depression

Well, i'm finally writing about this... tho most of you who read this already know. I've been sorta of soul crushingly depressed recently. Mainly what triggered my recent bout with wanting to die is that I was rejected by Brown... Funny think about that is that it was the 4th rejection slip I've received from Brown in my life. I got 3 as an undergrad (1 for myself, 1 from the alumni association, and 1 to mom and dad letting them know that their kid wasn't smart). Then I got an email the other day telling me that I hadn't gotten into their grad program. And I will guaranteedly get a paper letter in a month or so. So that will be 5 rejection slips from one school. Fuck. Anyway, I'm officially at a loss. People have been saying "this is just one school, there is no reason to give up completly" and that's right... but I've just been shaken and scared and I really have no idea about what's happening next year... so I'm scared shitless. I haven't really been able to focus all week because of this. I haven't been sleeping well... I see myself workign at borders again. And while Borders isnt the worst thing that could happen (nothing would make me happier than just stacking cds and dvds again), the pay is a problem. The living at home again is a problem. I feel like I lost the fight. I feel like Ive been preaching about how I dont have to be a lawyer and I'm just going to turn into lawyer scum no matter what. Fuck you life. fuck you. I'm scared.

rejected

So, I definitely need my "to pretty girls: I'm lonely and pathetic, don't talk to me" t-shirt. I don't want to blog this, but I have to. I got shot down today. It was a gentle let down.. but it was a let down nonetheless. Actually, it would have been better if she had just said "I don't like you... go away." But she didn't. And well... the problem is that I don't feel any different. I feel rejected, but I still like her....I don't have the "you suck" sort of feeling. But I don't have the "walking on sunshine sort of feeling" either. I mean, of course its better to know...but its hard too because I don't feel like changing how I'm acting toward her. I don't even feel like I have to. its better to have a friend than not.... that's always true..but, would I have like it to be different... of course..... no question....so I went home, ate a bunch of chex mix... and now i feel sick....and am trying to do some more work before going to bed.... but... well... I'm hurt.... and its not her fault Its mine. for getting my hopes up...... Its like when Marta asked me if all my problems were caused by her. Well, yes.. but they were my problems... and I'd never blame her. Sarah... I know you said you don't read my blog... but, if you do... well... I won't be weird... I'm just going to continue to be me. but, well, its just sometimes hard for us lonely guys... Sometimes I hate being a ducky. the duck man... duck-er-ino.... sometimes, I wish I were more of a james spader... but alas.... the duckman, i am.... sarah... i just hope you understand that while I may need to be sad in my blog here, I'm not at all mad.... just... well... i continue to be alone. and i dont want to be alone. and that's something i've been trying to remedy. and apparently all the girls im into aren't into me. maybe i should set my sights lower. or maybe I should become a monk. or maybe i should just be ok with being alone. gaaaa.... oh well, a new friend who actually wants to spend time with me is actually a really great thing... still.... see below: (I'm off like a dirty shirt.)

"I want you to know: Despite my appearance at this function, I remain now, and will always be, a Duckman."

