still

still in a funk. energy levels at serious lows. reading many many cases, with not much to show for it. time to take a break or something. raining out side. nice rain...cool, not humid. but it means no bike outdoors. bike indoors instead. still in a funk. i think i need someone to slap me across the face; maybe that would help.

Gone Still - Nine Inch Nails

me. today. i believe stephen baldwin said it best.

Today had a very auspicious beginning, and it just went down hill from there. I woke up relatively early because I wanted to go or a bike ride. Nothing long...just a 20-30 mile jaunt. SO anyway, I rode up to chardon, and somehow took a wrong turn and went something like 10-12 miles in the wrong direction, got totally lost, eventually found my way back, but not before the weather decided to pour for about 1 hour of my ride. No shit, my clothes are still wet. Anyway, that hour basically sucked. But I wasn't too unhappy about it. not really. I mean, it was a great ride over all--60 miles in a little over 3 hours, at an average pace of over 18mph. That's a serious pace.

The problem is, for some reason, riding always makes me think about dad. I have no idea why; Suzi thought that it has something to do with all the endorphins and blood flowing into my brain that releases all kinds of thoughts and feelings. That sounds fine to me. But whatever, I've spent most of the rest of the day alternating between being depressed and crying. And now I'm drinking and watching TV, when I should be working or something. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me; grief is such a strange thing. It hit me out of no where, as it always does, and i just can't shake it right now. I think a lot of it has to do with being completely alone right now. Being alone in the house isn't really a bad thing. But being alone to my thoughts can be dangerous, because, as I've often said, my thoughts run round and round and i cant stop them and I wish I could

Im a crier. I dont hide from it; why bother. I'm barely a 'man' at all, why should i deny yet another non-manly part of me. But sometimes I wish I wasn't a crier. Sometimes I wish I could be cold and suppress my emotions. That way I wouldnt feel so shitty as I do right now. Cause man oh man, i feel pretty super shitty right now. Dad was so much stronger than I am. dad wasn't afraid all the time. dad didn't suffer from these terrible doubts. i miss him terribly.

libby take 2

She's so freaked out. her eyes are huge.

Libby's such an interesting animal. she's by far the most extroverted animal I've ever met. She just needs people. So often she'll come over to where we are and just sit on someone's foot. She just needs the contact.

its why she's so awesome...because when she sees you, she's genuinely happy. I really don't believe its my anthropomorphication of her..i dont think i'm just ascribing human feelings on her. But even if i am, does it really matter. because when she seems happy to see me, it makes me happy. And when I'm sad and she comes to be with me, it makes me less sad.

libby

my dog's freaking out right now, so she's taken up residence on my lap while i try to do work. Libby really doesn't like storms. Really really really doesn't like them. So she sits and trembles and pants until its over. Its one of the many times i wish I could read her mind. Because she totally flips out for seemingly no reason. I mean, its not even thundering or lightening very hard right now. but man oh man, she's scared.

ewwww

Im sick of hearing about philandering politicians. I dont care AT ALL if a politician sleeps around. So what? I mean, most people already think most, if not all, politicians are dirty. I know I doubt the truthfulness of them all. And most of us assume that they love themselves and their power. So why should we be surprised if they sleep around?

But honestly, the main reason I dont like to hear about it is because I hate hearing some bullshit faux-contrite speech by mr. whoever saying "ive let down my wife, my state, my country, blah blah blah." Its bullshit. First, if you really cared about what your state, country, etc. thought, you wouldn't have done it. Second, the only person who should really care is your wife. People cheat all the time. And its a private matter. Now, if it affects his/her ability to govern, then that's a different story. but I fail to see how it will. did i mention that we most of us assume that politicians are pretty dirty already? 'moral corruption' or something like that does not move me.

but mainly, i think just hate the sorry speeches. or maybe its my complete mistrust for all things politics.

don't talk back to darth vader, he'll getcha!

