further musings

I've been thinking about myself alot recently. I suppose I do that often, but hey... that's what I do. And so recently I've been thinking about where i am and who I am at this point in my life.

Cleaning up my apartment today made me think today about possessions. I've decided that I want to have less possessions rather than more. I really don't own very much...I have almost no furniture, but it is still hard to collect everything, pack everything, and move everything. And it makes me not want to move. Ever. and that saddens me. It's no secret to anyone who knows me that I'm disappointed that I've never really traveled or lived anywhere other than Ohio. It's not that I have anything wrong with Ohio, really, its that I feel like I need to be out. I feel sheltered. I feel inexperienced. I feel like there is so much that I need to see...that i need to learn, and I just haven't been able to yet. But there are so many things that tie us down to one place. Possessions are at the top of the list. I don't want to move, because I don't want to haul my bed across the world. I don't want to abandon my computer. I love my movies. What's more, my current profession (or, not really) ties you down to one place. You take the bar somewhere and you stay there, unless you are willing to take it again... and why woudl any one do that. Besides, you're building your future at whatever firm you're at. Do youreally want to give up the partnership track? Now, I get that. security is nice. a real, professional life is nice. and sure, if i had a real job, i may feel differently...but i still hate that your work and your possessions tie you down to one place. as far as im concerned, the only thing good enough to tie you down to one place is family.

speaking of family, it was my grandparent's 60th anniversary this weekend. And once again, I got very melancholy about age. Not only do i feel old myself, but I looked at my family and just got very scared. Where did the time go? Where has my life gone? Time is cruel. Life is cruel. my mind is cruel.

I feel like I'm always waiting for things to happen. I say that a lot, but its always true. I have such trouble acting on things that I want.... i get performance anxiety... fear of failure. whatever.

I've also felt very lonely recently. I go thru these phases where I'll feel lonely and then I don't and then I do. well, right now, I feel pretty lonely. I have friends, but I don't spend enough time with the people i really like. Take, for example, Phil and Andy. I like them both, but on relatively superficial levels. when I leave Ohio, I'll think of them, but in a curious sort of way, rather than a sad sort of way. Like people you graduated high school with, and hung out with from time to time, but didn't really see much until your reunion. Contrast that with someone like Sara or Marta... old friends, lost thru time, still acquaintances, but still friends from another life. Bob Baskette...

I really should just move. I should start a new life somewhere. But I'm so scared... I'm scared of failing. so scared. crippled with fear. scared of leaving the friends i have here. scared of not making new ones.

When I was in high school, i ran with a very tight group. I'd say that we all geniunly cared about each other. Zack used to say we were a family... I think that was true...for about 4 years. Sadly, there was a schism... and the family is gone now. And i think I came out worst in the split. Because I relied on having that family. Sara has Joe. Marta has had several people, now Nigel. Zach has Margaret. Lowell has his life... Adam has his. me.. I feel like I life ended for me. and I haven't recovered. it sounds lame to say that I'm still affected by things that happened 5 years ago... but i can't help it. I feel like if I died in my apartment, no one who isn't my blood family would even think to check on me.

i've also had trouble getting used to how people as we get older don't like to just hang out together. again, back in the old life, we would just get together, drink coffee. read, chat, watch tv, whatever. Now, everything has to revolve around an activity. thing is, i think the most important times with friends are those times just hanging out. just sitting, chatting, reading, watching tv...whatever.

what's wrong with me? I've been really depressed, i've been lonely, I've been harboring a crush like a 15-year old girl. I've been totally unfocused. i've been tired. sigh.

any of you who are reading this... i apologize for being so down. I don't know what's wrong with me. and you all are people who i care for greatly... and I apologize if i just run away someday. And I apologize for the boringness of this post.

musings

So... It's no secret, but I've been super depressed for a while now. Actually, I've been depressed for 10 years now, but in particular, this past year has been very hard on me. And I've been thinking about it. a lot. How do i fix this? The last time I was this depressed, it was because of Marta. well, more accurately, it was because of my dependence on Marta, and then not getting over her. So, a cure was pretty clear: get over her/get a new girl. I did get over her (eventually) but not because of a new girl. I just decided that she was no longer something i needed. and i was happier. At least, I wasn't depressed about the break up any longer. Now, tho... the cure seems much tuffer to me. I know the problem. but it's multi-part. I have no direction. No job. huge debt. and I'm getting old. I feel lonely a lot. And I have no idea how to get out of this funk. I could find direction...but i can't seem to find any direction. I don't qualify for any jobs that sound interesting. I don't even really know what i want. or what i want at all.

When I left law school the first time, I left because I was scared that i was going to get out with no job, and a huge debt hole that was so large I had to take a job i hated just to pay my way out. Now, i'm afraid that was true. People say to me "you can find A job..." but I don't want "A" job. because I know I'll leave it within 2 years. I need to do something that i actually care about. but what do i care about? I like riding my bike. I care about my family. I like to read. I like to watch movies. I like to listen to CDs. that's about it.

I honestly think I would be happiest if i could just live a super simple life. i'm so confused. lesigh.

holy fucking shit

if i ever go to india, i am most definitely not driving. anywhere. at all.

this guy

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=250255442325

this guy's my new hero. He's auctioning off his life because some chick broke up with, leaving him with nothing but an empty shell where his heart and soul used to be. Happens to all of us at some point, buddy. Honestly, i wish i had it in my to just sell everything and move where ever the winds take me. honestly. I wish I could. Sadly, i think my net worth is somewhere around $1000... which is 100x to little to dig my way out of my debt hole. so even if i did have the guts to sell my life, still wouldn't be able to escape my life. sigh.... i really don't think that life should be about worry and angst... it should be about enjoyment and self discovery. I haven't been engaging in self discovery. I've been engaging in self-checking off what i'm not. Not motivated. check. not a book seller. check. not a film maker. check. not a practicing catholic, check. Its about time to figure anything out at all. anything. at all. please.

stephen

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

GEORGE CARLIN DIED!!!!

http://www.wwtdd.com/post.phtml?pk=8321

This is like the greatest thing ever

This is just to say

Apparently there is this famous poem entitled This is Just to Say, by William Carlos Williams. What an unfortunate name, that is. You'd think his parents would have been less cruel. Oh well. Anyway, here's the poem. It's pretty brilliant.

I have eaten

the plums

that were in

the icebox



and which

you were probably

saving

for breakfast



Forgive me

they were delicious

so sweet

and so cold

I heard about this poem on the greatest radio show ever in the history of the universe: This American Life. And apparently one reason this is so famous is because people have often imitated it. So, I have decided to try my hand at it occasionally, both here and on the Hate blog. Unfortunately, I have nothing creative right now.... I'll come back later with something... i'll try anyway

1. I have written nothing in this blog, tho I had every intent of putting something down
Even though I know you are wasting your time reading this drivel
Forgive me. law school has killed anything creative in my brain

ha.... that's just the start of the deluge.

balg

A few thoughts. 1. has there ever been, or will there ever be a woman as beautiful as Michelle Yeoh? (Zang Ziyi isn't half bad either). 2. How is it that ever fight scene choreographed by Woo-ping is amazing? You'd think he'd run out of ideas at some point. 3. Why are there shitty martial arts movies? They seem pretty easy to make to me. This scene has two women sword fighting. Its shot perfectly: meaning, you can actually tell what's going on. 4. Why am I not shooting movies? damn

my stupid brain

So... I'm going to start writing daily again... either here or on stuff stephen hates... I miss writing... i think its good for me. Anyhoo... so, I've written about Katie Andrews before. And today I was surfing 1998 grads from Gilmour on Facebook when who do i see, but Kate Andrews. katie is one of those people who I wish I hadn't lost contact with. She was cool and I wish I were still friends with her. So I considered friending her. but I didn't... because it seemed weird to me. Facebook still weirds me out. still don't quite get it; i don't know what the proper protocol is. I found a friend from oberlin the other day, but i didn't friend her because I wasn't sure if it would be fun or stalkerish. hrmmm.. Katie. Kate. someone who i've said I would like ot see again, and I can't bring myself to press click on a superficial "friend" bbs. hrm.

loves it

I love Brainiac. I love youtube

Dear Mike Doughty

Dear Mike, can I call you Mike? I've listened to you so much for so long and seen you so many times that I feel like I can call you Mike. I just want to say, please, please please, for the love of God, drop your fucking producer. I really like your music, but the damn over production just makes you sound less honest. And that's what your music has always had going for it. Your voice especially has a quality that sounds like you are singing to me. And I love your clever lyrics. Please, tho, your album just sounds like clear channel fodder. Then I hear you live, and I remember why I enjoyed you so much for so long. you're full of energy. Spontaneous. exciting. And you sound like you are signing to me. Please, please please... i get that you get more chance for fame, fortune, and radio play with ATO and all... but please... just find a different producer. he's making you boring... I don't want soul coughing back. That's the past... but i know you have great music in you. I know you do... but I don't think stream line, clean sounding is your thing. please... strip it down. Learn to produce yourself... hell... call me up.. I'll find someone for you. But please, be yourself... don't be what your producer wants you to be. Fuck dave matthews. I still love you mike. But I just know there's more to you.