le weekend

So, I'm not realy sure what's wrong wtih me any more. I spent this weekend stressing out and being pissy... and did I even get done what I needed to get done? Of course not. Really, all I accomplished was to increase my stress levels and got pissier.
I'm at that point where I really want to run away from school, from life, from ohio, from everything. I really don't know what's up
On the plus side, I have been to the movies several times recently. Last weekend, Nooree was nice enough to go to Nightmare 3D with me (thanks Nooree, it was awesome of you) and this week, Sean and Suzi both were caught by my incessant nagging about how awesome it is. 'cause its awesome.
I really do think I'd be happy at that program at brown. But, It'd be super hard. I have no production background. No educational background. All I am is a crappy lawyer who won't admit it yet. I haven't told anyone yet, but I've been looking at doing an LLM next year and then maybe (maybe) working as an attorney after that. I could do IP! I don't hate it. Sure, I may hate myself for copping out, and hate my job, but I wouldn't hate the part where I actually started paying off my loans.
Its not like me to worry so much about loans. It didn't start realy until just the past couple of weeks. When I realized that I will be in debt forever. And the only work experience I have paid me just barely enough to live at home. I really dont want to be 30 and living with mom and dad and working some shit job, after going thru 3 years of mental hell. This whole school thing has been a terrible experience in almost every way possible--good god, please dont let that happen.
So, i'm lookiing at jobs teaching high school. It sounds pretty terrible. Actually, that's not fair.... it only sounds terrible because I'll have a JD. Normally, law school is what teachers do to escape teaching.... not the other way around.
Then, last night, I went out to Spagio's with Simon and Sarah.... Again, I'm not quite sure what's wrong with me. I've been whinning for so long that i have nothing to do and no one to do it with... and for the past 2 weeks I've actually dont things with people... yet, after I left last night, I was like really super alone...I went home and went to bed and all I really wanted to do was stay up all night and watch movies with someone...
That's the best part of winter vacation. Late nights watching shitty TV with Andrew.... Those days are at an end, i guess....
I want to grow up... why can't I? I don't understand why I cant let go of the past.. is that normal? I don't think so.... I don't know
Mike's been trying to encourage me to ask more women out... ok, that's not quite true... he's been trying to get me to ask anyone out... What's weird about this is that its very unmike.... Maybe he's lonely out there in Iowa, espeically now that he's single. I dunno. But its definately very unmike...I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. is it because we are both getting old? I've known mike now for i think 17 years. that's a scarey thought.
Kathryn told me I should try match.com. I don't think I'm that lonely yet.
And Gender is making me think about sad times.... about 'teh dark times' as I call them. Why can't I just let go of the past.
I need a dog. I miss Libby. I hope that whereever I go next year, I can take Yoshii. Oddly, tho, i'm lonely but i dont really want to be around people. Well, I would like maybe a family group hug. Kathryn, we miss you. I once read that we should hug more because it would be good for us as people. I'm kinda worried that my stress and that whole no-eating thing from a few years back are going to kill my heart way earlier than they should. So, maybe I need a hug.... Or just a libby. Either way, I'm thinking I'm shit out of luck.

Stephen: Rockin' the sexy calves since 1999!; or, that which does not kill us only makes us weakened for the next attack

My seat is taken and hence I can't focus. Its a little odd, but I need to be in my spot to do work.... Actually, I'm probably going to have to avoid Stauf's a little more than normal simply because of the unbelievable amounts of work I have to do. Under normal circumstances, I do a lot of work at Stauf's, but, as Martin Lawrence once remarked "shit just got real..." and I think I may have to lock myself in the journal office from now until december.

Tuesday is my GRE date. I wish I felt more ready than I do. But well, the math is just frustrating for me. That's it. frustrating. and takes too long for a time pressured exam. Then, shortly after the test, I need to finish up some applications. I basically am giving myself 2 weeks to get them done. I can't take any longer than that or they will just get in the way of my school.

I've been in a funk today. Which is sorta odd. Last night was really nice: went out for dinner with Suzi and Sean and then came back to the staufice and did a little work and then watched crappy music videos with some peeps here. But I work up annoyed, tired, and depressed..... oh well.... and being told that my life is pretty good doesnt really help. I mean, that's fine.. I accept that objectively speaking, things are pretty good for me... except for that whole school/life thing. But The truth is, when it comes to depression, objective truth about your life doesnt really matter. All that matters is your subjective perception of your situation. And I just can't help but feel old and aloof. I just do. I know I'm not old, but I'm not at all where I "envisioned" myself being at any stage of my life. I can't say with certainty where I imagined my life heading, but it certainly wasn't alone and lonely sitting in a coffee shop blogging about being depressed. That was definitely not in the book. But I have a feeling that we've gone off script. And the director (me) has lost all control over the actors (also me.. but a crappier part of me). Like George Lucas, I want to go back and issue a new and improved special edition of my life and pretend that the old one doesnt xist, or at least, its not canon: now Stephen doesn't lose his mind, now he just takes a path and walks it, now he doesnt fuck up his body time and time again, this time Johnny Depp plays Stephen and he's way more suave. Alright, I know that I whine and complain, and its all because I just can't wrap my mind around my own life. I suppose this is a common thing: you can see the path for others, but not the one in front of you. My eyes are damned to the truth.


