is it bad

is it bad that when i watched about a son, a documentary about kurt cobain consisting of a series of interviews, that i recognize a lot of my own neuroses and psychoses in what he said? 'cause it worries me. I feel crazy right now. I feel like im spiraling down into despair, depression, self-loathing, insecurity, you name it. It feds itself; i cant seem to break free. yes, it worries me.

a phenomonolgy: a new beginning

So, I'm writting again, but not much right now. I've been thinking about my personal philosophy again and I really need to write. funny, whenever I'm crazy depressed, i turn to the blog. ok, morethinking needs to be done.

mom

Life with mom has gotten worse recently and i dont really know why. She really absolutely doesn't listen to me about anything at all. for whatever reason, my opinion just glides right over here without any affect. she seems to have much more respect for my siblings. Is it because i can't seem to get out on my own? Is it because I'm a screw up? I know Im not good at saying things to her in ways that she'll listen, but really sometimes you'd think she'd take my advice. It used to be that she just wouldn't listen about working out. If i suggested she work out (which she should because everyone should and because it builds bones and because i want her to live for a long time) she'd ignore me. but now, its basically about everything. I can't stand it.

my phenominology: a beginning

I figure the best place to start is at the beginning. As Marry Poppins said, its a very good place to start

I. proof of existence
I think you have to start with Descartes. I think therefore I am. Cogito ergo sum. I think that's certainly how you have to begin. and I think its correct. We are nothing more than brains. Our experience of the world is merely the sum of the stimuli we receive from the outside world. And there must not be an object outside world, because no two people experience the world the same. Take me for example. I'm a little bit color blind. When I do those tests in the eye doctor with the numbers and the bubble colors, I can't make them all out. So I see color a bit funny. But funny is only really 'different than other people.' What's to say that the colors I see are any less true than the colors other people see? Sure, you could tell me the exact wavelength of green. But again, its our experience of the world that defines our existence. People who are brain dead--who have no experience of the outside world--are physically alive, but they are dead to the world. I do not think there for I am not. Andrew, I need a translation.

But I have a problem with I think therefore I am. What about viri? or bacteria? They don't 'think' in the same way that we do, or even in the same way that fish do. So do they not 'exist?' It would be dangerous and anthropocentric to merely rely on the 'thinking to exist' belief. Unless, I elide this arguement and more right to what does "I am" mean? More interestingly for me is: what does it mean to exist as a human in the world? What does it mean to exist as a human in the modern world? those are two different questions, I think.

Ok. that's a brief start. I like thinking thru these things. I think its important for my brain, which has been feeling sluggish recently. I'm terrified of my brain withering. I think mental exercises are necessary to stay sharp. I think this is going to be a good thing.

a rant

ok.... this will be quick. I've ranted to andrew about this numerous times. A friend of the family, whom I am friends with on facebook, changes her status about 10 times a day, usually ending her quote with "...trust in the greater plan." I'm at the point where i cant take it any more. There is no greater plan. WYSIWYG. What you see is what you get. Sure, i've been extra nihilistic recently, but even so, i can't 'trust that everything happens for a reason and everything will work out in time.' nope. just doesn't happen that way. things work out or they don't. some people are luckier than others. there is no destiny. there is no greater plan.

mom's watching touched by an angel and this show makes me want to dig my eyes out.

ok. enough ranting.

an open door

I find it strange how much I love the american cowboy myth. But I do...I do so much. One thing I find particularly interesting is that there are both good and bad cowboys in the cowboy myth. At first, i didn't think this was strange/unique/whatever. But I now think its sort of special about cowboys. Because I think that a lot of times when mythological heroes turn bad, they become something else. An evil knight isn't really a night any more. He's just a guy with a sword. But the old west of myth was all about cowboys v. other cowboys (or banditos, i suppose). And I think that's kind of cool. Now, this isn't a developed theory or anything, but I think there may be something to it.

Whatever, I love cowboys. Everything about them. Normally I don't care for horses, but I love cowboys on horses. Normally I dont like guns, but man or man do I love the colt peacemaker. Hats, boots, dusters, cigarillos, everything. its all awesome.

So, I'm mildly embarssed to admit, but i have an odd obsession with "True Blood." The show is utter trash, but I find it oddly compelling. I'd say that its my thing for vampire stories, but this is outrageously trashy. Still, i find it oddly compelling.

whatever.

me wants

Ordinarily, I"m not a fan of convertibles. But I'd make an exception in this case.

So, my funk continues...but thankfully its lessened a bit. I'm already prone to depression on my own right, so when I have an especially strong motivation to me depressed, its especially hard to shake it.

Anyway, things here are as boring as ever. I'm pretty much stuck at the house most of the time. Not that there's anywhere to go. But the rain has made it especially hard to leave because I can't quite take my computer with me for fear of hurting it.

Fortunately, I feel like my brain cloud is receding. My brain has been feeling much clearer recently. However, I've been sleeping like the dead. Like today, i never even heard my alarm. That worries me. I know that depression generally saps your energy...but I really hate waking up late.

Yesterday I rode the mythical distance between Athens and Marathon at an average pace of 19.2mph. That's pretty damn fast.

final question is: should I shave my head this weekend? Kathryn will say no, but its not like I'll see her for another 6 months at least. And I have no one to impress. And seriously, having a shaved head rules. it just feels great.

still

still in a funk. energy levels at serious lows. reading many many cases, with not much to show for it. time to take a break or something. raining out side. nice rain...cool, not humid. but it means no bike outdoors. bike indoors instead. still in a funk. i think i need someone to slap me across the face; maybe that would help.

Gone Still - Nine Inch Nails

me. today. i believe stephen baldwin said it best.