stephen

google-zor

So, i applied today for a job with google. And as much as I keep saying that I don't really have anything invested in this job.... I really do hope they call me. If you're spying on my right now google (as I use your services), I'M a good guy. Funny. Charming. And I could do awesome work for you in Trademark. Awesome. awesome. come one guys! Hire me. call me. call me. I'm just going to keep applying until you hire me. :) It's be pretty sweet to work there... I'd love to actually be part of a company whose product I really like. and whose culture is awesome. rather than rotting in a firm where i want to kill myself every second of every day. Come on google... give me that chance. Of course, as i just realized, if they are spying on this posting, they are probably spying on all my other posts. and my email. ummmm.... yea... about all that bad stuff... ummmmm... *embarassed grin* about that... ummmm.... well, just give me the interview..... forget all that stuff...:)

copyright demo

Ok.... so this won't be interesting to anyone reading this, but I'm going to be doing some copyright hypos over the next couple of posts to prep for my exam. Here goes.

I was sitting in Victorian's Midnight Cafe eating breakfast yesterday morning and I noticed somthing. Well, actually, I noticed a couple of things. First, my waitress was really good looking. She sat down with me to take my order and i was a bit flabbergasted at first. I almost had to say "can you please stand up because I can't concentrate on the menu and form a sentence to order because I can't take my eyes off of you. But I didn't. Anyway, my eggs and toast were pretty good. The eggs were nice and fluffy, as if they were very fresh, and the yolk was perfectly runny...like i like it. Anyway, I also noticed that they were playing the broadcast feed from a satellite tv thing of a music channel. Apparently the crappy 70s rock station. Anyway, it got me to thinking, was this copyright infringement? The first questions in a copyright infirngement case is whether there isa valid copuyright at all. In this case, it is very clear that the songs I heard would qualify as having a copyright. There are 2 requirements for a copyright: fixation and originality. Fixation is not a problem. These were all songs that were written down, cut on wax, and even published to the people. (since these songs may have been out before 1976, there could be public domain issues associated with copyright notice, but i'm going to ignore that right now). Anyway, fixation... not a problem. Second, it would need originality. Under the Feist holding, to have originality can be found by having independent creation and some small amount of creativity. Again, this is pretty clear here. The Songs I heard were probably not copied from somewhere else (tho, i don't know that, and it could be contested) and they are at least a little bit creative. Probably much more so. So, copyright seems to exist.

The second initial issue could be copyright ownership. Here, I don't have enough facts. It is likely that these songs copyrights are owned by the record studio. But I don't know that. Either way, under 201, copyright ownership first vests in th author of the work. This could either be the composer or the studio if this were a work made for hire situation. Again,I don't know, so I'll assume that the studio owns the copyright. For simplicity sake, I will also assume that the studio owns the sound recording rights (because with songs there are rights to the musical work and to the sound recording).

Ok. so we have a valid copyright and it is owned by the studio. Now, under 106(4), the copyright owner has the exclusive rightto public performance of his/her work. Here the playing of the songs is a public performance. Therefore, without some licensing agreement (and I doubt that Victorian's has one--like from ASCAP), they would be infringing the copyright owners right to public performance. However, they may be exempted by 110(5). While this may be a little unclear in some areas, it still appears to be an easy application of this exemption. Under 110(5)(A), the communication of a transmission which is received by a single apparatus of the kind commonly usd in pivate homes is exempt unless there is a direct change made to see or hear the transmission or the transmission thus received is further transmitted to the public. Here, there was no retransmission and no charge made for the performance. Also, this was being played out of a simple, large screen tv-the kind you could easily buy at Best Buy or some retail electronics store. I think these are pretty common today. So, I think they would be covered under 110(5)(a)
If they were not covered under 110(5)(a), they may still be exempt under 110(5)(b). Even if A does not apply, this seems to be an easy case for B. This provides an exemption for eating or drinking establishments to play a nondramatic musical work intended to be receivd by the general public or an audiovisual transmission by a cable system or satellite carrier if the eating/drinking establishment is less than 3750 sq/feet or if larger, then it only has no more than 6 speakers and no more than 4 in 1 room. Here, victorians seemed to be smaller than 2000 sq/feet. However, even if it isn't, there were only 2 speakers playing this: those coming from the tv. Therefore, it would fall under this exemption.

So, it seems that victorians is in the clear. However, I'm a little bit unclear about the digitial performance rights and if the aiken and 110(b) exemption count here. I'm going to find out tho.

NEW BLOG!!!

Hey all... you should go over and read my brand new totally new smells like new blog: stuff stephen hates (stuffstephenhates.blogspot.com). I think its going to be fun.

as previously mentioned, the end is nigh

So... another 2 signs of the apocalypse. First...the snow... or at least, columbus thought it was the end of the world. I hear cleveland had something called a "level 3 snow warning." or something. Columbus had a level 2. or something. I don't really know what that means, but Mike suggested that at the level 3, you're shot on sight if outside of your house. Sounds right down the Bush Administration ally... so, I'm going with that. Second, 10,000 BC was tops in the box office with $35M dollars. What the fuck? I mean, i can believe seeing this movie. I can believe renting this movie. but $35 million dollars for this crap?



I get it. big effects-spoitation stuff. I get it... But seriously, couldn't the 'fans' have waited a week or two just so it wouldn't be tops. Can't we have some substance in our action effects movies? fuck!

http://tvshack.net/

there's a link to tvshack. I don't know if its on there yet, but if it is, please, please, don't go see it in the theater for at least a couple more weeks. Just so its profits look less interesting.

I went to see the bank job. Now, heist movies have a habit of sucking, but i don't really understand why. It seems like a pretty simple sort of movie to pull off. Here, I'll help every director in the world with this. Put the foot on the gas and don't let off until the end. Make your characters fun... let them be either humerous, ruthless or both. Choose either very dark or more light hearted (I think the later works better). Film it... put it in the can. Done. So, i like the bank job. It wasn't the best movie I'd ever seen... but it was good enough. Fast, implausible-yet-based-on-real-events. And I can't help but love Jason Statham. Did you know he's only 5'8". WOOT!!! That's my height!!! But it definitely missed some chances. Like, only most of the characters were good. at least one or 2 were totally undefined. But it had the potential for them to be bumblind, funny, yet still successful. Sort of like a Oceans 11 if the 11 were totally crappy at what they did, but they won anyway. That's how it could have been, and i think it would have been more effective. Instead, it tried at points to add seriousness where it wasn't needed. Oh well.. I liked it anyway. What it really needed was Jason Statham driving a BMW 745i. By the way, why the fuck wasn't he cast as "The Hitman" in "the Hitman"? Because he'd have been perfect... way better than that loser from Die Hard WITH A VENGANCE!!! (how it should be written). anyhoo... out... back to copyright. god i hope i do well in this class... i really like it.

dear Columbus

LEARN TO FUCKING PLOW!!!!!

that is all

yay!

So... as i've said many times now, i've been quite a bit depressed recently... so I realized there was only 1 thing to do. or, i guess, 2.





Wow. I wish everyone I know could understand just how awesome HATP are live. Its just pure fun. nothing else.. pure fun. and, I mean, sometimes i know exactly what harry means. "when you were young and innocent/i saved you from a basilisk/i think that that deserves a kiss/but you're all over dean thomas."

and second.