I've remarked on this before, but I'm going to say it again: I used to be much better at being alone than I am now. Now, for some reason, the extreme loneliness of my apartment just kills me. It shouldn't be that way... I don't get it. Maybe its because I feel old. Maybe its because there was a time when I always had people to hang out with and being alone was mor eof a choice. But ugh...

I've also decided that I dont' understand what I'm doing thinking about getting a PhD and going to law school and all that jazz.... Is it for me? Do I actually want to do it? Or is it to achieve some nebulous conception of 'worth' that I dont' feel like I've lived up to? I should just work a job and play video games and read books and one day die... because what I'm doing right now is only a lot of stress and annoyance.. and lets be honest, life should be about maximizing the times that you feel happy and minimizing the times that you feel sad. I wish I were more tao. I wish I were an artist. I wish my major talents weren't brooding and bitterness. I wish I could be more positive.

I just realized something. And epiphany. Marta used to really hate the part of me that needs answers. That craves the ability to logic out a situation. Things that don't intuitively 'make sense' to me are almost painful to me. Which is a real problem because life doesn't make sense. I guess Marta had it right all along... Unfortunately, now I'm more moody and I STILL hate it when things don't make sense.

The end of my days with long hair is nigh. I really want to donate it. If I have to wait to cut it off, I will... but I'm hoping that a salon will tell me that I can just take it down to the scalp...

So, on a positive note, I have a new reader, I think. You know I love my readers (all 6 of you). Everyone welcome Suzi and expect a profile of her tomorrow (or today, if I can't seem to do work).

Stardust; or, why I'll never be truly happy

I saw Stardust last night and was quite pleased with it. Now, I'm a total sucker for all things swords and sorcery. And, I'm an even bigger sucker for all things Claire Danes. So, one could argue that I am a little biased toward liking this movie. And certainly that is a fair argument. But, I can't stand Michelle Pfieffer (unless, of course, its Batman Returns). And Robert DeNiro is pretty much hit-or-miss for me. And, I was pretty skeptical of the movie, 'cause, quite frankly, it looked like it was going to suck. But instead, I really liked it. But, at the same time, it made me melancholy, as I so often am.

The story was pretty simple story-book fare. Guy from the real world ventures out beyond the wall of his town "Wall" to find a magical world. While there, he impregnates someone who claims to be a trapped princess. 9 months or so later, a baby shows up at his doorstep. Say hello to our hero, Tristan. Tristan starts the movie totally infatuated with this total bitch named Victoria who ignores, uses, and generally messes with him.

One night while Tristan was trying to mac Victoria (aparently trying to get her drunk enough to get with him), they see a star fall. Hero-boy promisses that he will retrieve the star for his bitch-fantasy if she will marry him.

Meanwhile, there is this nasty king (played by Peter O'Toole) off in Magicland (or whatever it was called) who had set his sons on a quest to become the next king: the son who gets this magic jewel thing is the winner. Also, the sons like to kill each other to better their chances of being king. Fun stuff. Anyway, That jewel knocks the star out of the sky that Tristan and bitch see fall.

Meanwhile, a trio of witches see the star fall as well. Michelle Pfeiffer (head witch) sets out to find the star too because it will restore her beauty and youth...

So Tristan goes to get the star and finds Claire Danes. Of course, she is the fallen star. It takes him a bit to catch on, but he does and they set out to go back to Bitch. They have mad-cap adventures, fall for each other, Tristan pulls his head out of his ass and decides he like Claire Danes, and, after some fighting and magic and stuff, they live happily ever after.

Charlie Cox, who plays Tristan, doesnt really ease into his role until about 1/2 thru... but when he does, he's pretty good. Catwoman was annoying, as usual, but bareable. DeNiro was good enough... amusing even. Rickie Gervais has a little part. But, of course, it was Claire Danes that I loved. I can't help it.... there is something about the way she can look and smile that just melts me. She even put on a fishy brittish accent that wasn't too bad... normally brittish accents by american actors are real bad. But her's was good enough. And she had some well-written snarkey dialogue. But it was just her that I loved. Just Claire Danes being Claire Danes.

