this one is for me

I always write, knowing full well that other people read this blog. I write normally for you all in some way... because I want to let you know what I'm thinking. Well... this one is all me. because its all depressing crap
So, I haven't been this depressed in years. years. probably since i was back at Oberlin. When i was lonely. and confused. and feeling like everything was pointless. that's how I am right now. Right here. Im lonely. Im confused. I dont understand why i work so fucking hard when ultimately it doesnt matter. I dont understand why it is that whenever i actively try to get someone to like me, it never works out. I dont understand why i can't handle pressure. I dont understand why im such a fucking fuck up. I dont understand why im so fucking unhappy. I dont understand why im so fucking alone. I dont know what the fuck im doing in law school. I dont know what the fuck im doing next year. I dont know who the fuck i am any more. I dont understand why i never see the people i call my friends. I dont understand fucking anything. I'm done. Ive had it. Im finished. life has beaten me. I didnt even make it to 30..... i didnt even make it to 29. this shit isnt worth it. life isnt worth fucking worrying about all teh fucking time. the world is a cold and lonely place. from dirt we are made and to dirt will will return. fucking goddamn. i hate this fucking shit

rent-boy

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose video game machines, cars, MP3 players, and electric can openers. Choose a vegetarian diet, low cholesterol, and health insurance. Choose fixed interest student loans. Choose rental payments. Choose your friends. Choose designer jeans and shiny shoes. Choose a three button, black pin stripe suit complete with matching belt and tie. Choose homework and wondering who the fuck you are every morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking small batch, boutique kettle chips in your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, with no friends, no family, and alone and lonely in a stuffy, ugly room while you eat peanut butter from the jar as you try to prepare for some pointless 'exam' that's really only tests if you can best the person next to you in a game of chance. Choose your future. Choose life. But who would want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reason when you go to law school?

tired

So, the good news is that I'm not nearly as insane as I was last night. The bad news is that I'm still going thru my anxiety thing. I'm no longer pining... and that's good...... I guess that I just felt like realy depressed and really confused and I really wanted someone there just for me. Let's face it, I needed a hug. Hell, i still need a hug

So I haven't written this because its not very real to me yet... but Uncle Bill died. I didn't know Uncle Bill very well... he was just Grandma's brother that I saw once every couple of years or so. But that doesnt mean that he wasnt family. On the contrary, he looked just like dad and grandma... so he was one of us, whether I knew him or not. And he gave me a bull. And I named that bull psychopath. And that's kinda awesome. Good bye Uncle Bill.... i wish I had known you better... I'm glad I got to see you a couple of months ago. Good bye.... the world is short one of my relatives... and that shouldn't be..... I no longer understand anything about life. And I dont understand anything about death. And I dont know why we go on. And I dont know why we strive every day to do something when ultimately, we are just going to leave this world.... ahhhh.. the cruel joke that is human consciousness. Why do we see things? It would be so much better if all we had to worry about is avoiding predators, eating ocassionally, and finding someone to spread our genes with. That is really the only purpose of life, anywya, right? To make sure that your genes are passed on? Right? Instead we can understand our own mortality. and that's awful. So we grasp for something greater than ourselves. LIke a god, or a country, or a football team, or a profession, or something. something that is timeless because we can't handle our or short span. but there is no way to live forever. Even if you make your mark, it is still, ultimately pointless. I dont know what I'm talking about. Im so tired I can't even see what I'm typing right now.

yoooooo darth maul

So, word is that Ray Park, who you SHOULD know as Darth Maul , has been cast as Snake Eyes in the upcomming (and surely crappy) G.I. Joe Movie. (not cobra-la, unfortunately). I have to say, I really love this casting move. He should be great. Tho, I wonder who they are going to be casting as Stormshadow, everyone's favorite Ninja Assassin. Anyway, way to go, at least for this one.

depressed

So, I was depressed last night. I'm still depressed. and that was one depressing post I made. Still, i'm not going to edit it out.... because i don't do that. Just know that i'm not going to kill myself or anything. it's just that things are very hard on me right now and I hate putting on my face for the world. That's why I need my blog. Because my mask can only be on so long. I can only feign calmness or happiness for so many hours in one day. then, i need to come here and just start typing and see what comes out. and that's what came out.

hurts

School hurts my head because I can't figure it out and its all imploding on me. Life hurts my body because I can't sleep when i want to and can't stay awake when i need to. law school hurts my will because it makes me realize how pointless this all is... life hurts my soul because I never make good friends until i leave them. She hurts my heart because she continues to be nice to me and I'm not quite over it yet and makes me realize once again that serendipity is bullshit and that... well... that i'm a friend... and that's good, but being a friend can be lonely too. (give me a couple of days, ok... its been a ruff semester).

double addendum

that sounds like some awesome porno sex position. Anyhoo... just so we are clear, I was right in my earlier post entitled "reflections." Right about the first part, that is, about liking her more than I should because I was setting myself up for failure. I just want all you out there who told me differently to acknowledge my correctness. that's all Im asking for.

addendum

Of course, anyone who reads this blog will know about my little burning torch....

the truth

I don't have time to cogitate on it... and I've wanted to... but I just haven't had time to think about how I am and where I am after my embarrassment the other night. Is it weird that I really want to think about what it means in the sorta mythos that is stephen? Is it because I'm a geek.? Probably. I think its because I'm an INTJ.... from what i've read, we do those kinds of things. Oh well.... it happens, i guess... I think my problem right now is that I'm still holding out hope... Maybe I shouldn't admit to that. But i can't help it. But, being passive and a weird cat and the kind of guy who'd ultimately rather have a friend than a girlfriend, I won't act any differently, and it won't really affect me, but I'll carry a small torch. A very small little torch that no one can see burning... sigh... it sucks to be the duckie... just once i want to be blaine.

no time

can't write much right now. But I have a lot to write. lots going on in my mind. instead, i'll just leave you with this picture.
It's comming back. real soon, like

wow. WoW

So... I saw maybe the best commercial today. I'm embedding it here even tho i know some of you (andrew) have troubles streaming video. dont care. this actually makes me want to play wow again. tho, it looks like they are ripping off apple. I mean, i dont think there is a copyright or tm violation or anything, but its definitely taking that style. any way... damn this is funny.

what's wrong with me

sigh. can't focus on my work.

rejected

So, I definitely need my "to pretty girls: I'm lonely and pathetic, don't talk to me" t-shirt. I don't want to blog this, but I have to. I got shot down today. It was a gentle let down.. but it was a let down nonetheless. Actually, it would have been better if she had just said "I don't like you... go away." But she didn't. And well... the problem is that I don't feel any different. I feel rejected, but I still like her....I don't have the "you suck" sort of feeling. But I don't have the "walking on sunshine sort of feeling" either. I mean, of course its better to know...but its hard too because I don't feel like changing how I'm acting toward her. I don't even feel like I have to. its better to have a friend than not.... that's always true..but, would I have like it to be different... of course..... no question....so I went home, ate a bunch of chex mix... and now i feel sick....and am trying to do some more work before going to bed.... but... well... I'm hurt.... and its not her fault Its mine. for getting my hopes up...... Its like when Marta asked me if all my problems were caused by her. Well, yes.. but they were my problems... and I'd never blame her. Sarah... I know you said you don't read my blog... but, if you do... well... I won't be weird... I'm just going to continue to be me. but, well, its just sometimes hard for us lonely guys... Sometimes I hate being a ducky. the duck man... duck-er-ino.... sometimes, I wish I were more of a james spader... but alas.... the duckman, i am.... sarah... i just hope you understand that while I may need to be sad in my blog here, I'm not at all mad.... just... well... i continue to be alone. and i dont want to be alone. and that's something i've been trying to remedy. and apparently all the girls im into aren't into me. maybe i should set my sights lower. or maybe I should become a monk. or maybe i should just be ok with being alone. gaaaa.... oh well, a new friend who actually wants to spend time with me is actually a really great thing... still.... see below: (I'm off like a dirty shirt.)