This may be the cutest little girl in the history of cute little girls. Of course, I'm biased--what with my deep love for star wars (original trilogy, of course).

still tired

Im so tired right now. I think that's 2 days in a row I'm starting a post like that. well, today I went for a bike ride that just plain old kicked my ass. I decided it would be fun to do a hills work out... so I rode up a bunch of pretty steep, pretty long hills. And now, tired.

I did learn one thing on my ride--oatmeal raisin power bars taste like soggy raisin bran crunch.

anyway, I wanted to write somethign here, but my brain's all gone to much. I think i'll just see what sleep has to offer me, and write in teh morning.

da dum da dum

Soooo tired. today we drove andrew to south bend so he can take his summer classes. Then drove back, and right now, i'm pretty wrecked. but I'm trying to do some work before sleeping because I took all day off when I really needed to do some work. It doesnt help that when we got home, I hadn't eaten much all day so I gorged myself and now feel kinda like i want to die.

The drive really wasnt bad at all. Sure, coming home took a while because we ran into several bouts of construction and a traffic jam at the indiana border. but as i've told many people, i actually really lke long drives. I got to listen to 3 episodes of this american life..all of which were really interesting... and think and drive and think. But being on the go all day is just tiring.

I bought tickets for me and nooree to see ben folds play with the columbus symphony orchestra in october. That maeks october both too far away and too soon. Does any feel like life is moving really fast these days? I'd like to take more in, do more things, make more use of my time. Im trying so hard to make active, productive use of the time I have, but its so easy to get lazy. no more. trying to push. so tired. barely know what im typing. gotta stop

beck

I've been listening to quite a bit of Velvet Underground inspired stuff recently, so its not really surprising that i like this cover of record club by Beck. But I think we can all agree that its a really good cover, too.



So Kathryn's home saturday. It'll be good to have the clan reassembled, even tho it really hasn't been that long since she was back home. but, of course, last time is a time i'd like to forget. Sadly, however, I wont be able to get down to columbus before simon leaves. Simon was as unlikely a friend as any. I didn't actually meet him in school, and I'm not sure i would have. instead, he's really a stauf's friend who happened to be a law student as well. And he's such a strange, interesting character. The breadth of his experiences is amazing to me...it seems he's done a little bit of everything. I'm a bit jealous. more than a bit. anyway, I'll miss him...he's a good guy. I wish my friends could run in the same crowds and stay around the same areas. but no such luck. its never been that way.

father's day

raccoons

So, there's this raccoon that's been invading our trash for several weeks now. He has barely any fear of us. So yesterday, I came back home on my bike to find him hiding under andrew's car. i walked away to let him run off, and went inside. Then, like 5 minutes later, he was back in the trash. piece of crap. seriously. what the hell? I'm just about ready to buy a shotgun and kill me some raccoon. and then feast on raccoon steaks for dinner. who cares if im a veggie...this thing has invaded our home and that's just not cool.

anyway.... i didn't buy a gun. instead, i bought some bungie cords and locked down the trash...hopefully that will keep him away.

So, I went to see the girlfriend experience yesterday.... and i was a bit disappointed. Its not that it was bad, really... it just wasn't all that it could be. I mean, for a movie staring a porn star about a high class prostitute, it wasn't at all provocative or sexy. Normally, i dont really care for sex scenes in movies because 9/10 they're pointless to the story and are only there to sell tickets with some bare boobs. But here's a movie that wants to be sexually provocative, and instead, it was more about the economy than about sex or the sex industry or even the mentality of someone who sells her body and her time to just about anyone willing to pay.

