'm not quite freaking out. I think I can pass.. what scares me is that i feel like where my knowledge and abilities are there is a very small margin of error. if they just ask me stuff i know, i'll be fine. if not, whelllllll...

anyway, i think this girls take on I'll dream alone is pretty cute. it's very folky the way she does it....

The line, I wanted to scream 'don't go away!' but nothing came out, all i could say is i'll dream alone without you. is so great.

sigh... sigh sigh

I recently thought to myself, maybe the bar is the excuse I need to go buy an iphone. I mean, it'd be real real helpful to have turn by turn GPS directions for my trip, right? haheheheheh... somehow I think I need to resist. Tho, the other day without power, I kept saying to Andrew, if only i had an iphone, i wouldn't need to go to aribica to check my email. It's be right there. hrmmmmm...no. must. resist. must resist. must resist.

even tho

even tho i'm alone and lonely on v-day, i'm still feeling quite cheezy.



Studying some crim law, then on to essays. Gotta do a bunch of practices today to iron out difficulties. then make some happy v-day calls. man i wish i were going to see the vagina monologues today.



back to work

xkcd strikes again

xkcd is really a great comic.... some people hate valentines day. Not me. I actually think it's kinda cute to have a day that's just about giving cards and being sweet. At least, that's how i see it. Sure, it's over commercialized, like everything else... but it always feels good to be sorta sappy. I dunno...I can get sorta sappy. I think I'll listen to some hair metal power ballads, or something.

For the past 3 years running i've wanted to go see the vagina monologues on valentines. but i've been stopped for one reason or another. The last 2 years, it's been sold out when I wanted to go. I actually think its a great play. I've seen it twice, i think. And i've read it a couple of times, back when I was writing plays. I don't think i'm going to get the chance to see it this year... oh well...

I miss writing. I'm going to start again. that means I have to start reading and seeing more plays.

ok. this video rules. I've never watched before... odd, considering I've owned the albums since about 2000 (the first thing I ever bought from Used Kids)

The song rules; the video's awesome

i love electricity.

SO today has sucked a bit. I suppose it started yesterday when I really began to freak out a bit. Then, this morning around 2am, my dog woke me up because she was freaking out about the storm outside. Finally, after laying in bed for about an hour, i got up, and did a contract practice exam, which I sucked at hard. I think i missed like every question (I hope it was because I was barely awake). Then I finally went back to sleep only to wake up at 845 to the sound of nothing....because the power was out. And when I left the house at 7, the power was still out, tho it was on in other parts of the development. I've barely studied today, I'm dirty, and i'm annoyed. ugh... On the plus side, I woke up and did another contracts exam and did much better at it. so maybe it wa a fluke.

So, all that said, I love electricity. I'm at arabica right now, studying, and being in the warm and the light. I love it.

sigh

Scared. Terrified. ahhhhhh.

This is my favorite calvin and hobbs strip. It's simple and beautiful and I think it says something true. I just read it to try to calm down. didn't help much

continues

Freak out continues.

I hate to admit it, but i'm totally in love with Katy Perry's cover of Electric Feel by MGMT. It's really good; better than the original, i think.

Ugh... scared... back to work

what do you get when you suck all the goodness out of a grape?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Terrified. Just freaked out. zomg!!!!

:):):):):)

too busy can't type much

but i've had bernadette running through my head all day. how is it that i dont own any four tops records? that's a crime




Listen to how wicked awesome this song is. how passionate Levi Strubbs is. how totally rad the baseline is. i need more motown in my collection

what's the sound of one man nomming?

Have you ever noticed how oddly cheery UPS guys tend to be? Maybe it's just he one's I've had contact with, but so far, they've all been uncommonly friendly and happy, especially considering their job's require them to drive around in uncomfortable cars all day (the trucks dont have power steering) and lift heavy things. And they have to do it no matter the weather. Like the other day when the UPS guy showed up when there was like 12inches of snow on the ground.