But this was the problem with the movie for me. I realized how much I loved the fantasy. And how much I dreamed of meeting some gorgeous Star Claire Danes and and falling in love and defeating evil and living happily ever after. I don't really care about the king stuff.... But that'd be nice too. Oh, I forgot to mention, the ending is a bit....spaceballs-ish. Anyway.... I realized that I'm a dreamer. I an a voyeur. That's why I love movies: so I can escape my boring ass real life for 2 hours. So I can pretend to be the 'normal' boy who unlocks his inner-self and finds his belle and all that jazz. But its just not real... its not true... its not me. My life is angst and worry and boredom. Not magic and mystery.

I also realize that as much as I love Claire Danes and would give up my life for her (my mental image of her, that is), I feel slightly betrayed. My love stems directly from My So-Called Life. That show was Muy Excellente and Angela Chase was my girl--she was how I felt in girl form. Awkward. Confused. Lonely yet not alone. All that good stuff. But Claire Danes now is none of that. She is accomplished, beautiful, loved... all the stuff I can't really identify with. And yes, I realize that I am making judgements based on false perceptions stemming from fictional characters.... but these are observations on my mental process. Now, the Claire Danes/Angela Chase that I loved is no longer the girl who was perfect for Stephen. Now, she is fantasy. And I watch voyeuristicallly. I watch and dream... but I am too much of a pessimist/realist to get too carried away. I know its not realy. I know its not my life.... and so I get sad because I will never be truely happy. I'm a dreamer. I like to dream. I like it. But its hard at times....

Well.... this is the first post in a while, and I think its a good one.... I hope someone reads it. but it doesnt really matter.

blah.... back to school soon

Icky. tomorrow school starts up again. And only 4 weeks until its all over. I'm done 4-30. that's craziness. I've never been out of school in april. craziness. Any way, things here are gorgeous. Insanely nice out. I've done some good work today.... I've been trying to prepare for the end of the year. And evidence is comming along decently. Time to start working on TMs, I guess. Any way... this break was highly unentertaining. i've basically worked every day as if I actually had school. I had this take home exam to do. and i did it. and im highly scared that it sucks. I dont know anything about business stuff... oh well... I did see 3 movies last week. Inland Empire (can't wait to see it again), TMNT (fun fun stuff) and the host (that's like my 3rd Korean flick. I need more.) but way too much work
And spent money. Dell basically tells me that my 'puter is fucked and I need to do somethign very costly to fix it... that's obnoxious. how about, dell, you just build a decent computer from the get go.... why does it have to suck so much?
I only have part time work over the summer, so I'm going to apply to borders and see if they'll give me a few more hours. that may actually be fun... but damn, so many expenses over the summer
totally fed up with law school... beyond fed up

Every time I think I'm over my thing for Karen, it creeps up again. I was talking to her yesterday, and my stupid stomach was all a flutter.... what the fuck? Usually I'm so much better at casting off crushes.... but, aparently not this one. I chalk it up to being lonely
I'm starting to worry about myself more. i haven't been this continually depressed since I was at oberlin. the bad times. no, mind you, im not nearly as depressed as I was back then (read: not crying every day), but I basically down a lot. ugh... just lonely. And, i've caught myself doing something that I used to do.... saying things in my head, but not actually SAYING them..... I always thought that was fucked up... ugh....
any way... I know the problem. I want my own life. I feel like my life is still my parent's life. I have never divorced myself from home. I still call home home.... my aparentment is my room, usually... I dont know.....I'm just lonely
Ive been thinking about shaving my head recently. it might happen. not now, but some time.

there's really something I love about the tag function in blogger

I feel like I'm always waiting for something to happen. I feel like I'm always living inside my own head... I feel... i dont know.

Today's pic is outside of my apartment at like 730am. when I woke up, the sun looked totally rad (and red) so I tried to take a pic... oddly, that is not how I thought it looked when I was taking the pic... but I looks cool any way. of course, didn't have my glasses on... so that could have had somethign to do with it.

god I hope I get into grad school..... god please...

Is it me???

