clarification

Just to be clear... I'm not looking to get married or something. Its just that, I never understood before that there is a difference between liking somone and liking what someone likes. There is a difference, and I think its a serious difference, and I guess I'm only really interested anymore in people who i like, not people who I like what they like. And I'm not interested in fooling myself to thinking that liking someone for what they like is the same thing as liking them....Rebekka taught me that that's not a good idea.

reflections

So, there is only a very short time before finals and I'm not at all ready. Yes, i'm nervous... yes, im denying my lack of preparedness... but I'm not that bothered today. Tonight I went out to dinner with Sarah. And it was great. but i have a little dilemma.... I dont know if its because I'm pathetic. I don't know if its because I'm lonely. I dont know if its because I've been single for so long. I dont know if its because I'm old... but I feel myself liking her more than is healthy for me. Because if it turns out that she's really not interested in anything, well, its going to hurt... Now, I haven't fallen off that cliff yet, but I feel it comming. I'm going to say something. I'm going to say something. I'm going to say something. but not right now. Not until class is over. not until finals are over. Then I'll have the guts.... maybe by then things will have answered for themselves. I mean, if I had to guess, I'd say that she's not sure where i stand either... but I'm just no good at this unsure, tippy toe, courting part of the relationship. I just want to know. Am I barking up the wrong tree? Do I have a chance? Am I doing the right things? I have no idea.

then i stop... or, more acctuatly, i just stopped... and I have to think, am i into her because I'm lonely... or is it because I actually like her... or is it because she's nice to me. The last two girls I've dated have been mistakes for one reason or another.... Rebekka... well, I knew right away that we shouldn't date... but I was lonely. And it hurt in the end. Christine... well, i liked her... but there wasn't much there... it was more me being lonely and having found someone who thought I was physically attractive.... but I'm sick of that... its soooooo unsatisfying.... Sure, we had a good time, but it was ultimately hollow... and i hate the fact that I don't talk with her now... its not that i dont like her or anythings... its more like, we weren't really compatable as friends... not enemies or anything... just two very different people...

and I feel myself going in that direction...What i neeed to do is stop trying... stop thinking about. I need to not worry about it for at least the next 20 days. But I just want to know... I'm tired... I think I'll go to bed early. I was going to throw in a movie. maybe I will still... but i sorta doubt it....

things were so much easier in high school. marta demanded that I go out with her.... Katie jumped on top of me... marta and I didn't break up... So im no good at this beginning part... because I never had a beginning part.. I just skipped all that bullshit. and I wasn't so eager... or anxious.. or something...

ohhhh... what does it matter? Even if i were to start dating someone, I'll most likely be hundreds of miles away next year. hundreds of miles away.... and It will only hurt to move.. sigh.... what the fuck... why can't anything ever be easy?

Indy... please dont suck

So, im very conflicted. Mr. Lucas. Mr. Speilberg.. PLEASE DON'T FUCK UP INDY!!!!! You already have to pretend that the new star wars movies never happened. please don't do it to Indy. Please don't make me kill you. These new photos... looopoook... sweeeeett... please dont fuck it up.

blechjjj

So, I want to take more time to 'smell the rose' as they say. Our lives are some demanding. I spend all of my time working on something. I really just want to go out and walk on a trail.

hrmmm....????......hrmmmm.....

So, as is common on sunday mornings, I don't feel like working yet, so I'm going to blog. I know that my blogs are pretty routinely depressing, and I think that stems from a few factors. First, I often blog late at night when I'm all alone and its dark and I kinda just want to talk to someone. So, i'm depressed. Second, I often blog when I have something that I need to say, and often what I need to say is depressing. Third, I'm a depressive. Once the school year is over until january, I'll try to be more positive here.
Anyway, today's ok. I rode my bike to stauf's, so that's kinda awesome. But anyway, under Kathryn's advisement, I checked out match.com.... I'm not planning on following up anything on it, I'm still trying to 'old fasioned' method, but I did check it out......and I've noticed one thing that's a little curious. Like all the girls on it list "long hair" as a turn-off... hrmmmm... I mean, a specific turn off. now... i can understand not really wanting long hair... but i mean, a turn off. hrmmmmm...anyway, it hardly matters.... old fashioned way still working on it... it'll work work work...

anyway, i suppose that I should do work. so that's what I'm going to do. I'll probably post again later... maybe from a propo.

