happy birthday to me

two notes. first, gone update. maybe not gone, but in the middle of being logiced to death. two, best birthday message yet. Happy birthday to the Wolf! Recall as predators age they must become more crafty to compensate for their diminished ability."

gone

Well... i think my little crush is finally subsiding. Not quite subsiding, really... but i've just logiced it to death... decided that it wasn't real and not worth wasting time thinking about. Still, i'd like to tell her how i felt... just to say it out loud... but I doubt I will. It probably wouldn't be a good idea. It never was a good idea in the first place

who am i kidding. that is all a lie. a big lie. trying to logic it to death, but it's just not working. logic can only extend so far

hrmm

is the reason that artists--visual artists, musicians, authors--move me so much is that I cannot do what they do? I think that may be the case, tho I wish it weren't true.

NOM NOM NOM!!!

Bacon cupcakes? THEY'RE NOT A MYTH!!! I've SEEN THEM!!!!!!

craziness

This is called the "smart carry"
More like the Eunuch Maker, if you ask me. Or perhaps, the insanely stupid holster. Keep guns away from me in general; keep that holster away from me in particular.

kitty cat

back home for now, but watching the cat is pretty cool. I don't think he likes me much yet, tho. He spent much of the evening batting at me in one way or another, and ocassionally running into the back of my chair.

cat cat catty cat

Well, i'm condo sitting and cat sitting for Melissa Ullmos cat for a little bit. Which is ok because it gives me some quiet to study and do whatever work I have to do. but that's really all i have to say about that. I'm alone, but no blogging about being lonely today. Alone I am, but I'm trying my hardest to not dwell. Sadly, I dwell better than I do most other things.

el spirito

I just saw on TV a new TV spot for The Spirit, and it has a totally different vibe than anything I've seen in the past or any of the trailers. I have to assume it's because the early press has been sooooo negative that they are trying to package the movie differently so that people will actually go see it. But, even if it's not as bad as it looks, who wants to go see the Spirit on Christmas day? This seems like a train wreck to me.

Old:




I can't find the new one. basically it focuses more on action and how "EXPLOSIVE" and "MIND BLOWING" it is. I mean, it could be mind blowing-ly bad.

numero dos

SO I just went back and read some posts from last year. that's bad news bears. tho, i'm surprised at how terrible my writing has been recently, and how ok my writing was in some of those posts last year. to be clear, i was not then, nor will i ever, kill myself. I just get depressed. And like Wall-E, I'm a lonely robot who wants EV-E to share his world with. But also like Wall-E, with no EV-E, I just go back to doing my thing.

hrmmm

I often think about why I keep this blog. Of course, it started as a way to document my trip to england, but what has it become? I'd like to think that it's just a way to remind me, years from now, what was going on in my mind at this time. But is it? well, only partly, i guess. I mean, first, i don't really share all that's going on in my mind. Sure, I'm fairly honest... but I'm also afraid to write some things because I know that people I know read it and I don't want to embarass myself too too much. But also, I there are definitely just parts of my psyche that I don't want others to know. what am i writing here? I don't really know. I spend a lot of time blogging about girls, but perhaps that's because it's a "safe" blog topic. and it's on my mind. But it's hardly all that's going on. Surely the bar and thinking of moving and trying to write cover letters are more important and take up more of my thoughts. Do the reason girls come up so often here is that I blog before going to bed and always feel a little extra lonely at night? Perhaps. I am lonley, but its not crippling. I love my friends, and have recently been reminded that I have some truely great friends--and a lot of really great acquaintances. But its times like when I'm lonely on a saturday night that I wish for mre.

I'm going to be spending sometime condo sitting for Melissa Ullmo. More time alone, I suppose... but this alone I think is good. I actually like being alone, I just wish I coudl choose when I was alone or not.

instead

Instead of embarrassing myself thoroughly, I'm only going to do it half way. More thoughts on girls, always.

