reflections

So, there is only a very short time before finals and I'm not at all ready. Yes, i'm nervous... yes, im denying my lack of preparedness... but I'm not that bothered today. Tonight I went out to dinner with Sarah. And it was great. but i have a little dilemma.... I dont know if its because I'm pathetic. I don't know if its because I'm lonely. I dont know if its because I've been single for so long. I dont know if its because I'm old... but I feel myself liking her more than is healthy for me. Because if it turns out that she's really not interested in anything, well, its going to hurt... Now, I haven't fallen off that cliff yet, but I feel it comming. I'm going to say something. I'm going to say something. I'm going to say something. but not right now. Not until class is over. not until finals are over. Then I'll have the guts.... maybe by then things will have answered for themselves. I mean, if I had to guess, I'd say that she's not sure where i stand either... but I'm just no good at this unsure, tippy toe, courting part of the relationship. I just want to know. Am I barking up the wrong tree? Do I have a chance? Am I doing the right things? I have no idea.

then i stop... or, more acctuatly, i just stopped... and I have to think, am i into her because I'm lonely... or is it because I actually like her... or is it because she's nice to me. The last two girls I've dated have been mistakes for one reason or another.... Rebekka... well, I knew right away that we shouldn't date... but I was lonely. And it hurt in the end. Christine... well, i liked her... but there wasn't much there... it was more me being lonely and having found someone who thought I was physically attractive.... but I'm sick of that... its soooooo unsatisfying.... Sure, we had a good time, but it was ultimately hollow... and i hate the fact that I don't talk with her now... its not that i dont like her or anythings... its more like, we weren't really compatable as friends... not enemies or anything... just two very different people...

and I feel myself going in that direction...What i neeed to do is stop trying... stop thinking about. I need to not worry about it for at least the next 20 days. But I just want to know... I'm tired... I think I'll go to bed early. I was going to throw in a movie. maybe I will still... but i sorta doubt it....

things were so much easier in high school. marta demanded that I go out with her.... Katie jumped on top of me... marta and I didn't break up... So im no good at this beginning part... because I never had a beginning part.. I just skipped all that bullshit. and I wasn't so eager... or anxious.. or something...

ohhhh... what does it matter? Even if i were to start dating someone, I'll most likely be hundreds of miles away next year. hundreds of miles away.... and It will only hurt to move.. sigh.... what the fuck... why can't anything ever be easy?