confused zor

So, it's 2am and Im just getting home. Normally, I'd consider that a good thing. And it's defintitely not a bad thing. But i'm a little confused. So, I've been avoiding posting about her because I didn't really think that it mattered at all. And now that i think that it doesnt matter at all even more, I've decided to post for real...There is this girl... Sarah... and we've been getting along great. and She encouraged me to come out tonight. and it was great. I had a lot of fun. But i'm super confused right now. I thought at first the reason that she asked me out was that she was she was interested in me. Now, i think it may be that she just likes me 'as a friend' as they say. Which is ok. I like friends. I like girls being my friends. But the problem is that i got hope. Normally, I really good at shooting down hope as soon as it pokes its nasty head up there. Normally I shoot down any sexual feelings I have, any stupid crushes, and just go with the fact that 'she doesnt like me like that... but this girl... this one.. her... I couldn't.... and tonight I think was a definite downer for me. I mean, I had a good time... but well, I was hoping (there is that damn hope again) for evidence of something more. And well... I just took her friend home and am about to go to bed.... and the last thing she said to me was "you're nice to go out with." There is this other guy too who clearly was intersted in her... and I can't tell what to do... Aaron... I should just say something... I should do it... because if I don't, i'm just going to go nuts... ugh.. why does this all have to be so complex? I like her.... I'd like to spend more time with her... I just don't want anything to get weird.... I'd like her to like me back.... but i need to start living in reality... things are not like that.... I'm back to being Duckie... I'm the eccentric friend who doesnt get molly ringwald. And that's ok...but it can be a little lonely... .ultimately a little lonely. I'd like a friend... but I haven't had a girl friend in years.... and not one that i really cared about deeply in even longer.... and well, its making me sad.... I'm old... I want someone to want me... what's wrong with me... I make friends... people seem to like me... but no girl... I'm tired. I'm not sober... I'm going to bed.

i know what i miss

I miss times just sitting around and bull shitting... I miss it sooooo much... Its so rare no a days that I actually don't have anything else on my mind so I can just sit around and bullshit... nope... now a days all I think about is what else I have to do, what i could be doing, and why I'm not enjoying myself (which is a sadly true and awful cycle). But i miss those times. I need that again... god i hope i get into this program at brown.... god i hope so... fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.....so distracted today... fuck fuck fuck fuck...that's what I like about stauf's... there is alot of bullshitting that goes on... and sometimes I get to join in.... but these days, its rarer than I'd like it to be.... just too much to do.... so, I'm avoiding it... ugh...that's sad for me

Friday Morning not doing work post

So, apparently, the Decemberists canceled their concerts that were supposed to be in Columbus next week. I was all about going and trying to force someone to come with me... But the screw up my plans. So, instead I'm listening to the Crane Wife and blogging about how much I'd really like to see them live. This album really is really good. As Kevin and I have called it: Dikensian Prog-Folk-Rock. I actually think that's a pretty good description. Maybe add another modifier like self important. or something about rhyming coriander with salamander. Dunno..... but yea... I think this is shaping up to be a lonely weekend for stephen. My wow Account just expired and I don't think I'm going to renew...at least not before December. Tho, I could change my mind... since, as I said... lonely weekend. I wanted to go home... but work and gas prices that are far more than I should pay told me to just stay here...... and well, I'm still hopeful that I'll go out with someone. I mean, realistically, that's probably not going to happen. My main goals for today are to work hard then go and buy Ratatoullie. 'Cause its great!!!! And finish my personal statements.... that's a biggie... oh well.. maybe I'll post again later. I just hop I dont have to eat dinner alone tonight.... that's the dream here.... maybe that will happen... maybe not... who knows?

blah.... back to school soon

Icky. tomorrow school starts up again. And only 4 weeks until its all over. I'm done 4-30. that's craziness. I've never been out of school in april. craziness. Any way, things here are gorgeous. Insanely nice out. I've done some good work today.... I've been trying to prepare for the end of the year. And evidence is comming along decently. Time to start working on TMs, I guess. Any way... this break was highly unentertaining. i've basically worked every day as if I actually had school. I had this take home exam to do. and i did it. and im highly scared that it sucks. I dont know anything about business stuff... oh well... I did see 3 movies last week. Inland Empire (can't wait to see it again), TMNT (fun fun stuff) and the host (that's like my 3rd Korean flick. I need more.) but way too much work
And spent money. Dell basically tells me that my 'puter is fucked and I need to do somethign very costly to fix it... that's obnoxious. how about, dell, you just build a decent computer from the get go.... why does it have to suck so much?
I only have part time work over the summer, so I'm going to apply to borders and see if they'll give me a few more hours. that may actually be fun... but damn, so many expenses over the summer
totally fed up with law school... beyond fed up

Every time I think I'm over my thing for Karen, it creeps up again. I was talking to her yesterday, and my stupid stomach was all a flutter.... what the fuck? Usually I'm so much better at casting off crushes.... but, aparently not this one. I chalk it up to being lonely
I'm starting to worry about myself more. i haven't been this continually depressed since I was at oberlin. the bad times. no, mind you, im not nearly as depressed as I was back then (read: not crying every day), but I basically down a lot. ugh... just lonely. And, i've caught myself doing something that I used to do.... saying things in my head, but not actually SAYING them..... I always thought that was fucked up... ugh....
any way... I know the problem. I want my own life. I feel like my life is still my parent's life. I have never divorced myself from home. I still call home home.... my aparentment is my room, usually... I dont know.....I'm just lonely
Ive been thinking about shaving my head recently. it might happen. not now, but some time.

there's really something I love about the tag function in blogger

I feel like I'm always waiting for something to happen. I feel like I'm always living inside my own head... I feel... i dont know.

