ugh.

Not sure what's wrong with me. I've been wandering up and down in the house for hte past 5 hours without doing anything really. I've got this wicked headache. I shoudl have gone out with Kevin but I just couldn't get motivated.

Today I went to Oberlin for the first time in about 5 years. It was nice. Very pretty day. Megan and I got together at the Feve. I miss Megan and Carla. A full year working our asses off and complaining about Swire seems have been quite the bonding experience.

While I was in school there was, dad came and pick me up nearly every weekend and drive me back 2 days later. I remember when I was losing my mind, and I called my mom, and mom called dad to come out and get me. I never really gave my parents credit for how great they were to me when I was losing my mind. I gave them such shit when I was around that age, and they still rescued me from my insanity without question. It was like "Stephen's messed up; we have to help him; there's no question." That's amazing to me. I was so selfish. And it didn't matter. We fought so much and it didn't matter. I was hurting, and they helped because they're great.

Dad came to get me every weekend. Sure, it was only like 25 minutes from work, but it was an hour from home. Every weekend, so I could then leave and work and spend time with Marta. Every weekend. I was selfish.

I've thought of this a lot. Not just because of what happened, but because as much shit as I've given my parents, I still think of that as so great of them.

Alrighty... Im just being weapy. I need to stop.

ugh. my head hurts.

I'm excited about next week. I'm a little hesitant to leave mom alone, but i figure andrew is here, so that's good. But I can't stop the excitement. I need to escape. I can't wait to get back to columbus. I can't want to see Nooree (especially since time will be much happier and I may actually bring her chocolates like I've been trying for weeks and maybe we'll go roller skating but whatever we do will be fine with me because I just enjoy her company and maybe she'll be able to come out and play more than once). Im a little worried about having to answer questions about dad from 1/2 a millino people at Stauf's, but at the same time, it will be nice to have a bunch of people around who care. I hope maybe i'll get t ride bikes with Suzi and Sean. Hopefully Erica will show up. The chef may make me drink absinthe with him! And Morrissey!

ugh. my head hurts. god i hope the peeps at the bar let me take the test god i hope so.

google-zor

So, i applied today for a job with google. And as much as I keep saying that I don't really have anything invested in this job.... I really do hope they call me. If you're spying on my right now google (as I use your services), I'M a good guy. Funny. Charming. And I could do awesome work for you in Trademark. Awesome. awesome. come one guys! Hire me. call me. call me. I'm just going to keep applying until you hire me. :) It's be pretty sweet to work there... I'd love to actually be part of a company whose product I really like. and whose culture is awesome. rather than rotting in a firm where i want to kill myself every second of every day. Come on google... give me that chance. Of course, as i just realized, if they are spying on this posting, they are probably spying on all my other posts. and my email. ummmm.... yea... about all that bad stuff... ummmmm... *embarassed grin* about that... ummmm.... well, just give me the interview..... forget all that stuff...:)

reflections

So, there is only a very short time before finals and I'm not at all ready. Yes, i'm nervous... yes, im denying my lack of preparedness... but I'm not that bothered today. Tonight I went out to dinner with Sarah. And it was great. but i have a little dilemma.... I dont know if its because I'm pathetic. I don't know if its because I'm lonely. I dont know if its because I've been single for so long. I dont know if its because I'm old... but I feel myself liking her more than is healthy for me. Because if it turns out that she's really not interested in anything, well, its going to hurt... Now, I haven't fallen off that cliff yet, but I feel it comming. I'm going to say something. I'm going to say something. I'm going to say something. but not right now. Not until class is over. not until finals are over. Then I'll have the guts.... maybe by then things will have answered for themselves. I mean, if I had to guess, I'd say that she's not sure where i stand either... but I'm just no good at this unsure, tippy toe, courting part of the relationship. I just want to know. Am I barking up the wrong tree? Do I have a chance? Am I doing the right things? I have no idea.

then i stop... or, more acctuatly, i just stopped... and I have to think, am i into her because I'm lonely... or is it because I actually like her... or is it because she's nice to me. The last two girls I've dated have been mistakes for one reason or another.... Rebekka... well, I knew right away that we shouldn't date... but I was lonely. And it hurt in the end. Christine... well, i liked her... but there wasn't much there... it was more me being lonely and having found someone who thought I was physically attractive.... but I'm sick of that... its soooooo unsatisfying.... Sure, we had a good time, but it was ultimately hollow... and i hate the fact that I don't talk with her now... its not that i dont like her or anythings... its more like, we weren't really compatable as friends... not enemies or anything... just two very different people...

and I feel myself going in that direction...What i neeed to do is stop trying... stop thinking about. I need to not worry about it for at least the next 20 days. But I just want to know... I'm tired... I think I'll go to bed early. I was going to throw in a movie. maybe I will still... but i sorta doubt it....

things were so much easier in high school. marta demanded that I go out with her.... Katie jumped on top of me... marta and I didn't break up... So im no good at this beginning part... because I never had a beginning part.. I just skipped all that bullshit. and I wasn't so eager... or anxious.. or something...

ohhhh... what does it matter? Even if i were to start dating someone, I'll most likely be hundreds of miles away next year. hundreds of miles away.... and It will only hurt to move.. sigh.... what the fuck... why can't anything ever be easy?

yay???