Of course, I dont really prefer their shipping service.... I'd much rather just send something priority mail. It's quick, and reasonably priced, and reliable. Still, UPS guys are way nicer that post office people. I mean, most post people I've met have been ok, but rather ambivolent.

whatever.

my wizard scar still burns for you

Sometimes I need a little Harry and the Potters ot cheer me up. I'm always amazed that not everyone in the whole world thinks this is the best song ever written. I get that not everyone is into Harry Potter, but I think this song is pretty universal. Its just about a guy who really likes this girl, but she's with another guy. But finally, they get together, and it feels like his insides are dancing the conga line. But then he has to leave her because circumstances are such that they can't be together at that moment. But he'll be back. Pretty universal. This video is great because it pretty well captures why they're so awesome in concert. Everything is off the chain. everyone's dancing. no one cares except to have fun and enjoy the moment. le sigh. back to wills

this one's for andrew and kathryn, and anyone else with a little child in their hearts.

About to start work. Had a strange dream last night. Woke up at 330 after it was overand have been in an odd mood since.

Say anything is just 4.99 at Best buy this week. I love that movie. I love for so many reasons, but i especially love it because of one line. ok, two lines, both about what Lloyd wants to do with his life. first: "I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that." The first is just a great rebellious statement that's easy to relate to (as I contemplate going off to a retail superware house to buy some stuff that was bought adn processed). And then second, at the end of the movie: "What I really want to do with my life - what I want to do for a living - is I want to be with your daughter. I'm good at it." The second just seems so sweet to me. It's just nice. Cameron Crowe has a way with Cheesy-ness that's just perfect. It doesnt seem cheesy; it seem genuine.

I've often thought of Rob in High Fidelity as Lloyd Dobbler grown up after being dumped by Diane Court.

Something is off today.

I think I need a hug.

le sigh, a common blog title

I'm an admitted big sucker for musicals. Agony is one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite musical: Into the woods. It's really quite hysterical with Prince Charming and Rapunzel's prince arguing over who has the fairer maiden and who has to go thru more getting to her. When I was in high school, we put on a performance of into the woods. I had a lot of fun doing it. I sorta wish I had continued acting more, but well, I turned bitter and unhappy at some point and thought acting was stupid and wasting my time. And besides, my voice isn't that good. But I'll still belt out Agony whenever I hear it. I actually almost got the role of Rapunzel's prince. I was drafted into the play when someone couldnt' fill the role of the Steward. Then, when it looked like Rapunzel's prince might have to drop out too, Sara and Marta campaigned for me to take the part. That would have ruled.




Perhaps the best part of Agony is the reprise. Sadly, we didn't perform this song... we only did the first act of the play because in teh second and third acts, it turns really depressing. But My role as the Steward would have grown enormously. I actually would have had a very pivotal role, and then would promptly get squished by the giant that's roaming the fairytale country side. The reprise is basically The princes singing about how they're bored with their wives and have found new fair maidens.. this time sleeping beauty and snow white. Very awesomely funny. Listen to the line about dwarfs. they're very upsetting.





Pirates of Penzance is probably what started my love for musicals. This is my favorite song from that musical. What i love about is that its a bunch of pirates who are storming this fort (of sorts) and singing about how quiet they are. BELTING IT OUT! its really funny. And yes, that is Kevin Kline as the Pirate King and Angelia Lansbury as some other character whose name i've forgotten. I said to Nooree a few weeks ago that if Pirates were playing anywhere that she was, I'd find my way there, and take her to see it. That's honest. When I say crazy things like that, I mean them. of course, what's the likelihood that either into the woods or pirates will be playing anywhere that I want to go anytime soon? probably low. still, I'm kind of the opinion right now that when i finally get a job that pays me something, I'm willing to take pay for weekend trips just to see plays and concerts and stuff. I'm trying to be more proactive. trying.

Bar review is drawing to a close. I have 1 more lecutre tomorrow, then just pure memorization. right now, i think im done for the night.

I hate the fact that I haven't traveled at all. I feel like there is a weird stigma against travel in my family. Mom's always saying that "i want to go there" but not going. Well, i'm changing that. Or, im going to try anyway. I feel so uncultured. So inexperienced... ah well.. im out.

DO I suck?

