instead

Instead of embarrassing myself thoroughly, I'm only going to do it half way. More thoughts on girls, always.

I think I must be different than a lot of guys. Since I've been single for about 4 years now, Mike's been trying to give me pointers on how to end that. But the truth is that I don't really want to follow anything he suggests. See, unlike most guys, i'm not sexually attracted to most women upon first meeting them. Unlike most guys, I don't want to date or sleep with every pretty girl I meet. It's just not me. Instead, I've found that it takes a while for me to get to that point. I think it's probaby because I see myself as a hard person to be good friends with. I mean, I have a lot of acquiantances... people I like, but I count "friend" as a special designation. Friends are the people I think about when they arent around. Friends are people I'm willing to share important thoughts and feelings with. Acquaintances are just people I meet in coffee shops who I like, but ultimately will probably fall out of contact with over the years. Friends, to me, are in it for the long haul.

Anyway, I think that, because I'm a little kookie, or at least I see myself that way, I don't really develop sexual attraction to the girls I meet until we've already developed a friendship. Combine this with the fact that I'm deathly afraid of rejection, and I'm terrified to ask girls out, and you have a very bad situation for me to actually go out with a girl. See, because I've found that after becoming a friend with a girl, I'm off the "to date" list. at least, that's been my experience so far. And what then happens is that I ask a girl out who I like as a friend, and have develop most feelings for, and I get shot down.

And then the danger begins. Because at that point, I've weirded our friendship. or at least potentially. Because she either never had physical feelings for me, or she's lost them... and while I'm fine going back to just being friends, she may not be. at least, that's what's happened often. And we stop being friends. And it's very difficult for me to lose a friend, probably because when someone becomes my friend, I emotionally invest in our relationship, whether I show it or not.

Ok. I guess this is where I write that I've developed quite a fondness for a friend of mine. (who is probably reading this right now, and god I hope not, but if she is, I'm sorry). And I don't want to say anything because I like spending time with her; I like calling her a friend. And I don't want that to go away. But sometimes it makes me sad...because I look at her and think "god you're beautiful and funny and smart and cool... why aren't you into me at all?"

Fortunately, I know it will go away over time. My stupid crushes always do. So, and I hope she's not reading this, but if you are reading, please don't feel weird. I'm just lonely and well you're nice to me and you're beautiful and funny and smart and cool. And I spend too much time alone.

And, I mean, asking Sarah out ended up not weirding our friendship. Instead, I'd say that it probably loosened it up, because now I don't ever think about it. She's a friend who I care about, but I don't have to worry about trying to date her. I got that out of the way.

So who knows what I'll do.

Why is this all coming out? Perhaps it's because of the wedding. Perhaps its because of my birthday. Perhaps its because i'm lonely. who knows.