further musings

I've been thinking about myself alot recently. I suppose I do that often, but hey... that's what I do. And so recently I've been thinking about where i am and who I am at this point in my life.

Cleaning up my apartment today made me think today about possessions. I've decided that I want to have less possessions rather than more. I really don't own very much...I have almost no furniture, but it is still hard to collect everything, pack everything, and move everything. And it makes me not want to move. Ever. and that saddens me. It's no secret to anyone who knows me that I'm disappointed that I've never really traveled or lived anywhere other than Ohio. It's not that I have anything wrong with Ohio, really, its that I feel like I need to be out. I feel sheltered. I feel inexperienced. I feel like there is so much that I need to see...that i need to learn, and I just haven't been able to yet. But there are so many things that tie us down to one place. Possessions are at the top of the list. I don't want to move, because I don't want to haul my bed across the world. I don't want to abandon my computer. I love my movies. What's more, my current profession (or, not really) ties you down to one place. You take the bar somewhere and you stay there, unless you are willing to take it again... and why woudl any one do that. Besides, you're building your future at whatever firm you're at. Do youreally want to give up the partnership track? Now, I get that. security is nice. a real, professional life is nice. and sure, if i had a real job, i may feel differently...but i still hate that your work and your possessions tie you down to one place. as far as im concerned, the only thing good enough to tie you down to one place is family.

speaking of family, it was my grandparent's 60th anniversary this weekend. And once again, I got very melancholy about age. Not only do i feel old myself, but I looked at my family and just got very scared. Where did the time go? Where has my life gone? Time is cruel. Life is cruel. my mind is cruel.

I feel like I'm always waiting for things to happen. I say that a lot, but its always true. I have such trouble acting on things that I want.... i get performance anxiety... fear of failure. whatever.

I've also felt very lonely recently. I go thru these phases where I'll feel lonely and then I don't and then I do. well, right now, I feel pretty lonely. I have friends, but I don't spend enough time with the people i really like. Take, for example, Phil and Andy. I like them both, but on relatively superficial levels. when I leave Ohio, I'll think of them, but in a curious sort of way, rather than a sad sort of way. Like people you graduated high school with, and hung out with from time to time, but didn't really see much until your reunion. Contrast that with someone like Sara or Marta... old friends, lost thru time, still acquaintances, but still friends from another life. Bob Baskette...

I really should just move. I should start a new life somewhere. But I'm so scared... I'm scared of failing. so scared. crippled with fear. scared of leaving the friends i have here. scared of not making new ones.

When I was in high school, i ran with a very tight group. I'd say that we all geniunly cared about each other. Zack used to say we were a family... I think that was true...for about 4 years. Sadly, there was a schism... and the family is gone now. And i think I came out worst in the split. Because I relied on having that family. Sara has Joe. Marta has had several people, now Nigel. Zach has Margaret. Lowell has his life... Adam has his. me.. I feel like I life ended for me. and I haven't recovered. it sounds lame to say that I'm still affected by things that happened 5 years ago... but i can't help it. I feel like if I died in my apartment, no one who isn't my blood family would even think to check on me.

i've also had trouble getting used to how people as we get older don't like to just hang out together. again, back in the old life, we would just get together, drink coffee. read, chat, watch tv, whatever. Now, everything has to revolve around an activity. thing is, i think the most important times with friends are those times just hanging out. just sitting, chatting, reading, watching tv...whatever.

what's wrong with me? I've been really depressed, i've been lonely, I've been harboring a crush like a 15-year old girl. I've been totally unfocused. i've been tired. sigh.

any of you who are reading this... i apologize for being so down. I don't know what's wrong with me. and you all are people who i care for greatly... and I apologize if i just run away someday. And I apologize for the boringness of this post.