She's so hot. That video is go good. damn. night. bed.

february (you fucking suck)

So, thank go this fucking month is almost over. Kathryn has been a long time hater of February and I whole heartedly agree. As she says "anything that can go wrong duirng this month, will." I've always called it the Tuesday of months....ya know because tuesday is by far the worst day of the week. Mondays, you still are basking in the afterglow of the weekend. Wednesdays are hump days and you can see friday on the horizon. Thursdays, soooo close... Friday 2 days of freedom upahead. But Tuesdays you are farthest possible from enjoying life again. Like February. Weather sucks. bad shit happens.... and, in the worst case senario, like this year, there is a whole fucking extra day. as if soome cruel joke from the world, ever 4 years I have to deal with 29 goddamn days in February. Fuck. Thank god its done tomorrow

ON a happier note, I had these ricotta pancakes from northstar for breakfast today. they were really good. Very sweet. super fluffy. Now, normally i like my pancakes sour. Like really sour. LIke, i remember this place up in Michigan that had these totally awesome sour pancakes... super sourdough. and northstar's ricotta pancakes weren't that. In fact, they tasted a bit like plain cakey doughnuts. so, really fucking good... mmmmm...

depression

Well, i'm finally writing about this... tho most of you who read this already know. I've been sorta of soul crushingly depressed recently. Mainly what triggered my recent bout with wanting to die is that I was rejected by Brown... Funny think about that is that it was the 4th rejection slip I've received from Brown in my life. I got 3 as an undergrad (1 for myself, 1 from the alumni association, and 1 to mom and dad letting them know that their kid wasn't smart). Then I got an email the other day telling me that I hadn't gotten into their grad program. And I will guaranteedly get a paper letter in a month or so. So that will be 5 rejection slips from one school. Fuck. Anyway, I'm officially at a loss. People have been saying "this is just one school, there is no reason to give up completly" and that's right... but I've just been shaken and scared and I really have no idea about what's happening next year... so I'm scared shitless. I haven't really been able to focus all week because of this. I haven't been sleeping well... I see myself workign at borders again. And while Borders isnt the worst thing that could happen (nothing would make me happier than just stacking cds and dvds again), the pay is a problem. The living at home again is a problem. I feel like I lost the fight. I feel like Ive been preaching about how I dont have to be a lawyer and I'm just going to turn into lawyer scum no matter what. Fuck you life. fuck you. I'm scared.

hrmmm

I was thinking about watching the Oscars, but frankly, right now it would just be painful. and not painful in that normal way because its a bunch of people who are full of themselves and no funny jokes... painful in that I still hate my life kind of way.

where's the nearest building to thro myself from

I can explain in one sentence why im so pessimistic and negative all the time. Because nothing ever ever goes right. One more sentence. Because everytime I get my hopes up, life comes in to crush them back in their place. fuck you life... i hate you too.

fucking cold

It's fucking cold in here. I'm sitting in the room waiting for international human rights law to begin and its so fucking cold that my figers hurt. What that fuck is wrong with this school? Why can't they maintain a livable temperature. its either super fucking hot or super fucking cold. gaaaa...

I worked for about 30-35 hours on journal work since friday at noon and i arive this morning and erin asks for help on doing so last minute spot checking. I said, honestly, I have to work on school work that I've been putting off since friday.... and i get the "i'd love to do school work." well, ya know what? youhad all weekend to do school work.... me not so much. and besides, i'm the only person i know who actually cares about day to day work more than end of the year bull shit. for me, my day to day preparation is what I do best. Its where I learn. And, unlike most mornoic law students, I actually want to learn. And becaus of journal, i haven't been able to prepare like i want to. and i feel like I'm slipping. and I hate that. so, ugh... so fucking cold.

further proof that we have entered the end time. prepare yourself; judgment day approachith

So, Amy Winhouse won 5 grammy's for singing a song about not going to rehab when she was just booted from the country for her crack habit and rehab stay. I don't normally pay much attention to the Grammys. They always come off as more of a popularity contest than a legitimate awards show... then again, I love it every time Kanye West gets snubbed and he whines about how awesome he is and blah blah blah. But I do check the winner, out of curiosity sake. This year, they got at least one correct: Icky Thump by the White Stripes won best alternative album. of course, its not "alternative" like what that words used to mean, but whatever. Anyway the Grammys this year had the single best list of nominees for one category ever: Best Spoken Word Album. Nominees. Maya Angelou "celebrations"; Bill Clinton "Giving"; Jimmy Carter "Sunday Mornings in Plains"; Alan Alda "Things I overheard while talking to myself"; and the winner Barack Obama "The Audacity of Hope." Damn. what a list. 3 world leaders, 1 mega famous poet; 1 Hawkeye.


one more point. Aaron Applebaum endorsed Barry Obama for prez.... I'm coming around, actually. Hilly, you had your shot, but I have the feeling like the movement can't be stopped. and if the movement is that powerful, I think it could do wonderful things.

jaydog

So, Jason has a new blogger blog. http://theartofthedoodle.blogspot.com/ go there. see his awesome art work. love it. then, go to http://pencilsandinks.com/ while you're at it. and tell all your friends. especially those friends who want to buy sell and trade comic art.

i'm in love

I'm in love with Sarah Silverman. I would have cut off my left pinky to have been in that video. Ok, maybe not. I don't really like pain. but I definitely would have flown to LA or something.

slacker

So, first things first. I haven't posted in a while out of pure laziness. and apathy. and... i need a word like apathy, but not apathy. But Im back, baby....

so, above is my picture of Nooree from when we went to the bodies exhibit. As andrew has clearly already noted, this is a classic photo by stephen. Subject to one side. Fuzzy. Barely make out what's going on, let alone who it is... but I love pictures like this. Somehow, I think its more like an actual memory than most pictures. They are fuzzy. unclear.

and, of course, its arty. sorta.

so, Nooree was nice enough to go to the bodies exhibit with me before she went off to jolly old england. and the exhibit was pretty damn cool. ya know, if you're into that whole dead bodies cut apart and turned into plastic kinda thing. And of course, I am. so, it was kewl.

I'm sitting outside of my Int'l Human Rights class waiting for some 1Ls to get the hell out of our room. grrrrr... they don't belong there.

I've been considering emailing the director of graduate studies at Brown to say "hey, am i going to get in or not?" But I know full well that I won't hear anything until March. And I don't want to annoy them or anything. But I'm a bit tense.

I think people are a bit wussy about illness. I hear everyone around here 'gaa... I'm dizzy' 'gaaa' I can't breathe....' 'gaaa...cough cough cough... i'm dying.' I won't pretend that I'm happy when I'm sick... but I certainly don't turn into a sissy just because of it.

boooo

So... school starts up again tomorrow. I was all prepared to come here and make a positive post, but somehow I think is may turn out to be more negative than I'd like. Anyway, i guess a few people were slightly worried after my last post that I may, i dont know... kill myself or something. Well... no... that's not going to happen... but i just don't see a purpose to anything. if i were a god fearing man, I'd say that I need god in my life. however, that didn't work either... so I think that's not the answer. anyway, school is starting. my last sememster. People keep trying to cheer me up about it. but its not soon enough. 15 more weeks of pain. pain pain.
On an odder note, i've been very much feeling like I want to be alone recently. I don't really know why, but not being around anyone sounds more appealing than usual. hrm.
I just read that Burn by the Cure was actually written for the Crow soundtrack. That rules. That song rules... and I always thought that it fit the crow a bit too much to be just coincidence. so there you have it. I love that song.

movies Ive seen thus far in 2008: Juno, the Savages, I am legend (again), Sweeney Todd. I'm really going to try to keep this list up-to-day from now on.

ugh... well... there it is. first post of 2008... lamezor.... I'l try to write more better later, I hope. but this was post 111, apparenlty. that's somewhat amusing. ugh... I need to get my head in the right place. I SOOOOOOOoOOooooOOooooooOoOO am not ready for school tomorrow. blech

this one is for me

I always write, knowing full well that other people read this blog. I write normally for you all in some way... because I want to let you know what I'm thinking. Well... this one is all me. because its all depressing crap
So, I haven't been this depressed in years. years. probably since i was back at Oberlin. When i was lonely. and confused. and feeling like everything was pointless. that's how I am right now. Right here. Im lonely. Im confused. I dont understand why i work so fucking hard when ultimately it doesnt matter. I dont understand why it is that whenever i actively try to get someone to like me, it never works out. I dont understand why i can't handle pressure. I dont understand why im such a fucking fuck up. I dont understand why im so fucking unhappy. I dont understand why im so fucking alone. I dont know what the fuck im doing in law school. I dont know what the fuck im doing next year. I dont know who the fuck i am any more. I dont understand why i never see the people i call my friends. I dont understand fucking anything. I'm done. Ive had it. Im finished. life has beaten me. I didnt even make it to 30..... i didnt even make it to 29. this shit isnt worth it. life isnt worth fucking worrying about all teh fucking time. the world is a cold and lonely place. from dirt we are made and to dirt will will return. fucking goddamn. i hate this fucking shit

rent-boy

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose video game machines, cars, MP3 players, and electric can openers. Choose a vegetarian diet, low cholesterol, and health insurance. Choose fixed interest student loans. Choose rental payments. Choose your friends. Choose designer jeans and shiny shoes. Choose a three button, black pin stripe suit complete with matching belt and tie. Choose homework and wondering who the fuck you are every morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking small batch, boutique kettle chips in your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, with no friends, no family, and alone and lonely in a stuffy, ugly room while you eat peanut butter from the jar as you try to prepare for some pointless 'exam' that's really only tests if you can best the person next to you in a game of chance. Choose your future. Choose life. But who would want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reason when you go to law school?

