go speed racer go!

speed racer is on cable right now. I really dug that movie. A lot. And watching it just for the 2 minutes that I did right now, I realize it wasn't some fluke. Sure, the movie was made to be seen on the big screen. the effects are purely awesome. But really, even without the awe of the candy-colored LSD trip that is the movie, its just great. Sure, its cheezy as all hell, but that's the point. It supposed to be hokey. Its supposed to be cheezy. But its not done ironically. Its a movie that says "hey, its ok to have fun at the movies. just. pure. fun." And on top of all that, I love Christina Ricci in it. I haven't liked her so much in a movie since she played Wednesday Adams...so its been a while. But the whole movie just screams "be a kid; enjoy a movie; have fun!" And i think that if people could just do that--could just have fun--it would have been a huge success. But for some reason, as people get older, they forget how to have simple fun. The fun of running around. The fun of stupid cartoons. The fun of running around in the year's first snow. Just fun without any wink wink nudge nudge or thoughts of decorum or 'adulthood.' I hope i never lose the ability to enjoy something like speed racer. Being an adult should not mean giving up, getting complacent, getting boring. We all need to learn how to appreciate and find joy in things again (me included, of course). Getting older should not mean dying.

By the way, i love the theme too. Its so beautifully 50s-60s cheeze-tastic.

I Was Born - Magnetic Fields

"Growing older is killing a child who laughed and smiled at anything." Only if you let it be. I won't.

by the way, thanks to everyone for commenting recently. I like reading them.

burn on

Burn On (Remastered LP Version) - Randy Newman

I told mom of my plans to drive up the PCH to San Francisco and maybe continue all the way up to Vancouver. I think she thought I was crazy, but it's hardly crazy. In fact, its a really simple trip. only problem is, there are about 100 places I want to go right now--I'm not sure where the PCH trip fits on my list.

So, last night I hung out with Zach for his 30th birthday. He didn't seem thrilled to be 30. But really, 30's not so bad; my year's sucked but not because of my age. Anyway, evertime I hang out with them, i remember again why I no longer smoke. Being stuck in a room with like 8 smokers all exhaling onto me, man... i still reek. I really enjoyed smoking when I did. The act of smoking, that is. The inhaling, exhaling. Not the nicotine. I actually hated the nicotine. But the physical act--that's what I liked. But I can't remember smelling so bad. Maybe it's becaus I did most of my smoking outside (or in my car, i suppose). Selective memory, I guess.

SO, I'm toying with the idea of going to Pittsburgh to the Warhol museum saturday. They're showing the Vader Project until May 3--which I think has never been in a 'real' museum before. It looks awesome and I'd really love to see it, but I'm not sure I want to go by myself. I can't decide...but it would be mighty cool to go. hrmmmm.

news flash!

NEWS FLASH!

Men like it when women smile at them!! HOLY CRAP NO WAY!?!?!! I just read a study that 'discovered' that when women smiled at them upon approaching, men viewed women more favorably. Wow. I had no idea? Who knew, indeed. Certainly this was a revolutionary study; Certainly it must have been a 50 year mega study done across generations, cultures, everything.

sheesh. Seriously, this wasn't in Cosmo or something. This was done by a true, honest to god psychological scientist. Its like, studies have shown that men don't like getting kicked in the groin. no kidding.

static

Static - Beck

I spend a lot of time just thinking about stuff. As I've said before, I often wish that I could make my mind shut up; It keeps me up at night and makes getting up in the morning difficult. I spend a particularly large amount of time thinking about my friends and acquaintances, trying to figure them out, trying to piece them together from the bits and pieces that I've learned about them thru the days and years I've known them. Or, of course, trying to make sense of myself. Is it weird that I dont think I fully understand myself? my instinct tells me that its not weird; that it's normal.

Yesterday I accidentally went off about religion and philosophy while talking to Nooree. I hope she wasn't too bored, but I so rarely get to talk about why humans are how they are, and what motivates us on a greater level. So I started talking and thinking and it was all downhill from there. It makes me definitely want to start on my phenomenology. I need to bust out my Hegel and start working on it.