Is it foolish of me to give out my blog name to everyone? Ive been thinking about that recently. I mean, my blog is very not hard to find...if you know my name, you can find me. I mean, look at the url, for god's sake. But, yeah, so I mentioned it to Sarah yesterday...and I don't really regret it... but then again, I'm not sure I'd like her to read my post from the other day. hrmmmm... it certainly is a quandry... yup.... well.. I've decided that I don't care... This is stream of consciousness, free flowin' Stephen. And like beer, apple cider, and cigarettes, I prefer the unfiltered varieties... Because this space is for my bitching.... I hope that other people read it and laugh ocassionally...but ultimately I don't care.

So, anyway, I did go out with Sarah last night.... and well, still confused-sauce... but not really in bad way. I get a lot of the 'you're so nice' kinda stuff... Which is a fine thing to say, except its not always a compliment....yeah i'm nice... what do you expect, for me to be mean to you? Seriously now. But anyhoo... so we went out, under the pretense of doing work... and not surprisingly, no work was done... just a lot of chit chat.... and man, i had a great time. In fact, I awoke this morning after less than 6 hours of sleep feeling totally awesome! refreshed... ahhh... generally good outlook toward life.... ahhhh... yuppers... (of course, I'm not doing any work right now... but that will start soon enough). And of course, I didn't just ask... I was about to... I started to.. then I stopped... I will... maybe... could happen. We have tentative plans to go out later this week... sigh.....

on a final note, I think Bone Thugs 'N Harmony said it best: High techs and khakis when jackin, sawed-off, theres really no place to run. Niggas get vicious with my clique is. even the bitches carry guns. Basically, if you don't get it, Cleveland is so hard, EVEN THE BITCHES CARRY GUNS!!! Holy shit, that's one fucker of a towne (note the joking). But seriously... Cleveland rules. Westest of the East, Eastest of the Midwest, and the last line of defense against the Canadian Hordes (methinks we should consider a modern Hadrian's wall... wait, fuck that... even the bitches carry guns in cleveland... we'll hold off those hockey stick weilding, abOOt saying, back bacon eating bastards.). And now, even tho our sports teams are not so great, and even tho we broke murder records this summer, and even tho we are currently the 4th poorest big city in teh nation, and even tho our population is dwindling, we are officially the home town of the NEWEST IRON CHEF!!!! FUCK YEAH!!!! Welcome, Iron Chef Slovak (I'm just makign that part up... I dont' know what they'll call him) Michael Symon.... C-Towne Borne and bred.... you fucking rule..... and lemme tell you, he'll never lose, because if he does, his homies will roll in and bust a cap in the ass of his challenger. fuck yeah

confused zor

So, it's 2am and Im just getting home. Normally, I'd consider that a good thing. And it's defintitely not a bad thing. But i'm a little confused. So, I've been avoiding posting about her because I didn't really think that it mattered at all. And now that i think that it doesnt matter at all even more, I've decided to post for real...There is this girl... Sarah... and we've been getting along great. and She encouraged me to come out tonight. and it was great. I had a lot of fun. But i'm super confused right now. I thought at first the reason that she asked me out was that she was she was interested in me. Now, i think it may be that she just likes me 'as a friend' as they say. Which is ok. I like friends. I like girls being my friends. But the problem is that i got hope. Normally, I really good at shooting down hope as soon as it pokes its nasty head up there. Normally I shoot down any sexual feelings I have, any stupid crushes, and just go with the fact that 'she doesnt like me like that... but this girl... this one.. her... I couldn't.... and tonight I think was a definite downer for me. I mean, I had a good time... but well, I was hoping (there is that damn hope again) for evidence of something more. And well... I just took her friend home and am about to go to bed.... and the last thing she said to me was "you're nice to go out with." There is this other guy too who clearly was intersted in her... and I can't tell what to do... Aaron... I should just say something... I should do it... because if I don't, i'm just going to go nuts... ugh.. why does this all have to be so complex? I like her.... I'd like to spend more time with her... I just don't want anything to get weird.... I'd like her to like me back.... but i need to start living in reality... things are not like that.... I'm back to being Duckie... I'm the eccentric friend who doesnt get molly ringwald. And that's ok...but it can be a little lonely... .ultimately a little lonely. I'd like a friend... but I haven't had a girl friend in years.... and not one that i really cared about deeply in even longer.... and well, its making me sad.... I'm old... I want someone to want me... what's wrong with me... I make friends... people seem to like me... but no girl... I'm tired. I'm not sober... I'm going to bed.

chilly (with a y)

So, its cold today. Cold in a good way, tho... the past few days in the high 80s-90s was just wrong. I shouldn't turn on the A/C in October. However, I unfortunately did not prepare for just how chilly it would be today. And I'm not dressed for the weather. So I'm a bit cold.