tired

So, the good news is that I'm not nearly as insane as I was last night. The bad news is that I'm still going thru my anxiety thing. I'm no longer pining... and that's good...... I guess that I just felt like realy depressed and really confused and I really wanted someone there just for me. Let's face it, I needed a hug. Hell, i still need a hug

So I haven't written this because its not very real to me yet... but Uncle Bill died. I didn't know Uncle Bill very well... he was just Grandma's brother that I saw once every couple of years or so. But that doesnt mean that he wasnt family. On the contrary, he looked just like dad and grandma... so he was one of us, whether I knew him or not. And he gave me a bull. And I named that bull psychopath. And that's kinda awesome. Good bye Uncle Bill.... i wish I had known you better... I'm glad I got to see you a couple of months ago. Good bye.... the world is short one of my relatives... and that shouldn't be..... I no longer understand anything about life. And I dont understand anything about death. And I dont know why we go on. And I dont know why we strive every day to do something when ultimately, we are just going to leave this world.... ahhhh.. the cruel joke that is human consciousness. Why do we see things? It would be so much better if all we had to worry about is avoiding predators, eating ocassionally, and finding someone to spread our genes with. That is really the only purpose of life, anywya, right? To make sure that your genes are passed on? Right? Instead we can understand our own mortality. and that's awful. So we grasp for something greater than ourselves. LIke a god, or a country, or a football team, or a profession, or something. something that is timeless because we can't handle our or short span. but there is no way to live forever. Even if you make your mark, it is still, ultimately pointless. I dont know what I'm talking about. Im so tired I can't even see what I'm typing right now.

yoooooo darth maul

So, word is that Ray Park, who you SHOULD know as Darth Maul , has been cast as Snake Eyes in the upcomming (and surely crappy) G.I. Joe Movie. (not cobra-la, unfortunately). I have to say, I really love this casting move. He should be great. Tho, I wonder who they are going to be casting as Stormshadow, everyone's favorite Ninja Assassin. Anyway, way to go, at least for this one.

depressed

So, I was depressed last night. I'm still depressed. and that was one depressing post I made. Still, i'm not going to edit it out.... because i don't do that. Just know that i'm not going to kill myself or anything. it's just that things are very hard on me right now and I hate putting on my face for the world. That's why I need my blog. Because my mask can only be on so long. I can only feign calmness or happiness for so many hours in one day. then, i need to come here and just start typing and see what comes out. and that's what came out.

hurts

School hurts my head because I can't figure it out and its all imploding on me. Life hurts my body because I can't sleep when i want to and can't stay awake when i need to. law school hurts my will because it makes me realize how pointless this all is... life hurts my soul because I never make good friends until i leave them. She hurts my heart because she continues to be nice to me and I'm not quite over it yet and makes me realize once again that serendipity is bullshit and that... well... that i'm a friend... and that's good, but being a friend can be lonely too. (give me a couple of days, ok... its been a ruff semester).

double addendum

that sounds like some awesome porno sex position. Anyhoo... just so we are clear, I was right in my earlier post entitled "reflections." Right about the first part, that is, about liking her more than I should because I was setting myself up for failure. I just want all you out there who told me differently to acknowledge my correctness. that's all Im asking for.

addendum

Of course, anyone who reads this blog will know about my little burning torch....

the truth

I don't have time to cogitate on it... and I've wanted to... but I just haven't had time to think about how I am and where I am after my embarrassment the other night. Is it weird that I really want to think about what it means in the sorta mythos that is stephen? Is it because I'm a geek.? Probably. I think its because I'm an INTJ.... from what i've read, we do those kinds of things. Oh well.... it happens, i guess... I think my problem right now is that I'm still holding out hope... Maybe I shouldn't admit to that. But i can't help it. But, being passive and a weird cat and the kind of guy who'd ultimately rather have a friend than a girlfriend, I won't act any differently, and it won't really affect me, but I'll carry a small torch. A very small little torch that no one can see burning... sigh... it sucks to be the duckie... just once i want to be blaine.

no time

can't write much right now. But I have a lot to write. lots going on in my mind. instead, i'll just leave you with this picture.
It's comming back. real soon, like

wow. WoW

So... I saw maybe the best commercial today. I'm embedding it here even tho i know some of you (andrew) have troubles streaming video. dont care. this actually makes me want to play wow again. tho, it looks like they are ripping off apple. I mean, i dont think there is a copyright or tm violation or anything, but its definitely taking that style. any way... damn this is funny.

what's wrong with me

sigh. can't focus on my work.

rejected

So, I definitely need my "to pretty girls: I'm lonely and pathetic, don't talk to me" t-shirt. I don't want to blog this, but I have to. I got shot down today. It was a gentle let down.. but it was a let down nonetheless. Actually, it would have been better if she had just said "I don't like you... go away." But she didn't. And well... the problem is that I don't feel any different. I feel rejected, but I still like her....I don't have the "you suck" sort of feeling. But I don't have the "walking on sunshine sort of feeling" either. I mean, of course its better to know...but its hard too because I don't feel like changing how I'm acting toward her. I don't even feel like I have to. its better to have a friend than not.... that's always true..but, would I have like it to be different... of course..... no question....so I went home, ate a bunch of chex mix... and now i feel sick....and am trying to do some more work before going to bed.... but... well... I'm hurt.... and its not her fault Its mine. for getting my hopes up...... Its like when Marta asked me if all my problems were caused by her. Well, yes.. but they were my problems... and I'd never blame her. Sarah... I know you said you don't read my blog... but, if you do... well... I won't be weird... I'm just going to continue to be me. but, well, its just sometimes hard for us lonely guys... Sometimes I hate being a ducky. the duck man... duck-er-ino.... sometimes, I wish I were more of a james spader... but alas.... the duckman, i am.... sarah... i just hope you understand that while I may need to be sad in my blog here, I'm not at all mad.... just... well... i continue to be alone. and i dont want to be alone. and that's something i've been trying to remedy. and apparently all the girls im into aren't into me. maybe i should set my sights lower. or maybe I should become a monk. or maybe i should just be ok with being alone. gaaaa.... oh well, a new friend who actually wants to spend time with me is actually a really great thing... still.... see below: (I'm off like a dirty shirt.)

"I want you to know: Despite my appearance at this function, I remain now, and will always be, a Duckman."

clarification

Just to be clear... I'm not looking to get married or something. Its just that, I never understood before that there is a difference between liking somone and liking what someone likes. There is a difference, and I think its a serious difference, and I guess I'm only really interested anymore in people who i like, not people who I like what they like. And I'm not interested in fooling myself to thinking that liking someone for what they like is the same thing as liking them....Rebekka taught me that that's not a good idea.

reflections

So, there is only a very short time before finals and I'm not at all ready. Yes, i'm nervous... yes, im denying my lack of preparedness... but I'm not that bothered today. Tonight I went out to dinner with Sarah. And it was great. but i have a little dilemma.... I dont know if its because I'm pathetic. I don't know if its because I'm lonely. I dont know if its because I've been single for so long. I dont know if its because I'm old... but I feel myself liking her more than is healthy for me. Because if it turns out that she's really not interested in anything, well, its going to hurt... Now, I haven't fallen off that cliff yet, but I feel it comming. I'm going to say something. I'm going to say something. I'm going to say something. but not right now. Not until class is over. not until finals are over. Then I'll have the guts.... maybe by then things will have answered for themselves. I mean, if I had to guess, I'd say that she's not sure where i stand either... but I'm just no good at this unsure, tippy toe, courting part of the relationship. I just want to know. Am I barking up the wrong tree? Do I have a chance? Am I doing the right things? I have no idea.

then i stop... or, more acctuatly, i just stopped... and I have to think, am i into her because I'm lonely... or is it because I actually like her... or is it because she's nice to me. The last two girls I've dated have been mistakes for one reason or another.... Rebekka... well, I knew right away that we shouldn't date... but I was lonely. And it hurt in the end. Christine... well, i liked her... but there wasn't much there... it was more me being lonely and having found someone who thought I was physically attractive.... but I'm sick of that... its soooooo unsatisfying.... Sure, we had a good time, but it was ultimately hollow... and i hate the fact that I don't talk with her now... its not that i dont like her or anythings... its more like, we weren't really compatable as friends... not enemies or anything... just two very different people...

and I feel myself going in that direction...What i neeed to do is stop trying... stop thinking about. I need to not worry about it for at least the next 20 days. But I just want to know... I'm tired... I think I'll go to bed early. I was going to throw in a movie. maybe I will still... but i sorta doubt it....

things were so much easier in high school. marta demanded that I go out with her.... Katie jumped on top of me... marta and I didn't break up... So im no good at this beginning part... because I never had a beginning part.. I just skipped all that bullshit. and I wasn't so eager... or anxious.. or something...

ohhhh... what does it matter? Even if i were to start dating someone, I'll most likely be hundreds of miles away next year. hundreds of miles away.... and It will only hurt to move.. sigh.... what the fuck... why can't anything ever be easy?

