addendum

I just feel like life is passing me by as I mope around all sad and shit.... what the fuck? I don't even know what i want anymore.... did i ever know?

le weekend

So, I'm not realy sure what's wrong wtih me any more. I spent this weekend stressing out and being pissy... and did I even get done what I needed to get done? Of course not. Really, all I accomplished was to increase my stress levels and got pissier.
I'm at that point where I really want to run away from school, from life, from ohio, from everything. I really don't know what's up
On the plus side, I have been to the movies several times recently. Last weekend, Nooree was nice enough to go to Nightmare 3D with me (thanks Nooree, it was awesome of you) and this week, Sean and Suzi both were caught by my incessant nagging about how awesome it is. 'cause its awesome.
I really do think I'd be happy at that program at brown. But, It'd be super hard. I have no production background. No educational background. All I am is a crappy lawyer who won't admit it yet. I haven't told anyone yet, but I've been looking at doing an LLM next year and then maybe (maybe) working as an attorney after that. I could do IP! I don't hate it. Sure, I may hate myself for copping out, and hate my job, but I wouldn't hate the part where I actually started paying off my loans.
Its not like me to worry so much about loans. It didn't start realy until just the past couple of weeks. When I realized that I will be in debt forever. And the only work experience I have paid me just barely enough to live at home. I really dont want to be 30 and living with mom and dad and working some shit job, after going thru 3 years of mental hell. This whole school thing has been a terrible experience in almost every way possible--good god, please dont let that happen.
So, i'm lookiing at jobs teaching high school. It sounds pretty terrible. Actually, that's not fair.... it only sounds terrible because I'll have a JD. Normally, law school is what teachers do to escape teaching.... not the other way around.
Then, last night, I went out to Spagio's with Simon and Sarah.... Again, I'm not quite sure what's wrong with me. I've been whinning for so long that i have nothing to do and no one to do it with... and for the past 2 weeks I've actually dont things with people... yet, after I left last night, I was like really super alone...I went home and went to bed and all I really wanted to do was stay up all night and watch movies with someone...
That's the best part of winter vacation. Late nights watching shitty TV with Andrew.... Those days are at an end, i guess....
I want to grow up... why can't I? I don't understand why I cant let go of the past.. is that normal? I don't think so.... I don't know
Mike's been trying to encourage me to ask more women out... ok, that's not quite true... he's been trying to get me to ask anyone out... What's weird about this is that its very unmike.... Maybe he's lonely out there in Iowa, espeically now that he's single. I dunno. But its definately very unmike...I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. is it because we are both getting old? I've known mike now for i think 17 years. that's a scarey thought.
Kathryn told me I should try match.com. I don't think I'm that lonely yet.
And Gender is making me think about sad times.... about 'teh dark times' as I call them. Why can't I just let go of the past.
I need a dog. I miss Libby. I hope that whereever I go next year, I can take Yoshii. Oddly, tho, i'm lonely but i dont really want to be around people. Well, I would like maybe a family group hug. Kathryn, we miss you. I once read that we should hug more because it would be good for us as people. I'm kinda worried that my stress and that whole no-eating thing from a few years back are going to kill my heart way earlier than they should. So, maybe I need a hug.... Or just a libby. Either way, I'm thinking I'm shit out of luck.

new new plan

fuck it.

admittedly

yes... i'm being overly dramatic. fine... criticism accepted... i wish i wasn't such a drama king (?). such a sally.... but i look at my uncles and i think they gave up. mike was a musician. dan finally stopped practicing law.... i wish i could just give in...

new plan

Find something I don't hate and that pays me well enough to slowly pay my loans, buy a cd once a week, and own a dog. its time to stop pretending that i want to go to grad school. I don't have a 'passion' for poli sci.... I just think i'd enjoy teaching. i have a 'passion' for spending quality time on my bike, with my dog, with my family, playing video games... I just think i'd enjoy teaching. but I'll never get there so its time to be realistic. 100K debt scares me...... my seething hatred of the law is palpable. time to stop fucking around and to start growing up... apparetnly i've been wrong my whole life: growing up IS giving up. giving up your dreams. fuck

everyone say a super happy congrats to suzi and sean

So, I need to post this. Sean proposed to Suzi today!!!! yay!!! it was pretty awesome, I have to say. I'm excited for them...... awesomeness. They will officially be the second and 3rd people whom I know to get married. I think that's a bit odd. I'm 29... I've known a lot of people, yet of all those people, only Sara got married.... odd... but actually, fewer and fewer people I know are even dating right now... odd... Because, i mean, andrew and kathryn, we all come from a successful, happy family.. you think we'd be better at it then we are... ok, kathryn, i suppose its not your fault... but what the hell are we up to andrew?

i still can't figure out why I've been so lonely recently... its really kinda lame... its been bad.... hrmmmm... maybe I'll shake it off tomorrow...

tomorrow I'm going to see the Nightmare before Christmas in 3D!!!!! I tried to convince Nooree to go with me... and I think she may actually (come on, Nooree, you know you want to), but the truth is, I'm going either way... its awesome. and i needs me some clay animate morose humor musical... odd, normally i dont really care about seeing movies by myself, but whenever a 3D one come around I try to corral as many people as I can, and no one is ever interested. HOW CAN YOU NOT BE INTERESTED IN 3D!!!?!?!?!?!? IT RULES!!!

