hrm

As if the heavens are conspiring to make me contemplative and insecure about my relationship siwht my friend and family, this past week has done exactly that, continuing the 30th year trend.

This past saturday at the funeral made me, again, aware of how dichotomous my life is. I suppose this is true for many, if not most people. But it's something that never fails to give me pause. I want to leave, move far away, start over, be someone else; but at the same time, I really truly love my friends and family and I need them and i want to be with them. Part of me is extremely materialistic--I want goodies, toys, CDs, DVDs, cars, bikes. And the other part of me was looking into volunteer projects across the world (another idea that's been put on indefinite hold). And now, part of me exists before this thing, and part of me exists after. And the people from columbus all sort of symbolize my life after this thing, to me, because they never knew dad, and they never will. I talked enough of Suzi, Sean, and Nooree, that even forgetful dad would have known who they were. I can't count how many times I said to each of them "when you meet my dad, you'll understand," because he was a hard guy to explain. Mike, on the other hand, represents the me before this thing. And it was great that he was there. But, as if to further represent this dichotomy, I couldn't bring them together. Not that i expected them all to come out with us, but it would have been nice. It would have been nice to try to unite 2 parts of me, even if just symbolically. And I doubt I'll get the chance again...at least, not any time soon.

That, tho, is sorta how things have always been for me. I've always run with a few different crowds. At different times, they've come together, sorta, but they're still separate worlds. My Gilmour Friends and my chagrin friends; the guys at Gilmour and the girls. The Oberlin people and my home life. Now, law school and non law school. Or better, cleveland and columbus. I don't know what it means. I don't know that it means anything. but it makes me think. All of you mean so much to me...all of you...not just because of this...it's just coming out because of this...and I don't understand why you're all split into pieces. Its like I've said for the past several years: I like columbus, but I just wish I could move my whole friends and family there.

Today, I got into dad's car (again) and pointed myself in no particular direction (again). And I thought to myself. I'm having a hard time making decisions. I stared at a CD today for about 1/2 hour before I decided not to buy it.

I need to call people. I need to call Matt and Ro. I need get my crap together and submit it to the bar and pray that they'll actually let me sit for the exam. and I need to start applying for jobs again. ugh.

blindingly tired

Another day closer. I've lost focus. I'm so tired; i could sleep all day tomorrow. that'd be nice. I can't really sleep at night any more. I go to bead with rules in my head... honestly tho I need to memorize more. the past couple of days have been workshop days... less memorization, more technique.

Its no secret that I'm in love with Wall-E. I was telling Jason that it's easily one of my favorite movies ever made. I could watch it every day....there's so much that i love about it, but i'm sure the main reason that I love the movie is that I identify and feel compassion and concern for Wall-E, perhaps more than almost any other character I've seen in a movie. because Wall-E is just a lonely guy who does his thing every day because that's what he's supposed to do and he wishes he had someone to share his world with. How many of us are just like that? I know I am. And then, like all movies that star a goofie schlub, he falls for the prettiest girl on the block (sure, she's the only girl on the block, but she's also the prettiest), EV-E. But its not just because she's pretty and so many things that he isn't. But its also because he so desperately wants to show somone, just one someone, all of the great and curious things in his world. He wants to show her why he loves Hello Dolly. It's so sweet. I wont lie, I cried about 2 times the first I saw it.... one scene in particular still chokes me up.

Yesterday I wrote about how i like to hug. In refernece to that, I was thinking about I want to hold your hand by the Beatles. In Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist (an ok movie.. i'd like to see it again...has one very odd quirk to it) one character makes the point that the Beatles really got it right there. That that song was the symbol of what it means to be close (romantically) with another person. In Wall-E, it's similar, actually. Several times in the movie, he looks at EV-E's and and wants to reach out and take it, but he's nervous. He's not sure if its right.
And then i started thinking that holding hands is, or can be, oddly bonding, or intimate. I say oddly, because its really just your hand. You use it for everything, literally... why should it mean anything to hold hands with another person? Im not sure. perhaps its that lingering contact. Im sure that's part of it, but i dont think its everything. Perhaps its a degree of submission? I'm not sure. Maybe the Beatles were on to something. Maybe Wall-E has yet another message i dearly love.