Today had a very auspicious beginning, and it just went down hill from there. I woke up relatively early because I wanted to go or a bike ride. Nothing long...just a 20-30 mile jaunt. SO anyway, I rode up to chardon, and somehow took a wrong turn and went something like 10-12 miles in the wrong direction, got totally lost, eventually found my way back, but not before the weather decided to pour for about 1 hour of my ride. No shit, my clothes are still wet. Anyway, that hour basically sucked. But I wasn't too unhappy about it. not really. I mean, it was a great ride over all--60 miles in a little over 3 hours, at an average pace of over 18mph. That's a serious pace.

The problem is, for some reason, riding always makes me think about dad. I have no idea why; Suzi thought that it has something to do with all the endorphins and blood flowing into my brain that releases all kinds of thoughts and feelings. That sounds fine to me. But whatever, I've spent most of the rest of the day alternating between being depressed and crying. And now I'm drinking and watching TV, when I should be working or something. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me; grief is such a strange thing. It hit me out of no where, as it always does, and i just can't shake it right now. I think a lot of it has to do with being completely alone right now. Being alone in the house isn't really a bad thing. But being alone to my thoughts can be dangerous, because, as I've often said, my thoughts run round and round and i cant stop them and I wish I could

Im a crier. I dont hide from it; why bother. I'm barely a 'man' at all, why should i deny yet another non-manly part of me. But sometimes I wish I wasn't a crier. Sometimes I wish I could be cold and suppress my emotions. That way I wouldnt feel so shitty as I do right now. Cause man oh man, i feel pretty super shitty right now. Dad was so much stronger than I am. dad wasn't afraid all the time. dad didn't suffer from these terrible doubts. i miss him terribly.

libby take 2

She's so freaked out. her eyes are huge.

Libby's such an interesting animal. she's by far the most extroverted animal I've ever met. She just needs people. So often she'll come over to where we are and just sit on someone's foot. She just needs the contact.

its why she's so awesome...because when she sees you, she's genuinely happy. I really don't believe its my anthropomorphication of her..i dont think i'm just ascribing human feelings on her. But even if i am, does it really matter. because when she seems happy to see me, it makes me happy. And when I'm sad and she comes to be with me, it makes me less sad.

libby

my dog's freaking out right now, so she's taken up residence on my lap while i try to do work. Libby really doesn't like storms. Really really really doesn't like them. So she sits and trembles and pants until its over. Its one of the many times i wish I could read her mind. Because she totally flips out for seemingly no reason. I mean, its not even thundering or lightening very hard right now. but man oh man, she's scared.

ewwww

Im sick of hearing about philandering politicians. I dont care AT ALL if a politician sleeps around. So what? I mean, most people already think most, if not all, politicians are dirty. I know I doubt the truthfulness of them all. And most of us assume that they love themselves and their power. So why should we be surprised if they sleep around?

But honestly, the main reason I dont like to hear about it is because I hate hearing some bullshit faux-contrite speech by mr. whoever saying "ive let down my wife, my state, my country, blah blah blah." Its bullshit. First, if you really cared about what your state, country, etc. thought, you wouldn't have done it. Second, the only person who should really care is your wife. People cheat all the time. And its a private matter. Now, if it affects his/her ability to govern, then that's a different story. but I fail to see how it will. did i mention that we most of us assume that politicians are pretty dirty already? 'moral corruption' or something like that does not move me.

but mainly, i think just hate the sorry speeches. or maybe its my complete mistrust for all things politics.

don't talk back to darth vader, he'll getcha!

This may be the cutest little girl in the history of cute little girls. Of course, I'm biased--what with my deep love for star wars (original trilogy, of course).

still tired

Im so tired right now. I think that's 2 days in a row I'm starting a post like that. well, today I went for a bike ride that just plain old kicked my ass. I decided it would be fun to do a hills work out... so I rode up a bunch of pretty steep, pretty long hills. And now, tired.

I did learn one thing on my ride--oatmeal raisin power bars taste like soggy raisin bran crunch.

anyway, I wanted to write somethign here, but my brain's all gone to much. I think i'll just see what sleep has to offer me, and write in teh morning.

da dum da dum

Soooo tired. today we drove andrew to south bend so he can take his summer classes. Then drove back, and right now, i'm pretty wrecked. but I'm trying to do some work before sleeping because I took all day off when I really needed to do some work. It doesnt help that when we got home, I hadn't eaten much all day so I gorged myself and now feel kinda like i want to die.

The drive really wasnt bad at all. Sure, coming home took a while because we ran into several bouts of construction and a traffic jam at the indiana border. but as i've told many people, i actually really lke long drives. I got to listen to 3 episodes of this american life..all of which were really interesting... and think and drive and think. But being on the go all day is just tiring.

I bought tickets for me and nooree to see ben folds play with the columbus symphony orchestra in october. That maeks october both too far away and too soon. Does any feel like life is moving really fast these days? I'd like to take more in, do more things, make more use of my time. Im trying so hard to make active, productive use of the time I have, but its so easy to get lazy. no more. trying to push. so tired. barely know what im typing. gotta stop

beck

I've been listening to quite a bit of Velvet Underground inspired stuff recently, so its not really surprising that i like this cover of record club by Beck. But I think we can all agree that its a really good cover, too.



