the truth

I don't have time to cogitate on it... and I've wanted to... but I just haven't had time to think about how I am and where I am after my embarrassment the other night. Is it weird that I really want to think about what it means in the sorta mythos that is stephen? Is it because I'm a geek.? Probably. I think its because I'm an INTJ.... from what i've read, we do those kinds of things. Oh well.... it happens, i guess... I think my problem right now is that I'm still holding out hope... Maybe I shouldn't admit to that. But i can't help it. But, being passive and a weird cat and the kind of guy who'd ultimately rather have a friend than a girlfriend, I won't act any differently, and it won't really affect me, but I'll carry a small torch. A very small little torch that no one can see burning... sigh... it sucks to be the duckie... just once i want to be blaine.

rejected

So, I definitely need my "to pretty girls: I'm lonely and pathetic, don't talk to me" t-shirt. I don't want to blog this, but I have to. I got shot down today. It was a gentle let down.. but it was a let down nonetheless. Actually, it would have been better if she had just said "I don't like you... go away." But she didn't. And well... the problem is that I don't feel any different. I feel rejected, but I still like her....I don't have the "you suck" sort of feeling. But I don't have the "walking on sunshine sort of feeling" either. I mean, of course its better to know...but its hard too because I don't feel like changing how I'm acting toward her. I don't even feel like I have to. its better to have a friend than not.... that's always true..but, would I have like it to be different... of course..... no question....so I went home, ate a bunch of chex mix... and now i feel sick....and am trying to do some more work before going to bed.... but... well... I'm hurt.... and its not her fault Its mine. for getting my hopes up...... Its like when Marta asked me if all my problems were caused by her. Well, yes.. but they were my problems... and I'd never blame her. Sarah... I know you said you don't read my blog... but, if you do... well... I won't be weird... I'm just going to continue to be me. but, well, its just sometimes hard for us lonely guys... Sometimes I hate being a ducky. the duck man... duck-er-ino.... sometimes, I wish I were more of a james spader... but alas.... the duckman, i am.... sarah... i just hope you understand that while I may need to be sad in my blog here, I'm not at all mad.... just... well... i continue to be alone. and i dont want to be alone. and that's something i've been trying to remedy. and apparently all the girls im into aren't into me. maybe i should set my sights lower. or maybe I should become a monk. or maybe i should just be ok with being alone. gaaaa.... oh well, a new friend who actually wants to spend time with me is actually a really great thing... still.... see below: (I'm off like a dirty shirt.)

"I want you to know: Despite my appearance at this function, I remain now, and will always be, a Duckman."

reflections

So, there is only a very short time before finals and I'm not at all ready. Yes, i'm nervous... yes, im denying my lack of preparedness... but I'm not that bothered today. Tonight I went out to dinner with Sarah. And it was great. but i have a little dilemma.... I dont know if its because I'm pathetic. I don't know if its because I'm lonely. I dont know if its because I've been single for so long. I dont know if its because I'm old... but I feel myself liking her more than is healthy for me. Because if it turns out that she's really not interested in anything, well, its going to hurt... Now, I haven't fallen off that cliff yet, but I feel it comming. I'm going to say something. I'm going to say something. I'm going to say something. but not right now. Not until class is over. not until finals are over. Then I'll have the guts.... maybe by then things will have answered for themselves. I mean, if I had to guess, I'd say that she's not sure where i stand either... but I'm just no good at this unsure, tippy toe, courting part of the relationship. I just want to know. Am I barking up the wrong tree? Do I have a chance? Am I doing the right things? I have no idea.

then i stop... or, more acctuatly, i just stopped... and I have to think, am i into her because I'm lonely... or is it because I actually like her... or is it because she's nice to me. The last two girls I've dated have been mistakes for one reason or another.... Rebekka... well, I knew right away that we shouldn't date... but I was lonely. And it hurt in the end. Christine... well, i liked her... but there wasn't much there... it was more me being lonely and having found someone who thought I was physically attractive.... but I'm sick of that... its soooooo unsatisfying.... Sure, we had a good time, but it was ultimately hollow... and i hate the fact that I don't talk with her now... its not that i dont like her or anythings... its more like, we weren't really compatable as friends... not enemies or anything... just two very different people...

and I feel myself going in that direction...What i neeed to do is stop trying... stop thinking about. I need to not worry about it for at least the next 20 days. But I just want to know... I'm tired... I think I'll go to bed early. I was going to throw in a movie. maybe I will still... but i sorta doubt it....

things were so much easier in high school. marta demanded that I go out with her.... Katie jumped on top of me... marta and I didn't break up... So im no good at this beginning part... because I never had a beginning part.. I just skipped all that bullshit. and I wasn't so eager... or anxious.. or something...

ohhhh... what does it matter? Even if i were to start dating someone, I'll most likely be hundreds of miles away next year. hundreds of miles away.... and It will only hurt to move.. sigh.... what the fuck... why can't anything ever be easy?

turkey day!