Again, i need to stop writing these things when i've been alone all day studying. I need more human contact, but i've been spending every day either locked in my room, or at the library, or somewhere else without real human contact.

back... more ruminations about friends

So, the blog has as of recent turned into a ground where I can explore my thoughts on the meaning and nature of my friendships with different people. Casual friends, acquaintances, good friends, "girl friends." And I'm happy about that, because I think I'm beginning to understand my own mentality about my friends.

What is the impetus for all this? Well, and I've talked about this before, but I feel like my life goes in about 3 year cycles. And at the end of each cycle, I move, or other people move, or my life takes a different direction, or whatever causes it, a serious change happens and I leave an old life behind, and start a new one. 3 years in law school. 3 years at borders. basically 3 years at Oberlin. 3 Years with Marta. 3 years. And always a dramatic change at the end. And always, in that change, I leave friends behind, and I always feel like I leave a little piece of me behind. I'm an odd cat. I'm terrified of getting too emotionally close to anyone because I'm afraid of them finding out about the "real" me and not liking him. And as importantly, I'm afraid of getting hurt when they go away. But the truth is, to my friends who I open up to, I get more emotionally invested than may be apparent to them, or to me. And when we go our separate ways after 3 years, I leave that piece of me behind. Because when I say "emotionally invested," i mean that I accidentally give a small piece of myself over. And when that friendship gets taken away, it hurts me because I lost that piece.

I've recently had a lot of opportunity to reflect on this. Some of it I've written about already here. Nooree, of course, was the subject of many posts. And again, she's worth mentioning here. (and Yes, now that I realize she reads more frequently than I had once thought, I would be wise to not write anything, but "damn the torpedoes!" I need to work through my thoughts and I don't mind if she reads). I really was terrified when school ended that I'd lose contact of her, because I really liked her and I wanted to get to know her better. Now, since graduation, as we've spent more time together, I've felt closer and closer to her. In fact, as I've gotten to know her better, I've liked her even more than I thought I would. And now I've accidently allowed myself to get emotionally invested and I dont want to get hurt. And I'm not talking about hurt because I think I feel more deeply and differently about her than she feels about me. That's fine; That's a temporary kind of hurt; that's nothing new to me. What I mean is, I don't want to lose her as a friend now. As I've said, I'm always afraid of the fragility of friendships. If/when I move; if/when I get boring to her; if/when she starts dating a guy and I get jealous or he gets jealous or she feels it's not right to hang out with me and I get more jealous. It's all very precarious. And part of me
wishes I could pull myself back and withdraw my emotional attachment, but I can't. Sorry.

But Nooree is not the only reason I've been thinking about this. Suzi and Sean, too are such great people and I'm so lucky to have them as friends, but I wish I had met them at a different time in my life, when I had more time to spend with them. I feel a certain kinship with Suzi. She's more like me, in some ways, than my own sister. And Sean.... he's such a great guy it almost catches me off guard. And so, with them too, I've allowed myself to get too close to them. I care about them, I feel good when I can spend even a little bit of time with them, because I think they have an odd natural understanding of me that it beyond my explaining.

Its a bit like how I think of Sara. That's really it, I think. Suzi reminds me so much of Sara that our friendship, to me, was very natural. And to think of it now, Sara is a great example to help me explain what I'm trying to say. I've known Sara since 7th grade. Since we were 12. 18 years. But, of course, I wasn't really friends with her (tho I did have a small crush on her in 7th grade) until Marta and I started going out. Then, I really got to know Sara. And Sara was always a great and steady friend. And one thing I've thought about Sara more than perhaps any of my friends, is that Sara seems to have an inate understanding of my mentality. I think of my brain as sorta screwy compared to other people, and I think that Sara perhaps more than anyone I've ever known, has understood my screwy brain. So, today I still think of Sara as a close friend, even tho I don't speak with her much any more. But I think that's a unique situation. I can go months without hearing from Sara, but then seeing her or emailing her is never ever weird. its like there was never a break (or at least, never a big one). I wish it could be like that with all my friends. I wish there could be no weirdness even over time or whatever. but there is.