I ran this theory by Jason, and he seemed to like it... so I'm going to propose it to the internet world. I have always considered my self an acquired taste--and its something I like about myself. Like beer or coffee, you may not like me the first time you try me. In fact, you may not like me the second time you try me. And diluted-me (read: coffee with milk and sugar or lite beer) is for sissies and you dont get the true me. But, with time, many people actually like the slightly intoxicating nature of me, and get used to me. Unfortunately, like many things that rock, too much of me and you can get sick. you need to build up your immunity to me, like iocane powder. Any way, what does any of this have to do with duckies? Well... here's the thing... I think that this acquired taste-ness of me (and Jason, and indeed most of the people I actually call friends) makes finding a girl really difficult. we are a bit hamstrung. because, what happens is that the girl doesnt want to go out with me right away... then, over time she realizes that she likes Stephen quite a bit... but, by that time, i've become...... A DUCKIE!!!! yup... "just a friend." "That kookie friend with the awesome fashion sense." The guy who totally gets fucked up the ass at the end of pretty in pink. As jason said, he had to settle for some other chick. Duckie wanted Andie. He DESERVED Andie. Rumor has it that if he had been played by Robert Downie Jr. he would have gotten Andie. Instead, he had to settle. What the fuck is up with that?

Any way... why all this... well... being a natural Duckie is both rewarding and frustrating. First, being an original... a unique person... an individual... is something I value more than almost anything. You can see that from those people I call "friend" (and not work/school buddy). And you can see why some people Iknow frustrate me so much... because they are happy being sheep... but I think the hazzard of being what I am--what we are--is this problem in the love department. We either become Duckies, or they dont like us, or they die from too much exposure (iocane powder is quite deadly).

I think these things have something to do with why, whenever I try to get someone to like me, it just doesnt work. its because, like coffee, or beer, or iocane powder, people have to try me willingly... and push thru the initial shock..... to get the alcohol/caffiene goodness

sigh... john hughes fucked all us duckies out there..... he should have had him get andie at the end of that movie... then, maybe i'd have more hope... maybe.

perhaps the trick is to find the female equivalent of duckie. is there one? I dont think annie potts counts.... not really anyway.

im not going to change any time soon. hell, its part of the reason i can never be an attorney... I cant settle... I just wont do it. Im not capable of giving up my free thoughts and conforming. I dont want to. Id rather die. maybe im being childish... but that's only because everyone else gives up and settles... I think that's dumb... not 'adult' or some shit like that....

any way... very tired... did much work today.... must go to bed

sigh

So, I obviously didnt take this pic. But I've had Sarah Silverman on the brain recently, so I figured i'd post a pic of her... She's so cute. And there is something that is so hot about a girl with as dirty a mouth as her. It ramps her hottness up just another level.
Any way, things are a little stinky here. I feel really bad because I went off on my mom today about my unhappy I am. I'm really goign to try not to call her to complain anymore. I so dont want my mom to be the person I turn to for support any more. But I just got pissed off and depressed and frustrated, so I called my. ugh. Any way... It's hard to explain, but I'm sick and tired of how lawyers think. I'm taking this class on friday saturday and sunday and I picked up the syllabus. And in it it "expressly prohibits" us from reading a few cases. It threatens us with failing and (for an honor code violation) it could difficult to get barred and in fact you could be booted out of the school. All if you were to decide to do extra work. for greater understanding. fuck law school. I can't believe they threaten you to prevent you from doing extra learning outside of class. fuckers. GAAAAHHHH!!! why threaten. I'd feel better if it just said "dont' read it. We will discuss the theories of the case in class. But I don't want you to read it before hand, because I want you to come to the answers yourself." But it didnt say that. Instead, it threatened me with expulsion. that mother fucker.
not a day goes by where i dont think about dropping out of law school

Im so frustrated. i just pray that I actually get into a grad program. Because if i dont, im fucked. because I wont be a lawyer and I wont be a student... so i'll just be a failure. fuck.
alright...... this was a bad post
im just lonely. ive been pretty much depressed and lonely for the past 3 weeks straight. even with other people, ive still been lonely. people around here.... i just don feel any sort of connection to. its not columbus. its not cbus' fault. but i dont really think its my fault either. I dont know....
im stopping. this was not a fun post. sorry