So Kathryn's home saturday. It'll be good to have the clan reassembled, even tho it really hasn't been that long since she was back home. but, of course, last time is a time i'd like to forget. Sadly, however, I wont be able to get down to columbus before simon leaves. Simon was as unlikely a friend as any. I didn't actually meet him in school, and I'm not sure i would have. instead, he's really a stauf's friend who happened to be a law student as well. And he's such a strange, interesting character. The breadth of his experiences is amazing to me...it seems he's done a little bit of everything. I'm a bit jealous. more than a bit. anyway, I'll miss him...he's a good guy. I wish my friends could run in the same crowds and stay around the same areas. but no such luck. its never been that way.

father's day

raccoons

So, there's this raccoon that's been invading our trash for several weeks now. He has barely any fear of us. So yesterday, I came back home on my bike to find him hiding under andrew's car. i walked away to let him run off, and went inside. Then, like 5 minutes later, he was back in the trash. piece of crap. seriously. what the hell? I'm just about ready to buy a shotgun and kill me some raccoon. and then feast on raccoon steaks for dinner. who cares if im a veggie...this thing has invaded our home and that's just not cool.

anyway.... i didn't buy a gun. instead, i bought some bungie cords and locked down the trash...hopefully that will keep him away.

So, I went to see the girlfriend experience yesterday.... and i was a bit disappointed. Its not that it was bad, really... it just wasn't all that it could be. I mean, for a movie staring a porn star about a high class prostitute, it wasn't at all provocative or sexy. Normally, i dont really care for sex scenes in movies because 9/10 they're pointless to the story and are only there to sell tickets with some bare boobs. But here's a movie that wants to be sexually provocative, and instead, it was more about the economy than about sex or the sex industry or even the mentality of someone who sells her body and her time to just about anyone willing to pay.

Several years ago, i went to see a movie called Shortbus at the gateway theatre. I've talked about it ocassionally... but its not one of those movies i feel comfortable telling other people to see, because it was easily the most sexually explicit movie ive ever seen (not counting the gay pornos that were airing at safer sex night back at oberlin...geeze.... that would take some explaination...safer sex night was a big school sponsored party at oberlin promoting safer sex and people attended mostly naked and in the party room, there were pornos playing everywhere, of every variety.). Anyway, shortbus contained what was called "unsimulated sex scenes." so basically people were just having sex in teh movie. but the thing is, in that movie, it all made sense. I didn't feel like i was watching something dirty. its hard to explain.

anyway, it was really great. And I think the girlfriend experience could have taken a different, tho similar look at sex and sexuality and sort of people who live in that world. but instead it really didn't ask many provocative questions and it didn't provide any answers.

so i was a bit disappointed. its not that it was bad; it just could have been a lot better. I think if it hadn't tried so hard to be expiramental, it would have been better. it needed more structure, a more clear story line and plot, more thought in general. Less improv. oh well

hey there mr. microphone man

about 4 years ago at this point, kevin, andrew, andy, and I saw what might have been the best encore of any concert i've ever been to. Unfortunately, its not on youtube... BUUUUT a clip from teh San Francisco show is available and just as awesome. Maybe you had to be there to fully understand, but seeing CornMo and the Giants on stage rocking out hard core was a religious experience.

let there be light

I dont like west wing. I've tried. Everyone I know is totally in love with the show and tells me all the time how much I'd love it. But I just don't. I suppose it is a little odd. I'm politically interested, I'm liberal, i like witty banter... I'm pretty much the demographic the show was shooting for...but I really dont like it. I hate the way the characters speak. I hate how clearly ideological the show is. i dunno. Its like politics in general for me. I like to study it, in an academic way...but when it gets down to ideologies...i just don't trust any politician. Ive never liked anyone enough to really root for him/her more than "well, the other guys suck, so go you."

So I dont like west wing. I get the appeal, but its just not for me.

West Wing is a lot like radiohead. Tho, Thom Yorke pisses me off way more than Aaron Sorkin. HOnestly, every time I start talking to a new person about my musical tastes, I get asked about radio head. and I dont like to offer the fact that I dont like them because well, people get pissy about it. Its amazing how many people are defensive about radiohead. I just dont get that. I mean, its just a band. I want people to like the magnetic fields, but i accept that they just dont do it for everyone. whatever. anyway, i think id like radiohead more if they weren't popular...i think at this point its more of a reaction than a true dislike. seriously, if i get told once more to like them, i may lose it.

anyway, I understand why people get pissy with me about things I dont like. I tend to take pretty black and white attitudes about my likes and dislikes. If I dont like something, i'm usually not wishy washy about it. Tho, recently i've been telling people that i am ("well, its just not something i've listened to very much" or whatever). And, truth is, Im not sure why you should be wishy washy about likes and dislikes. i mean, i dont care if YOU like west wing. I just dont. And while I may trash talk it, honestly, I dont think any less of you or its other viewers. that's not how i think.

Of course, I do tend to hold negative thoughts about people who liek christian contemporary music. but come on, it sucks.

ima gona bea author

I once read that alcoholism is more prevalent among authors than any other profession. From my experience, I can understand why. I never want to write when Im happy, but when Im down, I feel so much more creative.

So today, Im writing, why? Because I'm in a sour mood for some reason. perhaps it was because I slept crappy. Stupidly, i snacked a bunch before bed, which never makes my nights enjoyable. SO i had crazy f-ed up dreams and then couldn't wake up in the morning. i suppose it didnt help that i was reading for work until about 130.

anyway, i'm lonely and confused and unmotivated. and there's a guy with a super nasal voice in a salmon colored (bright salmon) shirt sitting across from me and I think i need to go have lunch or something because man oh man that guys shirt is killing me.

Cycling is an odd thing. First, it costs way more than you'd think. When I tell people how much my bike cost me, they're usually pretty surprised because it sounds like a lot. But the truth is, when I think of an expensive bike, I think $4000 and up. Mine, mid level at best. Then there's my shorts (I got them on sale for $100, down from $160) and my jersey (and hand me down, but I've been looking at very expensive jerseys) my pedals (which rule, but weren't cheap), and on and on. It just costs more than you expect.