Tho, maybe left behind friends can be gotten again. Recently, Erin has been a great friend as she's helped me deal with my self-confidence and dating issues. What is surprising about this for me is that I would have thought Erin was one of those people who I would have enjoyed back in a previous life and would be friendly with in my current life, but would ultimately be left in the past. Happily, it's like she was pulled out of the past and has become a great new friend. Thanks Erin!

And then there's Kelsey. Kelsey Cowger. someone I knew back in Oberlin. Back in teh dark time. I found her on facebook the other day and wrote her a quick message that said "hey, remmber me?" and sure enough, she did! I was expecting her to say "who the hell are you, stalker asshole." But nope. I hope to hear more from her. It'll be nice to at least hear from someone back from those times. IT's a piece of myself that I left behind and thought was gone forever.
Ugh. this shoudl stop. But first, I've noticed that I've listed a lot of female friends here. Why is that? I should mention some guys. I didn't mention Mike initially , but I think that's because I consider Mike family, at this point. I don't think Andrew's going anywhere either. Kevin, well... I have a great relationship with him... and it's been like 90% a phone relationship, which I weird for me because I really don't like the phone too much. But he scares me sometimes when he says he hasn't spoken with Lindsay or Rachel in a while because I don't want that to happen to me. I really like Kevin. He's awesome. And then there's Jason. I think we share too many similarities to not be friends at this point. But, him too, i fear sometimes the weekly phone calls will just stop. Again, I don't really like the phone.

ugh. this has rambled on enough. I need to write these things not after spending so much time alone and not when so tired. Let me end it by saying, I'm not looking at taking the bar all too soon, and still planning to move, and I'm scared of losing all my friends back here. While I'll probably meet new people, they are not substitutes. And I crave deep friendships, and of course, I crave a deep companionship (but seem to always go after the wrong people), and I don't want to be alone, and I wonder if running off to Oregon will screw up whatever ground work i've laid here. Will I, there, only meet coffee shop acquaintances, like so many people at Stauf's? Or will I get what I'm looking for? And if I do, do i really want anyone to take the place of the people mentioned in this email? No. friends are to be added to, not to be replaced.

Alright. enough. sometimes I wish my brain would just shut up.

instead

Instead of embarrassing myself thoroughly, I'm only going to do it half way. More thoughts on girls, always.

I think I must be different than a lot of guys. Since I've been single for about 4 years now, Mike's been trying to give me pointers on how to end that. But the truth is that I don't really want to follow anything he suggests. See, unlike most guys, i'm not sexually attracted to most women upon first meeting them. Unlike most guys, I don't want to date or sleep with every pretty girl I meet. It's just not me. Instead, I've found that it takes a while for me to get to that point. I think it's probaby because I see myself as a hard person to be good friends with. I mean, I have a lot of acquiantances... people I like, but I count "friend" as a special designation. Friends are the people I think about when they arent around. Friends are people I'm willing to share important thoughts and feelings with. Acquaintances are just people I meet in coffee shops who I like, but ultimately will probably fall out of contact with over the years. Friends, to me, are in it for the long haul.

Anyway, I think that, because I'm a little kookie, or at least I see myself that way, I don't really develop sexual attraction to the girls I meet until we've already developed a friendship. Combine this with the fact that I'm deathly afraid of rejection, and I'm terrified to ask girls out, and you have a very bad situation for me to actually go out with a girl. See, because I've found that after becoming a friend with a girl, I'm off the "to date" list. at least, that's been my experience so far. And what then happens is that I ask a girl out who I like as a friend, and have develop most feelings for, and I get shot down.

And then the danger begins. Because at that point, I've weirded our friendship. or at least potentially. Because she either never had physical feelings for me, or she's lost them... and while I'm fine going back to just being friends, she may not be. at least, that's what's happened often. And we stop being friends. And it's very difficult for me to lose a friend, probably because when someone becomes my friend, I emotionally invest in our relationship, whether I show it or not.

