is it bad

is it bad that when i watched about a son, a documentary about kurt cobain consisting of a series of interviews, that i recognize a lot of my own neuroses and psychoses in what he said? 'cause it worries me. I feel crazy right now. I feel like im spiraling down into despair, depression, self-loathing, insecurity, you name it. It feds itself; i cant seem to break free. yes, it worries me.

a phenomonolgy: a new beginning

So, I'm writting again, but not much right now. I've been thinking about my personal philosophy again and I really need to write. funny, whenever I'm crazy depressed, i turn to the blog. ok, morethinking needs to be done.

mom

Life with mom has gotten worse recently and i dont really know why. She really absolutely doesn't listen to me about anything at all. for whatever reason, my opinion just glides right over here without any affect. she seems to have much more respect for my siblings. Is it because i can't seem to get out on my own? Is it because I'm a screw up? I know Im not good at saying things to her in ways that she'll listen, but really sometimes you'd think she'd take my advice. It used to be that she just wouldn't listen about working out. If i suggested she work out (which she should because everyone should and because it builds bones and because i want her to live for a long time) she'd ignore me. but now, its basically about everything. I can't stand it.

my phenominology: a beginning

I figure the best place to start is at the beginning. As Marry Poppins said, its a very good place to start

I. proof of existence
I think you have to start with Descartes. I think therefore I am. Cogito ergo sum. I think that's certainly how you have to begin. and I think its correct. We are nothing more than brains. Our experience of the world is merely the sum of the stimuli we receive from the outside world. And there must not be an object outside world, because no two people experience the world the same. Take me for example. I'm a little bit color blind. When I do those tests in the eye doctor with the numbers and the bubble colors, I can't make them all out. So I see color a bit funny. But funny is only really 'different than other people.' What's to say that the colors I see are any less true than the colors other people see? Sure, you could tell me the exact wavelength of green. But again, its our experience of the world that defines our existence. People who are brain dead--who have no experience of the outside world--are physically alive, but they are dead to the world. I do not think there for I am not. Andrew, I need a translation.

But I have a problem with I think therefore I am. What about viri? or bacteria? They don't 'think' in the same way that we do, or even in the same way that fish do. So do they not 'exist?' It would be dangerous and anthropocentric to merely rely on the 'thinking to exist' belief. Unless, I elide this arguement and more right to what does "I am" mean? More interestingly for me is: what does it mean to exist as a human in the world? What does it mean to exist as a human in the modern world? those are two different questions, I think.

Ok. that's a brief start. I like thinking thru these things. I think its important for my brain, which has been feeling sluggish recently. I'm terrified of my brain withering. I think mental exercises are necessary to stay sharp. I think this is going to be a good thing.

a rant

ok.... this will be quick. I've ranted to andrew about this numerous times. A friend of the family, whom I am friends with on facebook, changes her status about 10 times a day, usually ending her quote with "...trust in the greater plan." I'm at the point where i cant take it any more. There is no greater plan. WYSIWYG. What you see is what you get. Sure, i've been extra nihilistic recently, but even so, i can't 'trust that everything happens for a reason and everything will work out in time.' nope. just doesn't happen that way. things work out or they don't. some people are luckier than others. there is no destiny. there is no greater plan.

mom's watching touched by an angel and this show makes me want to dig my eyes out.

ok. enough ranting.

an open door

I find it strange how much I love the american cowboy myth. But I do...I do so much. One thing I find particularly interesting is that there are both good and bad cowboys in the cowboy myth. At first, i didn't think this was strange/unique/whatever. But I now think its sort of special about cowboys. Because I think that a lot of times when mythological heroes turn bad, they become something else. An evil knight isn't really a night any more. He's just a guy with a sword. But the old west of myth was all about cowboys v. other cowboys (or banditos, i suppose). And I think that's kind of cool. Now, this isn't a developed theory or anything, but I think there may be something to it.

Whatever, I love cowboys. Everything about them. Normally I don't care for horses, but I love cowboys on horses. Normally I dont like guns, but man or man do I love the colt peacemaker. Hats, boots, dusters, cigarillos, everything. its all awesome.

