tax stuff

I go thru periods where I'm lonelier than others, and right now is one of those times. I'm not sure why... Technically, I'm rarely alone. But I also don't know a lot of people up here who aren't my family. Kevin's great, but I don't see him all that often. And I hang out with Zach and Margaret about once a week, but that still feels a little bit forced to me. And hanging out with their friends makes me feel a bit like a 5th wheel. But I think what it really boils down to is not wanting to be alone for my birthday. And I don't mean that I want to have some huge party and I don't mean that I necessarily want to go out somewhere fancy. What I want is for someone who wants to be with me.

Ok. so the truth is that my 30th birthday is shaping up to be very symbolic for me, as it is for many people. I'm deathly afraid that I'm going to be alone and lonely and a failure for the rest of my life. I really don't have much to show for the past 30 years beyond lots of depression and angst. I haven't done anything of worth. And I'm scared that I'm going to become one of those seemingly jobless directionless coffee shop guys that I see every day. I don't mean Phil. I love Phil and Phil has his thing, even if that's not the thing I want. I mean, there area few creapy guys who hang out around chagrin falls. I've known them, or known of them, for years. and they just kinda hang out at starbucks, and then make their ways over to borders, and then back to starbucks all day and every day. And I think it's probably because they have nothing else. And then i think, I've seen you here every day, which means that I've been here every day. And I have nothing else.

The problem with living in cleveland isn't my family. It isn't that I don't have many friends here. it's that I don't feel like I have a life of my own. I'm planning to blindly move to Oregon because I think that I just need to do something to get out there and do it. But it's a bad idea and I know it. Because in all likelihood, I won't find a job, I'll spend all my savings, and I'll be forced to move back home.

Today is a hard day. I'm really lonely right now. I was recently rejected from a job I really wanted and think i could have been good at. sure, its another on the pile, but man. I just don't get it. Why did I waste 3 years of my life. I was extremely unhappy and working all the time and not going out and not doing anything, and going more into myself and it was all because I thought that doing well in school mattered. But it doesn't. And i know the truth is that it's me. I really don't have any skills and law school didn't give me any. and the more time i spend not working the less likely it is that I'll find a job. The truth is, i'd be a terrible attorney anyway. and I'll never be a teacher. ugh.