down like a clown

Long day of work. Just finished. going to bed. but have to brush teeth... so, stalling... because getting ready for bed sounds like a lot of work right now. I really should have done laundry... no socks. maybe i'll just buy socks tomorrow. Then i can put off laundry for another couple of days. Got some good work done today. Tomorrow has to be even better. So, I'm locking myself in my cave--the journal office. I like it when no one's there, but tnight the lights where humming and crushed my head. tired. tired... should just go to bed. seeing family and friends was nice... wish it was recharging... but instead it just reminded me of the conflicts... I like columbus more than i have at any time in the past. I've got stauf's, friends, some stableness, a possibly viable prospect for dating... but I'm moving away... it seems that everytime things start to get comfortable. Things start to feel normal... it gets taken away. Sure, its my fault this time... but still... still... god, i wonder what would have happened if borders had promoted me... woudl I be living in ann arbor right now? would I be a manger... I think its a possibility that I'd be in ann arbor... am i better off now? Will I be better off next year? tired tired tired... sleepy.. and wishing that I wasn't alone. Its not that I'm lonely..... its more like, I haven't used my voice for many hours...and I probably won't tomorrow very much... lock myself in the journal office.... no talky for a while, i guess.. oh well, tired tired tired.. neeeeeed to sleep... wish post was more interesting.

turkey day!

So, despite the amazing amounts of work I have to do, I decided to go home for turkey day... However, I'll be headed back to cbus later this evening.... provided there isn't a blizzard or something. Right now, its snowing a bit, so that's a distinct possibility Still, I've driven thru some awful weather, so maybe I shouldn't be worried too to much. Things right now are ok. I've gotten some work done, but not worked on my paper which I really need to focus on starting tonight. so, instead, I've been studying for patents... its going a bit ruff... lots o info.

I think I've cajoled jason into reading this blog now... so that's exciting. hanging out with him last night was awesome. Old friends are basically incomparable.... And i was thinking, I've actually known Jason now for more than 7 years. bordering on 8, actually. that's a shit load of time... and makes me say 'where the fuck has the time gone' yet again. Kathryn tries to tell me i'm not old... but the reason I feel so old is because I haven't even kinda begun a real life yet... and I won't begin a real life for another 6 years... I guess that part of the reason I've been so anxious about Sarah is not just because I haven't dated in so long...but its because I'd like something stable in my life. As bad as some of the times with Marta were, at least she was awesome that she always wanted to talk to me and always wanted to see me. It was stable. it was real. and it was consistent. And it was nice to feel wanted. Now, well, I know that some people would worry about me if I wasn't around for a couple of days, but I really can't prove it..... and I guess that's it... I feel old because i'm 'behind' where I imagined my life at this point and because I'm taking steps to just stretch that out.... talking with Jason, its tru, I'd like to just work and make money and not worry too much about stuff... but, some sort of egoism is forcing me to stay in school,learn something cool, and get that phd, and teach... i know that I could be happy just working some job that pays well enough to buy my cds once a week... but my ego won't let me... I want to be more tao. I want to get rid of humanly wants..... but I just can't sem to cast my ego away...not yet anyway.

so, on a final note, I think I'm going to post over at myspace more frequently. The fact that people comment on my posts over there makes me feel nice.. makes me remember that people actually do care enough to read this drivel. And, I secretly hope that Sarah reads it. Because I've been awkward recently because I dont know what she thinks and I just can't seem to spit out what I want to.

ok.. back to patents... happy tofurkey day

I r in your branez, stealin you will to work

So, i can't seem to work this minute, so I'm taking some time and writing a blog post. To be totally truthful, I really just wanted to post that pic. Pretty cool, dontchathink? So, there it is...

a little bit about Iron Chef Michael Symon

I really hope they dub him Iron Chef Midwest. And all he makes is corn dogs, eggs over easy, and his own brewed faygo. A quote from our new Iron Chef: "I'm going to rip it up today. I'm going to rip. Kitchen Stadium. Up. Who's your daddy?" That's money.