I think I must be different than a lot of guys. Since I've been single for about 4 years now, Mike's been trying to give me pointers on how to end that. But the truth is that I don't really want to follow anything he suggests. See, unlike most guys, i'm not sexually attracted to most women upon first meeting them. Unlike most guys, I don't want to date or sleep with every pretty girl I meet. It's just not me. Instead, I've found that it takes a while for me to get to that point. I think it's probaby because I see myself as a hard person to be good friends with. I mean, I have a lot of acquiantances... people I like, but I count "friend" as a special designation. Friends are the people I think about when they arent around. Friends are people I'm willing to share important thoughts and feelings with. Acquaintances are just people I meet in coffee shops who I like, but ultimately will probably fall out of contact with over the years. Friends, to me, are in it for the long haul.

Anyway, I think that, because I'm a little kookie, or at least I see myself that way, I don't really develop sexual attraction to the girls I meet until we've already developed a friendship. Combine this with the fact that I'm deathly afraid of rejection, and I'm terrified to ask girls out, and you have a very bad situation for me to actually go out with a girl. See, because I've found that after becoming a friend with a girl, I'm off the "to date" list. at least, that's been my experience so far. And what then happens is that I ask a girl out who I like as a friend, and have develop most feelings for, and I get shot down.

And then the danger begins. Because at that point, I've weirded our friendship. or at least potentially. Because she either never had physical feelings for me, or she's lost them... and while I'm fine going back to just being friends, she may not be. at least, that's what's happened often. And we stop being friends. And it's very difficult for me to lose a friend, probably because when someone becomes my friend, I emotionally invest in our relationship, whether I show it or not.

Ok. I guess this is where I write that I've developed quite a fondness for a friend of mine. (who is probably reading this right now, and god I hope not, but if she is, I'm sorry). And I don't want to say anything because I like spending time with her; I like calling her a friend. And I don't want that to go away. But sometimes it makes me sad...because I look at her and think "god you're beautiful and funny and smart and cool... why aren't you into me at all?"

Fortunately, I know it will go away over time. My stupid crushes always do. So, and I hope she's not reading this, but if you are reading, please don't feel weird. I'm just lonely and well you're nice to me and you're beautiful and funny and smart and cool. And I spend too much time alone.

And, I mean, asking Sarah out ended up not weirding our friendship. Instead, I'd say that it probably loosened it up, because now I don't ever think about it. She's a friend who I care about, but I don't have to worry about trying to date her. I got that out of the way.

So who knows what I'll do.

Why is this all coming out? Perhaps it's because of the wedding. Perhaps its because of my birthday. Perhaps its because i'm lonely. who knows.

Wedding issue 3: sunday sunday sunday. oh what an amazing weekend

Sunday Sunday Sunday.

I woke up early and laid in bed for a while. And then went downstairs for breakfast, met up wtih Suzi and Sean before they left, said by and congrats to everyone one more time and then split. I had yet another engagement: lunch with Nooree and Missy.

Ahhh what a great cap to a great weekend. Obviously, it was great to see Nooree and I've always liked Missy, from our first day in Contracts. I really don't quite know why we get along so well--we really dont share that many similarities--but we do and its great. And of course, any excuse to spend a few hours with Nooree is good for me. Nooree then mentioned to me that she was getting together with Aimee later that day for dinner and asked if I wanted to as well. Of course! I'm no fool! So we got coffee, walked around polaris, and met up with Aimee for dinner. I only wish I'd thought of some palce other than Northstar, but my knowledge of columbus is dwindling.

anyway, Sunday was basically as awesome as I could imagine. What a great cap to an amazing weekend. All day with Nooree, and I got to see Missy and Aimee. How great is that!? I sort of wish I wasn't falling asleep all day--considering I'd barely slept since Friday.

However, even tho it was amazing, as always, my drive home, and every day since sunday, has been filled with contemplation. I wish I lived in Columbus still. I wish I didn't have to retreat into my bar studying cave now. I wish I could.... but more on that later.