So, I'm mildly embarssed to admit, but i have an odd obsession with "True Blood." The show is utter trash, but I find it oddly compelling. I'd say that its my thing for vampire stories, but this is outrageously trashy. Still, i find it oddly compelling.

whatever.

me wants

Ordinarily, I"m not a fan of convertibles. But I'd make an exception in this case.

So, my funk continues...but thankfully its lessened a bit. I'm already prone to depression on my own right, so when I have an especially strong motivation to me depressed, its especially hard to shake it.

Anyway, things here are as boring as ever. I'm pretty much stuck at the house most of the time. Not that there's anywhere to go. But the rain has made it especially hard to leave because I can't quite take my computer with me for fear of hurting it.

Fortunately, I feel like my brain cloud is receding. My brain has been feeling much clearer recently. However, I've been sleeping like the dead. Like today, i never even heard my alarm. That worries me. I know that depression generally saps your energy...but I really hate waking up late.

Yesterday I rode the mythical distance between Athens and Marathon at an average pace of 19.2mph. That's pretty damn fast.

final question is: should I shave my head this weekend? Kathryn will say no, but its not like I'll see her for another 6 months at least. And I have no one to impress. And seriously, having a shaved head rules. it just feels great.

still

still in a funk. energy levels at serious lows. reading many many cases, with not much to show for it. time to take a break or something. raining out side. nice rain...cool, not humid. but it means no bike outdoors. bike indoors instead. still in a funk. i think i need someone to slap me across the face; maybe that would help.

Gone Still - Nine Inch Nails

me. today. i believe stephen baldwin said it best.

Today had a very auspicious beginning, and it just went down hill from there. I woke up relatively early because I wanted to go or a bike ride. Nothing long...just a 20-30 mile jaunt. SO anyway, I rode up to chardon, and somehow took a wrong turn and went something like 10-12 miles in the wrong direction, got totally lost, eventually found my way back, but not before the weather decided to pour for about 1 hour of my ride. No shit, my clothes are still wet. Anyway, that hour basically sucked. But I wasn't too unhappy about it. not really. I mean, it was a great ride over all--60 miles in a little over 3 hours, at an average pace of over 18mph. That's a serious pace.

The problem is, for some reason, riding always makes me think about dad. I have no idea why; Suzi thought that it has something to do with all the endorphins and blood flowing into my brain that releases all kinds of thoughts and feelings. That sounds fine to me. But whatever, I've spent most of the rest of the day alternating between being depressed and crying. And now I'm drinking and watching TV, when I should be working or something. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me; grief is such a strange thing. It hit me out of no where, as it always does, and i just can't shake it right now. I think a lot of it has to do with being completely alone right now. Being alone in the house isn't really a bad thing. But being alone to my thoughts can be dangerous, because, as I've often said, my thoughts run round and round and i cant stop them and I wish I could

Im a crier. I dont hide from it; why bother. I'm barely a 'man' at all, why should i deny yet another non-manly part of me. But sometimes I wish I wasn't a crier. Sometimes I wish I could be cold and suppress my emotions. That way I wouldnt feel so shitty as I do right now. Cause man oh man, i feel pretty super shitty right now. Dad was so much stronger than I am. dad wasn't afraid all the time. dad didn't suffer from these terrible doubts. i miss him terribly.

libby take 2

She's so freaked out. her eyes are huge.

Libby's such an interesting animal. she's by far the most extroverted animal I've ever met. She just needs people. So often she'll come over to where we are and just sit on someone's foot. She just needs the contact.

its why she's so awesome...because when she sees you, she's genuinely happy. I really don't believe its my anthropomorphication of her..i dont think i'm just ascribing human feelings on her. But even if i am, does it really matter. because when she seems happy to see me, it makes me happy. And when I'm sad and she comes to be with me, it makes me less sad.

libby

my dog's freaking out right now, so she's taken up residence on my lap while i try to do work. Libby really doesn't like storms. Really really really doesn't like them. So she sits and trembles and pants until its over. Its one of the many times i wish I could read her mind. Because she totally flips out for seemingly no reason. I mean, its not even thundering or lightening very hard right now. but man oh man, she's scared.

ewwww

Im sick of hearing about philandering politicians. I dont care AT ALL if a politician sleeps around. So what? I mean, most people already think most, if not all, politicians are dirty. I know I doubt the truthfulness of them all. And most of us assume that they love themselves and their power. So why should we be surprised if they sleep around?

