My seat is taken and hence I can't focus. Its a little odd, but I need to be in my spot to do work.... Actually, I'm probably going to have to avoid Stauf's a little more than normal simply because of the unbelievable amounts of work I have to do. Under normal circumstances, I do a lot of work at Stauf's, but, as Martin Lawrence once remarked "shit just got real..." and I think I may have to lock myself in the journal office from now until december.
Tuesday is my GRE date. I wish I felt more ready than I do. But well, the math is just frustrating for me. That's it. frustrating. and takes too long for a time pressured exam. Then, shortly after the test, I need to finish up some applications. I basically am giving myself 2 weeks to get them done. I can't take any longer than that or they will just get in the way of my school.
I've been in a funk today. Which is sorta odd. Last night was really nice: went out for dinner with Suzi and Sean and then came back to the staufice and did a little work and then watched crappy music videos with some peeps here. But I work up annoyed, tired, and depressed..... oh well.... and being told that my life is pretty good doesnt really help. I mean, that's fine.. I accept that objectively speaking, things are pretty good for me... except for that whole school/life thing. But The truth is, when it comes to depression, objective truth about your life doesnt really matter. All that matters is your subjective perception of your situation. And I just can't help but feel old and aloof. I just do. I know I'm not old, but I'm not at all where I "envisioned" myself being at any stage of my life. I can't say with certainty where I imagined my life heading, but it certainly wasn't alone and lonely sitting in a coffee shop blogging about being depressed. That was definitely not in the book. But I have a feeling that we've gone off script. And the director (me) has lost all control over the actors (also me.. but a crappier part of me). Like George Lucas, I want to go back and issue a new and improved special edition of my life and pretend that the old one doesnt xist, or at least, its not canon: now Stephen doesn't lose his mind, now he just takes a path and walks it, now he doesnt fuck up his body time and time again, this time Johnny Depp plays Stephen and he's way more suave. Alright, I know that I whine and complain, and its all because I just can't wrap my mind around my own life. I suppose this is a common thing: you can see the path for others, but not the one in front of you. My eyes are damned to the truth.
I've remarked on this before, but I'm going to say it again: I used to be much better at being alone than I am now. Now, for some reason, the extreme loneliness of my apartment just kills me. It shouldn't be that way... I don't get it. Maybe its because I feel old. Maybe its because there was a time when I always had people to hang out with and being alone was mor eof a choice. But ugh...
I've also decided that I dont' understand what I'm doing thinking about getting a PhD and going to law school and all that jazz.... Is it for me? Do I actually want to do it? Or is it to achieve some nebulous conception of 'worth' that I dont' feel like I've lived up to? I should just work a job and play video games and read books and one day die... because what I'm doing right now is only a lot of stress and annoyance.. and lets be honest, life should be about maximizing the times that you feel happy and minimizing the times that you feel sad. I wish I were more tao. I wish I were an artist. I wish my major talents weren't brooding and bitterness. I wish I could be more positive.
I just realized something. And epiphany. Marta used to really hate the part of me that needs answers. That craves the ability to logic out a situation. Things that don't intuitively 'make sense' to me are almost painful to me. Which is a real problem because life doesn't make sense. I guess Marta had it right all along... Unfortunately, now I'm more moody and I STILL hate it when things don't make sense.
The end of my days with long hair is nigh. I really want to donate it. If I have to wait to cut it off, I will... but I'm hoping that a salon will tell me that I can just take it down to the scalp...
So, on a positive note, I have a new reader, I think. You know I love my readers (all 6 of you). Everyone welcome Suzi and expect a profile of her tomorrow (or today, if I can't seem to do work).
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