I'm a professional at embarassing myself.

Wedding: Issue 2. game day

I love suzi and sean. That's the basic lesson I learned from the wedding. They are absoletly two of my favoritest people in the world and I'm lucky to be friends with them.

What can I say besides the wedding was perfect and beautiful. I cried. a little. I could type on and on about it, but truthfully, it wouldn't capture how great everything was. From my end, everything was perfect. I walked both of his grandmothers down the aisle, then his mother, then Sean's mom and I had to go light a candle, then I walked Erica and Megan both down and back. And it all went smoothly (besides my horrible shaking when I was lighting the candle).

Then the reception. Again, I had a blast. More importantly, it is a day I'll never forget, because I was truely part of it. When I was asked to be in the wedding, I figured "no big deal." But I've since realized that to be part of Suzi and Sean's wedding really means to be part of them as a married couple. To always be part of somethign special.

To be honest, I never really thought that they would think of me as important to their relationship. But I was wrong. I'm oddly insecure about my friendships. I seem to think that poeple will just stop liking me for no real reason. I seem to assume that people dont really like me at al. But they proved to me that I was wrong (at least with respect to them). Instead, I felt important, wanted, loved.

I often say that it's something special to be loved by someone who doesnt have to love you. Thats why dating seriously is a great thing. Because there is another person who cares if you wake up in the morning. Who wants to be with you because its you. And who cares about you even though they dont have to. They care about you because you're you. And to me, that's special. I assume my family will love me. That's how we are. NO drama, no nothing. We all just care for each other because we're Wolfsons and we're family. And that's great. But its a whole other thing all together to have someone care about you when they aren't family. When they are just some people you met in a coffee shop. And who have no reason for liking you beyond you yourself. I never thought that they cared about me. I was wrong.

Suzi and Sean, you are great people and I wish you a long and wonderful life. Thank you again for letting me be part of your wedding. I will never forget.

And I said, what about...two times over

So, having recently watched Breakfast at Tiffany's, I decided I wanted to read the novella it was based on. One thing Andrew commented on while watching the movie is that, without Audrey Hepburn's performance, Holly Golightly would have been an awful person. I think this observervation is pretty right on, especially after reading the novella. She really does some not nice things, but Audrey Hepburn is so wonderful, so likable, that you can't help but like her. In fact, Nooree had a very good, and very correct observation as well, that the final scene is crucial to her character in the movie. Because, in the end, she ultimately goes back for the cat, and to George Pepard (HANNIBAL!!!! from the A-team), we feel a pathos for Holly. The entire time she's had her outside face on; she's been telling a lie to the audience. The lie in the persona of Holly Golighty. But in the end, she breaks down and you see the real, scared, lonely girl on the inside, whatever her real name is. In the novella, you get glimpses of this girl just like in the movie. you see her break down when her brother dies. You see Doc return and get a picture of where she comes from and why she is who she is. And indeed, after she shoos away Cat, she chases after him. But, importantly, she doesnt catch him, and she leaves the narrator. This is an important difference between Holly Golightly in the novella and in the film. In both, you feel some degree of sadness becuase you know that Holly is messed up and that there is a better person underneith her Holly Golightly persona she has created. But in the novella, unlike the book, she decideds, in the end, to keep up the persona, and even embrase it. It is who she is now. She even says at one point that you can train yourself to love older men. Well, she had trained herself to be who she is--a person who is nly interested in other people for her own gain. But in the movie you get the impression she actually does care for the George Peppard, and this is confirmed when she goes to him in teh end. you see her broken and confused. The rain is certainly a symbol of catharsis--it washes away the bullshit, self assured, shallow Holly outside and reveals the scared girl underneith.

Ultimately, I liked both the movie and the novella quite a bit. I probably prefer the movie, just because of Audrey Hepburn, but that's not to say that I didn't liek the book. Quite the opposite, I read it all, 110 pages, in one evening without stopping. quite good. worth checking out.