But honestly, the main reason I dont like to hear about it is because I hate hearing some bullshit faux-contrite speech by mr. whoever saying "ive let down my wife, my state, my country, blah blah blah." Its bullshit. First, if you really cared about what your state, country, etc. thought, you wouldn't have done it. Second, the only person who should really care is your wife. People cheat all the time. And its a private matter. Now, if it affects his/her ability to govern, then that's a different story. but I fail to see how it will. did i mention that we most of us assume that politicians are pretty dirty already? 'moral corruption' or something like that does not move me.

but mainly, i think just hate the sorry speeches. or maybe its my complete mistrust for all things politics.

don't talk back to darth vader, he'll getcha!

This may be the cutest little girl in the history of cute little girls. Of course, I'm biased--what with my deep love for star wars (original trilogy, of course).

still tired

Im so tired right now. I think that's 2 days in a row I'm starting a post like that. well, today I went for a bike ride that just plain old kicked my ass. I decided it would be fun to do a hills work out... so I rode up a bunch of pretty steep, pretty long hills. And now, tired.

I did learn one thing on my ride--oatmeal raisin power bars taste like soggy raisin bran crunch.

anyway, I wanted to write somethign here, but my brain's all gone to much. I think i'll just see what sleep has to offer me, and write in teh morning.

da dum da dum

Soooo tired. today we drove andrew to south bend so he can take his summer classes. Then drove back, and right now, i'm pretty wrecked. but I'm trying to do some work before sleeping because I took all day off when I really needed to do some work. It doesnt help that when we got home, I hadn't eaten much all day so I gorged myself and now feel kinda like i want to die.

The drive really wasnt bad at all. Sure, coming home took a while because we ran into several bouts of construction and a traffic jam at the indiana border. but as i've told many people, i actually really lke long drives. I got to listen to 3 episodes of this american life..all of which were really interesting... and think and drive and think. But being on the go all day is just tiring.

I bought tickets for me and nooree to see ben folds play with the columbus symphony orchestra in october. That maeks october both too far away and too soon. Does any feel like life is moving really fast these days? I'd like to take more in, do more things, make more use of my time. Im trying so hard to make active, productive use of the time I have, but its so easy to get lazy. no more. trying to push. so tired. barely know what im typing. gotta stop

beck

I've been listening to quite a bit of Velvet Underground inspired stuff recently, so its not really surprising that i like this cover of record club by Beck. But I think we can all agree that its a really good cover, too.



So Kathryn's home saturday. It'll be good to have the clan reassembled, even tho it really hasn't been that long since she was back home. but, of course, last time is a time i'd like to forget. Sadly, however, I wont be able to get down to columbus before simon leaves. Simon was as unlikely a friend as any. I didn't actually meet him in school, and I'm not sure i would have. instead, he's really a stauf's friend who happened to be a law student as well. And he's such a strange, interesting character. The breadth of his experiences is amazing to me...it seems he's done a little bit of everything. I'm a bit jealous. more than a bit. anyway, I'll miss him...he's a good guy. I wish my friends could run in the same crowds and stay around the same areas. but no such luck. its never been that way.

father's day

raccoons

So, there's this raccoon that's been invading our trash for several weeks now. He has barely any fear of us. So yesterday, I came back home on my bike to find him hiding under andrew's car. i walked away to let him run off, and went inside. Then, like 5 minutes later, he was back in the trash. piece of crap. seriously. what the hell? I'm just about ready to buy a shotgun and kill me some raccoon. and then feast on raccoon steaks for dinner. who cares if im a veggie...this thing has invaded our home and that's just not cool.

anyway.... i didn't buy a gun. instead, i bought some bungie cords and locked down the trash...hopefully that will keep him away.