"I want you to know: Despite my appearance at this function, I remain now, and will always be, a Duckman."

clarification

Just to be clear... I'm not looking to get married or something. Its just that, I never understood before that there is a difference between liking somone and liking what someone likes. There is a difference, and I think its a serious difference, and I guess I'm only really interested anymore in people who i like, not people who I like what they like. And I'm not interested in fooling myself to thinking that liking someone for what they like is the same thing as liking them....Rebekka taught me that that's not a good idea.

reflections

So, there is only a very short time before finals and I'm not at all ready. Yes, i'm nervous... yes, im denying my lack of preparedness... but I'm not that bothered today. Tonight I went out to dinner with Sarah. And it was great. but i have a little dilemma.... I dont know if its because I'm pathetic. I don't know if its because I'm lonely. I dont know if its because I've been single for so long. I dont know if its because I'm old... but I feel myself liking her more than is healthy for me. Because if it turns out that she's really not interested in anything, well, its going to hurt... Now, I haven't fallen off that cliff yet, but I feel it comming. I'm going to say something. I'm going to say something. I'm going to say something. but not right now. Not until class is over. not until finals are over. Then I'll have the guts.... maybe by then things will have answered for themselves. I mean, if I had to guess, I'd say that she's not sure where i stand either... but I'm just no good at this unsure, tippy toe, courting part of the relationship. I just want to know. Am I barking up the wrong tree? Do I have a chance? Am I doing the right things? I have no idea.

then i stop... or, more acctuatly, i just stopped... and I have to think, am i into her because I'm lonely... or is it because I actually like her... or is it because she's nice to me. The last two girls I've dated have been mistakes for one reason or another.... Rebekka... well, I knew right away that we shouldn't date... but I was lonely. And it hurt in the end. Christine... well, i liked her... but there wasn't much there... it was more me being lonely and having found someone who thought I was physically attractive.... but I'm sick of that... its soooooo unsatisfying.... Sure, we had a good time, but it was ultimately hollow... and i hate the fact that I don't talk with her now... its not that i dont like her or anythings... its more like, we weren't really compatable as friends... not enemies or anything... just two very different people...

and I feel myself going in that direction...What i neeed to do is stop trying... stop thinking about. I need to not worry about it for at least the next 20 days. But I just want to know... I'm tired... I think I'll go to bed early. I was going to throw in a movie. maybe I will still... but i sorta doubt it....

things were so much easier in high school. marta demanded that I go out with her.... Katie jumped on top of me... marta and I didn't break up... So im no good at this beginning part... because I never had a beginning part.. I just skipped all that bullshit. and I wasn't so eager... or anxious.. or something...

ohhhh... what does it matter? Even if i were to start dating someone, I'll most likely be hundreds of miles away next year. hundreds of miles away.... and It will only hurt to move.. sigh.... what the fuck... why can't anything ever be easy?

Indy... please dont suck

So, im very conflicted. Mr. Lucas. Mr. Speilberg.. PLEASE DON'T FUCK UP INDY!!!!! You already have to pretend that the new star wars movies never happened. please don't do it to Indy. Please don't make me kill you. These new photos... looopoook... sweeeeett... please dont fuck it up.

blechjjj

So, I want to take more time to 'smell the rose' as they say. Our lives are some demanding. I spend all of my time working on something. I really just want to go out and walk on a trail.

hrmmm....????......hrmmmm.....

So, as is common on sunday mornings, I don't feel like working yet, so I'm going to blog. I know that my blogs are pretty routinely depressing, and I think that stems from a few factors. First, I often blog late at night when I'm all alone and its dark and I kinda just want to talk to someone. So, i'm depressed. Second, I often blog when I have something that I need to say, and often what I need to say is depressing. Third, I'm a depressive. Once the school year is over until january, I'll try to be more positive here.
Anyway, today's ok. I rode my bike to stauf's, so that's kinda awesome. But anyway, under Kathryn's advisement, I checked out match.com.... I'm not planning on following up anything on it, I'm still trying to 'old fasioned' method, but I did check it out......and I've noticed one thing that's a little curious. Like all the girls on it list "long hair" as a turn-off... hrmmmm... I mean, a specific turn off. now... i can understand not really wanting long hair... but i mean, a turn off. hrmmmmm...anyway, it hardly matters.... old fashioned way still working on it... it'll work work work...

anyway, i suppose that I should do work. so that's what I'm going to do. I'll probably post again later... maybe from a propo.

down like a clown

Long day of work. Just finished. going to bed. but have to brush teeth... so, stalling... because getting ready for bed sounds like a lot of work right now. I really should have done laundry... no socks. maybe i'll just buy socks tomorrow. Then i can put off laundry for another couple of days. Got some good work done today. Tomorrow has to be even better. So, I'm locking myself in my cave--the journal office. I like it when no one's there, but tnight the lights where humming and crushed my head. tired. tired... should just go to bed. seeing family and friends was nice... wish it was recharging... but instead it just reminded me of the conflicts... I like columbus more than i have at any time in the past. I've got stauf's, friends, some stableness, a possibly viable prospect for dating... but I'm moving away... it seems that everytime things start to get comfortable. Things start to feel normal... it gets taken away. Sure, its my fault this time... but still... still... god, i wonder what would have happened if borders had promoted me... woudl I be living in ann arbor right now? would I be a manger... I think its a possibility that I'd be in ann arbor... am i better off now? Will I be better off next year? tired tired tired... sleepy.. and wishing that I wasn't alone. Its not that I'm lonely..... its more like, I haven't used my voice for many hours...and I probably won't tomorrow very much... lock myself in the journal office.... no talky for a while, i guess.. oh well, tired tired tired.. neeeeeed to sleep... wish post was more interesting.

turkey day!

So, despite the amazing amounts of work I have to do, I decided to go home for turkey day... However, I'll be headed back to cbus later this evening.... provided there isn't a blizzard or something. Right now, its snowing a bit, so that's a distinct possibility Still, I've driven thru some awful weather, so maybe I shouldn't be worried too to much. Things right now are ok. I've gotten some work done, but not worked on my paper which I really need to focus on starting tonight. so, instead, I've been studying for patents... its going a bit ruff... lots o info.

I think I've cajoled jason into reading this blog now... so that's exciting. hanging out with him last night was awesome. Old friends are basically incomparable.... And i was thinking, I've actually known Jason now for more than 7 years. bordering on 8, actually. that's a shit load of time... and makes me say 'where the fuck has the time gone' yet again. Kathryn tries to tell me i'm not old... but the reason I feel so old is because I haven't even kinda begun a real life yet... and I won't begin a real life for another 6 years... I guess that part of the reason I've been so anxious about Sarah is not just because I haven't dated in so long...but its because I'd like something stable in my life. As bad as some of the times with Marta were, at least she was awesome that she always wanted to talk to me and always wanted to see me. It was stable. it was real. and it was consistent. And it was nice to feel wanted. Now, well, I know that some people would worry about me if I wasn't around for a couple of days, but I really can't prove it..... and I guess that's it... I feel old because i'm 'behind' where I imagined my life at this point and because I'm taking steps to just stretch that out.... talking with Jason, its tru, I'd like to just work and make money and not worry too much about stuff... but, some sort of egoism is forcing me to stay in school,learn something cool, and get that phd, and teach... i know that I could be happy just working some job that pays well enough to buy my cds once a week... but my ego won't let me... I want to be more tao. I want to get rid of humanly wants..... but I just can't sem to cast my ego away...not yet anyway.

so, on a final note, I think I'm going to post over at myspace more frequently. The fact that people comment on my posts over there makes me feel nice.. makes me remember that people actually do care enough to read this drivel. And, I secretly hope that Sarah reads it. Because I've been awkward recently because I dont know what she thinks and I just can't seem to spit out what I want to.

ok.. back to patents... happy tofurkey day

I r in your branez, stealin you will to work

So, i can't seem to work this minute, so I'm taking some time and writing a blog post. To be totally truthful, I really just wanted to post that pic. Pretty cool, dontchathink? So, there it is...

a little bit about Iron Chef Michael Symon

I really hope they dub him Iron Chef Midwest. And all he makes is corn dogs, eggs over easy, and his own brewed faygo. A quote from our new Iron Chef: "I'm going to rip it up today. I'm going to rip. Kitchen Stadium. Up. Who's your daddy?" That's money.

hope.... :(

I often think about how unfortunate it is that we are human. Sure, we have neat-o things like movies and the Nintendo Wii... but really, for my money, I think it'd be better if we were more like other animals. Today, I'm thinking mostly of the peculiar human condition of hope. I'm sure it comes form the human grasp of the future. That there is something out there to reach for. That things can be better. But I wish I could just live in the present. I wish my main concerns were finding food to eat and getting someone to let me outside because either I have to pee or because there is someone out there that I need to harass. Instead, i'm stuck with hope. But its the terrible kind of hope. Because I think that there are at least 2 ways that hope can manifest. One is the "OMG it would be so sweet if this happens" hope. I think that Libby feels that way every time you walk to the door. "OMG it would be totally sweet if he opened that door open openopenopenopen." But then there is the depressed sort of hope. "God I hope this happens.. but I know it won't." Now, at first, I would have said depression is the opposite of hope. But I now realize that they are actually closely related. At least, sorta. Depression is, in someways, hopelessness. But in others, it is like unrealistic hope. It is hoping but knowing that it can't happen. And that's probably the worst thing that hope can do to you. It makes you see a rosy future then takes it away from you. Evilly. I hate 'getting my hopes up' because I've learned that everytime I do, they are dashed on the rocks. And i feel my hope building for a couple of things right now.... and it scares me. frightens me.... because i know that all my hopes will fall.

oh god, please don't suck

Apparently, the Ghostbusters 3 video game is totally a go. Penned by Dan (the man) Akaroyd and Haris Ramis (the authors of the original movies), and with the voice talents of Akaroyd, Ramis, Bill Mury, and Ernie "I hate Jello" Hudson, this game has some real potential. Potential to SUCK!!!! that is... ugh... I want this one to be good. Look at that FUCKING PICTURE!!! GAHHHH!!! it looks sweet. Please don't fuck this one up. Please please please.

quick post

As if I didn't already love japan, i just learned that they have a toy gun that shoots cute pink teddy bears... holy fucking shit... i can't stop laughing.

yay???