But, as always these days, it makes me think about my relationship girls. The Narrator (who I'll call Fred, since he's never given a proper name in teh novella) clearly cares more for Holly than she cares for him. And she probably cares more for him than she does for anyone but her brother. But what saddens me about that is that I realize how easy it is for us guys to fall for a girl who is not into us at all. And you love her even though you realize she has terrible flaws and that she'll never love you back. Why is that? In Holly's case, does it have to do with seeing underneath some thing to love. Or does it have to do with her undeniable sexuality? I don't know. For me, do I fall for girls who don't like me back because of a want of the unattainable, or perhaps its self-defeating because I'm scared of being too close to someone and getting hurt and I subconsciously don't want a relationships? Or is it that undeniable sexuality? Is it just, as Brain Wilson sang, the way the sunlight bounces off her hair? Something in the clothes she wears? Or is it just because she's nice to me? Who knows. This is just the babbeling of someone who should have gone to bed already.

wedding: issue 1. Friday rehersal

Soooooo where to begin. I have so much to write. So many thoughts about this weekend that need to be addressed. but as long as i'm going in chronological order, I may as well just talk about friday and then deal with my ruminations after. Tho.. i'm sure I'll include somethings along the way. And I apologize... any interesting thoughts about relationships or anything else will have to wait until tomorrow. Today is just a recap so I dont forget in the future how great this weekend was.

Soooooo, I arrived in town about 3 on Friday with every intention of doing some work for a fw hours and then going to rehearsal. Of course, I went to Staufs, and instead of working, I caught up with everyone there: Phil, Jay, Loring, Phil some more, Andrew Tauken, maybe some other people. Loring was a special treat. I always enjoy talking to her, and Friday she seemed to be particularlly cheery. Whatever the case, I told her of my girl woes, and she told me I was attractive, so I think that's a score. She also tried to assure me that the 30s are good and the 40s aren't bad either... I'm still skeptical, but hey....whatever.

Then I went off to rehersal. So, I was a groomsman in the wedding, but I didn't really know what that meant. I knew I had to walk Erica down the aisle, but other than that, completely lost. Well, I was drafted by Sean to walk his two grandmas and his mom down the aisle. Then his mom and I had to go up to the front of the church to light a candle. Then I had to go up to the alter during the vows. Then walk not one, but two bridesmaids, both down and back. WAYYYY more responsibilities than i was prepared for. Can I just say, I was nervous. Sure, sean was the one getting married and all, but I figure, I had the first chance to burn down the church. that would have been greeeeeeeeat.

After rehearsal was rehersal dinner at Spagios. And this forshadowed the awesomeness of the weekend. Dinner, the food, was nice... fine. about what was expected. What was unexpected was twofold. First, I always forget how great Suzi and Sean's friends are. I never felt weird or out of place. I mean, I guess I had met a lot of these people before, but really, all I really knew was Erica. Nevertheless, dinner was a great time talking with Prakash, Puja (if that's how she spells her name) Megan, Suzi, Sean, maybe someone else I'm forgetting. Very normal, very awesome. Second, I always forget how awesome suzi and sean are (something I would be reminded of for the next two days). As expected, they gave all the bridesmaids and groosmen gifts for attending. To me, as if they were reading my mind, they gave me a toy (i like puzzles and haven't beaten it yet), some coffee (I love coffee), a gift card to whole foods (i likes whole foods), and a copy of the Ominvore's Dilemma. What was most amazing about that was that I had just been saying to Puja that I wanted to read that. And lo and behold, they gave it to me. amazing.

After dinner, I stayed at Sarah's spare room. We watched Frontiers, this french horror movie which was both totally bloody and very compelling. and then the Decent, a surprisingly good movie. I'd heard it was good, but I was skeptical. Still, it was really enjoyable. I should mention at this point (and I have more thoughts on this later) that I'm very happy that I'm friends with Sarah. I just assumed after my failed attempt at asking her out, our friendship would be weirded beyond repair. Instead, it has made me feel pretty good because I don't have to worry about trying to date her. I'm just her friend, and that's good for me. But, more on that later.