Indy... please dont suck

So, im very conflicted. Mr. Lucas. Mr. Speilberg.. PLEASE DON'T FUCK UP INDY!!!!! You already have to pretend that the new star wars movies never happened. please don't do it to Indy. Please don't make me kill you. These new photos... looopoook... sweeeeett... please dont fuck it up.

blechjjj

So, I want to take more time to 'smell the rose' as they say. Our lives are some demanding. I spend all of my time working on something. I really just want to go out and walk on a trail.

hrmmm....????......hrmmmm.....

So, as is common on sunday mornings, I don't feel like working yet, so I'm going to blog. I know that my blogs are pretty routinely depressing, and I think that stems from a few factors. First, I often blog late at night when I'm all alone and its dark and I kinda just want to talk to someone. So, i'm depressed. Second, I often blog when I have something that I need to say, and often what I need to say is depressing. Third, I'm a depressive. Once the school year is over until january, I'll try to be more positive here.
Anyway, today's ok. I rode my bike to stauf's, so that's kinda awesome. But anyway, under Kathryn's advisement, I checked out match.com.... I'm not planning on following up anything on it, I'm still trying to 'old fasioned' method, but I did check it out......and I've noticed one thing that's a little curious. Like all the girls on it list "long hair" as a turn-off... hrmmmm... I mean, a specific turn off. now... i can understand not really wanting long hair... but i mean, a turn off. hrmmmmm...anyway, it hardly matters.... old fashioned way still working on it... it'll work work work...

anyway, i suppose that I should do work. so that's what I'm going to do. I'll probably post again later... maybe from a propo.

down like a clown

Long day of work. Just finished. going to bed. but have to brush teeth... so, stalling... because getting ready for bed sounds like a lot of work right now. I really should have done laundry... no socks. maybe i'll just buy socks tomorrow. Then i can put off laundry for another couple of days. Got some good work done today. Tomorrow has to be even better. So, I'm locking myself in my cave--the journal office. I like it when no one's there, but tnight the lights where humming and crushed my head. tired. tired... should just go to bed. seeing family and friends was nice... wish it was recharging... but instead it just reminded me of the conflicts... I like columbus more than i have at any time in the past. I've got stauf's, friends, some stableness, a possibly viable prospect for dating... but I'm moving away... it seems that everytime things start to get comfortable. Things start to feel normal... it gets taken away. Sure, its my fault this time... but still... still... god, i wonder what would have happened if borders had promoted me... woudl I be living in ann arbor right now? would I be a manger... I think its a possibility that I'd be in ann arbor... am i better off now? Will I be better off next year? tired tired tired... sleepy.. and wishing that I wasn't alone. Its not that I'm lonely..... its more like, I haven't used my voice for many hours...and I probably won't tomorrow very much... lock myself in the journal office.... no talky for a while, i guess.. oh well, tired tired tired.. neeeeeed to sleep... wish post was more interesting.

turkey day!

So, despite the amazing amounts of work I have to do, I decided to go home for turkey day... However, I'll be headed back to cbus later this evening.... provided there isn't a blizzard or something. Right now, its snowing a bit, so that's a distinct possibility Still, I've driven thru some awful weather, so maybe I shouldn't be worried too to much. Things right now are ok. I've gotten some work done, but not worked on my paper which I really need to focus on starting tonight. so, instead, I've been studying for patents... its going a bit ruff... lots o info.

I think I've cajoled jason into reading this blog now... so that's exciting. hanging out with him last night was awesome. Old friends are basically incomparable.... And i was thinking, I've actually known Jason now for more than 7 years. bordering on 8, actually. that's a shit load of time... and makes me say 'where the fuck has the time gone' yet again. Kathryn tries to tell me i'm not old... but the reason I feel so old is because I haven't even kinda begun a real life yet... and I won't begin a real life for another 6 years... I guess that part of the reason I've been so anxious about Sarah is not just because I haven't dated in so long...but its because I'd like something stable in my life. As bad as some of the times with Marta were, at least she was awesome that she always wanted to talk to me and always wanted to see me. It was stable. it was real. and it was consistent. And it was nice to feel wanted. Now, well, I know that some people would worry about me if I wasn't around for a couple of days, but I really can't prove it..... and I guess that's it... I feel old because i'm 'behind' where I imagined my life at this point and because I'm taking steps to just stretch that out.... talking with Jason, its tru, I'd like to just work and make money and not worry too much about stuff... but, some sort of egoism is forcing me to stay in school,learn something cool, and get that phd, and teach... i know that I could be happy just working some job that pays well enough to buy my cds once a week... but my ego won't let me... I want to be more tao. I want to get rid of humanly wants..... but I just can't sem to cast my ego away...not yet anyway.

so, on a final note, I think I'm going to post over at myspace more frequently. The fact that people comment on my posts over there makes me feel nice.. makes me remember that people actually do care enough to read this drivel. And, I secretly hope that Sarah reads it. Because I've been awkward recently because I dont know what she thinks and I just can't seem to spit out what I want to.

ok.. back to patents... happy tofurkey day

I r in your branez, stealin you will to work

So, i can't seem to work this minute, so I'm taking some time and writing a blog post. To be totally truthful, I really just wanted to post that pic. Pretty cool, dontchathink? So, there it is...

a little bit about Iron Chef Michael Symon

I really hope they dub him Iron Chef Midwest. And all he makes is corn dogs, eggs over easy, and his own brewed faygo. A quote from our new Iron Chef: "I'm going to rip it up today. I'm going to rip. Kitchen Stadium. Up. Who's your daddy?" That's money.

hope.... :(

I often think about how unfortunate it is that we are human. Sure, we have neat-o things like movies and the Nintendo Wii... but really, for my money, I think it'd be better if we were more like other animals. Today, I'm thinking mostly of the peculiar human condition of hope. I'm sure it comes form the human grasp of the future. That there is something out there to reach for. That things can be better. But I wish I could just live in the present. I wish my main concerns were finding food to eat and getting someone to let me outside because either I have to pee or because there is someone out there that I need to harass. Instead, i'm stuck with hope. But its the terrible kind of hope. Because I think that there are at least 2 ways that hope can manifest. One is the "OMG it would be so sweet if this happens" hope. I think that Libby feels that way every time you walk to the door. "OMG it would be totally sweet if he opened that door open openopenopenopen." But then there is the depressed sort of hope. "God I hope this happens.. but I know it won't." Now, at first, I would have said depression is the opposite of hope. But I now realize that they are actually closely related. At least, sorta. Depression is, in someways, hopelessness. But in others, it is like unrealistic hope. It is hoping but knowing that it can't happen. And that's probably the worst thing that hope can do to you. It makes you see a rosy future then takes it away from you. Evilly. I hate 'getting my hopes up' because I've learned that everytime I do, they are dashed on the rocks. And i feel my hope building for a couple of things right now.... and it scares me. frightens me.... because i know that all my hopes will fall.

oh god, please don't suck

Apparently, the Ghostbusters 3 video game is totally a go. Penned by Dan (the man) Akaroyd and Haris Ramis (the authors of the original movies), and with the voice talents of Akaroyd, Ramis, Bill Mury, and Ernie "I hate Jello" Hudson, this game has some real potential. Potential to SUCK!!!! that is... ugh... I want this one to be good. Look at that FUCKING PICTURE!!! GAHHHH!!! it looks sweet. Please don't fuck this one up. Please please please.

quick post

As if I didn't already love japan, i just learned that they have a toy gun that shoots cute pink teddy bears... holy fucking shit... i can't stop laughing.

yay???

Is it foolish of me to give out my blog name to everyone? Ive been thinking about that recently. I mean, my blog is very not hard to find...if you know my name, you can find me. I mean, look at the url, for god's sake. But, yeah, so I mentioned it to Sarah yesterday...and I don't really regret it... but then again, I'm not sure I'd like her to read my post from the other day. hrmmmm... it certainly is a quandry... yup.... well.. I've decided that I don't care... This is stream of consciousness, free flowin' Stephen. And like beer, apple cider, and cigarettes, I prefer the unfiltered varieties... Because this space is for my bitching.... I hope that other people read it and laugh ocassionally...but ultimately I don't care.

