I go thru periods where I'm lonelier than others, and right now is one of those times. I'm not sure why... Technically, I'm rarely alone. But I also don't know a lot of people up here who aren't my family. Kevin's great, but I don't see him all that often. And I hang out with Zach and Margaret about once a week, but that still feels a little bit forced to me. And hanging out with their friends makes me feel a bit like a 5th wheel. But I think what it really boils down to is not wanting to be alone for my birthday. And I don't mean that I want to have some huge party and I don't mean that I necessarily want to go out somewhere fancy. What I want is for someone who wants to be with me.
Ok. so the truth is that my 30th birthday is shaping up to be very symbolic for me, as it is for many people. I'm deathly afraid that I'm going to be alone and lonely and a failure for the rest of my life. I really don't have much to show for the past 30 years beyond lots of depression and angst. I haven't done anything of worth. And I'm scared that I'm going to become one of those seemingly jobless directionless coffee shop guys that I see every day. I don't mean Phil. I love Phil and Phil has his thing, even if that's not the thing I want. I mean, there area few creapy guys who hang out around chagrin falls. I've known them, or known of them, for years. and they just kinda hang out at starbucks, and then make their ways over to borders, and then back to starbucks all day and every day. And I think it's probably because they have nothing else. And then i think, I've seen you here every day, which means that I've been here every day. And I have nothing else.
The problem with living in cleveland isn't my family. It isn't that I don't have many friends here. it's that I don't feel like I have a life of my own. I'm planning to blindly move to Oregon because I think that I just need to do something to get out there and do it. But it's a bad idea and I know it. Because in all likelihood, I won't find a job, I'll spend all my savings, and I'll be forced to move back home.
Today is a hard day. I'm really lonely right now. I was recently rejected from a job I really wanted and think i could have been good at. sure, its another on the pile, but man. I just don't get it. Why did I waste 3 years of my life. I was extremely unhappy and working all the time and not going out and not doing anything, and going more into myself and it was all because I thought that doing well in school mattered. But it doesn't. And i know the truth is that it's me. I really don't have any skills and law school didn't give me any. and the more time i spend not working the less likely it is that I'll find a job. The truth is, i'd be a terrible attorney anyway. and I'll never be a teacher. ugh.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Sunday, November 02, 2008
a day
Well, it's been 1 month since I last wrote here. I've felt a stunning lack of creativity recently and just haven't had the urge to write anything. That disturbs me a bit. I think I'm a creative person--my stupid mind concocts all sorts of stupid things all the time. But recently, I just haven't felt like doing anything but my work and ride my bike. That's all about to change, tho.
last weekend was quite simply on of the best weekends I've had in a long time. I went down to Columbus to see The Magnetic Fields in concert with Nooree. And it was, in every part, amazing. First, hanging out with Nooree is always great. If you're reading this, I really wish we had spent more time together when I was still living in Columbus, because you're great. She's great. She should totally move out to Oregon with me (hint hint.). And I dragged her with me to see the Magnetic Fields (!!!!). And she tells me that she liked the show. I mean, they were amazing, i think, but im totally biased. It just saddens me that Stephin Merritt doesnt really like playing live. Because I could see him once a week forever and it'd still be great. Their songs are so perfect live. They're the same, but different, so that they are fresh but familiar. Great. I had such an amazing time!
But, more important than just having a great time (which I DID), i came to an important realization while I was talking to her. we were talking about music, and i mentioned that I didn't go to see Lang Lang in concert when he was here with teh Cleveland Orchestra. I wish I had, but I'm sure i made up some lame excuse about being poor and not having the time and begin tired and not wanting to drive. And I realized while talking to her that I hate that I dont do anything. I've been wating for 30 years for something, anyting, to happen to me. and nothing ever has happened and nothing ever will happen. So, screw that. I'm a changed man. I've decided that I'm going to take control of my life. So, Im going to learn to play the ukulele, because I want to. And Im going to see shows when bands that sound interesting come into town, because I want to. and I'm moving to oregon because I want to. and im going to take dance and yoga lessons as soon as i decide where to do that. and im going to start writing again. Its going to be hard for me to actually follow thru at this, because Im so good at being a spoiled sport. but im going to try my hardest. I've often said that i'm sad because my whole time at oberlin is a black hole. I dont remember anything. and its because i wasnt making memories. it was a bad time, and ive cut that part of my brain out, apparently. and i hate that. so now, im making memories. Im going to shows. im going to plays. im learning the things i want to learn. that's the plan anyway.
anyway, after nooree and i parted company, i met up with sarah, which was cool. I wish we'd had more time to hang out, but she was busy. i understand.
then i met back up with nooree. this was my first test of my "just do it attitude" becuase I was nervous about going to hang out with Nooree, even tho it was for Aimee's birthday, and I know Aimee, I thought it would be overly weird for me to go to lunch with a bunch of people i didn't know. Well, i went, because a. I wanted to see Nooree, b. there were several other people there I wanted to see (Simon, Aimee, Jenn), and c. it felt uncomfortable, which means I should do it. and it was amazing. first, all these people, who I'd never met before, were great. I felt totally normal there and I felt very invited, even tho i was a sorta party crasher. And I had a great time. a great time. Life should be more about spending time with the people we like, than waiting for shit to happen, and worrying about the shit that is, or may happen.
