sigh

still basking in the afterglow of my birthday a bit. I'm wondering when it will ware off. Because at this point, it'd be nice if it did so, because I feel my expectations rising to dangerous levels.

On the way here, I was listening to Mojave 3. Out of Tune, specifically... it always makes me think of Rebekka. Now, as i've said many times before, I hold nothing for her at all...nothing. at. all. but it never fails to make me a little sad when to think of how harsh our break up was. I suppose it's my fault... but things just would never have worked between us. Truthfully, things never should have worked as long as they did. But I was lonely and far too willing to pretend to change things about myself to suit her. That being said, I always thought of her as a good friend, even if we had that one major difference and it saddens me that I'm no longer friends with her. And that leads me to my current predicament. I'm developing far too many feelings for this friend of mine that I'm just setting myself up for diappointment. and then when she shoots me down.... when I finally ask her out and she shoots me down.... I'll be fine... because from my mentality (that I assume girls don't want to be with me as more than friends), and I'll still like her the same, but Im afraid she won't want to be with me in that way. fine. whatever. But what hurts is when I've weirded things and she feels odd being my friend because I've bared my heart a little too much.

I find it a little odd how scared I am to get emotionally invested with anyone considering how much I feel like I want to be emotionally invested in my friends in general. But it seems simple to me: I'm already emotionally invested. I don't want that taken away.

So there it is. What do I do? Do I admit how I feel and risk losing our friendship but possibly not. Or do I say nothing and go on with this little torch burning for her. I have no idea.

on an aside, I think Rebekka may have read this blog. To the few of you who read this blog who I don't know personally (that means you, Kathryn and Andrew) I have a little line of code that lets me know when people visit. Don't worry... don't get too weirded out...the only thing it really tells me is how often people from different cities visit the blog. So I know for a fact that I visit my blog about 3x as much as anyone else. but i also know that someone from Canton read it. interesting. It made me think about stopping writing. It made me wonder, yet again, why I write at all. Mainly because I need to write things down as I'm considering them. but they don't really get to the true stephen. they are just my inner dialogue. But It also made me think that at some level, i really don't want to accidently give people the wrong impression of who I am and what I think. Dunno....

I never understand why people who date can't be friends any more. Sure, there might be animocity, but since I'd prefer to date girls I'm good friends with first, and continue to be good friends with during, to me its like, ok there is some badness between us, but there's still a lot of you I like. and that other stuff, I can just ignore... that's teh benefit of just being friends and not dating. bad history is just that. history. forget it and move on.

but aparently thats the INTJ in me talking.

an odd thought

Still on the dating thing (it's been on my mind, what can I say)... I'm sitting right next to some couple who is clearly on a first date.... perhaps a blind date even. Perhaps even met on the internet. And few things make me want to date less than this... I can't handle how annoying the 'getting to know you' phase it... goddamn... that's why its so much better to actually know the person you are dating... And at the same time, maybe that means that its better to date now rather than later... because, well, these people are pathetic.... ugh..... I hope it works out for them... but like an interview, I'm personally of the opinion that you should be much more honest. "look, this isn't going to work out... I'm happy to have coffee with you, but lets be honest with ourselves and just go separate ways after tonght." It would work so well in teh interview world and in the dating world.... brutal honesty... sure, it'll suck up front, but down the road, i'm telling you, its way better.

sunday sunday sunday... we'll sell you the whole seat, but you'll only need, THE EDGE!!!!!!!

So, its time for the NEW READER update.... While she hasn't posted a comment yet to alert you all of her existence, she is a reader and thus deserves HER VERY OWN PROFILE, written by none other than yours truly

Name: Susan 'Suzi' (middle name unknown, so I'll guess) Elizabeth Schmidt
Title: Doctor-Doctor
Alternate title: D2R2
place of birth: unknown--guess: some suburb of columbus
current residence: C-bus, baby!!!!
eyes: brown (?)
hair: brown (do i know anyone who doesnt have brown hair?)
likes: fighting cancer, the buckeyes, Chiplote, felafel, dirty gurrlscouts (YEAH!!! who doesn't love a good dirty girl scout), pear sorbet Sean (her hammer tossin'/rock climbin'/chocolate lovin' man).
dislikes: ice cream with chunks, bagels with seeds, Michigan, when stephen is overly wussy, when stauf's is overly busy, Bo Yu, people who are high on themselves.
quote: "I'm just pretending to not listen (here with my headphones on), but in reality, I'm totally paying attention and waiting to throw in a burning zinger... tee hee"