Yesterday I took the GRE... felt ok... not stellar. Not too bad. just fine.

Also, went to dinner... sadly alone. I tried get someone to go with me, but that didn't work out. Oh well, I wasn't really expecting anything.

And saw The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters. Its this documentary about the greatest Donkey Kong player in the world ever and a challenge to his throne.

It was awesome. I'll do a proper write up when I get the chance. Right now I'm just checking in while I decide what my next move is as far as studying goes. I've got so much to do, I'm not quite sure what I want to do next. ugh...

Journal is really killing me a bit. I can't believe how much work it is. I just put about 30+ hours in to one article and now I've learned that there is a new verison of the article, possiblly screwing up a lot of the work that's already been done. I'm so frustrated I could scream. I can't even decide what to do. I need to focus on school--journal has to be secondary. sorry journal. sorry Erin.. fuck you prof. swire. If I could quickly draw up an ascii middle finger, i would.

ugh... i feel tired all of a sudden... oh well, back to work, i guess. Maybe whole foods pizza for dinner? maybe that will make me feel better. Its Frank's birthday, and he invited me out with him and his friends, but I just dont think I can. ugh... I really need this year to calm down and give me a chance to catch up.

confused, pretty much normal

So, yesterday I hung out with an old friend from high school. I see her about once a year or so and its always a nice time. I've had this soft spot ffor Anne ever since high school--for whatever reason. Not in like a sexual way. I've never been intersted in her in that way. But just in that way that I've always enjoyed her company. But since we parted ways, i've been sorta melancholy. I'm not sure why, but I can't seem to break out of this funk. hrm

so, tonight i have free tickets to this movie day watch. its the sequal to a movie called night watch that i never saw, but I know was fairly well received. so, i have hopes, but either way, its free...

i've been having that feeling like I want to run away again. I get this way every so often and can't really shake it. And Im like that right now. I just want to split and hide and not come back.

I'm also blidingly tired. I feel like its tuesday back at borders where I could sleepwalk thru the first 6 hours or so of my day. I miss tuesdays. honestly. I would work still work tuesday mornings if I could. Fridays were rad, of course, but tuesdays were cool because it was my day. whatever.

must try to work. so tired.

(Insert clever title here--perhaps one with a song lyric)

So the picture today is a little bit old. Actually, its a lot a bit old... almost exactly a year.... but its one of my all time favorites. I screwed around with Picasa to get it just right... and I just totally love it. I would have posted something new, but I have a lack of anything good. Cbus is not nearly as pretty as Allegheny. I know that is misspelled, but I dont really care.

Any way, today was a lot of work... I feel like cashing in my chips... I feel like says "you've beat me, law school.... i give." sigh...

Any way, I'm just lonely. I don't know why. It comes in waves. I go an entire weeked not feeling lonely, then a few days of school, and its back.

Whats a little odd is that i'm not at all depressed about the whole Karen thing. I mean, would I be happier if she had been more interested in me? Sure... but I really thought that I'd be waaaaay more sad about it. I can't figure it out.. ... part of me thinks that its because it was so liberating to actually ask someone out that my brain basically sees it as a mini-victory. A victory over my own stupidity, sure, but a victory nonetheless. Then, the other part of me thinks that that is maybe bullshit and the reason Im not depressed is because I assumed that she'd say no, and so when she did, I wasnt crushed.... that maybe it. eh... i dont really know. I will say to all you lonely guys out there... asking is officially better than not asking. and yes, i fully realize that im the only person reading this, but hey... that's okay too.....

Sigh, I dunno.... maybe I just need break. Maybe I shouldnt be depriving myself of wow. Maybe I should just run away. who knows?

I thought briefly about going to see the on-campus head shrink. Im not going to go... but...... I think I just want a friend who I can tell like important thoughts too. Guys dont always share feelings really well.... the people are law school are the equivalent of 'work buddies.' I think that's the only reason I want to date someone again.

there are 2 especially nice parts of dating (not including the whole sex aspect)... 1. having someone who cares if you wake up tomorrow morning. Sure, if I died, people would care... but I could lay dead in my bed for days before anyone would check on me. I remember when I was sick my senior year and marta came to visit me. That was nice.

2. someone to tell my concerns to who is not mom. Im sick of having mom as the person who is my counselor. I should have some sort of life of my own. I think that's why I talk about moving away all the time. I have some sort of blind belief that if I just go, there will be a life out there for me. but I know I'm deluding myself.

Allrighty.... this blog has been quite depressing. Im calling it here.... I'm only writing at this point because I dont want to do school work and I dont want to go to bed.

FUCK!!!! Im just feeling old and out of place....