Is it foolish of me to give out my blog name to everyone? Ive been thinking about that recently. I mean, my blog is very not hard to find...if you know my name, you can find me. I mean, look at the url, for god's sake. But, yeah, so I mentioned it to Sarah yesterday...and I don't really regret it... but then again, I'm not sure I'd like her to read my post from the other day. hrmmmm... it certainly is a quandry... yup.... well.. I've decided that I don't care... This is stream of consciousness, free flowin' Stephen. And like beer, apple cider, and cigarettes, I prefer the unfiltered varieties... Because this space is for my bitching.... I hope that other people read it and laugh ocassionally...but ultimately I don't care.

So, anyway, I did go out with Sarah last night.... and well, still confused-sauce... but not really in bad way. I get a lot of the 'you're so nice' kinda stuff... Which is a fine thing to say, except its not always a compliment....yeah i'm nice... what do you expect, for me to be mean to you? Seriously now. But anyhoo... so we went out, under the pretense of doing work... and not surprisingly, no work was done... just a lot of chit chat.... and man, i had a great time. In fact, I awoke this morning after less than 6 hours of sleep feeling totally awesome! refreshed... ahhh... generally good outlook toward life.... ahhhh... yuppers... (of course, I'm not doing any work right now... but that will start soon enough). And of course, I didn't just ask... I was about to... I started to.. then I stopped... I will... maybe... could happen. We have tentative plans to go out later this week... sigh.....

on a final note, I think Bone Thugs 'N Harmony said it best: High techs and khakis when jackin, sawed-off, theres really no place to run. Niggas get vicious with my clique is. even the bitches carry guns. Basically, if you don't get it, Cleveland is so hard, EVEN THE BITCHES CARRY GUNS!!! Holy shit, that's one fucker of a towne (note the joking). But seriously... Cleveland rules. Westest of the East, Eastest of the Midwest, and the last line of defense against the Canadian Hordes (methinks we should consider a modern Hadrian's wall... wait, fuck that... even the bitches carry guns in cleveland... we'll hold off those hockey stick weilding, abOOt saying, back bacon eating bastards.). And now, even tho our sports teams are not so great, and even tho we broke murder records this summer, and even tho we are currently the 4th poorest big city in teh nation, and even tho our population is dwindling, we are officially the home town of the NEWEST IRON CHEF!!!! FUCK YEAH!!!! Welcome, Iron Chef Slovak (I'm just makign that part up... I dont' know what they'll call him) Michael Symon.... C-Towne Borne and bred.... you fucking rule..... and lemme tell you, he'll never lose, because if he does, his homies will roll in and bust a cap in the ass of his challenger. fuck yeah

confused zor

So, it's 2am and Im just getting home. Normally, I'd consider that a good thing. And it's defintitely not a bad thing. But i'm a little confused. So, I've been avoiding posting about her because I didn't really think that it mattered at all. And now that i think that it doesnt matter at all even more, I've decided to post for real...There is this girl... Sarah... and we've been getting along great. and She encouraged me to come out tonight. and it was great. I had a lot of fun. But i'm super confused right now. I thought at first the reason that she asked me out was that she was she was interested in me. Now, i think it may be that she just likes me 'as a friend' as they say. Which is ok. I like friends. I like girls being my friends. But the problem is that i got hope. Normally, I really good at shooting down hope as soon as it pokes its nasty head up there. Normally I shoot down any sexual feelings I have, any stupid crushes, and just go with the fact that 'she doesnt like me like that... but this girl... this one.. her... I couldn't.... and tonight I think was a definite downer for me. I mean, I had a good time... but well, I was hoping (there is that damn hope again) for evidence of something more. And well... I just took her friend home and am about to go to bed.... and the last thing she said to me was "you're nice to go out with." There is this other guy too who clearly was intersted in her... and I can't tell what to do... Aaron... I should just say something... I should do it... because if I don't, i'm just going to go nuts... ugh.. why does this all have to be so complex? I like her.... I'd like to spend more time with her... I just don't want anything to get weird.... I'd like her to like me back.... but i need to start living in reality... things are not like that.... I'm back to being Duckie... I'm the eccentric friend who doesnt get molly ringwald. And that's ok...but it can be a little lonely... .ultimately a little lonely. I'd like a friend... but I haven't had a girl friend in years.... and not one that i really cared about deeply in even longer.... and well, its making me sad.... I'm old... I want someone to want me... what's wrong with me... I make friends... people seem to like me... but no girl... I'm tired. I'm not sober... I'm going to bed.

i know what i miss

I miss times just sitting around and bull shitting... I miss it sooooo much... Its so rare no a days that I actually don't have anything else on my mind so I can just sit around and bullshit... nope... now a days all I think about is what else I have to do, what i could be doing, and why I'm not enjoying myself (which is a sadly true and awful cycle). But i miss those times. I need that again... god i hope i get into this program at brown.... god i hope so... fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.....so distracted today... fuck fuck fuck fuck...that's what I like about stauf's... there is alot of bullshitting that goes on... and sometimes I get to join in.... but these days, its rarer than I'd like it to be.... just too much to do.... so, I'm avoiding it... ugh...that's sad for me

Friday Morning not doing work post

So, apparently, the Decemberists canceled their concerts that were supposed to be in Columbus next week. I was all about going and trying to force someone to come with me... But the screw up my plans. So, instead I'm listening to the Crane Wife and blogging about how much I'd really like to see them live. This album really is really good. As Kevin and I have called it: Dikensian Prog-Folk-Rock. I actually think that's a pretty good description. Maybe add another modifier like self important. or something about rhyming coriander with salamander. Dunno..... but yea... I think this is shaping up to be a lonely weekend for stephen. My wow Account just expired and I don't think I'm going to renew...at least not before December. Tho, I could change my mind... since, as I said... lonely weekend. I wanted to go home... but work and gas prices that are far more than I should pay told me to just stay here...... and well, I'm still hopeful that I'll go out with someone. I mean, realistically, that's probably not going to happen. My main goals for today are to work hard then go and buy Ratatoullie. 'Cause its great!!!! And finish my personal statements.... that's a biggie... oh well.. maybe I'll post again later. I just hop I dont have to eat dinner alone tonight.... that's the dream here.... maybe that will happen... maybe not... who knows?

well... its official

It's official. I'm not going to Stauf's nearly as frequently as I used to. Today was sort of awful. NO work done. People won't leave me alone... sort of embarrassing. No work done.... really bad. no more stauf's... sigh.

huh? wa? ohhhhhhh

So, im looking outside, thinking, why the fuck is it so dark? then i remember... ahh.. the one hazard of fall back. oh well

oh the injustice

I just read that Katie Holmes ran in the NYC marathon this past weekend. It has been one of my life goals for many years now to be a marathoner... specifically, i want to run in the Boston....And every time I read about someone just going out there and finishing on, i get super jealous.. but this post isn't about my jealousy.. not really anyway... its really about the fact that it took her 5.5 hours to finish! what the fuck? A paraplegic infant could finish in 5.5 hours. That's 12.35 miles... So I wonder if she trained at all, or she just said a couple of weeks ago "i'm famous... i could run this thing...." and she went ahead and did it... and if that's the case, then I say, Oh the injustice... Because, even while a paraplegic infant could finish faster than katie holmes, I could not... stupid knees... I've had knee problems now for i think about 5 years.. maybe 6. I've lost track... and I've had it...I wonder if I can get cut open? fix my goddamn knee! fix it fix it fix it fix it! gah... further proof that either (a) god hates me or (b) god is malicious and gets off on causing pain and despair. Because i'm filled with both....

addendum

I just feel like life is passing me by as I mope around all sad and shit.... what the fuck? I don't even know what i want anymore.... did i ever know?