Several years ago, i went to see a movie called Shortbus at the gateway theatre. I've talked about it ocassionally... but its not one of those movies i feel comfortable telling other people to see, because it was easily the most sexually explicit movie ive ever seen (not counting the gay pornos that were airing at safer sex night back at oberlin...geeze.... that would take some explaination...safer sex night was a big school sponsored party at oberlin promoting safer sex and people attended mostly naked and in the party room, there were pornos playing everywhere, of every variety.). Anyway, shortbus contained what was called "unsimulated sex scenes." so basically people were just having sex in teh movie. but the thing is, in that movie, it all made sense. I didn't feel like i was watching something dirty. its hard to explain.

anyway, it was really great. And I think the girlfriend experience could have taken a different, tho similar look at sex and sexuality and sort of people who live in that world. but instead it really didn't ask many provocative questions and it didn't provide any answers.

so i was a bit disappointed. its not that it was bad; it just could have been a lot better. I think if it hadn't tried so hard to be expiramental, it would have been better. it needed more structure, a more clear story line and plot, more thought in general. Less improv. oh well

hey there mr. microphone man

about 4 years ago at this point, kevin, andrew, andy, and I saw what might have been the best encore of any concert i've ever been to. Unfortunately, its not on youtube... BUUUUT a clip from teh San Francisco show is available and just as awesome. Maybe you had to be there to fully understand, but seeing CornMo and the Giants on stage rocking out hard core was a religious experience.

let there be light

I dont like west wing. I've tried. Everyone I know is totally in love with the show and tells me all the time how much I'd love it. But I just don't. I suppose it is a little odd. I'm politically interested, I'm liberal, i like witty banter... I'm pretty much the demographic the show was shooting for...but I really dont like it. I hate the way the characters speak. I hate how clearly ideological the show is. i dunno. Its like politics in general for me. I like to study it, in an academic way...but when it gets down to ideologies...i just don't trust any politician. Ive never liked anyone enough to really root for him/her more than "well, the other guys suck, so go you."

So I dont like west wing. I get the appeal, but its just not for me.

West Wing is a lot like radiohead. Tho, Thom Yorke pisses me off way more than Aaron Sorkin. HOnestly, every time I start talking to a new person about my musical tastes, I get asked about radio head. and I dont like to offer the fact that I dont like them because well, people get pissy about it. Its amazing how many people are defensive about radiohead. I just dont get that. I mean, its just a band. I want people to like the magnetic fields, but i accept that they just dont do it for everyone. whatever. anyway, i think id like radiohead more if they weren't popular...i think at this point its more of a reaction than a true dislike. seriously, if i get told once more to like them, i may lose it.

anyway, I understand why people get pissy with me about things I dont like. I tend to take pretty black and white attitudes about my likes and dislikes. If I dont like something, i'm usually not wishy washy about it. Tho, recently i've been telling people that i am ("well, its just not something i've listened to very much" or whatever). And, truth is, Im not sure why you should be wishy washy about likes and dislikes. i mean, i dont care if YOU like west wing. I just dont. And while I may trash talk it, honestly, I dont think any less of you or its other viewers. that's not how i think.

Of course, I do tend to hold negative thoughts about people who liek christian contemporary music. but come on, it sucks.

ima gona bea author

I once read that alcoholism is more prevalent among authors than any other profession. From my experience, I can understand why. I never want to write when Im happy, but when Im down, I feel so much more creative.

So today, Im writing, why? Because I'm in a sour mood for some reason. perhaps it was because I slept crappy. Stupidly, i snacked a bunch before bed, which never makes my nights enjoyable. SO i had crazy f-ed up dreams and then couldn't wake up in the morning. i suppose it didnt help that i was reading for work until about 130.

anyway, i'm lonely and confused and unmotivated. and there's a guy with a super nasal voice in a salmon colored (bright salmon) shirt sitting across from me and I think i need to go have lunch or something because man oh man that guys shirt is killing me.

Cycling is an odd thing. First, it costs way more than you'd think. When I tell people how much my bike cost me, they're usually pretty surprised because it sounds like a lot. But the truth is, when I think of an expensive bike, I think $4000 and up. Mine, mid level at best. Then there's my shorts (I got them on sale for $100, down from $160) and my jersey (and hand me down, but I've been looking at very expensive jerseys) my pedals (which rule, but weren't cheap), and on and on. It just costs more than you expect.

