this one is for me

I always write, knowing full well that other people read this blog. I write normally for you all in some way... because I want to let you know what I'm thinking. Well... this one is all me. because its all depressing crap
So, I haven't been this depressed in years. years. probably since i was back at Oberlin. When i was lonely. and confused. and feeling like everything was pointless. that's how I am right now. Right here. Im lonely. Im confused. I dont understand why i work so fucking hard when ultimately it doesnt matter. I dont understand why it is that whenever i actively try to get someone to like me, it never works out. I dont understand why i can't handle pressure. I dont understand why im such a fucking fuck up. I dont understand why im so fucking unhappy. I dont understand why im so fucking alone. I dont know what the fuck im doing in law school. I dont know what the fuck im doing next year. I dont know who the fuck i am any more. I dont understand why i never see the people i call my friends. I dont understand fucking anything. I'm done. Ive had it. Im finished. life has beaten me. I didnt even make it to 30..... i didnt even make it to 29. this shit isnt worth it. life isnt worth fucking worrying about all teh fucking time. the world is a cold and lonely place. from dirt we are made and to dirt will will return. fucking goddamn. i hate this fucking shit

rent-boy

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose video game machines, cars, MP3 players, and electric can openers. Choose a vegetarian diet, low cholesterol, and health insurance. Choose fixed interest student loans. Choose rental payments. Choose your friends. Choose designer jeans and shiny shoes. Choose a three button, black pin stripe suit complete with matching belt and tie. Choose homework and wondering who the fuck you are every morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking small batch, boutique kettle chips in your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, with no friends, no family, and alone and lonely in a stuffy, ugly room while you eat peanut butter from the jar as you try to prepare for some pointless 'exam' that's really only tests if you can best the person next to you in a game of chance. Choose your future. Choose life. But who would want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reason when you go to law school?

tired

So, the good news is that I'm not nearly as insane as I was last night. The bad news is that I'm still going thru my anxiety thing. I'm no longer pining... and that's good...... I guess that I just felt like realy depressed and really confused and I really wanted someone there just for me. Let's face it, I needed a hug. Hell, i still need a hug

So I haven't written this because its not very real to me yet... but Uncle Bill died. I didn't know Uncle Bill very well... he was just Grandma's brother that I saw once every couple of years or so. But that doesnt mean that he wasnt family. On the contrary, he looked just like dad and grandma... so he was one of us, whether I knew him or not. And he gave me a bull. And I named that bull psychopath. And that's kinda awesome. Good bye Uncle Bill.... i wish I had known you better... I'm glad I got to see you a couple of months ago. Good bye.... the world is short one of my relatives... and that shouldn't be..... I no longer understand anything about life. And I dont understand anything about death. And I dont know why we go on. And I dont know why we strive every day to do something when ultimately, we are just going to leave this world.... ahhhh.. the cruel joke that is human consciousness. Why do we see things? It would be so much better if all we had to worry about is avoiding predators, eating ocassionally, and finding someone to spread our genes with. That is really the only purpose of life, anywya, right? To make sure that your genes are passed on? Right? Instead we can understand our own mortality. and that's awful. So we grasp for something greater than ourselves. LIke a god, or a country, or a football team, or a profession, or something. something that is timeless because we can't handle our or short span. but there is no way to live forever. Even if you make your mark, it is still, ultimately pointless. I dont know what I'm talking about. Im so tired I can't even see what I'm typing right now.

yoooooo darth maul

So, word is that Ray Park, who you SHOULD know as Darth Maul , has been cast as Snake Eyes in the upcomming (and surely crappy) G.I. Joe Movie. (not cobra-la, unfortunately). I have to say, I really love this casting move. He should be great. Tho, I wonder who they are going to be casting as Stormshadow, everyone's favorite Ninja Assassin. Anyway, way to go, at least for this one.

depressed

So, I was depressed last night. I'm still depressed. and that was one depressing post I made. Still, i'm not going to edit it out.... because i don't do that. Just know that i'm not going to kill myself or anything. it's just that things are very hard on me right now and I hate putting on my face for the world. That's why I need my blog. Because my mask can only be on so long. I can only feign calmness or happiness for so many hours in one day. then, i need to come here and just start typing and see what comes out. and that's what came out.