le weekend

So, I'm not realy sure what's wrong wtih me any more. I spent this weekend stressing out and being pissy... and did I even get done what I needed to get done? Of course not. Really, all I accomplished was to increase my stress levels and got pissier.
I'm at that point where I really want to run away from school, from life, from ohio, from everything. I really don't know what's up
On the plus side, I have been to the movies several times recently. Last weekend, Nooree was nice enough to go to Nightmare 3D with me (thanks Nooree, it was awesome of you) and this week, Sean and Suzi both were caught by my incessant nagging about how awesome it is. 'cause its awesome.
I really do think I'd be happy at that program at brown. But, It'd be super hard. I have no production background. No educational background. All I am is a crappy lawyer who won't admit it yet. I haven't told anyone yet, but I've been looking at doing an LLM next year and then maybe (maybe) working as an attorney after that. I could do IP! I don't hate it. Sure, I may hate myself for copping out, and hate my job, but I wouldn't hate the part where I actually started paying off my loans.
Its not like me to worry so much about loans. It didn't start realy until just the past couple of weeks. When I realized that I will be in debt forever. And the only work experience I have paid me just barely enough to live at home. I really dont want to be 30 and living with mom and dad and working some shit job, after going thru 3 years of mental hell. This whole school thing has been a terrible experience in almost every way possible--good god, please dont let that happen.
So, i'm lookiing at jobs teaching high school. It sounds pretty terrible. Actually, that's not fair.... it only sounds terrible because I'll have a JD. Normally, law school is what teachers do to escape teaching.... not the other way around.
Then, last night, I went out to Spagio's with Simon and Sarah.... Again, I'm not quite sure what's wrong with me. I've been whinning for so long that i have nothing to do and no one to do it with... and for the past 2 weeks I've actually dont things with people... yet, after I left last night, I was like really super alone...I went home and went to bed and all I really wanted to do was stay up all night and watch movies with someone...
That's the best part of winter vacation. Late nights watching shitty TV with Andrew.... Those days are at an end, i guess....
I want to grow up... why can't I? I don't understand why I cant let go of the past.. is that normal? I don't think so.... I don't know
Mike's been trying to encourage me to ask more women out... ok, that's not quite true... he's been trying to get me to ask anyone out... What's weird about this is that its very unmike.... Maybe he's lonely out there in Iowa, espeically now that he's single. I dunno. But its definately very unmike...I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. is it because we are both getting old? I've known mike now for i think 17 years. that's a scarey thought.
Kathryn told me I should try match.com. I don't think I'm that lonely yet.
And Gender is making me think about sad times.... about 'teh dark times' as I call them. Why can't I just let go of the past.
I need a dog. I miss Libby. I hope that whereever I go next year, I can take Yoshii. Oddly, tho, i'm lonely but i dont really want to be around people. Well, I would like maybe a family group hug. Kathryn, we miss you. I once read that we should hug more because it would be good for us as people. I'm kinda worried that my stress and that whole no-eating thing from a few years back are going to kill my heart way earlier than they should. So, maybe I need a hug.... Or just a libby. Either way, I'm thinking I'm shit out of luck.

new new plan

fuck it.

admittedly

yes... i'm being overly dramatic. fine... criticism accepted... i wish i wasn't such a drama king (?). such a sally.... but i look at my uncles and i think they gave up. mike was a musician. dan finally stopped practicing law.... i wish i could just give in...

new plan

Find something I don't hate and that pays me well enough to slowly pay my loans, buy a cd once a week, and own a dog. its time to stop pretending that i want to go to grad school. I don't have a 'passion' for poli sci.... I just think i'd enjoy teaching. i have a 'passion' for spending quality time on my bike, with my dog, with my family, playing video games... I just think i'd enjoy teaching. but I'll never get there so its time to be realistic. 100K debt scares me...... my seething hatred of the law is palpable. time to stop fucking around and to start growing up... apparetnly i've been wrong my whole life: growing up IS giving up. giving up your dreams. fuck

everyone say a super happy congrats to suzi and sean

So, I need to post this. Sean proposed to Suzi today!!!! yay!!! it was pretty awesome, I have to say. I'm excited for them...... awesomeness. They will officially be the second and 3rd people whom I know to get married. I think that's a bit odd. I'm 29... I've known a lot of people, yet of all those people, only Sara got married.... odd... but actually, fewer and fewer people I know are even dating right now... odd... Because, i mean, andrew and kathryn, we all come from a successful, happy family.. you think we'd be better at it then we are... ok, kathryn, i suppose its not your fault... but what the hell are we up to andrew?

i still can't figure out why I've been so lonely recently... its really kinda lame... its been bad.... hrmmmm... maybe I'll shake it off tomorrow...

tomorrow I'm going to see the Nightmare before Christmas in 3D!!!!! I tried to convince Nooree to go with me... and I think she may actually (come on, Nooree, you know you want to), but the truth is, I'm going either way... its awesome. and i needs me some clay animate morose humor musical... odd, normally i dont really care about seeing movies by myself, but whenever a 3D one come around I try to corral as many people as I can, and no one is ever interested. HOW CAN YOU NOT BE INTERESTED IN 3D!!!?!?!?!?!? IT RULES!!!

I had plans to write more in this blog, but I'm tired... and this post sucks. I think I'll just stop, i guess. i do like the picture for today, tho.

ugh... saturday

So, I'm fed up. This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone reading, of course.....and so its probably a little redundant to mention it, but I just can't seem to perk myself up. I've been working at a murderous clip and right now, i just can't seem to force myself to do anything. I've got so much work to do that I can't do anything. It's a shite state of affairs. I really want to go home. I want to hang out with mom and dad and andrew and then the family tomorrow, but I know that if I leave, i will absolutly get nothing done. As it stands right now, I may still be able to eek out some work... just not this second. But if I leave, its done... it will just be staying up late and watching tv with andrew and not doing my application, and not outlining, and not working on journal.

Oh, Journal. I hate journal. I spent approximately 40+ over the past week on one article. Its been insane.... I can't continue with this... I need to do the things I actually need to do, not this bullshit. I feel bad because a bit bitchy to Erin earlier, but i just can't take it... I'm ready to snap.
Oh, and I asked that girl out.... well, truth be told, I sent her an email asking if she wanted to go out to dinner.... and no response... at all... not even a 'go to hell, fucker' or a 'with you? ick!' So I think that the silence is actually really bad, at least for me. As I said the other day, I would prefer brutal honesty... But I just don't get women. I don't. non scio. wakarimasen. i don't know. That whole thing would be a lot easier if one of two things were true: 1. people were super open/honest about it.... and it was socially 'ok' to be that open. 2. we all had thought bubbles that popped over our heads that revealed out inner workings, comic style. But no... neither is going to happen any time soon.... I'm not really that torn up about the whole girl thing-to be honest, i'm no fun right now and I barely have time to sleep any more-but it unfortunately just fits in with how everything has been for me recently. In a word: frustrating....

This really has been a terrible semester for me emotionally. I'm trying to shake it off, but i can't. So I've been spending money in some vein attempt to cheer myself up (a habit of mine) and its just not working, so I spend more money, and it doesn't work, then I get depressed about how much money i've spent... ugh.

Two positive notes: first, I went to whole foods to try their pizza the other day. and it was fan fucking tastic. I got the vegan one-balsamic roasted portabellos (which normally I dont care for so much) and garlic.... the sauce was nice and salty, the mushrooms were perfectly done, and the garlic was super tasty (normally I dont like too much garlic). Next time I remember, I'll take a picture. second, Suzi, Sean, and I all have tenative plans to see the Nightmare before Christmas in 3D next week. I saw it last year, and it ruled. so, if I can make it till then without combusting or somethign, and if they are still up for it. that should be awesome. Actually, i'l go by myself even if they don't want to go. Its sweet.

ugh... ok, enough fuckign around. back to work.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

Now she's trashing him for being trashy and stupid and she's like a model fucking citizen and how much better she is than him and how much better HE IS NOW because they are dating. I hate her. I hate her with all my heart and soul. I'm trying to kill her with my mind right now. SCAN SCAN SCAN SCAN SCAN SCAN SCAN SCAN !!!! Holy goddamn!

i fucking hate people

SO I'm sitting here at Stauf's listening to a couple have a fight. Some young couple...no older than mid 20s... and one of her complaints is that she has female friends on face book and he doesn't list her as his main squeeze on face book, but he is only 'in a relationship.' She seems to have 5 male friends on facebook and that is a problem for him. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!? GROW THE FUCK UP!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!! IT'S FUCKING FACEBOOK!!!! This is the single most retarded thing I've ever listening to. And, she's wearing a Harvard sweatshirt. Goodgod I hope she didn't go to Harvard, or I am truly stupid because I have to be smarter than her, and I couldnt' get into harvard.... so maybe im not smarter than her... maybe I'm actually more retarded... holy fuck! I need them to die right now.

...because I don't quite feel like going to bed

I have nothing to write really... nice evening... didn't get nearly as much done as I should have, but perhaps that's why it was nice.... more than perhaps, methinks... Oh, and I'm pretty sure that I struck out swinging... I was really hoping for a foul tip or something to keep the at-bat alive, but it doesn't look like it. And there's no coaches challenge in this game... oh well..... I don't feel really bothered right now... I hope things stay that way... I think they will, at least until school starts up again. I will say, I feel a bit like Jason right now.. He was a bit prophetic... This is all probably very confusing to anyone reading this but me, but I don't feel like going into it.

tomorrow... party... fun fun... 80s night... stephen is bad dancer... he's no tiny dancer, that's fo' damn sure.... :)

patents and gender tomorrow... needs to get done-zor... done-sauce... basically, i just need to learn them... good luck me... good night mooon.

chilly (with a y)

So, its cold today. Cold in a good way, tho... the past few days in the high 80s-90s was just wrong. I shouldn't turn on the A/C in October. However, I unfortunately did not prepare for just how chilly it would be today. And I'm not dressed for the weather. So I'm a bit cold.