then i sped back home to go to another concert with Zach. That was fun (even tho the concert was not really my kind of music) and finally i fell asleep on Zach's couch. all in all, a very long, and very awesome weekend.
and most importantly, my new attitude. just do it. like nike, but better. its going to be hard for me, but I need to. I need to.
on an unrelated note, I need to start up operation "get stephen a date for his birthday." i really really dont want to be alone for my birthday. so, if any of you lovely ladies who are reading this out there either want to spend the new years with a short, goofy portuguese guy, or know a lovely lady who would like to spend new years with a short, goofy portuguese guy, let me know. :) seriously. I really dont want to be alone. i'm not staying home. when 2335 hits, and i officially turn thirty, i will not be home. or if i am, i wont be alone here. actually, aaron invited me to philly... which is a definite possibility. but who knows.
holy shit, im turning thirty. mike turned 30 today. holy shit. holy shit. ugh. oregon is goign to be great. its going to be hard to be the new me, but im going to try. moving to oregon is the first step. i need to break away. i wish, of course, someoen would give me a job out there. but realistically speaking, no one is going to. so, just go. just do it. thank you, Nooree, for coming with me, and for dinner, and for inviting me out with you guys. and come to oregon. :)
last weekend was quite simply on of the best weekends I've had in a long time. I went down to Columbus to see The Magnetic Fields in concert with Nooree. And it was, in every part, amazing. First, hanging out with Nooree is always great. If you're reading this, I really wish we had spent more time together when I was still living in Columbus, because you're great. She's great. She should totally move out to Oregon with me (hint hint.). And I dragged her with me to see the Magnetic Fields (!!!!). And she tells me that she liked the show. I mean, they were amazing, i think, but im totally biased. It just saddens me that Stephin Merritt doesnt really like playing live. Because I could see him once a week forever and it'd still be great. Their songs are so perfect live. They're the same, but different, so that they are fresh but familiar. Great. I had such an amazing time!
But, more important than just having a great time (which I DID), i came to an important realization while I was talking to her. we were talking about music, and i mentioned that I didn't go to see Lang Lang in concert when he was here with teh Cleveland Orchestra. I wish I had, but I'm sure i made up some lame excuse about being poor and not having the time and begin tired and not wanting to drive. And I realized while talking to her that I hate that I dont do anything. I've been wating for 30 years for something, anyting, to happen to me. and nothing ever has happened and nothing ever will happen. So, screw that. I'm a changed man. I've decided that I'm going to take control of my life. So, Im going to learn to play the ukulele, because I want to. And Im going to see shows when bands that sound interesting come into town, because I want to. and I'm moving to oregon because I want to. and im going to take dance and yoga lessons as soon as i decide where to do that. and im going to start writing again. Its going to be hard for me to actually follow thru at this, because Im so good at being a spoiled sport. but im going to try my hardest. I've often said that i'm sad because my whole time at oberlin is a black hole. I dont remember anything. and its because i wasnt making memories. it was a bad time, and ive cut that part of my brain out, apparently. and i hate that. so now, im making memories. Im going to shows. im going to plays. im learning the things i want to learn. that's the plan anyway.
anyway, after nooree and i parted company, i met up with sarah, which was cool. I wish we'd had more time to hang out, but she was busy. i understand.
then i met back up with nooree. this was my first test of my "just do it attitude" becuase I was nervous about going to hang out with Nooree, even tho it was for Aimee's birthday, and I know Aimee, I thought it would be overly weird for me to go to lunch with a bunch of people i didn't know. Well, i went, because a. I wanted to see Nooree, b. there were several other people there I wanted to see (Simon, Aimee, Jenn), and c. it felt uncomfortable, which means I should do it. and it was amazing. first, all these people, who I'd never met before, were great. I felt totally normal there and I felt very invited, even tho i was a sorta party crasher. And I had a great time. a great time. Life should be more about spending time with the people we like, than waiting for shit to happen, and worrying about the shit that is, or may happen.
then i sped back home to go to another concert with Zach. That was fun (even tho the concert was not really my kind of music) and finally i fell asleep on Zach's couch. all in all, a very long, and very awesome weekend.
and most importantly, my new attitude. just do it. like nike, but better. its going to be hard for me, but I need to. I need to.
on an unrelated note, I need to start up operation "get stephen a date for his birthday." i really really dont want to be alone for my birthday. so, if any of you lovely ladies who are reading this out there either want to spend the new years with a short, goofy portuguese guy, or know a lovely lady who would like to spend new years with a short, goofy portuguese guy, let me know. :) seriously. I really dont want to be alone. i'm not staying home. when 2335 hits, and i officially turn thirty, i will not be home. or if i am, i wont be alone here. actually, aaron invited me to philly... which is a definite possibility. but who knows.
holy shit, im turning thirty. mike turned 30 today. holy shit. holy shit. ugh. oregon is goign to be great. its going to be hard to be the new me, but im going to try. moving to oregon is the first step. i need to break away. i wish, of course, someoen would give me a job out there. but realistically speaking, no one is going to. so, just go. just do it. thank you, Nooree, for coming with me, and for dinner, and for inviting me out with you guys. and come to oregon. :)
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