I'm tired. I like 'heavy' thoughts and 'heavy' talk. I wish other people did. But I forget that other people don't really care about the things I care about. I need to remind myself of that.

Perfect Day - Lou Reed

libby

Parents Just Dont Understand - DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince

I need to buy Breathe Right strips for my dog. Maybe then she'd stop snoring.

I feel oddly conflicted about Guiding Light (one of mom's soaps) going off the air. On one hand, the show is terrible and I wish it weren't on every day. On the other hand, its been on forever (literally, it was on radio before TV) and mom's watched it forever. And by extension, I've at least been aware of it forever. odd.

so, one of the blogs i read--Gizmodo--has been doing a week dedicated to us audiophiles. Today, the writers have been talking about their first albums. And man oh man do i feel old. most of these kids (yes, kids) had albums from the 90s, as late as Let's Face It by Mighty Mighty Boss Tones (from 1997). My first albums were He's the DJ, I'm the Rapper by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince and Hysteria by Def Leppard. I got both from a magazine drive in 2nd grade. So I was about 8-9 so that would have been like 1987. they were both on Cassette. I think i may still have them somewhere. ha... shortly thereafter, I got Labor of Love by UB40.

hurtin'

Do You Believe in Magic - The Lovin Spoonful

My dog injured me the other day, and Im still in a bit of pain. Me running in one direction, her running in the other, me attached to her by leash, leash goes around tree, stephen's arm gets yanked hard like. I think it doesn't help that my posture is absolutely atrocious.

Today if filled with reading more legislative history and some old copyright provisions. Fun fun stuff. Basically, in the olden days, you had to register your work and deposit it and put notice on it (like that little (c) thing) for it to be copyrighted. today, much easier...just write it (or record it or whatever) and bam, copyright. BUUUUT, if you're in the US, you still have to register to be able to bring an infringment claim before the court. ok. boring. buuuuut, i'm reading about the before time, to see how the language has evolved. short answer...it hasn't, much. It's pretty silly, really. why would congress say you have a copyright and its protected but you can't actually enforce your rights? well, because congress is stupid.

I'm so excited; I have 2 people to show the Princess Bride to. I'm so excited. And once person to show Psycho to. I'm so excited. Princess Bride...i was worried at first that my love for it was like that of Goonies; ie driving 9/10 by nostalgia (tho, i maintain that its a great movie, even without nostalgia). But then i realized, no one dislikes the princess bride. Its just a beautiful, post modern fairy tale. And fairy tales are nice because they make you want to believe in magic. and who doesnt want to believe in magic, right? I wrote one of those once... I dont have a copy of it any more. it was inspired by Into the Woods and the Princess Bride. I wish I had a copy of it.

anyway, i'm trying to decide if i want to see mitsuko uchida perform in a few weeks. I do. i do. but im not sure i want to go it alone. well, maybe i will. she was pretty amazing. decisions.

a dream

I have a dream. its a little dream. a very little dream. I want to meet someone who hasn't seen The princess Bride and show it to him/her. I can't think of any movie so universally loved. I can't think of any movie that goes straight to my heart so strongly no matter how many 1000s of times i've seen it. I can only imagine that it was extraordinarily fun to make; the entire cast seems to be having a great time playing with all the cheeky, cheezy comedy. great great stuff. and it was written by an oberlin grad!!!! tee hee

wheee

My eyelashes are so long that, when i have my contacts in, I can actually see them. When the sun is shining in my eyes, they look like dust specks and I keep dabbing at my eyes trying to get the dirt away, but in reality, its just my crazy-long eyelashes. I could trim them with scissors.

thbbbbb

this was a hard weekend for me... here's hoping this week is better.

one april day

I just got really scared that i didn't pass the bar. very soon the truth will come out. very scared. actually, i'm very scared about everything right now. I'm feeling a little extra neurotic.



but, my love affair with stephin merritt continues.

please

argh

I'm like extraordinarily depressed right now and i have no idea why. I can't seem to shake it. i keep picking up the phone and thinking about calling people, but i hate calling like "hi im depressed, will you take pity on my for a few minutes." I hate sharing it.ugh...i think i'll drown my sorrows in reading some legislative history.