I had plans to write more in this blog, but I'm tired... and this post sucks. I think I'll just stop, i guess. i do like the picture for today, tho.

ugh... saturday

So, I'm fed up. This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone reading, of course.....and so its probably a little redundant to mention it, but I just can't seem to perk myself up. I've been working at a murderous clip and right now, i just can't seem to force myself to do anything. I've got so much work to do that I can't do anything. It's a shite state of affairs. I really want to go home. I want to hang out with mom and dad and andrew and then the family tomorrow, but I know that if I leave, i will absolutly get nothing done. As it stands right now, I may still be able to eek out some work... just not this second. But if I leave, its done... it will just be staying up late and watching tv with andrew and not doing my application, and not outlining, and not working on journal.

Oh, Journal. I hate journal. I spent approximately 40+ over the past week on one article. Its been insane.... I can't continue with this... I need to do the things I actually need to do, not this bullshit. I feel bad because a bit bitchy to Erin earlier, but i just can't take it... I'm ready to snap.
Oh, and I asked that girl out.... well, truth be told, I sent her an email asking if she wanted to go out to dinner.... and no response... at all... not even a 'go to hell, fucker' or a 'with you? ick!' So I think that the silence is actually really bad, at least for me. As I said the other day, I would prefer brutal honesty... But I just don't get women. I don't. non scio. wakarimasen. i don't know. That whole thing would be a lot easier if one of two things were true: 1. people were super open/honest about it.... and it was socially 'ok' to be that open. 2. we all had thought bubbles that popped over our heads that revealed out inner workings, comic style. But no... neither is going to happen any time soon.... I'm not really that torn up about the whole girl thing-to be honest, i'm no fun right now and I barely have time to sleep any more-but it unfortunately just fits in with how everything has been for me recently. In a word: frustrating....

This really has been a terrible semester for me emotionally. I'm trying to shake it off, but i can't. So I've been spending money in some vein attempt to cheer myself up (a habit of mine) and its just not working, so I spend more money, and it doesn't work, then I get depressed about how much money i've spent... ugh.

Two positive notes: first, I went to whole foods to try their pizza the other day. and it was fan fucking tastic. I got the vegan one-balsamic roasted portabellos (which normally I dont care for so much) and garlic.... the sauce was nice and salty, the mushrooms were perfectly done, and the garlic was super tasty (normally I dont like too much garlic). Next time I remember, I'll take a picture. second, Suzi, Sean, and I all have tenative plans to see the Nightmare before Christmas in 3D next week. I saw it last year, and it ruled. so, if I can make it till then without combusting or somethign, and if they are still up for it. that should be awesome. Actually, i'l go by myself even if they don't want to go. Its sweet.

ugh... ok, enough fuckign around. back to work.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

Now she's trashing him for being trashy and stupid and she's like a model fucking citizen and how much better she is than him and how much better HE IS NOW because they are dating. I hate her. I hate her with all my heart and soul. I'm trying to kill her with my mind right now. SCAN SCAN SCAN SCAN SCAN SCAN SCAN SCAN !!!! Holy goddamn!

i fucking hate people

SO I'm sitting here at Stauf's listening to a couple have a fight. Some young couple...no older than mid 20s... and one of her complaints is that she has female friends on face book and he doesn't list her as his main squeeze on face book, but he is only 'in a relationship.' She seems to have 5 male friends on facebook and that is a problem for him. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!? GROW THE FUCK UP!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!! IT'S FUCKING FACEBOOK!!!! This is the single most retarded thing I've ever listening to. And, she's wearing a Harvard sweatshirt. Goodgod I hope she didn't go to Harvard, or I am truly stupid because I have to be smarter than her, and I couldnt' get into harvard.... so maybe im not smarter than her... maybe I'm actually more retarded... holy fuck! I need them to die right now.