So, anyway, I did go out with Sarah last night.... and well, still confused-sauce... but not really in bad way. I get a lot of the 'you're so nice' kinda stuff... Which is a fine thing to say, except its not always a compliment....yeah i'm nice... what do you expect, for me to be mean to you? Seriously now. But anyhoo... so we went out, under the pretense of doing work... and not surprisingly, no work was done... just a lot of chit chat.... and man, i had a great time. In fact, I awoke this morning after less than 6 hours of sleep feeling totally awesome! refreshed... ahhh... generally good outlook toward life.... ahhhh... yuppers... (of course, I'm not doing any work right now... but that will start soon enough). And of course, I didn't just ask... I was about to... I started to.. then I stopped... I will... maybe... could happen. We have tentative plans to go out later this week... sigh.....

on a final note, I think Bone Thugs 'N Harmony said it best: High techs and khakis when jackin, sawed-off, theres really no place to run. Niggas get vicious with my clique is. even the bitches carry guns. Basically, if you don't get it, Cleveland is so hard, EVEN THE BITCHES CARRY GUNS!!! Holy shit, that's one fucker of a towne (note the joking). But seriously... Cleveland rules. Westest of the East, Eastest of the Midwest, and the last line of defense against the Canadian Hordes (methinks we should consider a modern Hadrian's wall... wait, fuck that... even the bitches carry guns in cleveland... we'll hold off those hockey stick weilding, abOOt saying, back bacon eating bastards.). And now, even tho our sports teams are not so great, and even tho we broke murder records this summer, and even tho we are currently the 4th poorest big city in teh nation, and even tho our population is dwindling, we are officially the home town of the NEWEST IRON CHEF!!!! FUCK YEAH!!!! Welcome, Iron Chef Slovak (I'm just makign that part up... I dont' know what they'll call him) Michael Symon.... C-Towne Borne and bred.... you fucking rule..... and lemme tell you, he'll never lose, because if he does, his homies will roll in and bust a cap in the ass of his challenger. fuck yeah

confused zor

So, it's 2am and Im just getting home. Normally, I'd consider that a good thing. And it's defintitely not a bad thing. But i'm a little confused. So, I've been avoiding posting about her because I didn't really think that it mattered at all. And now that i think that it doesnt matter at all even more, I've decided to post for real...There is this girl... Sarah... and we've been getting along great. and She encouraged me to come out tonight. and it was great. I had a lot of fun. But i'm super confused right now. I thought at first the reason that she asked me out was that she was she was interested in me. Now, i think it may be that she just likes me 'as a friend' as they say. Which is ok. I like friends. I like girls being my friends. But the problem is that i got hope. Normally, I really good at shooting down hope as soon as it pokes its nasty head up there. Normally I shoot down any sexual feelings I have, any stupid crushes, and just go with the fact that 'she doesnt like me like that... but this girl... this one.. her... I couldn't.... and tonight I think was a definite downer for me. I mean, I had a good time... but well, I was hoping (there is that damn hope again) for evidence of something more. And well... I just took her friend home and am about to go to bed.... and the last thing she said to me was "you're nice to go out with." There is this other guy too who clearly was intersted in her... and I can't tell what to do... Aaron... I should just say something... I should do it... because if I don't, i'm just going to go nuts... ugh.. why does this all have to be so complex? I like her.... I'd like to spend more time with her... I just don't want anything to get weird.... I'd like her to like me back.... but i need to start living in reality... things are not like that.... I'm back to being Duckie... I'm the eccentric friend who doesnt get molly ringwald. And that's ok...but it can be a little lonely... .ultimately a little lonely. I'd like a friend... but I haven't had a girl friend in years.... and not one that i really cared about deeply in even longer.... and well, its making me sad.... I'm old... I want someone to want me... what's wrong with me... I make friends... people seem to like me... but no girl... I'm tired. I'm not sober... I'm going to bed.

i know what i miss

I miss times just sitting around and bull shitting... I miss it sooooo much... Its so rare no a days that I actually don't have anything else on my mind so I can just sit around and bullshit... nope... now a days all I think about is what else I have to do, what i could be doing, and why I'm not enjoying myself (which is a sadly true and awful cycle). But i miss those times. I need that again... god i hope i get into this program at brown.... god i hope so... fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.....so distracted today... fuck fuck fuck fuck...that's what I like about stauf's... there is alot of bullshitting that goes on... and sometimes I get to join in.... but these days, its rarer than I'd like it to be.... just too much to do.... so, I'm avoiding it... ugh...that's sad for me

Friday Morning not doing work post

So, apparently, the Decemberists canceled their concerts that were supposed to be in Columbus next week. I was all about going and trying to force someone to come with me... But the screw up my plans. So, instead I'm listening to the Crane Wife and blogging about how much I'd really like to see them live. This album really is really good. As Kevin and I have called it: Dikensian Prog-Folk-Rock. I actually think that's a pretty good description. Maybe add another modifier like self important. or something about rhyming coriander with salamander. Dunno..... but yea... I think this is shaping up to be a lonely weekend for stephen. My wow Account just expired and I don't think I'm going to renew...at least not before December. Tho, I could change my mind... since, as I said... lonely weekend. I wanted to go home... but work and gas prices that are far more than I should pay told me to just stay here...... and well, I'm still hopeful that I'll go out with someone. I mean, realistically, that's probably not going to happen. My main goals for today are to work hard then go and buy Ratatoullie. 'Cause its great!!!! And finish my personal statements.... that's a biggie... oh well.. maybe I'll post again later. I just hop I dont have to eat dinner alone tonight.... that's the dream here.... maybe that will happen... maybe not... who knows?

well... its official

It's official. I'm not going to Stauf's nearly as frequently as I used to. Today was sort of awful. NO work done. People won't leave me alone... sort of embarrassing. No work done.... really bad. no more stauf's... sigh.

huh? wa? ohhhhhhh

So, im looking outside, thinking, why the fuck is it so dark? then i remember... ahh.. the one hazard of fall back. oh well

oh the injustice

I just read that Katie Holmes ran in the NYC marathon this past weekend. It has been one of my life goals for many years now to be a marathoner... specifically, i want to run in the Boston....And every time I read about someone just going out there and finishing on, i get super jealous.. but this post isn't about my jealousy.. not really anyway... its really about the fact that it took her 5.5 hours to finish! what the fuck? A paraplegic infant could finish in 5.5 hours. That's 12.35 miles... So I wonder if she trained at all, or she just said a couple of weeks ago "i'm famous... i could run this thing...." and she went ahead and did it... and if that's the case, then I say, Oh the injustice... Because, even while a paraplegic infant could finish faster than katie holmes, I could not... stupid knees... I've had knee problems now for i think about 5 years.. maybe 6. I've lost track... and I've had it...I wonder if I can get cut open? fix my goddamn knee! fix it fix it fix it fix it! gah... further proof that either (a) god hates me or (b) god is malicious and gets off on causing pain and despair. Because i'm filled with both....

addendum

I just feel like life is passing me by as I mope around all sad and shit.... what the fuck? I don't even know what i want anymore.... did i ever know?