yesterday

while i can't focus for a minute...

yesterday had a lot of potential to suck. for some reason--a reason which I can't quite figure out yet--I randomly broke down crying for about 20 minutes. I was driving to meet Kevin and Erin for dinner when all of a sudden, i started crying, had to pull into a parking space, and just wept for about 20 minutes. I don't know why.

fortunately, kevin and erin arrived and cheered me up. We went to this place in lakewood called Melt Bar and Grilled, a funky sort of restaurant that 'specializes' in grilled cheese. not only was the food good, but hanging out with them both was great. awesome. now, i'm reading some supreme court cases about this up coming assignment for Merritt and trying to stay focused (its not working too well)... back at it.

exciting

I just cut myself shaving in an entirely new place. I cut myself almost everytime i shave, but this time, its just under my lower lip, in teh soul patch area. never done that before.

secret: I only ever shave for 3 reasons (or a combination of these three reasons. 1. a girl; 2. a job; 3. I can't handle how i look any more (usually once i cross the 8 day threshold.) secret 2: I almost always miss at least one spot (under my jaw on the left side. there's an indent there and i can't seem to get the hairs without ripping up my skin.

sleeeepy. i didn't sleep very well last night. I think it probably had something to do with the fact that once i got home from teh airport, i fell asleep until about 130. just couldn't sleep on the plane at all. too many screaming kids this time. normally i have no problemo sleeping on planes, but yesterday...different story.

anyway, LA. I quite enjoyed spending time with Kathryn. I like to think that I saw the "real LA" with her, since we didn't do anything touristy at all. We just kinda hung out, drove around, went to eat...normal stuff. I mean, i didn't even see the Hollywood sign. But when I go back, I'll have to do the touristy stuff. I want to walk around downtown with my camera and a sign on my back that says "kick me i'm an ohioan." Still, I haven't really processed my thoughts from the past couple of weeks. I think I'll start with Morrissey.

So, One week ago yesterday, I saw Morrissey in concert. And, not surprisingly, it was awesome. Now, I won't say that it was my favorite concert of all time. that spot is probably held by the magnetic fields (man was that show great!), but it was really awesome. First, Morrissey is just a great performer and his voice is fantastic. In fact, it sort of surprises me that his voice is so good after all these years. And, he performed these really wicked awesome of How soon is now.

How Soon Is Now? - The Smiths

They had this huge gong and a tympani drum on stage and at the end of the song, the drummer got up and beat the hell out of them both. awesome. Also, the version of Ask (my all time favorite Smiths song) was far more intense than the original. While I prefer the original (listen here for yourself), the new version fit the concert, which was, in general, pretty intense.

Ask - The Smiths

anyway, then, at the end of the show, probably 10-15 people tried to get on stage, and were subsequently thrown off by the bouncers. very bizzare. very fun.

Anyhoo. the show was great, and the whole trip to columbus was great.

Oh, interesting work related news from yesterday, which I actually have to get back to.... more on that later.

so many thoughts

so, the past 2 weeks have gone bye in a blur. Tomorrow evening, in about 24 hours, I'll be headed home for the end of my whirlwind trip thru my friends and kathryn's friends. All in all, its been a great, and much needed trip. I've only begun to have a chance to reflect on it. I think that's what a lot of my flight home will be: thinking. Again, i can't ever decide if i wish I could shut off my brain or not. whatever. right now, i have to sleep. First tho, I love you, man was really good. And what was particularly great about it is that it was really funny, but also very good at the same time. i love paul rudd. i love jason segal. i need to sleep.

LA one night down

So, last night at dinner we saw RON PERLMAN!!!!! YEA!!!! the rest of this trip could be cold and rainy and we could sit around on the couch, and i'd still have positive memories because of that. HE was out to dinner where we went with someone who was dressed like a faux native american (read: headband with 'native american' print, leather, long dark brown hair, stoic look) and who i can only assume was his son (they looked very similar.)

anyway, im awake and everyone else is a asleep. i may go for a walk.