Scond, i'm pretty sure that many, if not most people, bike because it allows them to eat all the ice cream they can. Unlike running, it doesnt beat you up quite so much. So you can go on and on for many many hours and then even do it again the next day. 2-3 hours on the bike is pretty normal; 1 hour is pretty short. Anyway, with all that time, ice cream is the best way to cool down after a long ride.

Me, I'm a bit different. I stopped running because my knees couldn't handle it any more. But I can still ride. And I can ride fast. And I'm pretty good at hills. But really, I like the meditative aspect of it (my thinking to myself time) and the man/machine thing. I ride with what are called clipless pedals. To the uninitiated, those are those funny pedals that you click into. They're called 'clipless' because toe clips are those things that fit over your shoes (they look like cages, sort of), and my pedals dont have those. Anyway, when I'm in my pedals, i'm actually connected with my bike. It becomes, as martial artists would say, and extension of my bike. I think its interesting that all i do is think about turning and i turn. I cant really tell when I'm moving my arms.

I dont ride for ice cream. In fact, I've been trying to cut sweets out of my diet, simply because I eat too many of them and they serve no real value. (of course, a little jeni's ice cream now and then is too good to resist). So i think that I may just ride because its what I do. Its like a self fulfilling prophecy. I ride because I do. And i wonder if id ride if i had anything else going on. I think so, but who knows.

Anyway, i dont really know why im writing this. I should go back to work. more work to do. very busy times.

UP

I think I'd pay Pixar to let me work for them, i'm so in love with the company. It amazes me that they can do everything so right every time they put out a movie.

So, i've been working on my totally ridiculous cyclist's tan a bunch already. meaning, i've been biking quite a bit. If you dont know, we bicyclers get tanned on our arms from sleve to wrist and then on the tops of our legs. But, we're pale on the back of our hands (Because of our glovs) under our arms (because of shadows) and on the backs of our legs (shadows). its very silly. But, on the positive side, I look way more portuguese right as I get more tan. Its funny, when you see photos of me, sometimes I look way olive, when I think of myself as super pale. Its all because of my chest, which is so bright, if you saw it, you might go blind. You'd need to view it thru a pin hole camera or a piece of smoked glass. It never, never sees the sun. Ever.

I love to bike. love it. and I'm getting very strong this season. It gives me time to think to myself, to see parts of my town i'd either never seen before, or only seen at 35-55 mph. And its something i feel like i do well. sure, i may not be the strongest cyclist out there. I'm pretty strong, but riding with those guys a couple weeks ago showed me I could be a lot better. But I still get on my bike pretty much every day, I ride pretty far, and pretty fast. And I do it without any coaxing more than "I want to ride." But sometimes I wish I had someone to ride with. 2 hours on the road by myself is satisfying, but can get a little boring. And there's so much out here to see. I take it for granted how pretty it is out here sometimes... but being on the bike makes everything new, in a way.

btw, i'm moving into this hello kitty house in shanghai. how much does that rule? I laughed a lot when i saw it. maybe i can get a hello kitty theme on my next bike. maybe a pink helmet emblazoned with the hello kitty itself.

I find it amazing how my mind can get so cloudy, and then so clear after tremendous physical exertion. I was feeling terrible yesterday. So, I went for a good, long bike ride. about 40 miles. Originally I was intending more like 25, but i decided to put on more miles. Now, this was a difficult ride. My legs weren't cooperating, my head was in the clouds, I was cold, and there was a headwind for much of the ride. But today, I feel 100% better...except for the fact that I can't stop snacking on crap.

Anyway, I rode up toward mayfield and decided to visit dad while I was up there. I find it strange that I have this compulsion to visit. I mean, I'm not religious at all, and even if i were, I wouldn't believe his 'spirit' or something lingered around his grave. I think, in part, its some degree of admittance to myself. I'm having these issues. I think the thing I admire most about dad was how he did, and was excellent at, whatever needed to be done. Me...I find I have a very steep learning curve. I get good at things over time, but I don't feel naturally good at anything. The only reason I majored in politics was because it was one of the few things I just did well. Sure, I worked at it...paranoia made me work hard in school, but in reality, it was just something that made sense to me. but did it fulfill me? hardly. I had some great profs. but I wouldn't call it anything that really stimulated me intellectually. I was much more interested in religious studies... where I did well, but not nearly as well. and i worked my ass off. Now, some may say that I did law naturally well, but that's not true. The truth is, it was just more school, and by the time I got to law school, I was really good at school. Further, several of my classes were similar in style to law classes. So, I felt relatively well prepared for law school.

Herein lies my current problem. I have this steep learning curve--it takes me a long time before I get good at anything--I have no experience at 'real' law and I won't be good right away.... and if i try to go into something else, i won't be good at that right away either. but, I'm at the point in my life, where I want to be able to provide. for myself, for my family if needed. But I can seem to even get started. and I'm scared that even if i do find some job, I'll falter at it because I can't do what's asked of me.

I wonder if dad had these self esteem issues. I doubt it. I think he just saw something he wanted to do and did it. no question. Me, its all questions. I want to be more like dad in that respect.

Id really like to find a therapist. I think I have a lot of issues that I need to work thru. But first, I actually need to get paid. and a steady job would be nice. sigh.

well now

So, this case I'm working on keeps getting more interesting. not to go too far into it, to bore everyone reading, but we've chatted up a copyright expert who agrees with our position and he's like fantastically interesting and CRAZY! I really hope I get to meet him.

Sadly, I won't be sitting at counsel's table, but that's ok. I'll probably get some kick ass spectator's seats.

So now I'm sitting at Arabica doing some work and kinda listening to music. I'm feeling again like I need new music, but I'm not sure what new music I want.