hurts

School hurts my head because I can't figure it out and its all imploding on me. Life hurts my body because I can't sleep when i want to and can't stay awake when i need to. law school hurts my will because it makes me realize how pointless this all is... life hurts my soul because I never make good friends until i leave them. She hurts my heart because she continues to be nice to me and I'm not quite over it yet and makes me realize once again that serendipity is bullshit and that... well... that i'm a friend... and that's good, but being a friend can be lonely too. (give me a couple of days, ok... its been a ruff semester).

double addendum

that sounds like some awesome porno sex position. Anyhoo... just so we are clear, I was right in my earlier post entitled "reflections." Right about the first part, that is, about liking her more than I should because I was setting myself up for failure. I just want all you out there who told me differently to acknowledge my correctness. that's all Im asking for.

addendum

Of course, anyone who reads this blog will know about my little burning torch....

the truth

I don't have time to cogitate on it... and I've wanted to... but I just haven't had time to think about how I am and where I am after my embarrassment the other night. Is it weird that I really want to think about what it means in the sorta mythos that is stephen? Is it because I'm a geek.? Probably. I think its because I'm an INTJ.... from what i've read, we do those kinds of things. Oh well.... it happens, i guess... I think my problem right now is that I'm still holding out hope... Maybe I shouldn't admit to that. But i can't help it. But, being passive and a weird cat and the kind of guy who'd ultimately rather have a friend than a girlfriend, I won't act any differently, and it won't really affect me, but I'll carry a small torch. A very small little torch that no one can see burning... sigh... it sucks to be the duckie... just once i want to be blaine.

no time

can't write much right now. But I have a lot to write. lots going on in my mind. instead, i'll just leave you with this picture.
It's comming back. real soon, like

wow. WoW

So... I saw maybe the best commercial today. I'm embedding it here even tho i know some of you (andrew) have troubles streaming video. dont care. this actually makes me want to play wow again. tho, it looks like they are ripping off apple. I mean, i dont think there is a copyright or tm violation or anything, but its definitely taking that style. any way... damn this is funny.

what's wrong with me

sigh. can't focus on my work.

rejected

So, I definitely need my "to pretty girls: I'm lonely and pathetic, don't talk to me" t-shirt. I don't want to blog this, but I have to. I got shot down today. It was a gentle let down.. but it was a let down nonetheless. Actually, it would have been better if she had just said "I don't like you... go away." But she didn't. And well... the problem is that I don't feel any different. I feel rejected, but I still like her....I don't have the "you suck" sort of feeling. But I don't have the "walking on sunshine sort of feeling" either. I mean, of course its better to know...but its hard too because I don't feel like changing how I'm acting toward her. I don't even feel like I have to. its better to have a friend than not.... that's always true..but, would I have like it to be different... of course..... no question....so I went home, ate a bunch of chex mix... and now i feel sick....and am trying to do some more work before going to bed.... but... well... I'm hurt.... and its not her fault Its mine. for getting my hopes up...... Its like when Marta asked me if all my problems were caused by her. Well, yes.. but they were my problems... and I'd never blame her. Sarah... I know you said you don't read my blog... but, if you do... well... I won't be weird... I'm just going to continue to be me. but, well, its just sometimes hard for us lonely guys... Sometimes I hate being a ducky. the duck man... duck-er-ino.... sometimes, I wish I were more of a james spader... but alas.... the duckman, i am.... sarah... i just hope you understand that while I may need to be sad in my blog here, I'm not at all mad.... just... well... i continue to be alone. and i dont want to be alone. and that's something i've been trying to remedy. and apparently all the girls im into aren't into me. maybe i should set my sights lower. or maybe I should become a monk. or maybe i should just be ok with being alone. gaaaa.... oh well, a new friend who actually wants to spend time with me is actually a really great thing... still.... see below: (I'm off like a dirty shirt.)

"I want you to know: Despite my appearance at this function, I remain now, and will always be, a Duckman."