Yesterday I took the GRE... felt ok... not stellar. Not too bad. just fine.

Also, went to dinner... sadly alone. I tried get someone to go with me, but that didn't work out. Oh well, I wasn't really expecting anything.

And saw The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters. Its this documentary about the greatest Donkey Kong player in the world ever and a challenge to his throne.

It was awesome. I'll do a proper write up when I get the chance. Right now I'm just checking in while I decide what my next move is as far as studying goes. I've got so much to do, I'm not quite sure what I want to do next. ugh...

Journal is really killing me a bit. I can't believe how much work it is. I just put about 30+ hours in to one article and now I've learned that there is a new verison of the article, possiblly screwing up a lot of the work that's already been done. I'm so frustrated I could scream. I can't even decide what to do. I need to focus on school--journal has to be secondary. sorry journal. sorry Erin.. fuck you prof. swire. If I could quickly draw up an ascii middle finger, i would.

ugh... i feel tired all of a sudden... oh well, back to work, i guess. Maybe whole foods pizza for dinner? maybe that will make me feel better. Its Frank's birthday, and he invited me out with him and his friends, but I just dont think I can. ugh... I really need this year to calm down and give me a chance to catch up.

an odd thought

Still on the dating thing (it's been on my mind, what can I say)... I'm sitting right next to some couple who is clearly on a first date.... perhaps a blind date even. Perhaps even met on the internet. And few things make me want to date less than this... I can't handle how annoying the 'getting to know you' phase it... goddamn... that's why its so much better to actually know the person you are dating... And at the same time, maybe that means that its better to date now rather than later... because, well, these people are pathetic.... ugh..... I hope it works out for them... but like an interview, I'm personally of the opinion that you should be much more honest. "look, this isn't going to work out... I'm happy to have coffee with you, but lets be honest with ourselves and just go separate ways after tonght." It would work so well in teh interview world and in the dating world.... brutal honesty... sure, it'll suck up front, but down the road, i'm telling you, its way better.

sunday sunday sunday... we'll sell you the whole seat, but you'll only need, THE EDGE!!!!!!!

So, its time for the NEW READER update.... While she hasn't posted a comment yet to alert you all of her existence, she is a reader and thus deserves HER VERY OWN PROFILE, written by none other than yours truly

Name: Susan 'Suzi' (middle name unknown, so I'll guess) Elizabeth Schmidt
Title: Doctor-Doctor
Alternate title: D2R2
place of birth: unknown--guess: some suburb of columbus
current residence: C-bus, baby!!!!
eyes: brown (?)
hair: brown (do i know anyone who doesnt have brown hair?)
likes: fighting cancer, the buckeyes, Chiplote, felafel, dirty gurrlscouts (YEAH!!! who doesn't love a good dirty girl scout), pear sorbet Sean (her hammer tossin'/rock climbin'/chocolate lovin' man).
dislikes: ice cream with chunks, bagels with seeds, Michigan, when stephen is overly wussy, when stauf's is overly busy, Bo Yu, people who are high on themselves.
quote: "I'm just pretending to not listen (here with my headphones on), but in reality, I'm totally paying attention and waiting to throw in a burning zinger... tee hee"

Meeting our hero in his favorite hang out earlier this year, Suzi and Stephen soon became 'those people who sit in the same spots every day which happen to be right next to each other.' Something of a Stauf's Satler and Waldorf. But times are a'chanin' a bit. the second half of 2008 is a bit of a change of pace for this dual degree student. For the past two years, she's been in medical doctor school, but she has officially begun her 'more normal' life as a philosopher doctor student. After kicking some super tuff medical test-thing, she's now fully dedicated to looking thru microscopes for the next 4 years or so....... Smart, funny, and fun, the world is her oyster (I don't understand that phrase, but I'm goign to use it anyway).... and on top of everything, she dates a guy (Sean) who is really cool in his own right... yupppp, except for the excessive amounts of work, everything seems groovy on the Suzi front. And now she has joined our illustrious ranks (which is easily is the best resume filler that anyone can have)... (oh...and because I'm evil) there is a least one picture of her on the internet that is pretty easy to find (and not on facebook or something).

A quick note for Suzi... the other day Suzi took some time to 'encourage' me to grow some ballz and ask this girl out..... and she also encouraged everyone else in stauf's at the time to help 'encourage' me.... and I think she was worried that she offended me... But she should know that I realize that i'm a big sissy. And maybe one day I'll be man enough to actually ask... but right now. well, i'm a sissy...

actually, i said this to Phil the other day, and its an excuse, but I think its sadly true. I've been so busy recently that I dont have the time or energy to deal with 'dating.' A 'date' for me would be like 'hey baby, lets go sit in a coffee shop and read!' That's hot. oooooo..... I would especially have a hard time dating someone who didnt understand my insanity and who didn't understand the pressures that school/law school can put on you (me). And, one thing I didn't say to phil, is that I always get a little more scared when I'm feeling a little bit more lonely, because I don't want to go thru that whole dependency thing again... that hurt... and, the last long term relationship i was in I basically got into because I was lonely. And I made a lot of bad decisions becasue of that... I was blind to reality... and it really hurt in the end. guh.... anyhoo... i'm outtie.

Stephen: Rockin' the sexy calves since 1999!; or, that which does not kill us only makes us weakened for the next attack

My seat is taken and hence I can't focus. Its a little odd, but I need to be in my spot to do work.... Actually, I'm probably going to have to avoid Stauf's a little more than normal simply because of the unbelievable amounts of work I have to do. Under normal circumstances, I do a lot of work at Stauf's, but, as Martin Lawrence once remarked "shit just got real..." and I think I may have to lock myself in the journal office from now until december.

Tuesday is my GRE date. I wish I felt more ready than I do. But well, the math is just frustrating for me. That's it. frustrating. and takes too long for a time pressured exam. Then, shortly after the test, I need to finish up some applications. I basically am giving myself 2 weeks to get them done. I can't take any longer than that or they will just get in the way of my school.

I've been in a funk today. Which is sorta odd. Last night was really nice: went out for dinner with Suzi and Sean and then came back to the staufice and did a little work and then watched crappy music videos with some peeps here. But I work up annoyed, tired, and depressed..... oh well.... and being told that my life is pretty good doesnt really help. I mean, that's fine.. I accept that objectively speaking, things are pretty good for me... except for that whole school/life thing. But The truth is, when it comes to depression, objective truth about your life doesnt really matter. All that matters is your subjective perception of your situation. And I just can't help but feel old and aloof. I just do. I know I'm not old, but I'm not at all where I "envisioned" myself being at any stage of my life. I can't say with certainty where I imagined my life heading, but it certainly wasn't alone and lonely sitting in a coffee shop blogging about being depressed. That was definitely not in the book. But I have a feeling that we've gone off script. And the director (me) has lost all control over the actors (also me.. but a crappier part of me). Like George Lucas, I want to go back and issue a new and improved special edition of my life and pretend that the old one doesnt xist, or at least, its not canon: now Stephen doesn't lose his mind, now he just takes a path and walks it, now he doesnt fuck up his body time and time again, this time Johnny Depp plays Stephen and he's way more suave. Alright, I know that I whine and complain, and its all because I just can't wrap my mind around my own life. I suppose this is a common thing: you can see the path for others, but not the one in front of you. My eyes are damned to the truth.


I've remarked on this before, but I'm going to say it again: I used to be much better at being alone than I am now. Now, for some reason, the extreme loneliness of my apartment just kills me. It shouldn't be that way... I don't get it. Maybe its because I feel old. Maybe its because there was a time when I always had people to hang out with and being alone was mor eof a choice. But ugh...

I've also decided that I dont' understand what I'm doing thinking about getting a PhD and going to law school and all that jazz.... Is it for me? Do I actually want to do it? Or is it to achieve some nebulous conception of 'worth' that I dont' feel like I've lived up to? I should just work a job and play video games and read books and one day die... because what I'm doing right now is only a lot of stress and annoyance.. and lets be honest, life should be about maximizing the times that you feel happy and minimizing the times that you feel sad. I wish I were more tao. I wish I were an artist. I wish my major talents weren't brooding and bitterness. I wish I could be more positive.

I just realized something. And epiphany. Marta used to really hate the part of me that needs answers. That craves the ability to logic out a situation. Things that don't intuitively 'make sense' to me are almost painful to me. Which is a real problem because life doesn't make sense. I guess Marta had it right all along... Unfortunately, now I'm more moody and I STILL hate it when things don't make sense.