Scond, i'm pretty sure that many, if not most people, bike because it allows them to eat all the ice cream they can. Unlike running, it doesnt beat you up quite so much. So you can go on and on for many many hours and then even do it again the next day. 2-3 hours on the bike is pretty normal; 1 hour is pretty short. Anyway, with all that time, ice cream is the best way to cool down after a long ride.

Me, I'm a bit different. I stopped running because my knees couldn't handle it any more. But I can still ride. And I can ride fast. And I'm pretty good at hills. But really, I like the meditative aspect of it (my thinking to myself time) and the man/machine thing. I ride with what are called clipless pedals. To the uninitiated, those are those funny pedals that you click into. They're called 'clipless' because toe clips are those things that fit over your shoes (they look like cages, sort of), and my pedals dont have those. Anyway, when I'm in my pedals, i'm actually connected with my bike. It becomes, as martial artists would say, and extension of my bike. I think its interesting that all i do is think about turning and i turn. I cant really tell when I'm moving my arms.

I dont ride for ice cream. In fact, I've been trying to cut sweets out of my diet, simply because I eat too many of them and they serve no real value. (of course, a little jeni's ice cream now and then is too good to resist). So i think that I may just ride because its what I do. Its like a self fulfilling prophecy. I ride because I do. And i wonder if id ride if i had anything else going on. I think so, but who knows.

Anyway, i dont really know why im writing this. I should go back to work. more work to do. very busy times.

UP

I think I'd pay Pixar to let me work for them, i'm so in love with the company. It amazes me that they can do everything so right every time they put out a movie.

So, i've been working on my totally ridiculous cyclist's tan a bunch already. meaning, i've been biking quite a bit. If you dont know, we bicyclers get tanned on our arms from sleve to wrist and then on the tops of our legs. But, we're pale on the back of our hands (Because of our glovs) under our arms (because of shadows) and on the backs of our legs (shadows). its very silly. But, on the positive side, I look way more portuguese right as I get more tan. Its funny, when you see photos of me, sometimes I look way olive, when I think of myself as super pale. Its all because of my chest, which is so bright, if you saw it, you might go blind. You'd need to view it thru a pin hole camera or a piece of smoked glass. It never, never sees the sun. Ever.

I love to bike. love it. and I'm getting very strong this season. It gives me time to think to myself, to see parts of my town i'd either never seen before, or only seen at 35-55 mph. And its something i feel like i do well. sure, i may not be the strongest cyclist out there. I'm pretty strong, but riding with those guys a couple weeks ago showed me I could be a lot better. But I still get on my bike pretty much every day, I ride pretty far, and pretty fast. And I do it without any coaxing more than "I want to ride." But sometimes I wish I had someone to ride with. 2 hours on the road by myself is satisfying, but can get a little boring. And there's so much out here to see. I take it for granted how pretty it is out here sometimes... but being on the bike makes everything new, in a way.

btw, i'm moving into this hello kitty house in shanghai. how much does that rule? I laughed a lot when i saw it. maybe i can get a hello kitty theme on my next bike. maybe a pink helmet emblazoned with the hello kitty itself.

I find it amazing how my mind can get so cloudy, and then so clear after tremendous physical exertion. I was feeling terrible yesterday. So, I went for a good, long bike ride. about 40 miles. Originally I was intending more like 25, but i decided to put on more miles. Now, this was a difficult ride. My legs weren't cooperating, my head was in the clouds, I was cold, and there was a headwind for much of the ride. But today, I feel 100% better...except for the fact that I can't stop snacking on crap.