...because I don't quite feel like going to bed

I have nothing to write really... nice evening... didn't get nearly as much done as I should have, but perhaps that's why it was nice.... more than perhaps, methinks... Oh, and I'm pretty sure that I struck out swinging... I was really hoping for a foul tip or something to keep the at-bat alive, but it doesn't look like it. And there's no coaches challenge in this game... oh well..... I don't feel really bothered right now... I hope things stay that way... I think they will, at least until school starts up again. I will say, I feel a bit like Jason right now.. He was a bit prophetic... This is all probably very confusing to anyone reading this but me, but I don't feel like going into it.

tomorrow... party... fun fun... 80s night... stephen is bad dancer... he's no tiny dancer, that's fo' damn sure.... :)

patents and gender tomorrow... needs to get done-zor... done-sauce... basically, i just need to learn them... good luck me... good night mooon.

chilly (with a y)

So, its cold today. Cold in a good way, tho... the past few days in the high 80s-90s was just wrong. I shouldn't turn on the A/C in October. However, I unfortunately did not prepare for just how chilly it would be today. And I'm not dressed for the weather. So I'm a bit cold.

Yesterday I took the GRE... felt ok... not stellar. Not too bad. just fine.

Also, went to dinner... sadly alone. I tried get someone to go with me, but that didn't work out. Oh well, I wasn't really expecting anything.

And saw The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters. Its this documentary about the greatest Donkey Kong player in the world ever and a challenge to his throne.

It was awesome. I'll do a proper write up when I get the chance. Right now I'm just checking in while I decide what my next move is as far as studying goes. I've got so much to do, I'm not quite sure what I want to do next. ugh...

Journal is really killing me a bit. I can't believe how much work it is. I just put about 30+ hours in to one article and now I've learned that there is a new verison of the article, possiblly screwing up a lot of the work that's already been done. I'm so frustrated I could scream. I can't even decide what to do. I need to focus on school--journal has to be secondary. sorry journal. sorry Erin.. fuck you prof. swire. If I could quickly draw up an ascii middle finger, i would.

ugh... i feel tired all of a sudden... oh well, back to work, i guess. Maybe whole foods pizza for dinner? maybe that will make me feel better. Its Frank's birthday, and he invited me out with him and his friends, but I just dont think I can. ugh... I really need this year to calm down and give me a chance to catch up.

an odd thought

Still on the dating thing (it's been on my mind, what can I say)... I'm sitting right next to some couple who is clearly on a first date.... perhaps a blind date even. Perhaps even met on the internet. And few things make me want to date less than this... I can't handle how annoying the 'getting to know you' phase it... goddamn... that's why its so much better to actually know the person you are dating... And at the same time, maybe that means that its better to date now rather than later... because, well, these people are pathetic.... ugh..... I hope it works out for them... but like an interview, I'm personally of the opinion that you should be much more honest. "look, this isn't going to work out... I'm happy to have coffee with you, but lets be honest with ourselves and just go separate ways after tonght." It would work so well in teh interview world and in the dating world.... brutal honesty... sure, it'll suck up front, but down the road, i'm telling you, its way better.

sunday sunday sunday... we'll sell you the whole seat, but you'll only need, THE EDGE!!!!!!!

So, its time for the NEW READER update.... While she hasn't posted a comment yet to alert you all of her existence, she is a reader and thus deserves HER VERY OWN PROFILE, written by none other than yours truly

Name: Susan 'Suzi' (middle name unknown, so I'll guess) Elizabeth Schmidt
Title: Doctor-Doctor
Alternate title: D2R2
place of birth: unknown--guess: some suburb of columbus
current residence: C-bus, baby!!!!
eyes: brown (?)
hair: brown (do i know anyone who doesnt have brown hair?)
likes: fighting cancer, the buckeyes, Chiplote, felafel, dirty gurrlscouts (YEAH!!! who doesn't love a good dirty girl scout), pear sorbet Sean (her hammer tossin'/rock climbin'/chocolate lovin' man).
dislikes: ice cream with chunks, bagels with seeds, Michigan, when stephen is overly wussy, when stauf's is overly busy, Bo Yu, people who are high on themselves.
quote: "I'm just pretending to not listen (here with my headphones on), but in reality, I'm totally paying attention and waiting to throw in a burning zinger... tee hee"

Meeting our hero in his favorite hang out earlier this year, Suzi and Stephen soon became 'those people who sit in the same spots every day which happen to be right next to each other.' Something of a Stauf's Satler and Waldorf. But times are a'chanin' a bit. the second half of 2008 is a bit of a change of pace for this dual degree student. For the past two years, she's been in medical doctor school, but she has officially begun her 'more normal' life as a philosopher doctor student. After kicking some super tuff medical test-thing, she's now fully dedicated to looking thru microscopes for the next 4 years or so....... Smart, funny, and fun, the world is her oyster (I don't understand that phrase, but I'm goign to use it anyway).... and on top of everything, she dates a guy (Sean) who is really cool in his own right... yupppp, except for the excessive amounts of work, everything seems groovy on the Suzi front. And now she has joined our illustrious ranks (which is easily is the best resume filler that anyone can have)... (oh...and because I'm evil) there is a least one picture of her on the internet that is pretty easy to find (and not on facebook or something).