So, I went to see the girlfriend experience yesterday.... and i was a bit disappointed. Its not that it was bad, really... it just wasn't all that it could be. I mean, for a movie staring a porn star about a high class prostitute, it wasn't at all provocative or sexy. Normally, i dont really care for sex scenes in movies because 9/10 they're pointless to the story and are only there to sell tickets with some bare boobs. But here's a movie that wants to be sexually provocative, and instead, it was more about the economy than about sex or the sex industry or even the mentality of someone who sells her body and her time to just about anyone willing to pay.

Several years ago, i went to see a movie called Shortbus at the gateway theatre. I've talked about it ocassionally... but its not one of those movies i feel comfortable telling other people to see, because it was easily the most sexually explicit movie ive ever seen (not counting the gay pornos that were airing at safer sex night back at oberlin...geeze.... that would take some explaination...safer sex night was a big school sponsored party at oberlin promoting safer sex and people attended mostly naked and in the party room, there were pornos playing everywhere, of every variety.). Anyway, shortbus contained what was called "unsimulated sex scenes." so basically people were just having sex in teh movie. but the thing is, in that movie, it all made sense. I didn't feel like i was watching something dirty. its hard to explain.

anyway, it was really great. And I think the girlfriend experience could have taken a different, tho similar look at sex and sexuality and sort of people who live in that world. but instead it really didn't ask many provocative questions and it didn't provide any answers.

so i was a bit disappointed. its not that it was bad; it just could have been a lot better. I think if it hadn't tried so hard to be expiramental, it would have been better. it needed more structure, a more clear story line and plot, more thought in general. Less improv. oh well

hey there mr. microphone man

about 4 years ago at this point, kevin, andrew, andy, and I saw what might have been the best encore of any concert i've ever been to. Unfortunately, its not on youtube... BUUUUT a clip from teh San Francisco show is available and just as awesome. Maybe you had to be there to fully understand, but seeing CornMo and the Giants on stage rocking out hard core was a religious experience.

let there be light

I dont like west wing. I've tried. Everyone I know is totally in love with the show and tells me all the time how much I'd love it. But I just don't. I suppose it is a little odd. I'm politically interested, I'm liberal, i like witty banter... I'm pretty much the demographic the show was shooting for...but I really dont like it. I hate the way the characters speak. I hate how clearly ideological the show is. i dunno. Its like politics in general for me. I like to study it, in an academic way...but when it gets down to ideologies...i just don't trust any politician. Ive never liked anyone enough to really root for him/her more than "well, the other guys suck, so go you."

So I dont like west wing. I get the appeal, but its just not for me.

West Wing is a lot like radiohead. Tho, Thom Yorke pisses me off way more than Aaron Sorkin. HOnestly, every time I start talking to a new person about my musical tastes, I get asked about radio head. and I dont like to offer the fact that I dont like them because well, people get pissy about it. Its amazing how many people are defensive about radiohead. I just dont get that. I mean, its just a band. I want people to like the magnetic fields, but i accept that they just dont do it for everyone. whatever. anyway, i think id like radiohead more if they weren't popular...i think at this point its more of a reaction than a true dislike. seriously, if i get told once more to like them, i may lose it.

anyway, I understand why people get pissy with me about things I dont like. I tend to take pretty black and white attitudes about my likes and dislikes. If I dont like something, i'm usually not wishy washy about it. Tho, recently i've been telling people that i am ("well, its just not something i've listened to very much" or whatever). And, truth is, Im not sure why you should be wishy washy about likes and dislikes. i mean, i dont care if YOU like west wing. I just dont. And while I may trash talk it, honestly, I dont think any less of you or its other viewers. that's not how i think.

Of course, I do tend to hold negative thoughts about people who liek christian contemporary music. but come on, it sucks.