And I'm trying to deal with the idea of being unemployed again in about a month or two. That's sad.

I have dreams but I can't ever seem to catch them. and I think I'm scared to try too hard, because not only am i afraid of failure, but i often wonder if i'm afraid of success as well. do i sabotage myself? who knows.

mom and i went to talk with tom markel, the financial adviser yesterday. finances are fantasticaly interesting simple and complex at the same time. I find it interesting what investment companies are willing to offer you for a whole lot of money. But, on the plus side, it will guarantee mom money for the rest of her life. That's one thing off my mind. Still, I dont feel right leaving. Mom was saying that I should go if i want to go, but the thing is, I feel like my life has changed dramatically. I dont want to think about going to school anymore because I feel like I need to try to support myself and, if necessary, help mom out. I mean, i've mooched off of her for 30 years now; its what I want to do. but I can't tell her that because she'll think i'm crazy. The truth is, i dont want to help unless its necessary... but if it is necessary, i want to be there. you see, mom and dad were there for me during my worst times: when I was trying to kill myself back after Oberlin and after I graduated college and after i graduated law school. they were there for me, they offered me food and a home, and I want to pay mom back and at the same time try to be what I never was during dad's life: successful and happy

ok, this is making me sad. I need to wrap it up and get back to work or i'll never focus again.

c&h

It would be difficult to overestimate the importance of calivn and hobbes to my childhood. I've found myself recently in the position of trying to explain how great Calvin and Hobbes is, and I always want to just say "look, its great. its beyond words. just read it." which never seems to work. So, i guess I could say that it was incredibly funny, touching, witty, honest, and perceptive.... but really, i'm not sure that gets at why i love it so much. In reality, i love calvin and hobbes because they felt so real in their 10 years of life that they were friends of mine. They felt like real people, friends, and when they left, i was honestly sad.

So,i'm still here in columbus for another couple of hours. I think i'm going to sleep all day when i get back home.... i'm feeling rather lethargic right now as i try to read over our brief once again. yesterday was good, but i was passing out by the end of our meeting...i kept thinking to myself "please, i can't think anymore... lets just call it a night." but no such luck. ugh..... ok... need to perk up and go over to the law school.

mushy

I've sort of fallen off the blogging horse recently. I just haven't had anything good to write. My brain has felt mushy and I've been particularly unmotivated by anything. Basically, I'm tired. All the time. And I really don't have an excuse why.

When I was in columbus last, I bumped into a friend I hadn't spoken with in many months. We talked for a while about how its sad when people lose interest in learning and growing. I agree. Its so easy to just get complacent. Especially as you get older, it gets easier and easier to just fall into the routine and do it over and over again. I think in some ways its related to living in the mid-west. Its very comfortable here. everything is familiar. And I think not just familiar because I've lived here forever, but I think the mid-west would be an easy place for just about anyone to move to. Because things here are so 'ordinary' that I think a transplant will have an easier time adjusting to the mid-west than somewhere else. I mean, Columbus is a test market for the rest of the country because people there are so average. I need a little more go in my life. I have no real drive right now.

Anyhoo... i got awesome new cycling shorts. They're bibs, so they have like built in suspenders. Very exciting. A little tight, but I'm hoping to stretch them out a big. I'm pretty happy with them, really.

ok, back to work.

Absens sed non in oblivione

Today is dad's birthday. Today, Andrew and I are supposed to drink this tequila that Mr. Gestaut bought for dad, but never had the chance to give him. I can't honestly say that I'm all that excited....

I'm really missing Kathryn right now. I feel like the Wolfson clan needs to be assembled today. I feel out of focus.

girl dreams

ahhh summer

Nothing says summer to me like the smell of grease out behind YT (Yours Truly, for the uninitiated) on a warm night. I still remember every terrible night cleaning dishes, jumping down the trash, smelling icky, then going home late with Mike and saying up late playing Virtua Fighter 2 and doing irresponsible things. Ahhhhh... While I don't wish for my childhood back, really, I do wish for the better clarity of vision I had. Now, everything is clouds and shades of gray. Law school made it worse. Then, life held opportunity; today, life holds fear. Im suffering from some serious mortality issues right now.... I let my life get derailed so easily..... bumps in the road are like pot holes to some, but craters to me. i need something.

awesome

more people I like should get together and make music. awesome.

the girlfriend experience

There's a new movie out this week by Steven Soderberg called "the Girlfriend Experience" that really intrigues me. Apparently, the title refers to a sort of service that some hookers provide where, instead of merely a sexual experience, men pay top dollar to have the women pretend to be his girlfriend for the evening. So they may go out to dinner, have nice conversation, maybe see a movie, and I'm not even sure if it culminates in sex. I certainly think it doesnt have to. The movie stars a woman named Sasha Grey who has increased my interest in the movie because, apparently, this is the first time in a movie where she won't be having honest-to-god sex in it. See, apparently she's a porn star. (Yes, I looked her up online to find out who she was. Yes google returned naked pictures of her. No i didn't look. honestly.). And it really interests me that Steven Soderberg decided to cast her in this. Sure, I'm pretty sure the budget of this movie about about $100 and she was probably cheap. But I don't think that's why she's in it. Instead, I think that he saw the obvious parallels between porn and prostitution and decided that she probably would bring a certain realness and perhaps even a pathos that any old actress wouldn't have. Either way, i'm very intrigued....and no, not because she's naked in it. If i wanted to see her naked, the internet could provide that for me in fast and free. Nope, I'm interested in her performance and I'm interested in the topic. See, I've never heard about this particular service. I had to look it up online to find out what it was. And I think its both totally obvious and totally sad. Perhaps sadder than what a hooker normally does. I haven't decided yet. Its obvious because there are a lot of lonely people out there, and much of the time, they're not necessarily looking for sex. Instead, they're looking for someone who gives a shit about them. I think the same could be said about why some people go to therapists. But its sad because these people have reached the point where they have to pay someone to pretend to love them. I wish I could say that I didn't understand. But I do. Not that I'm like that. I have lots of great friend and I love you all as my friends. But I can imagine myself at that point. I can imagine myself as that lonely coffee shop guy who just wants someone to love him. ah sigh.