I just learned that Jennifer Connelly is in this movie opening this week called "He's just not that into you" based on the self-help book of the same title (I assume). It's supposed to be good, and I plan to see it, but I just have a few thoughts about it before I start work here. First, I love Jennifer Connelly. And not just because of Labyrinth. But Mainly because of Career Opportunities. If you haven't seen it, I think its really cute and funny. But it's yet another "shlubby, quirky losery guy gets the beautiful girl" movie. So, I guess of course I love it, right? And two, I guess He's just not that into you is all about how much guys suck. And the problems men and women have communicating. I don't think I suck. I'm just painfully shy. And I only get shy after I'm attracted to someone. Odd...before that, I'm far less shy. stupid brain. gotta go to wills

ZOMG MORRISSEY

Gotta love Morrissey. He has a special way with ultra-depressing songs. His voice is incredible. The first time I ever listend to the smiths, my friend Aaron Moore said to me: "you probably want to stay away from any razor blades while listening." Ha. Morrissey. crazy. he writes all these songs about how no one loves him; I hear he's a real asshole in real life. perhaps they go together.

this was the song!

I was looking for the perfect song to pair with my animoto video last night and this was it. I totally forgot because I dont have this album on my computer. God this album is great.

It's just me

I don't get why I break out every time I pluck my eyebrows. Let me roll that back a little bit. I dont get why i even have to pluck my eyebrows. I have basically no body hair anywhere except for my bushy, Portuguese eyebrows. My face grows in what Andrew and I call our smarmy Portuguese pirate look. and even on my legs would barely have any hair, even if I didn't shave them. It's a cycling thing. But the one bad thing about being Portuguese is my crazy eyebrows. Why do they have to grow together? And of course I pluck them... almost every day since I was 17... and i can't count the number fo times I've broken out like within a day or less.

I think one reason I wear my glasses and not my contacts is that it helps me cover up. I've been thinking about wearing my contacts more, but I feel more self conscious when I dont have my glasses on..... maybe it's because I'm just not used to it... or maybe it actually has some odd phychological link to a "mask" that I wear for the world? is it a way to separate myself, ever so slightly? Perhaps. I dont think so tho.. I think that's a little too speculative.. I think it's just because I'm not used to myself with contacts in.

The bar draws ever closer and I get ever more nerous. I can't sleep and I end up staying up and writing these things or sending emails until I get sleepy. Last night I made a video thingy on animoto.. it was funny, i think. I dunno.... I sent it out to one person; i didn't post it on youtube or anything. Animoto is pretty neat.... I can't wait until its all over just so i can go out again. I've basically stopped answering my phone (not that it rings often) and I've basically stopped going anywhere (except the library, for a "fun" change of environments)... I'm pretty nervous, but mainly i'm just burnt out. im tired all the time now a days.

I've really been thinking about what if I have to take teh bar again. not just if i fail, but if i get a job somewhere and then take the bar there? Ugh.... I suppose getting a job would be nice, and there is some odd level of 'glory' i'd have for taking multiple bars...but im so tired and burnt out right now. ugh. I have this feeling it was stupid and crazy of me to take teh oregon bar and not like the Ohio bar. or the anything closer to home and more logical bar.

oh well... who knows... I've decided that I should probably cave and start applying to firms to see if one of them will take me...It wouldn't be so bad if they let me to IP, right? but i'll probably run into the same problems. so it goes. And I really really want to keep my earrings in unless they say something. i mean, people barely recognize them... My own parents didn't know I had 2 for years.... and it's not like I wear big hoops or a barbell or anything (tho, i was thinking about putting my barbell back in)

ah sigh.... tired... need to do somethign then go to bed. can't wait till its over so i can start seeing people again. i need out of the house.

ps. Nina Simone's voice was amazing. everyone likes this song; because it rules.

blindingly tired

Another day closer. I've lost focus. I'm so tired; i could sleep all day tomorrow. that'd be nice. I can't really sleep at night any more. I go to bead with rules in my head... honestly tho I need to memorize more. the past couple of days have been workshop days... less memorization, more technique.

