the truth

I don't have time to cogitate on it... and I've wanted to... but I just haven't had time to think about how I am and where I am after my embarrassment the other night. Is it weird that I really want to think about what it means in the sorta mythos that is stephen? Is it because I'm a geek.? Probably. I think its because I'm an INTJ.... from what i've read, we do those kinds of things. Oh well.... it happens, i guess... I think my problem right now is that I'm still holding out hope... Maybe I shouldn't admit to that. But i can't help it. But, being passive and a weird cat and the kind of guy who'd ultimately rather have a friend than a girlfriend, I won't act any differently, and it won't really affect me, but I'll carry a small torch. A very small little torch that no one can see burning... sigh... it sucks to be the duckie... just once i want to be blaine.

rejected

So, I definitely need my "to pretty girls: I'm lonely and pathetic, don't talk to me" t-shirt. I don't want to blog this, but I have to. I got shot down today. It was a gentle let down.. but it was a let down nonetheless. Actually, it would have been better if she had just said "I don't like you... go away." But she didn't. And well... the problem is that I don't feel any different. I feel rejected, but I still like her....I don't have the "you suck" sort of feeling. But I don't have the "walking on sunshine sort of feeling" either. I mean, of course its better to know...but its hard too because I don't feel like changing how I'm acting toward her. I don't even feel like I have to. its better to have a friend than not.... that's always true..but, would I have like it to be different... of course..... no question....so I went home, ate a bunch of chex mix... and now i feel sick....and am trying to do some more work before going to bed.... but... well... I'm hurt.... and its not her fault Its mine. for getting my hopes up...... Its like when Marta asked me if all my problems were caused by her. Well, yes.. but they were my problems... and I'd never blame her. Sarah... I know you said you don't read my blog... but, if you do... well... I won't be weird... I'm just going to continue to be me. but, well, its just sometimes hard for us lonely guys... Sometimes I hate being a ducky. the duck man... duck-er-ino.... sometimes, I wish I were more of a james spader... but alas.... the duckman, i am.... sarah... i just hope you understand that while I may need to be sad in my blog here, I'm not at all mad.... just... well... i continue to be alone. and i dont want to be alone. and that's something i've been trying to remedy. and apparently all the girls im into aren't into me. maybe i should set my sights lower. or maybe I should become a monk. or maybe i should just be ok with being alone. gaaaa.... oh well, a new friend who actually wants to spend time with me is actually a really great thing... still.... see below: (I'm off like a dirty shirt.)

"I want you to know: Despite my appearance at this function, I remain now, and will always be, a Duckman."

Is it me???

I ran this theory by Jason, and he seemed to like it... so I'm going to propose it to the internet world. I have always considered my self an acquired taste--and its something I like about myself. Like beer or coffee, you may not like me the first time you try me. In fact, you may not like me the second time you try me. And diluted-me (read: coffee with milk and sugar or lite beer) is for sissies and you dont get the true me. But, with time, many people actually like the slightly intoxicating nature of me, and get used to me. Unfortunately, like many things that rock, too much of me and you can get sick. you need to build up your immunity to me, like iocane powder. Any way, what does any of this have to do with duckies? Well... here's the thing... I think that this acquired taste-ness of me (and Jason, and indeed most of the people I actually call friends) makes finding a girl really difficult. we are a bit hamstrung. because, what happens is that the girl doesnt want to go out with me right away... then, over time she realizes that she likes Stephen quite a bit... but, by that time, i've become...... A DUCKIE!!!! yup... "just a friend." "That kookie friend with the awesome fashion sense." The guy who totally gets fucked up the ass at the end of pretty in pink. As jason said, he had to settle for some other chick. Duckie wanted Andie. He DESERVED Andie. Rumor has it that if he had been played by Robert Downie Jr. he would have gotten Andie. Instead, he had to settle. What the fuck is up with that?

Any way... why all this... well... being a natural Duckie is both rewarding and frustrating. First, being an original... a unique person... an individual... is something I value more than almost anything. You can see that from those people I call "friend" (and not work/school buddy). And you can see why some people Iknow frustrate me so much... because they are happy being sheep... but I think the hazzard of being what I am--what we are--is this problem in the love department. We either become Duckies, or they dont like us, or they die from too much exposure (iocane powder is quite deadly).

I think these things have something to do with why, whenever I try to get someone to like me, it just doesnt work. its because, like coffee, or beer, or iocane powder, people have to try me willingly... and push thru the initial shock..... to get the alcohol/caffiene goodness

sigh... john hughes fucked all us duckies out there..... he should have had him get andie at the end of that movie... then, maybe i'd have more hope... maybe.

perhaps the trick is to find the female equivalent of duckie. is there one? I dont think annie potts counts.... not really anyway.

im not going to change any time soon. hell, its part of the reason i can never be an attorney... I cant settle... I just wont do it. Im not capable of giving up my free thoughts and conforming. I dont want to. Id rather die. maybe im being childish... but that's only because everyone else gives up and settles... I think that's dumb... not 'adult' or some shit like that....

any way... very tired... did much work today.... must go to bed