LA, first impressions

Well, i'm veyr tired from traveling, but I should really try to do some work for prof merritt, so instead of either a. napping or b. doing work, what am i doing? typing here. But i figure this is slightly important. First, I love Palm trees. I'm sure its because they are so foreign to me, but I dunno, as soon as I got off the fly away in Van Nyes and saw the palm trees, I was instantly happy. it was like a signal that I was here. The weather right now is pretty much perfect. Its sunny and low 70s with a gentle breeze. im thinking I'll go for a run or a walk or something... but the aforementioned work is going to get in the way. for a little anyway.

On my flight, I was thinking that I can't decide whether its good or bad that I can't seem to shut off my mind. Even at night...when I have these crazy dreams that I dont really feel comfortable sharing with anyone. They can get pretty crazy. But during waking hours, I'm constantly pondering whatever comes in my mind. Its one reason I think i like people watching. Because I can thinking about them a bit, maybe think about what they're doing, their story, whatever. The downside is that when I want to not think, I can't. I go over things, past events, thousands of times in my head. Could I have done somethign differently. Could thinks be different. How would they be if they were different. Perhaps that's why i like time travel stories so much. But I wonder, am I not giving peopel enough credit. Is everyone like me, mind constantly racing? or do people actually have moments where their minds are quiet? And would I like it if i could quiet my mind. Sure, I think it makes me more socially aloof than most--the fact that my mind won't shut up--but I think its something about me that I actually like. Even if it does make me more aloof. I think i'm getting better at pretending not to be aloof, but i still am.

While driving from teh airport to where i was to meet Kathryn, I was thinking that LA is perhaps the perfect example of how I feel that my life is very dichotomous. At the very same time i felt annoyed and partially repulsed by all the pollution, construction, excess, everything everywhere I also felt intrigued amused and excited by it. I think, this is an ultimate statement of humanity conquering nature--a gi-freaking-gantic metropolis. I saw somethign I call "urban tumbleweed" blow across the highway (a piece of litter) and think, how amazing is it that some beings that started as monkey's in trees built all this concrete and retail shopping. And I want every gadget and toy every made. Then, at the very same time, I want to retreat to the middle of nowhere and start my farm and get off the grid... I love stuff but I hate it. I'm lonely but I deeply value my alone time. so many thoughts. I should do some work

shamed

I am ashamed of my meager musical skills. I'm going to go practice.



I also need to be able to read and speak more languages.

some thoughts

Well, its about 9am, i woke up about an hour ago, and i'm trying to make sense of the rest of my day. I'm meeting Missy for lunch, but that's not until 2, so I have many hours to kill before then... and I'm trying to focus on doing work, but I've got stuff going on in my mind.

One complaint an old friend used to have about me is that i need things to make sense and I play around with them in my head until they do. And i really bothers me when they don't. Now, that's probably an exaggeration. If something doesnt make sense, and I dont care about it, i usually stop thinking about it all together. but if I have any care, I suppose that's accurate.

The problem is, nothing makes sense. People recently have been saying to me "everything happens for a reason." But I just can't believe that. Look, i've been pretty nihilistic since high school. I just don't normally see patterns in what happens in the world, unless those patterns are bad crap keeps happening and good crap happens less and less. Now, true, i'm a pretty big pessimist. I've been trying to be more optimistic (honestly), but as I said to mom yesterday, why should I waste my time. Good stuff doesnt happen because you want it do. Bad stuff doesnt not happen because you dont want it to. It all just happens.

And herein lies the problem for me. I want to make sense of the world. I innately want to believe that there is some order. This is partly because I grew up religious and I was taught for so long that there was a greater authority in the universe, and this is partly because from my perspective, humans all want to find something greater. But everywhere I look, I see randomness and chaos. I see a path that, if it were to work out, everything would be just as I imagined. But then life never wants to actually go down that path. I feel, sometimes, like the more I hope for something to happen, the less likely it will happen. Perhaps that's why I never, never feel god about exams after they happen. if i feel good about it, i think i'll probably hex it.

For my whole high school life, i was taught about this correct path to follow. But there is no path. And this bothers me. because I want so much to understand the un-understandable. It hurts.