For now, really should leave. Tomorrow, i'm going to write about how intensely great the rest of the weekend was, and, if i have time, I'm going to write about my thoughts. However, I'm supposed to go out with Marta later and that might get in the way. Marta, I'm also very happy that we are still friends as well. People are often shocked that we're friends, given our history, but the truth is, I like Marta and I don't see a reason for bad history to get in the way of that. If we were to meet today, and we had no past, I would like who she is and count her among my friends. Tho... I'm wondering if my thoughts about Marta and Sarah are indicative of my problem with girls and why I develop stupid crushes (like the one I have right now) far too late in friendships, when it is all but impossible to actually go out with that girl. More on all that later.

wedding post: issue zero

I can't explain how awesome of a weekend I had. I really can't write much now, so I will outline the awesomeness. 1. Friday: arrived in town. Tried to do work. Failed because I spent too much time catching up with people at Staufs. Was told I was good looking by Loring. Always feels good. Went to rehearsal dinner. Amazing. Suzi and Sean are awesome. watched frontiers and decent. both very good. 2. saturday. wedding. amazing. suzi and sean are awesome. unbeatable friends. they are a great couple. danced for liek 2 hours. feet hurt. 3. sunday. met up with Nooree and Missy for lunch. hung out with Nooree after lunch. had dinner with Nooree and Aimee. Basically, thats the best day i could possibly hope for. added to the amazing wedding, and I was walkin' on sunshine as katrina and the waves would say. then, very long and tiring drive home. I will write more later... i had to write something now. just in case I get lazy and forget, i had to document that this was just one of the best weekends in my life. and then, my ruminations on the whole shebang. but now, back to merritt's work

Antarctica

I can't get over how much I love this video. It's crazy. It starts out as some woman in what appears to be something like a college dorm, and then she opens the door to what only can be another planet. but no,its just Antarctica. awesome. more blogging about the weekend later. more work for merritt right now.

wait. um. false alarm

Well, I was all set to write about my amazing weekend here, first Suzi and Sean's wedding and then the special treat of spending all day on Sunday with Nooree ( with Missy and Aimee in the mix), but I just realized I'm far too tired for that. I have a lot to write--not only was the weekend completely, 100% fabulous, but it has given me far too much to think about. so, instead, I'll start writing it out tomorrow. Tonight, I needs the sleep.

a thought on yesterday's xkcd

to be fair to myself, I actually really enjoy being friends with women, and it's not that i'm always waiting for her to fall for me. Quite on the contrary, I actually do "value our friendship." That being said, sometimes I wish I weren't ducky.

Mitsuko Uchida

So. last night I went to See Mitsuko Uchida perform with the Cleveland Orchestra. Alone. She was amazing. She was both physically and musically beautiful. And, apparently, the show was being recorded for release on CD next year. All in all, it was pretty excellent. However, I do have 2 reservations. First, I seriously doubt that the show will be used for their recording--the crowd noise was terrible. There was a guy about 3 rows behind me who clearly had emphysema. He had a reperator that went PSSST every once in a while. and then occasionally he would cough this super ultra nasty cough that sorta made me was to puke. Second, during the first part of the show--Mozart's 23 piano concerto, there was this crazy whistling noise. So, Uchida stopped the show after the second movement and gave this "WHAT THE FUCK!??!" sort of look to the crowd. Most everyone giggled, but she shut them up with a simple hand raise, clearly pissed off. I wouldn't blame her. Anyway, it turned otu that it was probably a hearing aid, and it was gone during the second part of the show--Concerto 24. Of course, Mr. Iron lung was still.