The end of my days with long hair is nigh. I really want to donate it. If I have to wait to cut it off, I will... but I'm hoping that a salon will tell me that I can just take it down to the scalp...

So, on a positive note, I have a new reader, I think. You know I love my readers (all 6 of you). Everyone welcome Suzi and expect a profile of her tomorrow (or today, if I can't seem to do work).

I just noticed something...huh?; or, I want someone to describe me as strong enough to pull the wings off a gundar

I just noticed something, and its worthy of a quick blog post. In the first trilogy, Vader and the Emperor are calm almost all the time. You can tell they hate, but they are in control. Perhaps that is what makes them so powerful...that they can control their hatred so effectively. But, I was thinking about this as connected with the new trilogy, and this is yet another time Lucas seems to have fucked up.... In EPs 1-3, the Sith are clearly angrey. The only one who shows real control is Dooku... Sure, Maul is pretty calm in his few scenes, but he is clearly pissed off (I think he sprouted those horns by sheer will). But, think of EP3... Anakin is fucking livid.... The Palpy is a nut-bar... But Dooku didn't hate... He used his intense feelings to channel his power. Now, being the Star Wars apologist that I am, I can explain this...In the years between Ep3 and 4, Vader and Palpatine learned better about the Dark Side how to use their powers.... But I think this is a shitty excuse for Lucas fucking up yet again. One more time he shows how he misunderstands his own universe....It makes sense for Anakin to be how he was... It makes sense for him to have uncontrollable rage..... that is how Obi Wan was able to beat him (twice, I think). But Palpy doesn't make sense... He shouldn't have been purely crazy in teh final movie... He should have been more in control. More like Vader. More like He wa in the EP1 and 2 where he clearly shows that he's got his shit down... I dunnooooo... I'm making more out of it than needs to be.

So, other than that... things here have been very hard.... but its basically the same old same old. GRE in 1 week.. .grad apps being neglected...keep thinking that this girl may be into me, but not sure... so I dont do anything about it because I'm a sissy... and because I'd much rather just be a friend than potentially fuck things up.... sorta cleaned my apartment... dying to watch blade runner... need more free time... almost murdered a prof here.... and a partrage in a pair tree.

Maxwell's silver hammer

Andrew once pointed out a phenomenon about himself that applies with equal force to me. (yet another thing, i suppose). We both tend to hate the people who are into the same things that we are into. There are many such examples, but the one that comes to mind today is Columbus. As I've recently remarked, I have grown a fondness for Columbus that I never had during my first stint here. But today (and last night) I came to the realization that Columbus, like WoW, cycling, and Star Wars, is yet another instance where I don't like the people who also like Columbus. And who are these people???? Who is the achetypical Columbus-er? Why, of course, it is the Buckeye undergrad. Today was like move in day or something on campus and the influx of stupidity, testosterone, and walking proofs that Darwin was totally fucking wrong with his whole natural selection/evolution thing reminded me of why I gave this place the finger as I left the first time. It is no secret that I come to Stauf's at least partially to escape from law school and law students, 90% of whom get up my nose like a wire toilet brush, but it is almost impossible to completly run away from the buckeyes. They are everywhere. Everywhere. But the worst part is that even after the graduate, grow up, get jobs, procreate, etc. they are still buckeyes undergrads. It kinda amazes me, but the same mentalities that piss me off in today's undergrads are aparent in those of yesteryear.
This all came to a head today because I just had to fight through the mob scene that was le target. I prayed for a fire. and a riot. and mass hysteria. Instead, I almost got killed WHILE DRIVING in the parking lot by a giant fucking excursion who decided that stopping was too inconvient when all that was blocking her was a tiny yellow spec (me in my mini). I thank christ i was riding my bike or surely she would have thought that she had the right of way (which she fucking didnt!)

Ugh.....

As I often am, I'm a bit melancholy today.... Weekends are always especially bad for me. This one made me a bit sad because of the family reunion. Too many old relatives... too much fear that I could never see them again. Grandpa worries me. I know that he's old, but I can't accept it.

I have this seminar that meets for the first time this week, and truth be told, Im terrified. I'm so damn busy right now, i don't know how I'll handle it.

Ugh...... alright. back to patents. Oh. GO BROWNS!!!! (I may not get the chance to say that again this year)

shit

I just went to see The 11th Hour and mid-way thru the movie I started to cry a little. I'm such a fucking sissy. But you know why I started crying? Because we are all going to fucking die. And because people don't care. Do you think that the planet is just going to keep killing off people (like Katrina) until there are too few people to fuck up the environment any more? Maybe. On a happier note, the movie showed Oberlin and interviewed a prof. from there. that was pretty cool. Oh well, we're all dead, may as well drink my cares away.

...and the stunning conclusion

Last time on Blog-o-licious

"totally awesome profiles on the readers of this blog"
"totally embarasing stuff about my siblings."
"shocking truths from the secret lives of my readers."

now... today's episode

Profiles part II: the friends

4. name: Kevin (middle name unknown so I'll guess) Maximus Mansfield
title: God among men
alternate title: Gods gift to women
alternate alternate title: book slave
alternate alternate alternate title: Short stack
Place of birth: duunno--Bedford?
current residence: Bedfo' OH
eyes: brown (?)
hair: brown (that seems like a trend here)
likes: lo fi music, harry and the potters, agmfsfb, comics, felafal, chillin' with a little bit of illin', freaks and geeks, david lynch, long walks on the beach with himself
dislikes: borders, borders customers, david pildner (note the juxtoposition with david lynch. I rule).
quote: "you wouldn't like me when im Ang Lee... HOOOOO COUNT IT!!!!"

Know to his friends as "lord of the dance," Kevin is one of the kewlest cats in the world. Right now he's slumming with the of us plebians while he awaits his discovery, subsequent debut, and fame and fortune. Hopefully he'll remeber us little people on his meteoric rise to fame, followed by his catastrophic fall from glory in a drug and alcohol induced bender where he kills three children, two fish, and a beaver. Watch for him on VH1's I love the '07s and Behind the Music.

5. Name: Nooree (middle name unknown, so I'll guess) "I rule" Kim
title: coolest kid on the the block
place of birth: somewhere in Korea (?)
current residence: somewhere near columbus (?)
eyes: black
hair: raven black (not like Stephen's brown-black... real black here)
Likes: hanging out, watching Korean drama (what I imagine to be soap operas), spending time with her family, traveling, long walks from her car to the law school
Dislikes: things that suck, probably this list
quote: "your blog is really bitter"

The newest (and final) addition to our illustrious list of readers, Nooree is gearing up to be a high powered attorney, kicking ass and taking names one ass at a time. Catching our hero off guard by telling him that she acutally reads this drivel, she is a welcom addition to our cast of misfits, miscreants, and superstars. Welcome her, but watch out: burried under that calm and collected exterior, a tiger awaits to erupt at a moments notice. grrrr.

whew... i need to do some work now. i really enjoyed writing this.. i hope you all liked reading it. I miss being creative.

Holy crap in a hat; or, none of this would have been possible without...

So... I learned a wonderful thing today. Ready... excited?

I have a new reader to Blog-o-licious. And to think, I made fun of Kathryn for suggesting that someone else would waste his/her time my drivel/rants/whining/thought.... But, once long ago, I dropped the URL to this blog to my friend Nooree and apparently she reads occasionally. So, everyone say hello to Nooree....

When I started this blog, I was thinking about doing a quick mock-profile on my new reader both so that the rest of you knew who she was and to see if she was actually reading... but I realized that that wouldn't be nice... unless of course, i embarassed everyone else who reads Blog-o-licious as well... so here goes...

part 1: the family

1. name: Kathryn Elizabeth Wolfson
title: Golden child
place of birth: solon ohio
current residence: los angeles.
eyes: blue
hair: brown with lots of fake colors in it
Likes: sitting around, eating sandwiches that mom made, working out, david beckham, soccer players in general, star bloggs, clementines, crappy 19th century novels, long walks on the beach with guys named geoge
dislikes: california drivers
quote: "I'm Naaaaaaaapppppping!!!!"
Born a short 3 years after our hero (Stephen), her life growing up was quite a bit different than his. She went to a different high school, was athletic, wasn't particularly angsty, and was generally loved by all. Indeed, those things remain to this day. But don't underestimate her; this chick is one complex Kat (as her non-Wolfson friends call her). And sure as shit she'll cu tyou down where you stand if you piss her off. Rowr.