Ok. I guess this is where I write that I've developed quite a fondness for a friend of mine. (who is probably reading this right now, and god I hope not, but if she is, I'm sorry). And I don't want to say anything because I like spending time with her; I like calling her a friend. And I don't want that to go away. But sometimes it makes me sad...because I look at her and think "god you're beautiful and funny and smart and cool... why aren't you into me at all?"

Fortunately, I know it will go away over time. My stupid crushes always do. So, and I hope she's not reading this, but if you are reading, please don't feel weird. I'm just lonely and well you're nice to me and you're beautiful and funny and smart and cool. And I spend too much time alone.

And, I mean, asking Sarah out ended up not weirding our friendship. Instead, I'd say that it probably loosened it up, because now I don't ever think about it. She's a friend who I care about, but I don't have to worry about trying to date her. I got that out of the way.

So who knows what I'll do.

Why is this all coming out? Perhaps it's because of the wedding. Perhaps its because of my birthday. Perhaps its because i'm lonely. who knows.

i know what i miss

I miss times just sitting around and bull shitting... I miss it sooooo much... Its so rare no a days that I actually don't have anything else on my mind so I can just sit around and bullshit... nope... now a days all I think about is what else I have to do, what i could be doing, and why I'm not enjoying myself (which is a sadly true and awful cycle). But i miss those times. I need that again... god i hope i get into this program at brown.... god i hope so... fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.....so distracted today... fuck fuck fuck fuck...that's what I like about stauf's... there is alot of bullshitting that goes on... and sometimes I get to join in.... but these days, its rarer than I'd like it to be.... just too much to do.... so, I'm avoiding it... ugh...that's sad for me

Happy Family Fire Pot

This post is dedicated to all my friends out there who may be reading this. I realized a few things about my good friends that separates them from sorta run of the mill people I know. You'll know who you are as soon as I start writing about this. First, my bestest friends are not scared off by my rabid geekiness. I realize that I am a geek thru and thru. The things I like I LOVE; the things I hate I HATE!!! But what's a little weird for me is that this seems to scare people off. And I don't quite get that, but people seem to be bothered when I start going off on some movie that I love (yes... this often means Star Wars.... but really, I feel passionately about a lot of other things).... And people seem genuinely bothered by my feelings... but i dont get it.... that's just me... but see, Kevin, Andrew, you guys aren't scared... That's just me... I think its part of my charm. I mean, I think more people should have acqute feelings. People who tend to be wishy washy annoy me. People especially find it strange when I go off about how much I hate something. This I understand better. People generally dont like to hear things ripped apart... But hey... that's me... If you are on my bad side, you're fucked.

Another quality of my friends (and another thing that seems to weird people out) is my tendency to say a lot of things that think are jokes, but people often think I'm serious. Its my delivery... I tend to say things jokingly more seriously than I say jokes, i guess... but that's whats nice about you guys... you keep up with me... I may switch from "DUDE, YOU SHOULD TOTALLY DO" whatever to something on a totally different topic back to whatever... then on... Andrew, I expect you to keep up.... after all you've known me forever.... But Kevin, I think that's why our conversations seem odd to observers... because we continually switch topics, levels of seriousness, whatever....

Any way.... These are my rambeling thoughts... Andrew wrote that I'm much less difficult to get along with than I think I am. I guess he's right... I try really hard to be nice. but I do think that my personality is ultimately hard to swallow. I just dont have boring/basic emotions... I just don't. I have huge emotions... Im a geek. I love it. I love getting DEEP into things... and I dont see myself changing... and Im happy about that... Andrew and I dont change.... we stay pretty constant... the world changes around us....... I like that. Growing up doesnt have to mean giving up. This guy at school today was talking about work and jokingly was talking about playing softball with his firm over the summer (that part is tru. they have a summer league). And he said somethign about getting what it would be like if he got yelled at by his boss for not turning a double play. And he said he'd just take it. I wouldn't. I turn and say fuck you and leave... that is what we should stand for.... He said yeah, but i have a family and I need a job and the money and shit. and I say, you need yourself before anything. you'll find another job... fuck assholes and fuck any job where you have to suck dick just to make a pay check... I'm never going to be a lawyer.

wow... where did that come from?

Im pretty tired... I need to do a little more school work before going to bed....ugh