tired

So, the good news is that I'm not nearly as insane as I was last night. The bad news is that I'm still going thru my anxiety thing. I'm no longer pining... and that's good...... I guess that I just felt like realy depressed and really confused and I really wanted someone there just for me. Let's face it, I needed a hug. Hell, i still need a hug

So I haven't written this because its not very real to me yet... but Uncle Bill died. I didn't know Uncle Bill very well... he was just Grandma's brother that I saw once every couple of years or so. But that doesnt mean that he wasnt family. On the contrary, he looked just like dad and grandma... so he was one of us, whether I knew him or not. And he gave me a bull. And I named that bull psychopath. And that's kinda awesome. Good bye Uncle Bill.... i wish I had known you better... I'm glad I got to see you a couple of months ago. Good bye.... the world is short one of my relatives... and that shouldn't be..... I no longer understand anything about life. And I dont understand anything about death. And I dont know why we go on. And I dont know why we strive every day to do something when ultimately, we are just going to leave this world.... ahhhh.. the cruel joke that is human consciousness. Why do we see things? It would be so much better if all we had to worry about is avoiding predators, eating ocassionally, and finding someone to spread our genes with. That is really the only purpose of life, anywya, right? To make sure that your genes are passed on? Right? Instead we can understand our own mortality. and that's awful. So we grasp for something greater than ourselves. LIke a god, or a country, or a football team, or a profession, or something. something that is timeless because we can't handle our or short span. but there is no way to live forever. Even if you make your mark, it is still, ultimately pointless. I dont know what I'm talking about. Im so tired I can't even see what I'm typing right now.