Meeting our hero in his favorite hang out earlier this year, Suzi and Stephen soon became 'those people who sit in the same spots every day which happen to be right next to each other.' Something of a Stauf's Satler and Waldorf. But times are a'chanin' a bit. the second half of 2008 is a bit of a change of pace for this dual degree student. For the past two years, she's been in medical doctor school, but she has officially begun her 'more normal' life as a philosopher doctor student. After kicking some super tuff medical test-thing, she's now fully dedicated to looking thru microscopes for the next 4 years or so....... Smart, funny, and fun, the world is her oyster (I don't understand that phrase, but I'm goign to use it anyway).... and on top of everything, she dates a guy (Sean) who is really cool in his own right... yupppp, except for the excessive amounts of work, everything seems groovy on the Suzi front. And now she has joined our illustrious ranks (which is easily is the best resume filler that anyone can have)... (oh...and because I'm evil) there is a least one picture of her on the internet that is pretty easy to find (and not on facebook or something).

A quick note for Suzi... the other day Suzi took some time to 'encourage' me to grow some ballz and ask this girl out..... and she also encouraged everyone else in stauf's at the time to help 'encourage' me.... and I think she was worried that she offended me... But she should know that I realize that i'm a big sissy. And maybe one day I'll be man enough to actually ask... but right now. well, i'm a sissy...

actually, i said this to Phil the other day, and its an excuse, but I think its sadly true. I've been so busy recently that I dont have the time or energy to deal with 'dating.' A 'date' for me would be like 'hey baby, lets go sit in a coffee shop and read!' That's hot. oooooo..... I would especially have a hard time dating someone who didnt understand my insanity and who didn't understand the pressures that school/law school can put on you (me). And, one thing I didn't say to phil, is that I always get a little more scared when I'm feeling a little bit more lonely, because I don't want to go thru that whole dependency thing again... that hurt... and, the last long term relationship i was in I basically got into because I was lonely. And I made a lot of bad decisions becasue of that... I was blind to reality... and it really hurt in the end. guh.... anyhoo... i'm outtie.

Is it me???

I ran this theory by Jason, and he seemed to like it... so I'm going to propose it to the internet world. I have always considered my self an acquired taste--and its something I like about myself. Like beer or coffee, you may not like me the first time you try me. In fact, you may not like me the second time you try me. And diluted-me (read: coffee with milk and sugar or lite beer) is for sissies and you dont get the true me. But, with time, many people actually like the slightly intoxicating nature of me, and get used to me. Unfortunately, like many things that rock, too much of me and you can get sick. you need to build up your immunity to me, like iocane powder. Any way, what does any of this have to do with duckies? Well... here's the thing... I think that this acquired taste-ness of me (and Jason, and indeed most of the people I actually call friends) makes finding a girl really difficult. we are a bit hamstrung. because, what happens is that the girl doesnt want to go out with me right away... then, over time she realizes that she likes Stephen quite a bit... but, by that time, i've become...... A DUCKIE!!!! yup... "just a friend." "That kookie friend with the awesome fashion sense." The guy who totally gets fucked up the ass at the end of pretty in pink. As jason said, he had to settle for some other chick. Duckie wanted Andie. He DESERVED Andie. Rumor has it that if he had been played by Robert Downie Jr. he would have gotten Andie. Instead, he had to settle. What the fuck is up with that?

Any way... why all this... well... being a natural Duckie is both rewarding and frustrating. First, being an original... a unique person... an individual... is something I value more than almost anything. You can see that from those people I call "friend" (and not work/school buddy). And you can see why some people Iknow frustrate me so much... because they are happy being sheep... but I think the hazzard of being what I am--what we are--is this problem in the love department. We either become Duckies, or they dont like us, or they die from too much exposure (iocane powder is quite deadly).