A quick note for Suzi... the other day Suzi took some time to 'encourage' me to grow some ballz and ask this girl out..... and she also encouraged everyone else in stauf's at the time to help 'encourage' me.... and I think she was worried that she offended me... But she should know that I realize that i'm a big sissy. And maybe one day I'll be man enough to actually ask... but right now. well, i'm a sissy...

actually, i said this to Phil the other day, and its an excuse, but I think its sadly true. I've been so busy recently that I dont have the time or energy to deal with 'dating.' A 'date' for me would be like 'hey baby, lets go sit in a coffee shop and read!' That's hot. oooooo..... I would especially have a hard time dating someone who didnt understand my insanity and who didn't understand the pressures that school/law school can put on you (me). And, one thing I didn't say to phil, is that I always get a little more scared when I'm feeling a little bit more lonely, because I don't want to go thru that whole dependency thing again... that hurt... and, the last long term relationship i was in I basically got into because I was lonely. And I made a lot of bad decisions becasue of that... I was blind to reality... and it really hurt in the end. guh.... anyhoo... i'm outtie.

Stephen: Rockin' the sexy calves since 1999!; or, that which does not kill us only makes us weakened for the next attack

My seat is taken and hence I can't focus. Its a little odd, but I need to be in my spot to do work.... Actually, I'm probably going to have to avoid Stauf's a little more than normal simply because of the unbelievable amounts of work I have to do. Under normal circumstances, I do a lot of work at Stauf's, but, as Martin Lawrence once remarked "shit just got real..." and I think I may have to lock myself in the journal office from now until december.

Tuesday is my GRE date. I wish I felt more ready than I do. But well, the math is just frustrating for me. That's it. frustrating. and takes too long for a time pressured exam. Then, shortly after the test, I need to finish up some applications. I basically am giving myself 2 weeks to get them done. I can't take any longer than that or they will just get in the way of my school.

I've been in a funk today. Which is sorta odd. Last night was really nice: went out for dinner with Suzi and Sean and then came back to the staufice and did a little work and then watched crappy music videos with some peeps here. But I work up annoyed, tired, and depressed..... oh well.... and being told that my life is pretty good doesnt really help. I mean, that's fine.. I accept that objectively speaking, things are pretty good for me... except for that whole school/life thing. But The truth is, when it comes to depression, objective truth about your life doesnt really matter. All that matters is your subjective perception of your situation. And I just can't help but feel old and aloof. I just do. I know I'm not old, but I'm not at all where I "envisioned" myself being at any stage of my life. I can't say with certainty where I imagined my life heading, but it certainly wasn't alone and lonely sitting in a coffee shop blogging about being depressed. That was definitely not in the book. But I have a feeling that we've gone off script. And the director (me) has lost all control over the actors (also me.. but a crappier part of me). Like George Lucas, I want to go back and issue a new and improved special edition of my life and pretend that the old one doesnt xist, or at least, its not canon: now Stephen doesn't lose his mind, now he just takes a path and walks it, now he doesnt fuck up his body time and time again, this time Johnny Depp plays Stephen and he's way more suave. Alright, I know that I whine and complain, and its all because I just can't wrap my mind around my own life. I suppose this is a common thing: you can see the path for others, but not the one in front of you. My eyes are damned to the truth.


I've remarked on this before, but I'm going to say it again: I used to be much better at being alone than I am now. Now, for some reason, the extreme loneliness of my apartment just kills me. It shouldn't be that way... I don't get it. Maybe its because I feel old. Maybe its because there was a time when I always had people to hang out with and being alone was mor eof a choice. But ugh...

I've also decided that I dont' understand what I'm doing thinking about getting a PhD and going to law school and all that jazz.... Is it for me? Do I actually want to do it? Or is it to achieve some nebulous conception of 'worth' that I dont' feel like I've lived up to? I should just work a job and play video games and read books and one day die... because what I'm doing right now is only a lot of stress and annoyance.. and lets be honest, life should be about maximizing the times that you feel happy and minimizing the times that you feel sad. I wish I were more tao. I wish I were an artist. I wish my major talents weren't brooding and bitterness. I wish I could be more positive.

I just realized something. And epiphany. Marta used to really hate the part of me that needs answers. That craves the ability to logic out a situation. Things that don't intuitively 'make sense' to me are almost painful to me. Which is a real problem because life doesn't make sense. I guess Marta had it right all along... Unfortunately, now I'm more moody and I STILL hate it when things don't make sense.

The end of my days with long hair is nigh. I really want to donate it. If I have to wait to cut it off, I will... but I'm hoping that a salon will tell me that I can just take it down to the scalp...

So, on a positive note, I have a new reader, I think. You know I love my readers (all 6 of you). Everyone welcome Suzi and expect a profile of her tomorrow (or today, if I can't seem to do work).