hope.... :(

I often think about how unfortunate it is that we are human. Sure, we have neat-o things like movies and the Nintendo Wii... but really, for my money, I think it'd be better if we were more like other animals. Today, I'm thinking mostly of the peculiar human condition of hope. I'm sure it comes form the human grasp of the future. That there is something out there to reach for. That things can be better. But I wish I could just live in the present. I wish my main concerns were finding food to eat and getting someone to let me outside because either I have to pee or because there is someone out there that I need to harass. Instead, i'm stuck with hope. But its the terrible kind of hope. Because I think that there are at least 2 ways that hope can manifest. One is the "OMG it would be so sweet if this happens" hope. I think that Libby feels that way every time you walk to the door. "OMG it would be totally sweet if he opened that door open openopenopenopen." But then there is the depressed sort of hope. "God I hope this happens.. but I know it won't." Now, at first, I would have said depression is the opposite of hope. But I now realize that they are actually closely related. At least, sorta. Depression is, in someways, hopelessness. But in others, it is like unrealistic hope. It is hoping but knowing that it can't happen. And that's probably the worst thing that hope can do to you. It makes you see a rosy future then takes it away from you. Evilly. I hate 'getting my hopes up' because I've learned that everytime I do, they are dashed on the rocks. And i feel my hope building for a couple of things right now.... and it scares me. frightens me.... because i know that all my hopes will fall.

oh god, please don't suck

Apparently, the Ghostbusters 3 video game is totally a go. Penned by Dan (the man) Akaroyd and Haris Ramis (the authors of the original movies), and with the voice talents of Akaroyd, Ramis, Bill Mury, and Ernie "I hate Jello" Hudson, this game has some real potential. Potential to SUCK!!!! that is... ugh... I want this one to be good. Look at that FUCKING PICTURE!!! GAHHHH!!! it looks sweet. Please don't fuck this one up. Please please please.

quick post

As if I didn't already love japan, i just learned that they have a toy gun that shoots cute pink teddy bears... holy fucking shit... i can't stop laughing.

yay???

Is it foolish of me to give out my blog name to everyone? Ive been thinking about that recently. I mean, my blog is very not hard to find...if you know my name, you can find me. I mean, look at the url, for god's sake. But, yeah, so I mentioned it to Sarah yesterday...and I don't really regret it... but then again, I'm not sure I'd like her to read my post from the other day. hrmmmm... it certainly is a quandry... yup.... well.. I've decided that I don't care... This is stream of consciousness, free flowin' Stephen. And like beer, apple cider, and cigarettes, I prefer the unfiltered varieties... Because this space is for my bitching.... I hope that other people read it and laugh ocassionally...but ultimately I don't care.

So, anyway, I did go out with Sarah last night.... and well, still confused-sauce... but not really in bad way. I get a lot of the 'you're so nice' kinda stuff... Which is a fine thing to say, except its not always a compliment....yeah i'm nice... what do you expect, for me to be mean to you? Seriously now. But anyhoo... so we went out, under the pretense of doing work... and not surprisingly, no work was done... just a lot of chit chat.... and man, i had a great time. In fact, I awoke this morning after less than 6 hours of sleep feeling totally awesome! refreshed... ahhh... generally good outlook toward life.... ahhhh... yuppers... (of course, I'm not doing any work right now... but that will start soon enough). And of course, I didn't just ask... I was about to... I started to.. then I stopped... I will... maybe... could happen. We have tentative plans to go out later this week... sigh.....

on a final note, I think Bone Thugs 'N Harmony said it best: High techs and khakis when jackin, sawed-off, theres really no place to run. Niggas get vicious with my clique is. even the bitches carry guns. Basically, if you don't get it, Cleveland is so hard, EVEN THE BITCHES CARRY GUNS!!! Holy shit, that's one fucker of a towne (note the joking). But seriously... Cleveland rules. Westest of the East, Eastest of the Midwest, and the last line of defense against the Canadian Hordes (methinks we should consider a modern Hadrian's wall... wait, fuck that... even the bitches carry guns in cleveland... we'll hold off those hockey stick weilding, abOOt saying, back bacon eating bastards.). And now, even tho our sports teams are not so great, and even tho we broke murder records this summer, and even tho we are currently the 4th poorest big city in teh nation, and even tho our population is dwindling, we are officially the home town of the NEWEST IRON CHEF!!!! FUCK YEAH!!!! Welcome, Iron Chef Slovak (I'm just makign that part up... I dont' know what they'll call him) Michael Symon.... C-Towne Borne and bred.... you fucking rule..... and lemme tell you, he'll never lose, because if he does, his homies will roll in and bust a cap in the ass of his challenger. fuck yeah