I feel like I want to go home to be with my family. I feel like i need a hug. Alrighty, this got a bit down, didn't it. I'm really not that physically down this morning; i'm just contemplative. serious does not necessarily = sad. Tho, maybe i need to be less serious. I'm definitely left with my own thoughts entirely too often.

ahhhh

This song just came up over the radio.



I used to listen to a lot of oldies, mainly because mom put them on in the car. Now, not so much. But I still have a soft spot for songs like this. it's really simple, really good, and rings true. ha....

ooo that's a tuff break for me...oh yea

I'm walkin'
yes indeed.
and i'm talkin'
'bout you and me.
and i'm hopin'
that you'll come back to meeeee, oh yea.

and I'm walkin'
down the steps
'cause it's easier
than walkin'
up the steps
HEY!
didn't slide
oh that's a tuff break for me, oh yea...

now i'm havin'
a small heart attack
but i'm recoverin'
and i'm ok now.

"when i say old reliable, i'm lying. because I've never tried this before."

ive changed locations

ive changed locations and now im trying to do some more work while listening to some motown. So, i dont normally listen to music while working because i can't always concentrate. but ocassionally, it ok. also, every once in a while, im driven without reason to listening to everything and anything motown. I think its because there is a raw, pure passion that these guys sing and perform with that's unbeatable, especially when i'm feeing emotional (as I do right now). Its akin to my obsession with disintegration, i'm sure.

Im thinking of my phenomenology again. and I'm thinking about a second dedicated to music. I think music is a truly wonderful and important thing. Its so beautifully human. But i dont understand why. birds sing to communicate, but its not quite teh same for humans (tho there is a communicative property to it.) I dunno. I've got to think.

I was thinking while speaking with nooree last night that she must get sick of me referring to songs and stuff. I can't help it. there's something about music that gets my brain thinking of things that i wasn't thinking about before. it conjures up emotions and associations and feelings and who knows.

I was also thinking of how personal an experience listening to the magnetic fields is for me. I realized that one reason i enjoy them so much is that stephin merritt always feels like he's singing to me. I so often identify with the melancholy, often cheesy, dramatic, and beautiful words. which is a little weird, since very often, i can't understand all the lyrics to most songs. but the magnetic fields are different. i get everything.

alright, back to work

grandview

Sitting in the grandview library trying to do work. Its really nice here; very large library. But I still think Solon beats it, just because of the quite room. Sure, this place is, on a whole, quieter than most libraries. But, I like to have a place I can go with a desk and a power supply and no talking. Here, I'm sitting next to a book shelf, running my power cord behind some books, and trying to get comfortable in a seat that is just a little too short for me to comfortably type.

Dinner and lunch with nooree were great. As always. I'm glad she came out with me. its always a great time with her. But no rollerskating, yet. We'll go eventually, but i think it's going to have to wait for a weekend.


There are still so many people I have to call. I'll try to do that tonight.

I feel awkward here a bit. First, I dont like being so far from home right now. I'm apprehensive because I just need to know that mom's ok. I'm sure she is, but im inexplicably worried.

should go back to work. lots of things going on in my mind right now.... but i'm saving those for me, i think. need time to think, to cogitate, not to write.

I feel like I've been doing a bit too much bearing of my soul to people and I may have to reel that in somewhat. I've been very vulnerable all year and even more so just recently. That's not always a good thing.

many question marks

Well... i may still get to sit for the exam after all. We shall see.

hrmph

I just wasn't listening to those who told me that it couldn't be done. i wasn't listening because it wasn't what i wanted to hear. I should have listened. man oh man... i'm pretty annoyed that i can apply to take the bar in just about any other state except the one i now want to stay in. hrmph.oh well... things just aren't working out so well right now.

well

well...i won't be taking the bar. damnit. I'm really disapointed. The first part of the application was due january 15... like right in the middle of my studying for bar #1. DAMN! this is really bad. Im going to call tomorrow and see if maybe my case merrits a special situation, but i highly doubt it. I'm really unhappy about this. Things just aren't working out right now.

i resolve

I resolve to use callipygian as much as I possibly can. what a great word.

I also resolve to make the phone calls i have to make...tomorrow.

