blah.... back to school soon

Icky. tomorrow school starts up again. And only 4 weeks until its all over. I'm done 4-30. that's craziness. I've never been out of school in april. craziness. Any way, things here are gorgeous. Insanely nice out. I've done some good work today.... I've been trying to prepare for the end of the year. And evidence is comming along decently. Time to start working on TMs, I guess. Any way... this break was highly unentertaining. i've basically worked every day as if I actually had school. I had this take home exam to do. and i did it. and im highly scared that it sucks. I dont know anything about business stuff... oh well... I did see 3 movies last week. Inland Empire (can't wait to see it again), TMNT (fun fun stuff) and the host (that's like my 3rd Korean flick. I need more.) but way too much work
And spent money. Dell basically tells me that my 'puter is fucked and I need to do somethign very costly to fix it... that's obnoxious. how about, dell, you just build a decent computer from the get go.... why does it have to suck so much?
I only have part time work over the summer, so I'm going to apply to borders and see if they'll give me a few more hours. that may actually be fun... but damn, so many expenses over the summer
totally fed up with law school... beyond fed up

Every time I think I'm over my thing for Karen, it creeps up again. I was talking to her yesterday, and my stupid stomach was all a flutter.... what the fuck? Usually I'm so much better at casting off crushes.... but, aparently not this one. I chalk it up to being lonely
I'm starting to worry about myself more. i haven't been this continually depressed since I was at oberlin. the bad times. no, mind you, im not nearly as depressed as I was back then (read: not crying every day), but I basically down a lot. ugh... just lonely. And, i've caught myself doing something that I used to do.... saying things in my head, but not actually SAYING them..... I always thought that was fucked up... ugh....
any way... I know the problem. I want my own life. I feel like my life is still my parent's life. I have never divorced myself from home. I still call home home.... my aparentment is my room, usually... I dont know.....I'm just lonely
Ive been thinking about shaving my head recently. it might happen. not now, but some time.

there's really something I love about the tag function in blogger

I feel like I'm always waiting for something to happen. I feel like I'm always living inside my own head... I feel... i dont know.

Today's pic is outside of my apartment at like 730am. when I woke up, the sun looked totally rad (and red) so I tried to take a pic... oddly, that is not how I thought it looked when I was taking the pic... but I looks cool any way. of course, didn't have my glasses on... so that could have had somethign to do with it.

god I hope I get into grad school..... god please...

Is it me???

I ran this theory by Jason, and he seemed to like it... so I'm going to propose it to the internet world. I have always considered my self an acquired taste--and its something I like about myself. Like beer or coffee, you may not like me the first time you try me. In fact, you may not like me the second time you try me. And diluted-me (read: coffee with milk and sugar or lite beer) is for sissies and you dont get the true me. But, with time, many people actually like the slightly intoxicating nature of me, and get used to me. Unfortunately, like many things that rock, too much of me and you can get sick. you need to build up your immunity to me, like iocane powder. Any way, what does any of this have to do with duckies? Well... here's the thing... I think that this acquired taste-ness of me (and Jason, and indeed most of the people I actually call friends) makes finding a girl really difficult. we are a bit hamstrung. because, what happens is that the girl doesnt want to go out with me right away... then, over time she realizes that she likes Stephen quite a bit... but, by that time, i've become...... A DUCKIE!!!! yup... "just a friend." "That kookie friend with the awesome fashion sense." The guy who totally gets fucked up the ass at the end of pretty in pink. As jason said, he had to settle for some other chick. Duckie wanted Andie. He DESERVED Andie. Rumor has it that if he had been played by Robert Downie Jr. he would have gotten Andie. Instead, he had to settle. What the fuck is up with that?

Any way... why all this... well... being a natural Duckie is both rewarding and frustrating. First, being an original... a unique person... an individual... is something I value more than almost anything. You can see that from those people I call "friend" (and not work/school buddy). And you can see why some people Iknow frustrate me so much... because they are happy being sheep... but I think the hazzard of being what I am--what we are--is this problem in the love department. We either become Duckies, or they dont like us, or they die from too much exposure (iocane powder is quite deadly).