2. name: Andrew Joseph Wolfson
Title: the cute one (tho he would deny it... I've known many who would agree with this title)
place of birth: solon ohio
current residence: splits his time between chagrin falls, oh and meadville PA--but he's an Ohioian no matter what.
eyes: brown (he hides them behind glasses, tho)
hair: dark brown.
likes: gaming, YT breakfasts, crossword puzzles (tho, he would deny this... I know in his heart of hearts that he likes them), greek gods, video games, good music, good movies, this chicken recipe that mom has dubbed 'andrew's chicken', anime, Libby
dislikes: stupidity, bad music, bad movies, when stephen tries to force him to do things he doesn't want to do (sorry), school, probably this list
quote: 'Everytime you open your mouth you prove again how much of an idiot you are.'
alternate quote: "see you space cowboy"

Born 7 years after our hero, Andrew, the youngest wolfson, has serious potential to kick ass and take names (though he would deny that as well). Smart, funny, and cute, 2008 should prove to be a big year for Andrew as he is finally getting the hell out of college. Go forth and prosper, young man.

3. Stephen Manuel Wolfson (yes, i read my own blog. is that lame?)
title: the crazy, out-there one
place of birth: Chicago, IL (THAT'S RIGHT!!!!!! NOT OHIO!!!!!)
current residence: columbus, OH
eyes: blue-green (my driver's license says 'hazel' but I don't actually know what that means
hair: flowing dark brown (some say black) locks--sampson ain't got shit on me
likes: blogging, reading, movies, music, video games, YT breakfasts, biking, dreaming, long walks on the beach with guys named george
dislikes: law school, stupid people, christian contemporary music, country music
quote: i need to get out of ohio

On December 31,1978, 3 weeks before he was due, Stephen decided that he needed to be born in 1978 (screw that 1979 shit). So, despite a blizzard, and despite the debaucherous party that his parents were surely attending (not really), he said "mom, I'm comming out now, so get ready." since this singular fortuitous event, tho, his life has been one folly after the other, leading to today, where he is alone, lonely, and horribly unmotivated by life and school.

stop by tomorrow for the continued post... I need to do some gender law stufff

I'm mildly disturbed right now

You know that you are pathetic, and that you have no food in your house, when you are sitting in front of your computer screen, scraping the remaining dregs from a peanut butter jar with a spoon, and blogging about how pathetic it is. mmmmmm... nutrition

Hot Rod; or, "Holy shit! It's actually funny!

First, Jessica Biel officially needs to stop working out. She's hot and all, but she's getting just a little too buff. Tuff is cool. "I'm going to kick your fucking ass" is not.

So, I went to see Hot Rod yesterday, and I've officially been surprised 2 times this week by movies. I'm not saying that this was anywhere near Stardust, but it was pretty damn funny. I doubt it will stand up to multiple viewings like Dodgeball, but it was good enough.

The movie is sorta a parody of 80's cheez flicks. But "parody" is really not quite the right word. It more just IS an 80's cheez flick... but at the same time, it is aware of how inane it truly is. And therein lies its genius. (I love that phrase). Hot Rod consciously uses the conventions of those movies, grabs them, loves them, and makes them seem like they were intended to be jokes and somewhat seriously done at the same time.

Andy Samberg plays Rod, your standard "loser" character. He lives with his parents, challenges his step-father to fightes periodically (to "earn his respect"), and dreams of being a great stunt man like his father. Going further into the movie is probably pointless, as you can already guess everything that happens from the word go. But that's not a bad thing here. There is even an absolutely amazing homage to footloose that is worth seeing the movie for. Kathryn, you need to see this. You will wet your pants. I shit you not.

I've liked Andy Samberg now for about a year--after first seeing the Natalie Portman rap on SNL. Since, Dick in a box is quite simply one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Kevin, for some reason only know to him, doesn't find it as funny, but I'm laughing right now just thinking about it. And he does really good here because he is so fully committed to the movie. Its a little like my first comments about Anchorman. I didn't really like the movie at first, But I loved how into the characters and the idea of the movie everyone was. Here, the cast is so totally enjoying themselves and so playing up the stupidity of everything that it is awesome. (Did I mention that there is what can only be a Captain Planet reference in it).

Isla Fisher is in it as well. She plays the predictable girl-next-door-who-has-always-loved-our-her-but-now-is-dating-some-douche
but-comes-around-and-the-whole-time-you-think-to-yourself-
"why teh fuck is this nice girl with that asshole?" Well,the answer is because girls fall for assholes. I don't know why, but its fucking true. But that's for another post.

So, anyway, Hot Rod was really funny. Kathryn, see it.

Today, I'm pretending that school isn't happening. Tomorrow I have to start my readings. Today, no. Today, I'm reading some valis, maybe some of this Star Wars Novel I just bought. and finally, I'm going to the midnight release of Superbad. I have high hopes for that movie.

I really am a little conflicted about school starting. About the year in general. Im sad that I'll probably be leaving Columbus in a year's time. And I really do like it here. I'll love my coffee shop. I like riding my biek everywhere. I like Phil and Suzi and Sean and Andy.... Meanwhile, i'm totally unmotivated for school. Unmotivated isn't the right word. More like, annoyed. its like--offending--to me that I have to be in class with the law bull shit.

GRE is scheduled for oct 9. Oct 9. Tuesday of break. scared.

As you've undoubtedly noticed, I changed the template for my blog... Also, I added a preview feature. What do you guys think? I guess I'm out. GRE studying then some reading.

A brief thought or two

I've been thinking about self censorship again. I've written about it a few times in my various blogs, but it has come to mind one more time. I was speaking with someone yesterday, and I mentioned my blog's URL to her. And shortly thereafter, I realized that I have blogged about her, and maybe not in the most positive light. (No Kathryn, its not you... I only have kind, nice things to say about my favorite sister in the whole world). And I thought briefly about being careful about what I have to write here....about not mentioning names and stuff.... but then I said fuck that. My blog is my thoughts.... if you can't handle that go the fuck away... period.

So, I'm trying out some simple HTML for blogging that I've looked at. I hope it works. is this bold?

Oh, and I put in another pic of Claire Danes. This one is from Shopgirl. I really dug that movie... and, well, I like looking at her.

And is this a link to wikipedia ?

Stardust; or, why I'll never be truly happy

I saw Stardust last night and was quite pleased with it. Now, I'm a total sucker for all things swords and sorcery. And, I'm an even bigger sucker for all things Claire Danes. So, one could argue that I am a little biased toward liking this movie. And certainly that is a fair argument. But, I can't stand Michelle Pfieffer (unless, of course, its Batman Returns). And Robert DeNiro is pretty much hit-or-miss for me. And, I was pretty skeptical of the movie, 'cause, quite frankly, it looked like it was going to suck. But instead, I really liked it. But, at the same time, it made me melancholy, as I so often am.

The story was pretty simple story-book fare. Guy from the real world ventures out beyond the wall of his town "Wall" to find a magical world. While there, he impregnates someone who claims to be a trapped princess. 9 months or so later, a baby shows up at his doorstep. Say hello to our hero, Tristan. Tristan starts the movie totally infatuated with this total bitch named Victoria who ignores, uses, and generally messes with him.

One night while Tristan was trying to mac Victoria (aparently trying to get her drunk enough to get with him), they see a star fall. Hero-boy promisses that he will retrieve the star for his bitch-fantasy if she will marry him.

Meanwhile, there is this nasty king (played by Peter O'Toole) off in Magicland (or whatever it was called) who had set his sons on a quest to become the next king: the son who gets this magic jewel thing is the winner. Also, the sons like to kill each other to better their chances of being king. Fun stuff. Anyway, That jewel knocks the star out of the sky that Tristan and bitch see fall.

Meanwhile, a trio of witches see the star fall as well. Michelle Pfeiffer (head witch) sets out to find the star too because it will restore her beauty and youth...

So Tristan goes to get the star and finds Claire Danes. Of course, she is the fallen star. It takes him a bit to catch on, but he does and they set out to go back to Bitch. They have mad-cap adventures, fall for each other, Tristan pulls his head out of his ass and decides he like Claire Danes, and, after some fighting and magic and stuff, they live happily ever after.

Charlie Cox, who plays Tristan, doesnt really ease into his role until about 1/2 thru... but when he does, he's pretty good. Catwoman was annoying, as usual, but bareable. DeNiro was good enough... amusing even. Rickie Gervais has a little part. But, of course, it was Claire Danes that I loved. I can't help it.... there is something about the way she can look and smile that just melts me. She even put on a fishy brittish accent that wasn't too bad... normally brittish accents by american actors are real bad. But her's was good enough. And she had some well-written snarkey dialogue. But it was just her that I loved. Just Claire Danes being Claire Danes.

But this was the problem with the movie for me. I realized how much I loved the fantasy. And how much I dreamed of meeting some gorgeous Star Claire Danes and and falling in love and defeating evil and living happily ever after. I don't really care about the king stuff.... But that'd be nice too. Oh, I forgot to mention, the ending is a bit....spaceballs-ish. Anyway.... I realized that I'm a dreamer. I an a voyeur. That's why I love movies: so I can escape my boring ass real life for 2 hours. So I can pretend to be the 'normal' boy who unlocks his inner-self and finds his belle and all that jazz. But its just not real... its not true... its not me. My life is angst and worry and boredom. Not magic and mystery.