I'm terrified of actually calling the people at the ohio bar just because I dont want them to tell me its useless. God I dont want to have to wait.

I need to sleep. Very tired.

ha!

The stupidest things amuse me. Like, for instance, that this word exists. I'm giggling like a school girl.

cal·li·pyg·i·an (kāl'ə-pĭj'ē-ən):
adj. Having beautifully proportioned buttocks.

[From Greek kallipugos : kalli-, beautiful (from kallos, beauty) + pugē, buttocks.]

grimace.

grimace. i've been censoring my posts again, and I don't like it. I'm not comfortable talking about everything here not just because I'm not comfortable talking about it, but also because I don't like to admit that i'm hurting and i dont like to admit when i'm dwelling. Well... no more censoring, if i can help it. I think i need to think through some things and i dont realy like putting the burden on my friends to hear me whine.

So.. since writing my first post today, i've been thinking a lot about how the odd aloofness that andrew and i share comes from dad. andrew and i are both aloof, but it manifests in different ways. but i think the reason is ultimately the same. its because we make different, maybe unconventional associations and other people don't really seem to understand. Its obvious from our senses of humor...

i just realized that i'm far too tired to explore this right now. more later.

who knows

So, I went to see Watchmen today. It was ok, which is about what i expected. But i suppose in that, it was ultimately disappointing, because it had the potential to be great, and it just wasn't. The acting was sooooo bad.

I spent another weekend avoiding making phone calls that I should make. I feel bad about it. But it's hard to make those calls when I know I have things to explain. Tomorrow I'm going to suck it up. But not till tomorrow.

Just a few days till columbus vacation. very excited. trying to figure out what Nooree and I should do. I'm really excited to see her. Doesn't really matter to me what we do, but I feel like I need to provide some sort of entertainment. My problem is that I really like hanging out with her and so I'm naturally hesitant to choosing things that prevent talking (like movies and the like.). Maybe its because I'm so used to doing things by myself (going to museums, going to movies, drivign around, doing whatever) that when I actually get someone to do something with me, i'm stumped. But doing things is fun together is fun. But we only have a limited time this week (because of work/travel and stuff), so i'm trying to find something that can balance hanging out with more excitement. Sadly, I don't think rollerskating is going to work. apparently, rinks don't have open skate every night. oh well.... it just gives us something to do when we have a weekend free.

need to do work.

Got oddly emotional during the credits sequence of watchmen as "The Times are a Changin'." It was easily the best sequence in the movie; and it's quite good. But there was something about the Bob Dylan paired with the nostalgic scenes that got to me. it used to be available online, but i can't seem to find it now. sigh. WB should realize that people will want to see the movie if they see the title sequence. it would be a better trailer than any of the trailers that were actually released.

lotta work to do. I did a lot of work this weekend, but i have a lot more to do tomorrow and tuesday. I'm going to lock myself in the library and get as much done as I can.

my head's still all fuzzy. I've been sleeping odd hours. can't seem to get back on a normal pattern.

should go. go do some work. thank you notes tomorrow. lots to do. tired.

ugh.

Not sure what's wrong with me. I've been wandering up and down in the house for hte past 5 hours without doing anything really. I've got this wicked headache. I shoudl have gone out with Kevin but I just couldn't get motivated.

Today I went to Oberlin for the first time in about 5 years. It was nice. Very pretty day. Megan and I got together at the Feve. I miss Megan and Carla. A full year working our asses off and complaining about Swire seems have been quite the bonding experience.

While I was in school there was, dad came and pick me up nearly every weekend and drive me back 2 days later. I remember when I was losing my mind, and I called my mom, and mom called dad to come out and get me. I never really gave my parents credit for how great they were to me when I was losing my mind. I gave them such shit when I was around that age, and they still rescued me from my insanity without question. It was like "Stephen's messed up; we have to help him; there's no question." That's amazing to me. I was so selfish. And it didn't matter. We fought so much and it didn't matter. I was hurting, and they helped because they're great.

Dad came to get me every weekend. Sure, it was only like 25 minutes from work, but it was an hour from home. Every weekend, so I could then leave and work and spend time with Marta. Every weekend. I was selfish.