le weekend

So, I'm not realy sure what's wrong wtih me any more. I spent this weekend stressing out and being pissy... and did I even get done what I needed to get done? Of course not. Really, all I accomplished was to increase my stress levels and got pissier.
I'm at that point where I really want to run away from school, from life, from ohio, from everything. I really don't know what's up
On the plus side, I have been to the movies several times recently. Last weekend, Nooree was nice enough to go to Nightmare 3D with me (thanks Nooree, it was awesome of you) and this week, Sean and Suzi both were caught by my incessant nagging about how awesome it is. 'cause its awesome.
I really do think I'd be happy at that program at brown. But, It'd be super hard. I have no production background. No educational background. All I am is a crappy lawyer who won't admit it yet. I haven't told anyone yet, but I've been looking at doing an LLM next year and then maybe (maybe) working as an attorney after that. I could do IP! I don't hate it. Sure, I may hate myself for copping out, and hate my job, but I wouldn't hate the part where I actually started paying off my loans.
Its not like me to worry so much about loans. It didn't start realy until just the past couple of weeks. When I realized that I will be in debt forever. And the only work experience I have paid me just barely enough to live at home. I really dont want to be 30 and living with mom and dad and working some shit job, after going thru 3 years of mental hell. This whole school thing has been a terrible experience in almost every way possible--good god, please dont let that happen.
So, i'm lookiing at jobs teaching high school. It sounds pretty terrible. Actually, that's not fair.... it only sounds terrible because I'll have a JD. Normally, law school is what teachers do to escape teaching.... not the other way around.
Then, last night, I went out to Spagio's with Simon and Sarah.... Again, I'm not quite sure what's wrong with me. I've been whinning for so long that i have nothing to do and no one to do it with... and for the past 2 weeks I've actually dont things with people... yet, after I left last night, I was like really super alone...I went home and went to bed and all I really wanted to do was stay up all night and watch movies with someone...
That's the best part of winter vacation. Late nights watching shitty TV with Andrew.... Those days are at an end, i guess....
I want to grow up... why can't I? I don't understand why I cant let go of the past.. is that normal? I don't think so.... I don't know
Mike's been trying to encourage me to ask more women out... ok, that's not quite true... he's been trying to get me to ask anyone out... What's weird about this is that its very unmike.... Maybe he's lonely out there in Iowa, espeically now that he's single. I dunno. But its definately very unmike...I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. is it because we are both getting old? I've known mike now for i think 17 years. that's a scarey thought.
Kathryn told me I should try match.com. I don't think I'm that lonely yet.
And Gender is making me think about sad times.... about 'teh dark times' as I call them. Why can't I just let go of the past.
I need a dog. I miss Libby. I hope that whereever I go next year, I can take Yoshii. Oddly, tho, i'm lonely but i dont really want to be around people. Well, I would like maybe a family group hug. Kathryn, we miss you. I once read that we should hug more because it would be good for us as people. I'm kinda worried that my stress and that whole no-eating thing from a few years back are going to kill my heart way earlier than they should. So, maybe I need a hug.... Or just a libby. Either way, I'm thinking I'm shit out of luck.

new new plan

fuck it.

admittedly

yes... i'm being overly dramatic. fine... criticism accepted... i wish i wasn't such a drama king (?). such a sally.... but i look at my uncles and i think they gave up. mike was a musician. dan finally stopped practicing law.... i wish i could just give in...

new plan

Find something I don't hate and that pays me well enough to slowly pay my loans, buy a cd once a week, and own a dog. its time to stop pretending that i want to go to grad school. I don't have a 'passion' for poli sci.... I just think i'd enjoy teaching. i have a 'passion' for spending quality time on my bike, with my dog, with my family, playing video games... I just think i'd enjoy teaching. but I'll never get there so its time to be realistic. 100K debt scares me...... my seething hatred of the law is palpable. time to stop fucking around and to start growing up... apparetnly i've been wrong my whole life: growing up IS giving up. giving up your dreams. fuck

everyone say a super happy congrats to suzi and sean

So, I need to post this. Sean proposed to Suzi today!!!! yay!!! it was pretty awesome, I have to say. I'm excited for them...... awesomeness. They will officially be the second and 3rd people whom I know to get married. I think that's a bit odd. I'm 29... I've known a lot of people, yet of all those people, only Sara got married.... odd... but actually, fewer and fewer people I know are even dating right now... odd... Because, i mean, andrew and kathryn, we all come from a successful, happy family.. you think we'd be better at it then we are... ok, kathryn, i suppose its not your fault... but what the hell are we up to andrew?

i still can't figure out why I've been so lonely recently... its really kinda lame... its been bad.... hrmmmm... maybe I'll shake it off tomorrow...

tomorrow I'm going to see the Nightmare before Christmas in 3D!!!!! I tried to convince Nooree to go with me... and I think she may actually (come on, Nooree, you know you want to), but the truth is, I'm going either way... its awesome. and i needs me some clay animate morose humor musical... odd, normally i dont really care about seeing movies by myself, but whenever a 3D one come around I try to corral as many people as I can, and no one is ever interested. HOW CAN YOU NOT BE INTERESTED IN 3D!!!?!?!?!?!? IT RULES!!!

I had plans to write more in this blog, but I'm tired... and this post sucks. I think I'll just stop, i guess. i do like the picture for today, tho.

ugh... saturday

So, I'm fed up. This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone reading, of course.....and so its probably a little redundant to mention it, but I just can't seem to perk myself up. I've been working at a murderous clip and right now, i just can't seem to force myself to do anything. I've got so much work to do that I can't do anything. It's a shite state of affairs. I really want to go home. I want to hang out with mom and dad and andrew and then the family tomorrow, but I know that if I leave, i will absolutly get nothing done. As it stands right now, I may still be able to eek out some work... just not this second. But if I leave, its done... it will just be staying up late and watching tv with andrew and not doing my application, and not outlining, and not working on journal.

Oh, Journal. I hate journal. I spent approximately 40+ over the past week on one article. Its been insane.... I can't continue with this... I need to do the things I actually need to do, not this bullshit. I feel bad because a bit bitchy to Erin earlier, but i just can't take it... I'm ready to snap.
Oh, and I asked that girl out.... well, truth be told, I sent her an email asking if she wanted to go out to dinner.... and no response... at all... not even a 'go to hell, fucker' or a 'with you? ick!' So I think that the silence is actually really bad, at least for me. As I said the other day, I would prefer brutal honesty... But I just don't get women. I don't. non scio. wakarimasen. i don't know. That whole thing would be a lot easier if one of two things were true: 1. people were super open/honest about it.... and it was socially 'ok' to be that open. 2. we all had thought bubbles that popped over our heads that revealed out inner workings, comic style. But no... neither is going to happen any time soon.... I'm not really that torn up about the whole girl thing-to be honest, i'm no fun right now and I barely have time to sleep any more-but it unfortunately just fits in with how everything has been for me recently. In a word: frustrating....

This really has been a terrible semester for me emotionally. I'm trying to shake it off, but i can't. So I've been spending money in some vein attempt to cheer myself up (a habit of mine) and its just not working, so I spend more money, and it doesn't work, then I get depressed about how much money i've spent... ugh.

Two positive notes: first, I went to whole foods to try their pizza the other day. and it was fan fucking tastic. I got the vegan one-balsamic roasted portabellos (which normally I dont care for so much) and garlic.... the sauce was nice and salty, the mushrooms were perfectly done, and the garlic was super tasty (normally I dont like too much garlic). Next time I remember, I'll take a picture. second, Suzi, Sean, and I all have tenative plans to see the Nightmare before Christmas in 3D next week. I saw it last year, and it ruled. so, if I can make it till then without combusting or somethign, and if they are still up for it. that should be awesome. Actually, i'l go by myself even if they don't want to go. Its sweet.

ugh... ok, enough fuckign around. back to work.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

Now she's trashing him for being trashy and stupid and she's like a model fucking citizen and how much better she is than him and how much better HE IS NOW because they are dating. I hate her. I hate her with all my heart and soul. I'm trying to kill her with my mind right now. SCAN SCAN SCAN SCAN SCAN SCAN SCAN SCAN !!!! Holy goddamn!

i fucking hate people

SO I'm sitting here at Stauf's listening to a couple have a fight. Some young couple...no older than mid 20s... and one of her complaints is that she has female friends on face book and he doesn't list her as his main squeeze on face book, but he is only 'in a relationship.' She seems to have 5 male friends on facebook and that is a problem for him. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!? GROW THE FUCK UP!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!! IT'S FUCKING FACEBOOK!!!! This is the single most retarded thing I've ever listening to. And, she's wearing a Harvard sweatshirt. Goodgod I hope she didn't go to Harvard, or I am truly stupid because I have to be smarter than her, and I couldnt' get into harvard.... so maybe im not smarter than her... maybe I'm actually more retarded... holy fuck! I need them to die right now.

...because I don't quite feel like going to bed

I have nothing to write really... nice evening... didn't get nearly as much done as I should have, but perhaps that's why it was nice.... more than perhaps, methinks... Oh, and I'm pretty sure that I struck out swinging... I was really hoping for a foul tip or something to keep the at-bat alive, but it doesn't look like it. And there's no coaches challenge in this game... oh well..... I don't feel really bothered right now... I hope things stay that way... I think they will, at least until school starts up again. I will say, I feel a bit like Jason right now.. He was a bit prophetic... This is all probably very confusing to anyone reading this but me, but I don't feel like going into it.

tomorrow... party... fun fun... 80s night... stephen is bad dancer... he's no tiny dancer, that's fo' damn sure.... :)

patents and gender tomorrow... needs to get done-zor... done-sauce... basically, i just need to learn them... good luck me... good night mooon.

chilly (with a y)

So, its cold today. Cold in a good way, tho... the past few days in the high 80s-90s was just wrong. I shouldn't turn on the A/C in October. However, I unfortunately did not prepare for just how chilly it would be today. And I'm not dressed for the weather. So I'm a bit cold.

Yesterday I took the GRE... felt ok... not stellar. Not too bad. just fine.

Also, went to dinner... sadly alone. I tried get someone to go with me, but that didn't work out. Oh well, I wasn't really expecting anything.