So, despite the amazing amounts of work I have to do, I decided to go home for turkey day... However, I'll be headed back to cbus later this evening.... provided there isn't a blizzard or something. Right now, its snowing a bit, so that's a distinct possibility Still, I've driven thru some awful weather, so maybe I shouldn't be worried too to much. Things right now are ok. I've gotten some work done, but not worked on my paper which I really need to focus on starting tonight. so, instead, I've been studying for patents... its going a bit ruff... lots o info.

I think I've cajoled jason into reading this blog now... so that's exciting. hanging out with him last night was awesome. Old friends are basically incomparable.... And i was thinking, I've actually known Jason now for more than 7 years. bordering on 8, actually. that's a shit load of time... and makes me say 'where the fuck has the time gone' yet again. Kathryn tries to tell me i'm not old... but the reason I feel so old is because I haven't even kinda begun a real life yet... and I won't begin a real life for another 6 years... I guess that part of the reason I've been so anxious about Sarah is not just because I haven't dated in so long...but its because I'd like something stable in my life. As bad as some of the times with Marta were, at least she was awesome that she always wanted to talk to me and always wanted to see me. It was stable. it was real. and it was consistent. And it was nice to feel wanted. Now, well, I know that some people would worry about me if I wasn't around for a couple of days, but I really can't prove it..... and I guess that's it... I feel old because i'm 'behind' where I imagined my life at this point and because I'm taking steps to just stretch that out.... talking with Jason, its tru, I'd like to just work and make money and not worry too much about stuff... but, some sort of egoism is forcing me to stay in school,learn something cool, and get that phd, and teach... i know that I could be happy just working some job that pays well enough to buy my cds once a week... but my ego won't let me... I want to be more tao. I want to get rid of humanly wants..... but I just can't sem to cast my ego away...not yet anyway.

so, on a final note, I think I'm going to post over at myspace more frequently. The fact that people comment on my posts over there makes me feel nice.. makes me remember that people actually do care enough to read this drivel. And, I secretly hope that Sarah reads it. Because I've been awkward recently because I dont know what she thinks and I just can't seem to spit out what I want to.

ok.. back to patents... happy tofurkey day

confused zor

So, it's 2am and Im just getting home. Normally, I'd consider that a good thing. And it's defintitely not a bad thing. But i'm a little confused. So, I've been avoiding posting about her because I didn't really think that it mattered at all. And now that i think that it doesnt matter at all even more, I've decided to post for real...There is this girl... Sarah... and we've been getting along great. and She encouraged me to come out tonight. and it was great. I had a lot of fun. But i'm super confused right now. I thought at first the reason that she asked me out was that she was she was interested in me. Now, i think it may be that she just likes me 'as a friend' as they say. Which is ok. I like friends. I like girls being my friends. But the problem is that i got hope. Normally, I really good at shooting down hope as soon as it pokes its nasty head up there. Normally I shoot down any sexual feelings I have, any stupid crushes, and just go with the fact that 'she doesnt like me like that... but this girl... this one.. her... I couldn't.... and tonight I think was a definite downer for me. I mean, I had a good time... but well, I was hoping (there is that damn hope again) for evidence of something more. And well... I just took her friend home and am about to go to bed.... and the last thing she said to me was "you're nice to go out with." There is this other guy too who clearly was intersted in her... and I can't tell what to do... Aaron... I should just say something... I should do it... because if I don't, i'm just going to go nuts... ugh.. why does this all have to be so complex? I like her.... I'd like to spend more time with her... I just don't want anything to get weird.... I'd like her to like me back.... but i need to start living in reality... things are not like that.... I'm back to being Duckie... I'm the eccentric friend who doesnt get molly ringwald. And that's ok...but it can be a little lonely... .ultimately a little lonely. I'd like a friend... but I haven't had a girl friend in years.... and not one that i really cared about deeply in even longer.... and well, its making me sad.... I'm old... I want someone to want me... what's wrong with me... I make friends... people seem to like me... but no girl... I'm tired. I'm not sober... I'm going to bed.