Its no secret that I'm in love with Wall-E. I was telling Jason that it's easily one of my favorite movies ever made. I could watch it every day....there's so much that i love about it, but i'm sure the main reason that I love the movie is that I identify and feel compassion and concern for Wall-E, perhaps more than almost any other character I've seen in a movie. because Wall-E is just a lonely guy who does his thing every day because that's what he's supposed to do and he wishes he had someone to share his world with. How many of us are just like that? I know I am. And then, like all movies that star a goofie schlub, he falls for the prettiest girl on the block (sure, she's the only girl on the block, but she's also the prettiest), EV-E. But its not just because she's pretty and so many things that he isn't. But its also because he so desperately wants to show somone, just one someone, all of the great and curious things in his world. He wants to show her why he loves Hello Dolly. It's so sweet. I wont lie, I cried about 2 times the first I saw it.... one scene in particular still chokes me up.

Yesterday I wrote about how i like to hug. In refernece to that, I was thinking about I want to hold your hand by the Beatles. In Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist (an ok movie.. i'd like to see it again...has one very odd quirk to it) one character makes the point that the Beatles really got it right there. That that song was the symbol of what it means to be close (romantically) with another person. In Wall-E, it's similar, actually. Several times in the movie, he looks at EV-E's and and wants to reach out and take it, but he's nervous. He's not sure if its right.
And then i started thinking that holding hands is, or can be, oddly bonding, or intimate. I say oddly, because its really just your hand. You use it for everything, literally... why should it mean anything to hold hands with another person? Im not sure. perhaps its that lingering contact. Im sure that's part of it, but i dont think its everything. Perhaps its a degree of submission? I'm not sure. Maybe the Beatles were on to something. Maybe Wall-E has yet another message i dearly love.

Again, i need to stop writing these things when i've been alone all day studying. I need more human contact, but i've been spending every day either locked in my room, or at the library, or somewhere else without real human contact.

Hugs

I like to hug. Let me rephrase that. I like to hug those I care about. But I often feel awkward hugging people, not for myself, but because I know others don't always feel comfortable hugging. They're unwilling to commit.....girls, for example, often to that elbows locked in, light grab thing thats not committing to the hug. It's either that they dont feel comfortable hugging, or they dont feel comfortable hugging you. Me, i like to hug like I mean it. Arms fully around the other person, perhaps with a gentle squeeze.....

I haven't met many other people who are comfortable hugging that way. Margaret give great hugs. She's not at all embarassed or ashamed.... she commits. Zach, for that matter, gives good hugs...

And then there was Gabe Alesci. She's, perhaps, the first person who made me think about hugging. I remember when we hugged back when I was a junior in high school. On retreat. And she hugged me with her whole body, with a little rub on my back...Now, to be clear... I liked Gabe, but I didn't have a crush on her or anything. Sure, she was pretty, and i liked her but that just wasn't my relationship with her. But when she hugged me, i remember thinking "wow... what the hell is that? that was something." I felt cared about. that's the only way i can describe it.

I've read that we should all hug more. I've read that there are actual, medical benefits to hugging. That women especially have lower rates of heart disease if they hug more. That part of it is putting your hearts and your heads next to each other. Even tho our anatomical hearts do not control emotion, we still see it as the center of our 'love' and we want that to be close to those who we love.

But I find too many people are afraid of the physical contact.

Maybe Im thinking about this becuase I've been spending so many days alone without any contact with anyone. Today I dont think I spoke before 4pm.... its not the way i want to be. I remember when I was at oberlin, i basically stopped speaking when i wasnt in class at one point. that was a bad time. and it got so crazy that I actually started forgetting to say things. I would think I said them, but in reality I just said them to myself.

Now, to be fair, i like my alone time. I still go for drives just so i can think and listen to music. But we all need companionship. I don't mean just randomly being with people. Extroverts need that, but we introverts shy away. Instead, we need people who care about us, we need to feel understood...loved...I do anyway.

And maybe that's why I like hugging those I care about. Because it is a close, semi-intimate moment with someone and maybe the best way that I can say I care. It's me giving me. There's no crowd. There's just companionship. Maybe. I have to think about that more.

All hail phil, the woodchuck

Apparently Phil the Groundhog saw his shadow today which means 6 more weeks of cold and grey. I could have told you that.

