depression

Well, i'm finally writing about this... tho most of you who read this already know. I've been sorta of soul crushingly depressed recently. Mainly what triggered my recent bout with wanting to die is that I was rejected by Brown... Funny think about that is that it was the 4th rejection slip I've received from Brown in my life. I got 3 as an undergrad (1 for myself, 1 from the alumni association, and 1 to mom and dad letting them know that their kid wasn't smart). Then I got an email the other day telling me that I hadn't gotten into their grad program. And I will guaranteedly get a paper letter in a month or so. So that will be 5 rejection slips from one school. Fuck. Anyway, I'm officially at a loss. People have been saying "this is just one school, there is no reason to give up completly" and that's right... but I've just been shaken and scared and I really have no idea about what's happening next year... so I'm scared shitless. I haven't really been able to focus all week because of this. I haven't been sleeping well... I see myself workign at borders again. And while Borders isnt the worst thing that could happen (nothing would make me happier than just stacking cds and dvds again), the pay is a problem. The living at home again is a problem. I feel like I lost the fight. I feel like Ive been preaching about how I dont have to be a lawyer and I'm just going to turn into lawyer scum no matter what. Fuck you life. fuck you. I'm scared.