I also realize that as much as I love Claire Danes and would give up my life for her (my mental image of her, that is), I feel slightly betrayed. My love stems directly from My So-Called Life. That show was Muy Excellente and Angela Chase was my girl--she was how I felt in girl form. Awkward. Confused. Lonely yet not alone. All that good stuff. But Claire Danes now is none of that. She is accomplished, beautiful, loved... all the stuff I can't really identify with. And yes, I realize that I am making judgements based on false perceptions stemming from fictional characters.... but these are observations on my mental process. Now, the Claire Danes/Angela Chase that I loved is no longer the girl who was perfect for Stephen. Now, she is fantasy. And I watch voyeuristicallly. I watch and dream... but I am too much of a pessimist/realist to get too carried away. I know its not realy. I know its not my life.... and so I get sad because I will never be truely happy. I'm a dreamer. I like to dream. I like it. But its hard at times....

Well.... this is the first post in a while, and I think its a good one.... I hope someone reads it. but it doesnt really matter.

goji berries and peanutbutter.

So... nothing makes me quite as lonely as saturday nights at 9pm and working on stuff for the Huef. I'm trying to do some extra work this weekend so that I don't have to work much on the 4th, but its been tuff. I haven't really been getting any encouragement from my profs. They pretty much have been ignoring me for the past 2 weeks or so. I mean, I kn ow their busy, and they think I'm pretty autonomous (and I am...), but I need some feedback. whatever.

so, went to Whole Foods here in columbus. It was waaaaaay cooler than the one back in cleveland. adn by cooler.. I mean, fucking COLD!!!!! it was FREEEZING in there. the store it self was enormous. There was so much I wanted to buy. When I was haning out with Anne, she a trail mixy sorta mix of Goji berries, raw cacao, and acai berries. It ruled. SO i was looking for those ingredients, but to no avail... not completely true. I found the goji berries.. but they were a little more expensive than i wanted to spend right then. I figure I can always go back.

Behind me (i'm at stauf's) there is some sorta of street fair thing going on... or something. there is also this bike race that is going on this weekend. how I wish I could compete in it.... but, my knee has been hurting an extra amount recently. Im pretty scared that I've done some sort of major damage.. but dad doesn't seeem worried. whatever... Its not like I can do anything about it until the school year starts anyway... I'm not insured until then... soooooo... if there is somethign right in this world, I'll heal...

I'm going to try to see Sicko tomorrow. It looks really good.

I'm really lonely right now...

I... apparently.... did very well in my trademark class... I did not do very well in my intl joint ventures class... I dont think I understand anything about business... no instinct for those things... but, then again... I dont really care...

out.

confused, pretty much normal

So, yesterday I hung out with an old friend from high school. I see her about once a year or so and its always a nice time. I've had this soft spot ffor Anne ever since high school--for whatever reason. Not in like a sexual way. I've never been intersted in her in that way. But just in that way that I've always enjoyed her company. But since we parted ways, i've been sorta melancholy. I'm not sure why, but I can't seem to break out of this funk. hrm

so, tonight i have free tickets to this movie day watch. its the sequal to a movie called night watch that i never saw, but I know was fairly well received. so, i have hopes, but either way, its free...

i've been having that feeling like I want to run away again. I get this way every so often and can't really shake it. And Im like that right now. I just want to split and hide and not come back.

I'm also blidingly tired. I feel like its tuesday back at borders where I could sleepwalk thru the first 6 hours or so of my day. I miss tuesdays. honestly. I would work still work tuesday mornings if I could. Fridays were rad, of course, but tuesdays were cool because it was my day. whatever.

must try to work. so tired.

ugh

can't focus. can't keep eyes open. man was not made to go to sleep at 130 then wake up at 615... no no no... but i should have pics later today. i took some and will be posting today and/or tomorrow I hope. right now, im going to slam some caffeine or something. maybe crack.

holy fucking shit

I've drank like 900 cups of coffee today. I was offered a free French Presss all for my lonesome. And it was really fucking good. Now, Little caffeine molecules are running in side of me going "we're in your brain, fucking up your concentration." The only problem is that I'm supposed to go for a bike ride in a couple of hours and I'm going to be complete dehydrated. oh well, c'est la vie, I suppose.

silly statement of the day.

"I need some DeCaff." No one needs DeCaff... you only want DeCaff (for some reason that I don't understand). Saying that you 'need decaff' is like saying "man I'm fucked up on this non-alcoholic beer" or "damn I'm totally addicted to these nicotine free herbal cigarettes."

this post is brought to you from the onomatopoeia "sigh"

So. I wrote Lindsay an email yesterday and she wrote back. And it made me oddly mellancholy. Something she said about trying to watch Freaks and Geeks but getting sad because it reminded her of Kevin just made me a little sad. Borders was a strange place because the people I worked with were, almost to a man, awesome. And we had some really great times (I can hear Kevin reading the "every fucking friday evening" from my mind). but there were many.... many... many crappy parts. Actually, I suppose all the crappy parts boil down to 3 things: low pay, no respect, retarded policies/managers. that being said, I seriously doubt I will ever have that great a time with that many great people again. Sigh.... Ive been slightly weirded out recently by the fact that next year I will probably be moving away from Columbus. There is basically no way that OSU will accept me into their program. And what's odd about that is that finally, after 4 years living here, I'm starting to feel like there are things I like about Columbus. I mean, the fact that I have no family or friends here sucks.... but I love my coffee shop. I love riding my bike to most places I need to go. I like Grandview. I just wish that anyone who may be reading this could be here too.
Stauf's is really my kind of place because it is just a place to go and hang out. I hate sitting in my apartment. I ahve always hated just sitting in the house. Well, here I sit... i read... I work... all things I could do at home, but I just like being here. I feel much more comfortable here than in my apartment. I feel much more like this is a 'home' for me and my apartment is just a place a stay. I used to just hang out with my friends. we didnt really 'do' all that much; we just kinda sat around... maybe played some scrabble, shot the shit, drank coffee...
and then... all that vanished. now everyone needs to do something. they need an excuse to be out. they would rather be at home. I usually need more of an excuse to be at home (want to be with the family, drunk, wow).
That being said... one of my fucked up juxtopositions in life is that if not pushed (either by myself or by someone else) I won't break routine.... so, stauf's is my 'home' where i am comfortable hanging out... but then people suggest we do somethign out of the routine and my first reaction is 'ummmm... well.' I try, when i realize that I'm doing that, to do the opposite (george costanza style)... but its tuff.

Columbus does have that major down side of 'no friends here.' I have work buddies. i have people i know... but i dont have anyone that i'd really call 'friend.' sigh...
on that note... i find it interesting that I have several long distance friends right now... Kevin. Jason... Mike... Andrew... people I never see (or rarely)... but I talk to....
I used to think it was diffficult to maintain friendships when you never see people... but id say that my relationships with jason, kevin, and andrew are pretty damn strong... I wonder why that is?/???? Did I change from a hang out friend to a phone friend? hrmmm... (not that I talk to andrew all that much... but, because of my brief dabble in insanity... I can easily call him a better friend that i think most people with brothers that are 7 years their junior.)
My research is going less well than I had hoped at this point. Its just very slow and frustrating because I dont feel like I'm getting all that I can. Oh well... i think my profs are happy with it, so that's good.
I'm not sleeping much right now... i feel like calvin and trying to pack as much into every day as possible.
I've rambled quite a bit here... i actually need to do something constructive. taaaaa

This post is brought to you by the phrase: "new computer"

SO I actually think that this pic of Daniel Johnston came out really well. I like it. I suppose that, conventionally, it is blurry or whatever. But it was exactly what I was going for, actually. I like blurry. I dont like flashes. And I like that there are 3+ of him there.

The concert was a great time.... but I have to admit that the best part was seeing a bunch of people rather than seeing the music. I mean, Daniel was good. and crazy as always. But, in reality, the parts I like best were just talking to Kevin, Mike, Mike, Maggie, and Karen. Speaking of...



Karen is (apparently) a cafe worker who came around after I 'retired' from the big B. She seemed pretty cool. I love this picture of her and Mike. I mean, i wish that I had a more clear pic, so I could show what she actually looks like, but, at the same time, I love how this pic came out. Its like (as Kevin said) Karen is moving thru time.

speaking of Karen... what's up with meeting people named Karen all of a sudden. I mean, growing up, I didn't know anyone named Karen... now, I know more than several. where did they all come from? Why didn't I get the message?

So, this past weekend I was at home for mom's day. now i'm back, and sending emails to every state begging for info on election contests. we shall see how profitable it is. This weekend was pretty good, tho. Andrew donated me his old computer (you rock andrew) and thats a good thing, since my dell rarely turns on now. I went to that concert (I just wish it had been a bit longer). the only dissapointing this is that I keep meaning to read more of my books, but I just haven't been doing that. Oh well, that starts today. soooo, yeah... I'm off like a dirty shirt.