Anyway, I rode up toward mayfield and decided to visit dad while I was up there. I find it strange that I have this compulsion to visit. I mean, I'm not religious at all, and even if i were, I wouldn't believe his 'spirit' or something lingered around his grave. I think, in part, its some degree of admittance to myself. I'm having these issues. I think the thing I admire most about dad was how he did, and was excellent at, whatever needed to be done. Me...I find I have a very steep learning curve. I get good at things over time, but I don't feel naturally good at anything. The only reason I majored in politics was because it was one of the few things I just did well. Sure, I worked at it...paranoia made me work hard in school, but in reality, it was just something that made sense to me. but did it fulfill me? hardly. I had some great profs. but I wouldn't call it anything that really stimulated me intellectually. I was much more interested in religious studies... where I did well, but not nearly as well. and i worked my ass off. Now, some may say that I did law naturally well, but that's not true. The truth is, it was just more school, and by the time I got to law school, I was really good at school. Further, several of my classes were similar in style to law classes. So, I felt relatively well prepared for law school.

Herein lies my current problem. I have this steep learning curve--it takes me a long time before I get good at anything--I have no experience at 'real' law and I won't be good right away.... and if i try to go into something else, i won't be good at that right away either. but, I'm at the point in my life, where I want to be able to provide. for myself, for my family if needed. But I can seem to even get started. and I'm scared that even if i do find some job, I'll falter at it because I can't do what's asked of me.

I wonder if dad had these self esteem issues. I doubt it. I think he just saw something he wanted to do and did it. no question. Me, its all questions. I want to be more like dad in that respect.

Id really like to find a therapist. I think I have a lot of issues that I need to work thru. But first, I actually need to get paid. and a steady job would be nice. sigh.

well now

So, this case I'm working on keeps getting more interesting. not to go too far into it, to bore everyone reading, but we've chatted up a copyright expert who agrees with our position and he's like fantastically interesting and CRAZY! I really hope I get to meet him.

Sadly, I won't be sitting at counsel's table, but that's ok. I'll probably get some kick ass spectator's seats.

So now I'm sitting at Arabica doing some work and kinda listening to music. I'm feeling again like I need new music, but I'm not sure what new music I want.

And I'm trying to deal with the idea of being unemployed again in about a month or two. That's sad.

I have dreams but I can't ever seem to catch them. and I think I'm scared to try too hard, because not only am i afraid of failure, but i often wonder if i'm afraid of success as well. do i sabotage myself? who knows.

mom and i went to talk with tom markel, the financial adviser yesterday. finances are fantasticaly interesting simple and complex at the same time. I find it interesting what investment companies are willing to offer you for a whole lot of money. But, on the plus side, it will guarantee mom money for the rest of her life. That's one thing off my mind. Still, I dont feel right leaving. Mom was saying that I should go if i want to go, but the thing is, I feel like my life has changed dramatically. I dont want to think about going to school anymore because I feel like I need to try to support myself and, if necessary, help mom out. I mean, i've mooched off of her for 30 years now; its what I want to do. but I can't tell her that because she'll think i'm crazy. The truth is, i dont want to help unless its necessary... but if it is necessary, i want to be there. you see, mom and dad were there for me during my worst times: when I was trying to kill myself back after Oberlin and after I graduated college and after i graduated law school. they were there for me, they offered me food and a home, and I want to pay mom back and at the same time try to be what I never was during dad's life: successful and happy

ok, this is making me sad. I need to wrap it up and get back to work or i'll never focus again.

c&h

It would be difficult to overestimate the importance of calivn and hobbes to my childhood. I've found myself recently in the position of trying to explain how great Calvin and Hobbes is, and I always want to just say "look, its great. its beyond words. just read it." which never seems to work. So, i guess I could say that it was incredibly funny, touching, witty, honest, and perceptive.... but really, i'm not sure that gets at why i love it so much. In reality, i love calvin and hobbes because they felt so real in their 10 years of life that they were friends of mine. They felt like real people, friends, and when they left, i was honestly sad.

So,i'm still here in columbus for another couple of hours. I think i'm going to sleep all day when i get back home.... i'm feeling rather lethargic right now as i try to read over our brief once again. yesterday was good, but i was passing out by the end of our meeting...i kept thinking to myself "please, i can't think anymore... lets just call it a night." but no such luck. ugh..... ok... need to perk up and go over to the law school.