any way, I had a great time--I was very very close to the stage, so I got to see Ms. Uchida up close in full glory--but that leads me to my second reservation. I had to go alone. I mean, I didn't really mind.. but seeing all those couples there--no one goes alone to these things--made me really wish I had someone there with me to share the performance with. And it made me wonder if I'm really weird. I think my interests must be bizarrely diverse. I enjoy going to hard rockin' shows and dance pressed up against teh stage and I enjoy sitting and listening to pretty orchestra pieces; I enjoy balls out action movies, and I enjoy dorky art house foreign films; I enjoy art and stage drama; and I like crappy sci fi and fantasy novels. Are other people not the same? I'm beginning to think not. Which I guess is fine, but I think it all leads me to being lonely and having to force myself to do things on my own. That's ok, but it'd be nice to do some things with some people from time to time. Am i the weird one. and am I destined to be alone? Well, at least Uchida was amazing.

wow. xkcd is amazing

It's a little odd to see yourself as a webcomic with stick figures. I don't recall being asked if my pathetic life could be used, but I don't mind. Sigh. As Mike said, you could just superimpose my head in there, and it'd be 100% accurate. sigh. i'm going to die a lonely old man

awesome

I don't like counterstrike at all, but this is pretty damn amazing. I give whoever created this mad mad mad props. On an aside, people think that Van Gogh may have seen the world as his paintings reflect. meaning, he was tripping his face off at all times. that's just about as terrifying as i can imagine. If that's true, there's no wonder he killed himself. How could anyone handle that even for several minutes, let alone several hours, days, weeks, months, years. scary.

hrmm

I was just mean to some Jahova's Witnesses who showed up at the door. Which makes me wonder, should we be nice to Jahova's Witnesses? I mean, I didn't slam the door in their face, but I said "can you get to teh point already, I've got work to do" (which was true). And then told them that I didn't want their literature. Not nice, but not VERY not nice. I feel like, if they're going door to door to let me know that i'm going to hell, I don't really have to put up with all their crap. Get to the point, then get off of my porch. It's times like this when I miss having the apartment security door.

i hate my mom's soap operas

I think I should get an acting or writing job on one of mom's soaps. I mean, they're so terrible! I'm better in every way. I have to be. But i'm not quite as tall or distinctive looking. drat.

It's a mere 29 days until D-day. I'm terrified. I keep getting invites to do stuff on D-day and, for whatever reason, I'm been oddly apprehensive about it. I think there are many reasons. First, even tho I whine all the time about my birthday, I actually don't want people to hang out with me because they feel sorry for me. In fact, quite the opposite. Mom said for a while, I'll send you out to LA with Kathryn. And I kept replying, I want to hangout with my friends, not some of kathryn's friends who are forced to spend time with me. Second, I can't help but see my birthday as an unfortunate milestone in an interesting, uninspired life. every year I look back at how little I've done in life, and this year it's like looking back at 30 years. Third, I'm terrified of the bar and of moving. Because it will, in all likelihood, be a colossal failure. It could work out, sure, but I can't help but think it's a terrible idea. Fourth, it is the last day before a very arduous time of studying during which I will probably not see very much of my friends. Fifth, I imagined my life very differently than it is right now. I'm alone, I'm living at home, I only have a pretend job, I have no real direction....

Ugh. I am a bit lonely right now. There's nothing like being stuck inside my house all day to make me feel like this. The house is ok, but I need my own space. That and I just ate some sugary sweets and now I'm regretting it. The best thing about living on my own is not buying sweets. I'm seriously addicted.

There's not much to write here. I don't have much to say. Oh, one thing. I learned this great word. Mamihlapinatapai. It means "a look shared by two people with each wishing that the other will initiate something that both desire but which neither one wants to start" in Yaghan, the language of the people of Tierra del Fuego. I find it amazingly useful for me. Tho, I suppose a more useful word would be something that meant "a look from one person to another that is trying to convey a feeling and a desperate request for that person to spur the other to initiate something because the first person is far to much of a wussy to do anything."

I'm done. I need to read more for Merritt