confused zor

So, it's 2am and Im just getting home. Normally, I'd consider that a good thing. And it's defintitely not a bad thing. But i'm a little confused. So, I've been avoiding posting about her because I didn't really think that it mattered at all. And now that i think that it doesnt matter at all even more, I've decided to post for real...There is this girl... Sarah... and we've been getting along great. and She encouraged me to come out tonight. and it was great. I had a lot of fun. But i'm super confused right now. I thought at first the reason that she asked me out was that she was she was interested in me. Now, i think it may be that she just likes me 'as a friend' as they say. Which is ok. I like friends. I like girls being my friends. But the problem is that i got hope. Normally, I really good at shooting down hope as soon as it pokes its nasty head up there. Normally I shoot down any sexual feelings I have, any stupid crushes, and just go with the fact that 'she doesnt like me like that... but this girl... this one.. her... I couldn't.... and tonight I think was a definite downer for me. I mean, I had a good time... but well, I was hoping (there is that damn hope again) for evidence of something more. And well... I just took her friend home and am about to go to bed.... and the last thing she said to me was "you're nice to go out with." There is this other guy too who clearly was intersted in her... and I can't tell what to do... Aaron... I should just say something... I should do it... because if I don't, i'm just going to go nuts... ugh.. why does this all have to be so complex? I like her.... I'd like to spend more time with her... I just don't want anything to get weird.... I'd like her to like me back.... but i need to start living in reality... things are not like that.... I'm back to being Duckie... I'm the eccentric friend who doesnt get molly ringwald. And that's ok...but it can be a little lonely... .ultimately a little lonely. I'd like a friend... but I haven't had a girl friend in years.... and not one that i really cared about deeply in even longer.... and well, its making me sad.... I'm old... I want someone to want me... what's wrong with me... I make friends... people seem to like me... but no girl... I'm tired. I'm not sober... I'm going to bed.

i know what i miss

I miss times just sitting around and bull shitting... I miss it sooooo much... Its so rare no a days that I actually don't have anything else on my mind so I can just sit around and bullshit... nope... now a days all I think about is what else I have to do, what i could be doing, and why I'm not enjoying myself (which is a sadly true and awful cycle). But i miss those times. I need that again... god i hope i get into this program at brown.... god i hope so... fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.....so distracted today... fuck fuck fuck fuck...that's what I like about stauf's... there is alot of bullshitting that goes on... and sometimes I get to join in.... but these days, its rarer than I'd like it to be.... just too much to do.... so, I'm avoiding it... ugh...that's sad for me

Friday Morning not doing work post

So, apparently, the Decemberists canceled their concerts that were supposed to be in Columbus next week. I was all about going and trying to force someone to come with me... But the screw up my plans. So, instead I'm listening to the Crane Wife and blogging about how much I'd really like to see them live. This album really is really good. As Kevin and I have called it: Dikensian Prog-Folk-Rock. I actually think that's a pretty good description. Maybe add another modifier like self important. or something about rhyming coriander with salamander. Dunno..... but yea... I think this is shaping up to be a lonely weekend for stephen. My wow Account just expired and I don't think I'm going to renew...at least not before December. Tho, I could change my mind... since, as I said... lonely weekend. I wanted to go home... but work and gas prices that are far more than I should pay told me to just stay here...... and well, I'm still hopeful that I'll go out with someone. I mean, realistically, that's probably not going to happen. My main goals for today are to work hard then go and buy Ratatoullie. 'Cause its great!!!! And finish my personal statements.... that's a biggie... oh well.. maybe I'll post again later. I just hop I dont have to eat dinner alone tonight.... that's the dream here.... maybe that will happen... maybe not... who knows?

well... its official

It's official. I'm not going to Stauf's nearly as frequently as I used to. Today was sort of awful. NO work done. People won't leave me alone... sort of embarrassing. No work done.... really bad. no more stauf's... sigh.

huh? wa? ohhhhhhh

So, im looking outside, thinking, why the fuck is it so dark? then i remember... ahh.. the one hazard of fall back. oh well

oh the injustice

I just read that Katie Holmes ran in the NYC marathon this past weekend. It has been one of my life goals for many years now to be a marathoner... specifically, i want to run in the Boston....And every time I read about someone just going out there and finishing on, i get super jealous.. but this post isn't about my jealousy.. not really anyway... its really about the fact that it took her 5.5 hours to finish! what the fuck? A paraplegic infant could finish in 5.5 hours. That's 12.35 miles... So I wonder if she trained at all, or she just said a couple of weeks ago "i'm famous... i could run this thing...." and she went ahead and did it... and if that's the case, then I say, Oh the injustice... Because, even while a paraplegic infant could finish faster than katie holmes, I could not... stupid knees... I've had knee problems now for i think about 5 years.. maybe 6. I've lost track... and I've had it...I wonder if I can get cut open? fix my goddamn knee! fix it fix it fix it fix it! gah... further proof that either (a) god hates me or (b) god is malicious and gets off on causing pain and despair. Because i'm filled with both....