Anyway, its not opening anywhere around here for a while, i think. Alrighty, enough of that. gotts to leave

grumble

Work is being frustrating right now. I can't find what i'm looking for. And some of what i'm looking for is on microfiche in the library in columbus. Which would be fine, if i were in columbus. Sure, I'll be there next week....oh well... why isn't everything electronic? why why why? boooooo... back to work

dunno

Stevens Last Night In Town - Ben Folds Five

There aren't many songs with my name in them; and this one is really "steven." but close enough, i suppose.

Boom shake the room - DJ Jazzy Jeff & Fresh Prince

will smith is great. people try to deny his greatness, but they forget about boom! shake the room.

hahahah!

"Grown-ups... are a strange breed! Their brains weigh close to three pounds, and that's not three pounds of cheery delight!" -- The Tick

I'm not even sure I can say anything but read that quote. It may as well be my manifesto. :)

I'm pretty tired, but i don't really feel like sleeping yet.... I really just feel like reading, but instead i'm doing a little bit of work. Why? no good reason. I'm a bit concerned about our case, i suppose. but it's not really in my hands... i'm just a helper monkey.

I find it so strange that I spend my days not speaking at all. Today I went until about 2. Tomorrow, I think I'll try to do some work in a coffee shop or something, just so i don't forget how to spend time with other people around. Oh wait, I have to do computer research tomorrow... forget that. Instead, maybe I'll go to the library. At least it will take me out of the house.

This weekend is Blossom Time in Chagrin. I've been trying to convince everyone I speak with to come down for some fun carnival time. No one's biting. Not that I blame them; I wouldn't drive multiple hours to go to some dirty fair. but, that being said, i'll be going for a night or two. really i just like to go and look and maybe ride a few dangerous, rickety rides. I wish I could run in the race, but mu knees wouldn't appreciate it much. Maybe they'd let me ride my bike. ;)

Blossom holds special memories for me. Memories of marching. You see, I was in a marching band in 5th and 6th grade. and we were pretty darn good. So parades in general hold a nostalgic something for me. It's why i make sure to watch Macy's thanksgiving day parade every year. Blossom, in particular, holds something special because I marched in it. I think i've only gotten to watch as an outsider like 2 or 3 times. I don't really miss marching, so much, but I do miss playing with the band. Not that I was particularly good or anything, but there's something awesome about making music. Again, part of my phenomenology is that people are creative beings. we need to do creative things. I think it's good for our brains. I was thinking about this when out to lunch with Nooree, Aimee, and Aimee's sister. Aimee's sister said that she was envious of people who stayed in the same place, and i said that i wish I'd been more places. Well, from my perspective, staying in the same place has narrowed my world view and made me a less dynamic person than i would be if I had more experience traveling and being with different people. Instead, the thing i know is upper-middle, lower upper class north east ohio. Not a bad place to come from, but it has given me limited experiences. I joke about the lack of racial/economic diversity in my life, but its only half a joke. I actively try to broaden my perspective, but I don't feel like I've done very well, and I feel a bit like an outsider looking in. I feel strange that my understanding of so many things comes from reading the news, watching documentaries, and trying to understand.

ok... that's one huge tangent. I should read a bit more for work then off to bed.

hrmm

It has, so far, been a dangerous year to be related to Stephen. Uncle Teddy died today.... It's been years since I last spoke with him, let alone seen him, but I'm still pretty sad about it. So many summers spent hanging out in his pool, listening to his goofy accent, playing his his 'barkless' dogs (they certainly make a lot of noise of a 'barkless' creature.) Goodbye, uncle Teddy.

there you are. do i know you? no, but you're there

Im at panera's trying to do work and failing miserably. Its bad. So instead, I'm reflecting a minute n things. Coming back to columbus is always a little bit weird, i think mainly because I spend time with people. I'm so isolated when at home, that its odd for me (and i wish it weren't) to see my friends again. It reminds me that I have a life of my own outside of cleveland. Its not that I dont like cleveland...far from it...its home and it will forever have that familiar feeling of being 'home.' but being here reminds me that i have, or had, a whole separate life down here. Now, I tell a lot of stories about my old friends and family, adn i think its in part to bring this new life and these new friends into my old life...which will forever be me, no matter how far i try to run. But being here i sa little odd to actually be reminded that there is in fact a separate part of me. It reminds me of when i was at dad's memorial service and realizing for probably teh first time that dad had a whole life that i really know nothing about. He had friends...work buddies but friends all the same... who he had a deep effect on, and who i never really knew or heard about. And I thought that was tremendously weird and (because I wasnt' ready for it...not because its weird for him to have had friends) and a little sad for me that part of dad was a mystery to me. really, so much of dad was a mystery. as predictable as he was...as rote and routine he was... there's so much i dont know.

oops. tangent. gotta split.

el problemo

So, its early in the season, and i haven't had a lot of training time, but my legs already feel like rocks. not quite steel yet... i'm working on it. i need to log many more miles before that happens.