Today's pic is outside of my apartment at like 730am. when I woke up, the sun looked totally rad (and red) so I tried to take a pic... oddly, that is not how I thought it looked when I was taking the pic... but I looks cool any way. of course, didn't have my glasses on... so that could have had somethign to do with it.

god I hope I get into grad school..... god please...

sigh

So, I obviously didnt take this pic. But I've had Sarah Silverman on the brain recently, so I figured i'd post a pic of her... She's so cute. And there is something that is so hot about a girl with as dirty a mouth as her. It ramps her hottness up just another level.
Any way, things are a little stinky here. I feel really bad because I went off on my mom today about my unhappy I am. I'm really goign to try not to call her to complain anymore. I so dont want my mom to be the person I turn to for support any more. But I just got pissed off and depressed and frustrated, so I called my. ugh. Any way... It's hard to explain, but I'm sick and tired of how lawyers think. I'm taking this class on friday saturday and sunday and I picked up the syllabus. And in it it "expressly prohibits" us from reading a few cases. It threatens us with failing and (for an honor code violation) it could difficult to get barred and in fact you could be booted out of the school. All if you were to decide to do extra work. for greater understanding. fuck law school. I can't believe they threaten you to prevent you from doing extra learning outside of class. fuckers. GAAAAHHHH!!! why threaten. I'd feel better if it just said "dont' read it. We will discuss the theories of the case in class. But I don't want you to read it before hand, because I want you to come to the answers yourself." But it didnt say that. Instead, it threatened me with expulsion. that mother fucker.
not a day goes by where i dont think about dropping out of law school

Im so frustrated. i just pray that I actually get into a grad program. Because if i dont, im fucked. because I wont be a lawyer and I wont be a student... so i'll just be a failure. fuck.
alright...... this was a bad post
im just lonely. ive been pretty much depressed and lonely for the past 3 weeks straight. even with other people, ive still been lonely. people around here.... i just don feel any sort of connection to. its not columbus. its not cbus' fault. but i dont really think its my fault either. I dont know....
im stopping. this was not a fun post. sorry

(Insert clever title here--perhaps one with a song lyric)

So the picture today is a little bit old. Actually, its a lot a bit old... almost exactly a year.... but its one of my all time favorites. I screwed around with Picasa to get it just right... and I just totally love it. I would have posted something new, but I have a lack of anything good. Cbus is not nearly as pretty as Allegheny. I know that is misspelled, but I dont really care.

Any way, today was a lot of work... I feel like cashing in my chips... I feel like says "you've beat me, law school.... i give." sigh...

Any way, I'm just lonely. I don't know why. It comes in waves. I go an entire weeked not feeling lonely, then a few days of school, and its back.

Whats a little odd is that i'm not at all depressed about the whole Karen thing. I mean, would I be happier if she had been more interested in me? Sure... but I really thought that I'd be waaaaay more sad about it. I can't figure it out.. ... part of me thinks that its because it was so liberating to actually ask someone out that my brain basically sees it as a mini-victory. A victory over my own stupidity, sure, but a victory nonetheless. Then, the other part of me thinks that that is maybe bullshit and the reason Im not depressed is because I assumed that she'd say no, and so when she did, I wasnt crushed.... that maybe it. eh... i dont really know. I will say to all you lonely guys out there... asking is officially better than not asking. and yes, i fully realize that im the only person reading this, but hey... that's okay too.....

Sigh, I dunno.... maybe I just need break. Maybe I shouldnt be depriving myself of wow. Maybe I should just run away. who knows?

I thought briefly about going to see the on-campus head shrink. Im not going to go... but...... I think I just want a friend who I can tell like important thoughts too. Guys dont always share feelings really well.... the people are law school are the equivalent of 'work buddies.' I think that's the only reason I want to date someone again.

there are 2 especially nice parts of dating (not including the whole sex aspect)... 1. having someone who cares if you wake up tomorrow morning. Sure, if I died, people would care... but I could lay dead in my bed for days before anyone would check on me. I remember when I was sick my senior year and marta came to visit me. That was nice.

2. someone to tell my concerns to who is not mom. Im sick of having mom as the person who is my counselor. I should have some sort of life of my own. I think that's why I talk about moving away all the time. I have some sort of blind belief that if I just go, there will be a life out there for me. but I know I'm deluding myself.

Allrighty.... this blog has been quite depressing. Im calling it here.... I'm only writing at this point because I dont want to do school work and I dont want to go to bed.

FUCK!!!! Im just feeling old and out of place....