I think these things have something to do with why, whenever I try to get someone to like me, it just doesnt work. its because, like coffee, or beer, or iocane powder, people have to try me willingly... and push thru the initial shock..... to get the alcohol/caffiene goodness

sigh... john hughes fucked all us duckies out there..... he should have had him get andie at the end of that movie... then, maybe i'd have more hope... maybe.

perhaps the trick is to find the female equivalent of duckie. is there one? I dont think annie potts counts.... not really anyway.

im not going to change any time soon. hell, its part of the reason i can never be an attorney... I cant settle... I just wont do it. Im not capable of giving up my free thoughts and conforming. I dont want to. Id rather die. maybe im being childish... but that's only because everyone else gives up and settles... I think that's dumb... not 'adult' or some shit like that....

any way... very tired... did much work today.... must go to bed

sigh

So, I obviously didnt take this pic. But I've had Sarah Silverman on the brain recently, so I figured i'd post a pic of her... She's so cute. And there is something that is so hot about a girl with as dirty a mouth as her. It ramps her hottness up just another level.
Any way, things are a little stinky here. I feel really bad because I went off on my mom today about my unhappy I am. I'm really goign to try not to call her to complain anymore. I so dont want my mom to be the person I turn to for support any more. But I just got pissed off and depressed and frustrated, so I called my. ugh. Any way... It's hard to explain, but I'm sick and tired of how lawyers think. I'm taking this class on friday saturday and sunday and I picked up the syllabus. And in it it "expressly prohibits" us from reading a few cases. It threatens us with failing and (for an honor code violation) it could difficult to get barred and in fact you could be booted out of the school. All if you were to decide to do extra work. for greater understanding. fuck law school. I can't believe they threaten you to prevent you from doing extra learning outside of class. fuckers. GAAAAHHHH!!! why threaten. I'd feel better if it just said "dont' read it. We will discuss the theories of the case in class. But I don't want you to read it before hand, because I want you to come to the answers yourself." But it didnt say that. Instead, it threatened me with expulsion. that mother fucker.
not a day goes by where i dont think about dropping out of law school

Im so frustrated. i just pray that I actually get into a grad program. Because if i dont, im fucked. because I wont be a lawyer and I wont be a student... so i'll just be a failure. fuck.
alright...... this was a bad post
im just lonely. ive been pretty much depressed and lonely for the past 3 weeks straight. even with other people, ive still been lonely. people around here.... i just don feel any sort of connection to. its not columbus. its not cbus' fault. but i dont really think its my fault either. I dont know....
im stopping. this was not a fun post. sorry

And I resume the struggle

Once again... not much to say today. Its spring forward today... teh worst day of the year. Is there anything worse than spring forward? They rob me of an hour. That was my hour. who are they to take it away from me? Any way, i'm here, at Stauf's, and trying to work on evidence. Its been going.... not great... but going. as always, im pretty distracted. so it goes. But I did take a pic....I just wish the shadow was more distinctive. That's what I was going for. oh well... what is special abou tthis book is that it waas my mom's.... back when she was still called "pereira." I know this because she signed her name in it.... that's pretty freaking awesome. But yeah..... not a whole lots been going on. I've really been needing break recently. I need to not be working on this bull shit. im burnt the fuck out. ugh.... any way... not much to say... i really just wanted to post the pic....

There's man all over for you, blaming on his boots the faults of his feet.

pathetic-ness

Actually, maybe pathetic-ness is not the best word for it. More like just a brief update. I'm still at Stauff's... as you probably should know by now. And I was talking to Jay (a guy who hangs out here) and Karen walked in... and yes... crush has left me. The actual reason I'm posting this is that if you check my post from last Saturday, this is almost exactly, down to the minute, one week later. sigh.... interesting. I wish it were prettier out... id go and take pictures. I wish that I had the time too. I wish I owned WoW. Must.... Not.... Cave.... Stay.... Strong!!! SPARTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I may post again later. Back to TMs.

this pic is a little bit old too. but I'm really happy how it came out. no flash, as always, propped on a table, fucked up my hair to look as moody as possible. I love my digicam.

not much to say when you're high above the mucky muck

SPARTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry... just had to get that out of the way. Went to see 300 last night. Pretty damn sweet. I mean, sure, you could drive a mack truck thru the holes in the story, but that's not the point. Anyone who knocks the movie for that deserves to be shot. because 300 is all about sweet action sequences. And hot chicks. And in that, it delivered.
We lost in the Colley Competition last night: this "trial skills competiton. We went up against like one of the better teams out there... soooo... and I dont really care abou twinning... sooo..... oh well. It was all together more fun than I thought it would be. any way... but we lost. which is good, because not I get to do work the rest of the weekend. of course, not right now... but soon...
I woke up this morning and there was the definate feel of spring. The air was heavy with rain that hadn't yet fallen. I think that's kinda cool: when you can feel the rain comming. Even if you were blind, you could tell.
Ugh... Im tired. I ate dinner last night at about 12midnight. Its going to be a hard fight to work today. I am very unmotivated. such a long day yesterday. we were in trail from about 430-730. ugh.
Today's pic is a sunset pic taken out of the back of my building. It came out ok. Its kinda an expirament. I think I'll post more later. maybe I'll take some pics while at Stauff's (where I am now, of course.). ok. to work

(Insert clever title here--perhaps one with a song lyric)

So the picture today is a little bit old. Actually, its a lot a bit old... almost exactly a year.... but its one of my all time favorites. I screwed around with Picasa to get it just right... and I just totally love it. I would have posted something new, but I have a lack of anything good. Cbus is not nearly as pretty as Allegheny. I know that is misspelled, but I dont really care.