But this is when things get problematic. Because Im starting to feel my pants fitting funny. I have super chickeny chicken legs. there's basically no nothing on them. but when i start cycling a lot, i build a lot of muscle in the upper thigh area. Which makes today's narrow pants fit a little funny. So much of me misses the 90s. I miss baggy ripped up pants and flannels and big clunky dr martens. I've got my docs on right now, and damn do i love the authority that comes will stomping around in these things. I'm also wearing my ubiquitous hoodie, which is a little bit like the flannel of the 2k's. and my jeans are a bit ripped right now. so i'm close... but not quite close enough

A restaurant in town does a 90s night teh 2nd and 4th thursdays of the month. I'm so going to the next one (not tomorrow).

top 5

Interestingly, I dont normally like top whatever lists because I feel like they're arbitrary and they're only true for the minute that you make them. but at the same time, I like the mental exercise of trying to rate one thing against another, especially when they're not exactly in the same category.

I love high fidelity. But, i just want to note, that making a mixed tape for someone is not always a pick up. i'm not sure i've ever made a mixed tape to pick up a girl... in reality, I just really like making them and want someone else to like them as well...

stuff stephen hates

I still haven't heard from the Ohio Supreme Court whether I can take the test or not this summer...which is irritating, just because I haven't heard. I've pretty much decided that I'm not going to take it anyway...I really don't think i can swing working on this job and studying for the exam at the same time what with the due date come at the end of july... but I just wish that I knew that I had to withdraw or not. oh well...

I've been staring at my computer so long i think my eyes may fall out. lots and lots of work; another late one here. Truth be told, I dont mind lots of work except that I do so much reading I can't bring myself to read in my off time. And I like to read. But I'm gotten even slower because when I'm not working, I'm restless for some action... some something. but there's just nothing going on here in c-town, now is there.

I'm really missing people right now. I've barely been out of the house for like a week... just too much going on. and i dont think i've seen anyone in a while... I wish all my friends didn't live so damn far away. I miss you all.

Juuuuust a bit outside

Woe on Me - Beck

Tomorrow, Major League comes out on Blue Ray, and I, like all Clevelanders, have an unashamed love for that movie. I think its pretty interesting that it's coming out when the Cavs are (apparently) great (until they become Cleveland's latest let-down) and when these Cleveland videos on youtube are all the rage ('cause they're super funny. "Our main export is crippling depression. HA!") But I realized something when thinking about the movie is that I'll never understand what its like to see it as an outsider. Do non-Clevelanders enjoy it? Do they find it as funny? Do they sympathize with Cleveland, or do they merely make fun? I can't tell... to me, I think it pretty well captured the pathos that this city deserves...at least we're not detroit. I feel like this city needs a something to make itself feel better; to make it feel like its not a failure; to make it remember that there are plenty of good things about it; it needs something to make it redefine itself and let go of the past and adapt for the future. I feel like cleveland and I have a lot in common. Which is, i think, why i wanted to move so much. because I, like the city, am stagnant and cant get going even tho I have good ideas and good intentions and potential and I was good at something at some point.

I've been working a lot today and I've got more work to do still. 1000s of pages of legislative history... many more to go thru still. It's gonna be a late night. that's ok. i may stay up very late and watch Capote after i'm done with work.

things that would have been different

Time - Pink Floyd

Back in 1997, i made what i see now as one of those turning point decisions that has directed my life. Instead of going to Middlebury College (a fantastic school that accepted me based on the weight of an essay about how much I loved Falafel and other esoteric things), I decided to go to Oberlin and stay near cleveland and near Marta. The next 5 years were a very difficult time in my life, and one that I, sadly don't remember much about. probably because i was in such a bad place, that i've blocked those memories. Anyway, as i wrote yesterday, i often think about how i got to where i am and how life would be different (probably) if i hadn't made certain decisions. So, what if i had gone to Middlebury? People I probably wouldn't know today: Jason, Kevin, Nooree, Suzi, Sean, Erin, Sarah, Andrew (in the same way), and basically everyone else that matters to me right now. I mean, i probably wouldn't even be friends with Marta and Sara, i bet... I would have just stayed out in Vermont, started a new life, and gone on. So the question is, do i prefer life how it is to how I envisioned it 12 years ago? Well, I like my friends I have today. I really like them and it saddens me that I rarely see them. And I like my obsession with music and movies (something that's a direct result from my work at Flicks and at Borders--two places i wouldn't have worked had i not left school 2 years in). I like that I'm a cyclist. But, that being said, I'm horribly self conscious. I have no self esteem. I barely think I can do anything. and I have no focus whatsoever. Products of me leaving school and "the dark times" as I call them. So, would I trade self esteem and a job and career and life in the path I was "supposed" to have taken for the people in my life today? I feel a little like Jimmy Stewart right now. I do wish I had some clarity. that's not too much to ask, is it? my brain feels like its in a fog. I think i have a brain cloud.

"You mean you were diagnosed with something called a brain cloud and didn't ask for a second opinion?" :P

i miss you when you're not around

I found this picture somewhere; i'm not really sure where. Where ever... it doesn't matter. I really like the sentiment. It strikes me that we, as humans, create civilization to make our lives easier. So we don't have to worry so much about getting food; about having children; about being killed by predators; and generally be less afraid by life. But the world we live in sadly engenders other fears, stresses, worries, whatever.

Anyway, saw One Man Star Wars Trilogy last night. Really really funny. I'm glad I didn't try to take anyone besides my family to it, tho. Really, you'd need a decent knowledge of star wars to fully appreciate it. needless to say, i loved it. geeked out.

And then I had a great conversation with Erin. Which made me think, as I often do, about how I got to where I am. I said to Erin that "I'm not where i should be in my life right now. but then again, there is no place I should be. there's just where I am." that's all fine and good, but do I believe it? Well, yes and no. Basically I'm trying to believe it. but its hard. I spent so long believing that there was a path to follow that finding out that there is no path is very unusual. So i try to control those things that I feel like I have an ability to control. And so see the above statement about friends.

should really be sleeping

should really be sleeping, but i was inspired to make a mixed disc. I don't have a clear theme in my mind, but I've started assembling songs that i want on the disc potentially. I don't even know who this one's for. man, i wish i were a DJ.