I posed the question today whether people in California understand the movie Groundhog day. And indeed, did it do any money across the world? Because it seems like such a quaint, small town, old America thing, that I can imagine other people who see it would approach the movie with a "huh?" I mean, looking at teh town of punxsutawney reminds me of chardon or munson or hudson or any of the other 1000 tiny towns aroudn here...i wonder if anyone else can relate in the same way..

that being said, I think the movie is actually, genuinely, quite good. not just because its hysterically funny, but also because it makes me think of what i'd do if i had ot relive the same day over and over for years. I think it's interesting that he goes insane for a while... because I think that would have to happen. Then the movie poses the question of why he's stuck in the Mobius stip of groundhog days. And it boils down to 2 things: 1. improving his own life, and 2. getting Andie Macdowell to like him. So, then is it really a movie about Karma? Well, maybe... but i think its more a movie about getting the chance to really figure out what's important in life, but not wasting years and years doing it. Because it took Bill murray in that movie literally years to escape the loop. but for his body, it was only a day. and he figured out what was important. And he stopped being an ass. And he moved on. The rest of us spend years, even our whole lifes, searchign for the same. Trying to find out what's important. trying to get the girl. trying to get people to like us, briefly going insane. But we spend lifetimes failing and getting back up again. If only I could learn it all in one day.

I think its interesting too because Bill Murray was able to go back and actually fix his mistakes. how much would i give for that? and how much would i give to know the right thing to say, ever. I never ever know the right thing to say.

Perhaps there is a real, honest lesson to be learned from groundhog day. Perhaps I am stuck in a loop. Sure. of course i am. the question is, how do i get out? Dont be an ass and find my andie macdowel? who knows?

Days studying for the bar are odd. I work and work but dont really feel like im going anywhere with it. whatever. focus hurts right now. i need to get over this little bit of burn out



Bill Murray deserved an oscar for Rushmore. Its a great performance. For some reason, I've always loved the line that ends this scene. "She's my Rushmore, Max." "Yea, she was mine, too." That thing that drives you beyond your better judgement? Drives you to act crazy, unlike yourself, just for the chance to obtain it? But the truth is, you may never get it? Is Rushmore that unattanible level of achievement? That brass ring that is always just out of reach? Do we all have 'Rushmores?' I think I have many? I think I only reach for things I can't get... maybe. I dont know.

on a rather warm day...

Jason just sent this to me. I feel like I need to copy and paste it here for all the Ohioans who may read this blog. It's pretty funny.

It's winter in Ohio
And the gentle breezes blow-
Seventy miles an hour
At twenty-five below.
Oh how I love Ohio
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Ohio
Cause I'm frozen to the ground.

and because i feel its appropriate: There's no surf in Cleveland, by the Euclid Beach Band. enjoy.

oh crapola

So... three weeks left. And a whole lot of memorizing to do. god am i nervous. ok, enough of that.no more bar talk.

I was just watching Meet the Press and a whole lot of sad talk about the economy. I really need to stop watching that. I'm never going to find a real job. Here was the basic message: all the country is going to do for the next year at least is loose jobs. awesome. ok. moving on.

I bought a CD yesterday. Dear Science by TV on the Radio. Mike mentioned the band to me, and I decided to check them out. The song I have embedded above is my favorite on teh album so far. I think it's a pretty incredible song... The album itself is sort of all over the place. It has world music sort of indie feel mellow songs like this as well as straight funk songs and then more standard indie sounding things. Really enjoyable. And, I just read that one of the guys in the band was in Rachael Getting Married. In fact, he was getting married to Rachael. by the way, Anne Hathaway was incredible in that movie.

This TV on the Radio album as made me think of jamiroquai. I've always liked Jamiroquai and sorta felt that they unfortunately were too popular with cosmic girl and virtual insanity, because I think people just assume that they are a one hit wonder. But having listened to 3 of their albums, I think they're quite good. ANNNND, virtual insanity was, i believe, written by Stevie Wonder. That's pretty hard to beat.

Anyway, I've wasted a ton of time today. I need to finish what i should be doing.