Any way, today was a lot of work... I feel like cashing in my chips... I feel like says "you've beat me, law school.... i give." sigh...

Any way, I'm just lonely. I don't know why. It comes in waves. I go an entire weeked not feeling lonely, then a few days of school, and its back.

Whats a little odd is that i'm not at all depressed about the whole Karen thing. I mean, would I be happier if she had been more interested in me? Sure... but I really thought that I'd be waaaaay more sad about it. I can't figure it out.. ... part of me thinks that its because it was so liberating to actually ask someone out that my brain basically sees it as a mini-victory. A victory over my own stupidity, sure, but a victory nonetheless. Then, the other part of me thinks that that is maybe bullshit and the reason Im not depressed is because I assumed that she'd say no, and so when she did, I wasnt crushed.... that maybe it. eh... i dont really know. I will say to all you lonely guys out there... asking is officially better than not asking. and yes, i fully realize that im the only person reading this, but hey... that's okay too.....

Sigh, I dunno.... maybe I just need break. Maybe I shouldnt be depriving myself of wow. Maybe I should just run away. who knows?

I thought briefly about going to see the on-campus head shrink. Im not going to go... but...... I think I just want a friend who I can tell like important thoughts too. Guys dont always share feelings really well.... the people are law school are the equivalent of 'work buddies.' I think that's the only reason I want to date someone again.

there are 2 especially nice parts of dating (not including the whole sex aspect)... 1. having someone who cares if you wake up tomorrow morning. Sure, if I died, people would care... but I could lay dead in my bed for days before anyone would check on me. I remember when I was sick my senior year and marta came to visit me. That was nice.

2. someone to tell my concerns to who is not mom. Im sick of having mom as the person who is my counselor. I should have some sort of life of my own. I think that's why I talk about moving away all the time. I have some sort of blind belief that if I just go, there will be a life out there for me. but I know I'm deluding myself.

Allrighty.... this blog has been quite depressing. Im calling it here.... I'm only writing at this point because I dont want to do school work and I dont want to go to bed.

FUCK!!!! Im just feeling old and out of place....

Sigh.... Sunday... I am my own muse

Is it odd that most of the pictures I take are of me? I think its weird considering that I generally have a low self esteem. So, its not like, "i'm so hot, I need to take pictures of my hotness." It's more like, I dont have much to take pictures of, so, well, its me. I've had trouble really focusing today. Better than yesterday, but not great. Hence the reason I'm writing this. I went to see Zodiac yesterday. I really liked it. Great performances all around. Compelling story. Creepy. And of course, there is my little crush on Jakie-poo. He's dreamy. Any way, some writers have been complaining that it is too long and that there are too many plot lines. But I think that all the plot lilnes were exactly what was needed. You needed to tell the whole story. Not a chunk. It wouldnt have been nearly as compelling, as obsessive, as interesting if you only got the story from one point of view. Instead, the way it was put you right in the middle of the story/investigation. Really good. And it has renewed my faith in David Fincher after the debacle that was Panic Room. soooooooo..... yeah....
Anyhoo... as normal, I'm still obsessed with WoW. Andrew's last post isnt really helping. I must purge the demons. Oh.. I'm buying RAM for the 'puter to prepare for my WoW-stravaganza.... ugh... tummy rumbly. Need coffee

totally hopped up on goofballz

So, its kinda amazing what a couple cups of liquid caffien plus asking a girl out can do for your adreline levels. Yup, for the first time in my life, I quite litteraly asked a girl out right out of the bloo... (not blue... mind you... bloo). Any way, I kinda got shot down. sorta. it was like a half shot down, so I dont feel that bad. Actually, I feel quite good about it. Basically beacsue I've never done it before. So, funny. whatever. but what it does mean is that my fingers are trembling and i'm typing at about 900 words per minute (or, maybe 1000 BPM, if you're beck). Sadly, however, it means that my mind is racing as well. And that is not great for trying to do work. Because I'm trying to write, but its all comming out in spits and ferts. or is that fits and spurts. I dunno. and, it makes no sense. because my mind cannot grasp logic or reason right now. nope. only adreline. I'm waiting to crash. like a fucking comet. and like pass out right on top of my computer. Maybe I just need some more coffee.

coffee goes with sugar
sugar is a drug
14 packs of suger in my coffee cup I CHUG!!!!
any way, I think I may listen to some couting crows. that's a good idea.
but yeah... new pic time. i love it. no flash, about 1.5 feet from my eye, slight zoom. not sure what speed film. forgot to check. peace out homies... lawlzbraz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111!11 ZOMG U R KUTE!!!!!1111!!!!eleven eleven!!!!1111