And saw The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters. Its this documentary about the greatest Donkey Kong player in the world ever and a challenge to his throne.

It was awesome. I'll do a proper write up when I get the chance. Right now I'm just checking in while I decide what my next move is as far as studying goes. I've got so much to do, I'm not quite sure what I want to do next. ugh...

Journal is really killing me a bit. I can't believe how much work it is. I just put about 30+ hours in to one article and now I've learned that there is a new verison of the article, possiblly screwing up a lot of the work that's already been done. I'm so frustrated I could scream. I can't even decide what to do. I need to focus on school--journal has to be secondary. sorry journal. sorry Erin.. fuck you prof. swire. If I could quickly draw up an ascii middle finger, i would.

ugh... i feel tired all of a sudden... oh well, back to work, i guess. Maybe whole foods pizza for dinner? maybe that will make me feel better. Its Frank's birthday, and he invited me out with him and his friends, but I just dont think I can. ugh... I really need this year to calm down and give me a chance to catch up.

an odd thought

Still on the dating thing (it's been on my mind, what can I say)... I'm sitting right next to some couple who is clearly on a first date.... perhaps a blind date even. Perhaps even met on the internet. And few things make me want to date less than this... I can't handle how annoying the 'getting to know you' phase it... goddamn... that's why its so much better to actually know the person you are dating... And at the same time, maybe that means that its better to date now rather than later... because, well, these people are pathetic.... ugh..... I hope it works out for them... but like an interview, I'm personally of the opinion that you should be much more honest. "look, this isn't going to work out... I'm happy to have coffee with you, but lets be honest with ourselves and just go separate ways after tonght." It would work so well in teh interview world and in the dating world.... brutal honesty... sure, it'll suck up front, but down the road, i'm telling you, its way better.

sunday sunday sunday... we'll sell you the whole seat, but you'll only need, THE EDGE!!!!!!!

So, its time for the NEW READER update.... While she hasn't posted a comment yet to alert you all of her existence, she is a reader and thus deserves HER VERY OWN PROFILE, written by none other than yours truly

Name: Susan 'Suzi' (middle name unknown, so I'll guess) Elizabeth Schmidt
Title: Doctor-Doctor
Alternate title: D2R2
place of birth: unknown--guess: some suburb of columbus
current residence: C-bus, baby!!!!
eyes: brown (?)
hair: brown (do i know anyone who doesnt have brown hair?)
likes: fighting cancer, the buckeyes, Chiplote, felafel, dirty gurrlscouts (YEAH!!! who doesn't love a good dirty girl scout), pear sorbet Sean (her hammer tossin'/rock climbin'/chocolate lovin' man).
dislikes: ice cream with chunks, bagels with seeds, Michigan, when stephen is overly wussy, when stauf's is overly busy, Bo Yu, people who are high on themselves.
quote: "I'm just pretending to not listen (here with my headphones on), but in reality, I'm totally paying attention and waiting to throw in a burning zinger... tee hee"

Meeting our hero in his favorite hang out earlier this year, Suzi and Stephen soon became 'those people who sit in the same spots every day which happen to be right next to each other.' Something of a Stauf's Satler and Waldorf. But times are a'chanin' a bit. the second half of 2008 is a bit of a change of pace for this dual degree student. For the past two years, she's been in medical doctor school, but she has officially begun her 'more normal' life as a philosopher doctor student. After kicking some super tuff medical test-thing, she's now fully dedicated to looking thru microscopes for the next 4 years or so....... Smart, funny, and fun, the world is her oyster (I don't understand that phrase, but I'm goign to use it anyway).... and on top of everything, she dates a guy (Sean) who is really cool in his own right... yupppp, except for the excessive amounts of work, everything seems groovy on the Suzi front. And now she has joined our illustrious ranks (which is easily is the best resume filler that anyone can have)... (oh...and because I'm evil) there is a least one picture of her on the internet that is pretty easy to find (and not on facebook or something).

A quick note for Suzi... the other day Suzi took some time to 'encourage' me to grow some ballz and ask this girl out..... and she also encouraged everyone else in stauf's at the time to help 'encourage' me.... and I think she was worried that she offended me... But she should know that I realize that i'm a big sissy. And maybe one day I'll be man enough to actually ask... but right now. well, i'm a sissy...

actually, i said this to Phil the other day, and its an excuse, but I think its sadly true. I've been so busy recently that I dont have the time or energy to deal with 'dating.' A 'date' for me would be like 'hey baby, lets go sit in a coffee shop and read!' That's hot. oooooo..... I would especially have a hard time dating someone who didnt understand my insanity and who didn't understand the pressures that school/law school can put on you (me). And, one thing I didn't say to phil, is that I always get a little more scared when I'm feeling a little bit more lonely, because I don't want to go thru that whole dependency thing again... that hurt... and, the last long term relationship i was in I basically got into because I was lonely. And I made a lot of bad decisions becasue of that... I was blind to reality... and it really hurt in the end. guh.... anyhoo... i'm outtie.

Stephen: Rockin' the sexy calves since 1999!; or, that which does not kill us only makes us weakened for the next attack

My seat is taken and hence I can't focus. Its a little odd, but I need to be in my spot to do work.... Actually, I'm probably going to have to avoid Stauf's a little more than normal simply because of the unbelievable amounts of work I have to do. Under normal circumstances, I do a lot of work at Stauf's, but, as Martin Lawrence once remarked "shit just got real..." and I think I may have to lock myself in the journal office from now until december.

Tuesday is my GRE date. I wish I felt more ready than I do. But well, the math is just frustrating for me. That's it. frustrating. and takes too long for a time pressured exam. Then, shortly after the test, I need to finish up some applications. I basically am giving myself 2 weeks to get them done. I can't take any longer than that or they will just get in the way of my school.

I've been in a funk today. Which is sorta odd. Last night was really nice: went out for dinner with Suzi and Sean and then came back to the staufice and did a little work and then watched crappy music videos with some peeps here. But I work up annoyed, tired, and depressed..... oh well.... and being told that my life is pretty good doesnt really help. I mean, that's fine.. I accept that objectively speaking, things are pretty good for me... except for that whole school/life thing. But The truth is, when it comes to depression, objective truth about your life doesnt really matter. All that matters is your subjective perception of your situation. And I just can't help but feel old and aloof. I just do. I know I'm not old, but I'm not at all where I "envisioned" myself being at any stage of my life. I can't say with certainty where I imagined my life heading, but it certainly wasn't alone and lonely sitting in a coffee shop blogging about being depressed. That was definitely not in the book. But I have a feeling that we've gone off script. And the director (me) has lost all control over the actors (also me.. but a crappier part of me). Like George Lucas, I want to go back and issue a new and improved special edition of my life and pretend that the old one doesnt xist, or at least, its not canon: now Stephen doesn't lose his mind, now he just takes a path and walks it, now he doesnt fuck up his body time and time again, this time Johnny Depp plays Stephen and he's way more suave. Alright, I know that I whine and complain, and its all because I just can't wrap my mind around my own life. I suppose this is a common thing: you can see the path for others, but not the one in front of you. My eyes are damned to the truth.


I've remarked on this before, but I'm going to say it again: I used to be much better at being alone than I am now. Now, for some reason, the extreme loneliness of my apartment just kills me. It shouldn't be that way... I don't get it. Maybe its because I feel old. Maybe its because there was a time when I always had people to hang out with and being alone was mor eof a choice. But ugh...

I've also decided that I dont' understand what I'm doing thinking about getting a PhD and going to law school and all that jazz.... Is it for me? Do I actually want to do it? Or is it to achieve some nebulous conception of 'worth' that I dont' feel like I've lived up to? I should just work a job and play video games and read books and one day die... because what I'm doing right now is only a lot of stress and annoyance.. and lets be honest, life should be about maximizing the times that you feel happy and minimizing the times that you feel sad. I wish I were more tao. I wish I were an artist. I wish my major talents weren't brooding and bitterness. I wish I could be more positive.

I just realized something. And epiphany. Marta used to really hate the part of me that needs answers. That craves the ability to logic out a situation. Things that don't intuitively 'make sense' to me are almost painful to me. Which is a real problem because life doesn't make sense. I guess Marta had it right all along... Unfortunately, now I'm more moody and I STILL hate it when things don't make sense.

The end of my days with long hair is nigh. I really want to donate it. If I have to wait to cut it off, I will... but I'm hoping that a salon will tell me that I can just take it down to the scalp...

So, on a positive note, I have a new reader, I think. You know I love my readers (all 6 of you). Everyone welcome Suzi and expect a profile of her tomorrow (or today, if I can't seem to do work).