I think these things have something to do with why, whenever I try to get someone to like me, it just doesnt work. its because, like coffee, or beer, or iocane powder, people have to try me willingly... and push thru the initial shock..... to get the alcohol/caffiene goodness

sigh... john hughes fucked all us duckies out there..... he should have had him get andie at the end of that movie... then, maybe i'd have more hope... maybe.

perhaps the trick is to find the female equivalent of duckie. is there one? I dont think annie potts counts.... not really anyway.

im not going to change any time soon. hell, its part of the reason i can never be an attorney... I cant settle... I just wont do it. Im not capable of giving up my free thoughts and conforming. I dont want to. Id rather die. maybe im being childish... but that's only because everyone else gives up and settles... I think that's dumb... not 'adult' or some shit like that....

any way... very tired... did much work today.... must go to bed

pathetic-ness

Actually, maybe pathetic-ness is not the best word for it. More like just a brief update. I'm still at Stauff's... as you probably should know by now. And I was talking to Jay (a guy who hangs out here) and Karen walked in... and yes... crush has left me. The actual reason I'm posting this is that if you check my post from last Saturday, this is almost exactly, down to the minute, one week later. sigh.... interesting. I wish it were prettier out... id go and take pictures. I wish that I had the time too. I wish I owned WoW. Must.... Not.... Cave.... Stay.... Strong!!! SPARTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I may post again later. Back to TMs.

this pic is a little bit old too. but I'm really happy how it came out. no flash, as always, propped on a table, fucked up my hair to look as moody as possible. I love my digicam.

(Insert clever title here--perhaps one with a song lyric)

So the picture today is a little bit old. Actually, its a lot a bit old... almost exactly a year.... but its one of my all time favorites. I screwed around with Picasa to get it just right... and I just totally love it. I would have posted something new, but I have a lack of anything good. Cbus is not nearly as pretty as Allegheny. I know that is misspelled, but I dont really care.

Any way, today was a lot of work... I feel like cashing in my chips... I feel like says "you've beat me, law school.... i give." sigh...

Any way, I'm just lonely. I don't know why. It comes in waves. I go an entire weeked not feeling lonely, then a few days of school, and its back.

Whats a little odd is that i'm not at all depressed about the whole Karen thing. I mean, would I be happier if she had been more interested in me? Sure... but I really thought that I'd be waaaaay more sad about it. I can't figure it out.. ... part of me thinks that its because it was so liberating to actually ask someone out that my brain basically sees it as a mini-victory. A victory over my own stupidity, sure, but a victory nonetheless. Then, the other part of me thinks that that is maybe bullshit and the reason Im not depressed is because I assumed that she'd say no, and so when she did, I wasnt crushed.... that maybe it. eh... i dont really know. I will say to all you lonely guys out there... asking is officially better than not asking. and yes, i fully realize that im the only person reading this, but hey... that's okay too.....

Sigh, I dunno.... maybe I just need break. Maybe I shouldnt be depriving myself of wow. Maybe I should just run away. who knows?

I thought briefly about going to see the on-campus head shrink. Im not going to go... but...... I think I just want a friend who I can tell like important thoughts too. Guys dont always share feelings really well.... the people are law school are the equivalent of 'work buddies.' I think that's the only reason I want to date someone again.

there are 2 especially nice parts of dating (not including the whole sex aspect)... 1. having someone who cares if you wake up tomorrow morning. Sure, if I died, people would care... but I could lay dead in my bed for days before anyone would check on me. I remember when I was sick my senior year and marta came to visit me. That was nice.

2. someone to tell my concerns to who is not mom. Im sick of having mom as the person who is my counselor. I should have some sort of life of my own. I think that's why I talk about moving away all the time. I have some sort of blind belief that if I just go, there will be a life out there for me. but I know I'm deluding myself.

Allrighty.... this blog has been quite depressing. Im calling it here.... I'm only writing at this point because I dont want to do school work and I dont want to go to bed.

FUCK!!!! Im just feeling old and out of place....