I've thought of this a lot. Not just because of what happened, but because as much shit as I've given my parents, I still think of that as so great of them.

Alrighty... Im just being weapy. I need to stop.

ugh. my head hurts.

I'm excited about next week. I'm a little hesitant to leave mom alone, but i figure andrew is here, so that's good. But I can't stop the excitement. I need to escape. I can't wait to get back to columbus. I can't want to see Nooree (especially since time will be much happier and I may actually bring her chocolates like I've been trying for weeks and maybe we'll go roller skating but whatever we do will be fine with me because I just enjoy her company and maybe she'll be able to come out and play more than once). Im a little worried about having to answer questions about dad from 1/2 a millino people at Stauf's, but at the same time, it will be nice to have a bunch of people around who care. I hope maybe i'll get t ride bikes with Suzi and Sean. Hopefully Erica will show up. The chef may make me drink absinthe with him! And Morrissey!

ugh. my head hurts. god i hope the peeps at the bar let me take the test god i hope so.

THANK GOD!!!

First lucky thing to happen in 2 weeks just happened. ugh.

disarm

i continue to miss the 90s

hrm

As if the heavens are conspiring to make me contemplative and insecure about my relationship siwht my friend and family, this past week has done exactly that, continuing the 30th year trend.

This past saturday at the funeral made me, again, aware of how dichotomous my life is. I suppose this is true for many, if not most people. But it's something that never fails to give me pause. I want to leave, move far away, start over, be someone else; but at the same time, I really truly love my friends and family and I need them and i want to be with them. Part of me is extremely materialistic--I want goodies, toys, CDs, DVDs, cars, bikes. And the other part of me was looking into volunteer projects across the world (another idea that's been put on indefinite hold). And now, part of me exists before this thing, and part of me exists after. And the people from columbus all sort of symbolize my life after this thing, to me, because they never knew dad, and they never will. I talked enough of Suzi, Sean, and Nooree, that even forgetful dad would have known who they were. I can't count how many times I said to each of them "when you meet my dad, you'll understand," because he was a hard guy to explain. Mike, on the other hand, represents the me before this thing. And it was great that he was there. But, as if to further represent this dichotomy, I couldn't bring them together. Not that i expected them all to come out with us, but it would have been nice. It would have been nice to try to unite 2 parts of me, even if just symbolically. And I doubt I'll get the chance again...at least, not any time soon.

That, tho, is sorta how things have always been for me. I've always run with a few different crowds. At different times, they've come together, sorta, but they're still separate worlds. My Gilmour Friends and my chagrin friends; the guys at Gilmour and the girls. The Oberlin people and my home life. Now, law school and non law school. Or better, cleveland and columbus. I don't know what it means. I don't know that it means anything. but it makes me think. All of you mean so much to me...all of you...not just because of this...it's just coming out because of this...and I don't understand why you're all split into pieces. Its like I've said for the past several years: I like columbus, but I just wish I could move my whole friends and family there.

Today, I got into dad's car (again) and pointed myself in no particular direction (again). And I thought to myself. I'm having a hard time making decisions. I stared at a CD today for about 1/2 hour before I decided not to buy it.

I need to call people. I need to call Matt and Ro. I need get my crap together and submit it to the bar and pray that they'll actually let me sit for the exam. and I need to start applying for jobs again. ugh.

mom

I think it's the lawyer in me, but I'm very nervous about mom talking about all her investment plans with everyone regarding dad's life insurance money. I sort of feel she should old speak with me, andrew, kathryn, grandpa, Mike, and Dan about this money right now until we have some better idea of what we're doing. I just don't trust anyone other than us.

but I don't think mom would listen if i said anything. But I just don't trust them.

quick

I love Aimee Mann's voice.

I was reading some old papers of mine from when i was at oberlin. I'm amazed; I used to have original thoughts. Now, my brain feels fuzzy. sure, now is not a great time for clear thought, but it still bothers me that I feel far less creative than i used to be.

things here remain difficult. Today's better than yesterday, but i still find myself dwelling when im left to my own thoughts. Right now, i need to focus on figuring out if i can actually take the bar. god i hope i can. I really dont want to study for teh bar again, but its necessary.