"ever since that day, i've been chasing amy. so to speak."

I remember seeing chasing amy when i was in high school. It was me, marta, sara, and JP. And i've loved it unconditionally to this day. Now, I'll admit that a lot of my love comes from when i saw it and my emotional state at the time, but nevertheless, I'll defend it as a great--and simple--movie to anyone. Many, many people love this speech by Holden (Ben Affleck) and me included. My favorite part of this scene is that it takes place in a car. Why is it that we have serious, intense conversations in cars? Or at least, I do? I think, i part its because its a bit like a cone of silence; I have something to say and I don't really want other people to hear. Or maybe its because of the proximity with the other person. Really, in a car you're way closer that at most tables. And you're shoulder to shoulder, which isn't how many people like to sit (tho, I kinda do, sometimes...it makes a nice change). And unlike in something like a movie theatre, the only thing you can do is be together, whether its talking or thinking or listening to music or whatever. And so maybe it lends itself to those 'serious' moments. hrm. i dunno.

Push (2006 Remastered LP Version) - The Cure

another mini...gone

I'm losing my second mini in 3 months. very sad. and, it means that i won't be moving to columbus for the summer. oh well.... mom and i are going to be sharing a car for at least july. that should be most fun. sounds like i'll be bicycle commuting a lot. :) oh well... not sure what i'm going to do for the last week in july if merritt wants me down there. maybe i'll ride. it'd only take me like 2 days or so. if i dont get too lost.

lowell

I was just facebook friended by someone from the past. very strange to hear from him again. Haven't spoken with him since the great schism in my life; basically the absolute bottom of the dark time. Stephen's "dark ages." whatever you call them. Anyway, he's apparently going to be a lawyer as well (not surprised). probably a more successful one than me. i should just go to bed. no more work tonight.

reflections on a long weekend

It's been a long weekend. Friday was andrew's birthday. So we went out to eat at some new place in chagrin called Jekyll's. If anyone comes to visit 'the falls,' I'll take you there if you want. Food-wise, it really wasn't that interesting. But its in this restaurant that looks at the falls and its super pretty. But, they need to be more creative with their menu. oh well. After dinner, Andrew and I went to see Psycho at the Cedar Lee. It was, simply put, amazing. I've seen psycho many times already, but this was really a whole different movie. I found myself even more intensely into it, and even more shaken up by the scary bits. I can't WAIT to show it to Nooree. I wish she could see it in the theatre. Oh well, its great either way.


Then yesterday Andrew Kevin and I went to see The Vader Project at the Warhol museum in pittsburgh. it was awesome. The Warhol museum was really great; if i had been by myself, i think i could have spent all day in there. But the vader project was all in all amazing. not just because i'm a star wars geek. I think it would have been cool to anyone with a passing knowledge of star wars. The univader (see above) was one of my favorites. they didn't let me take pictures, tho. if they had, there would be many.




And today, I went to see Rear Window. What can i say besides it was great. I'm completely infatuated with Grace Kelly. She brilliant in it--beautiful, funny, utterly convincing in her role. And costumes by Edith Head!

She Thinks Shes Edith Head - They Might Be Giants

so why then have i been in a funk all weekend? why oh why? I'm feeling restless; like i want to run away. Can't focus (so i'm working on a sunday evening trying to play some catch-up). don't know don't know don't know. oh well, sitting staring at my blog won't help, and it only means i'll have to work more. so more later maybe.

i want to live in NYC just so i can see the giants perform like once a week. THEY'RE ALWAYS GOING ON! (Erin...i'm on my way. :P )

No One Knows My Plan - They Might Be Giants

coffee goes with sugar, sugar is a drug, 14 packs of sugar in the coffee cup i chug

Coffee - A.W.O.L.

Every time i take a break from coffee, i think to myself, why the hell am i doing this? Its not the caffeine. really. honestly. the worst withdraw symptom i have is a little headache and my sleep patterns are changed. maybe. it really depends. sometimes i have nothing. But the problem is I like coffee...not only do i really love the flavor (I wish all the coffee drinkers i know could come with me to portland for a cup from stumptown. absolute best I've had). but more importantly, i love the image of coffee. I've often thought that there are basically 3 stephens. There's the "character me:" that is, what I would be like if I were in a book or movie (and who would play me. Ethan Hawke or Johnny Depp, obviously). Then there's the Stephen that I see/consciously or subconsciously try to be. And then there is the stephen that I actually am. I think this is probably true for all people. we have something that we want to be and something we see ourselves as and something that we actually are. and the thing is, I'm a coffee drinker in all 3 of those personae. Movie me (johnny depp) is cool, slightly distant, highly introspective and perspective, and sucks down coffee (and I used to think cigarettes, but recently I've been extra down on smoking). The me i put forward expresses his love of caffeine and coffee, only makes french press for himself, and sucks down coffee. And the actual me, well, normally i'm a coffee drinker. so, these times of abstinence mess with my personal image. Problem is, how i view myself is always struggling for control over myself and i hate the thought that i'm not in control (one reason i'm not too big on being intoxicated, normally...especially when people say 'have a drink; it'll help you relax.) and I hate the thought of being dependent on caffeine (even tho, as i said, i have no withdraw symptoms).

anyway, i feel like its time to go full blast back into coffee. i miss it. and now, its comin' back.

Ziggy Stardust (1999 Digital Remaster) - David Bowie