I'm developing a list of things this whole thing has made me resolve. The first, is to be more open about how i feel toward my friends and family. the second is the push on my own life. The earrings, however, will stay. I still have to be me, right? I'll be fine in a firm if they let me do IP, right? who knows. i'm not very good at conforming. scratch that, im very bad at conforming.

Phil apparently passed my resume onto someone who works for Lee Fisher. I seriously doubt anything will work out, but we shall see. He also passed it to chef who "has some people who may be interested" whatever that means. I'm not holding my breath on either. I'm trying to develop a cover letter that just tells the truth: i was going to move, now im not moving because of some stuff, im only looking for experience. hopefully columbus wants me back.

funny...ive wanted to run away for so long, now, no running away. now...staying. and right now, that's the right thign... and right now,i'm ok with it. But why did it have to be because of this?

All y'alls in Ohio--you're stuck with me for a little bit longer.

almost

I almost drove ot columbus last night. I got in my car and headed south. I stopped myself short of actually going, but who knows what could happen. The time alone in the dark with some music seemed right. I need to get away for a bit. Sure, there's LA in a few weeks, but that's not quite what i mean. Marta offered me a spot on a couch in switzerland. I'm ready to leave tomorrow. but things need to be done here. things. important things. no escaping just yet.

odd

I'm oddly compelled to get rid of all my dad's clothes. I remember when my Vovo (my portuguese grandpa) died, and my Nana wanted to get rid of all his stuff right away. Will i regret it? Mom wants to get me fitted for some of dad's suits...but i doubt they'll fit. He was a bit bigger than me. And it's a little weird. but maybe it won't be weird.

Today I've been really odd. I've been grumpy all day and my voice seems to have left me. we went out to breakfast this morning and I sort of freaked out. I dont know what's wrong with me.

Mom's going thru pictures right now. Picture seem to be fun and cathartic for them; for me its very sad. They were looking at pictures of me at 1. I'm really sad dad will never get to see me with a real job, with kids of my own, with a life of my own.

I need to stop dwelling. But not today; maybe tomorrow.

still not ready

I'm still not ready to really write anything about it, but i'll say that today was way harder than I expected. I sort of thought after the past few days "ok, i've got the hang of this now." but i was totally wrong. It was brutally hard. I hope I didn't embarrass myself too much in front of my columbus friends. It was great for them to come up, but man or man, i was crying the whole time. it was hard. it was great for all those people to care about me, but it was hard. tho, probably better than sitting alone in the dark, like I imagined i wanted to do.

????

Things here are so screwed up. I need time alone. I went for a drive today just to escape. Maybe I should drink more. I feel a bit bad because of people coming from columbus don't have to come. I dont want people making a fuss about me; i want them making a fuss about my dad. now is not my time; now is my dad's time. ugh. my stomach hurts my current diet of pita chips, croutons, and red bull probably needs to get better. ugh ugh ugh.

Cut your hair

I've been listening to a lot of pavement recently. I'm trying to develop a theory about their lyrics. They tend to be very estoeric, to the point of nonsense. But I actually think Stephen Malkmus has a point in his lyrics. Currently, i'm of the opinion that each line, or perhaps cuplet makes sense by itself, but not necessarily with the other lines around it. So each is a part of a story. I'm not totally sure, tho, if each song has a unifying theme. I have to think more.

I think Im predisposed to liking people named StePHen.

Anyway, this song is really great and the video is perfect for it. It's just as free flowing, strange, nonsensical, but with a seeming purpose as the song itself. Alrighty, back to work. gotta catch up on some stuff and get ahead because I won't have much time next week.

pretty flowers

So, I'm here at the Botanical gardens, about to write out a cover letter for a job (or 2) that I probably won't get an interview for. I could do some research. I may do some research. But really, i just want to hang out in teh rain forrest display and breath well there's a lot of oxygen in there. I'm considering buying an orchid or 2, but i understand that they're like ridiculously hard to take care of. And since I'd probably just give it away, I don't know if its a good idea to buy a flower for someone that will almost certainly die. So i can't decide. we shall see.

Anyway, its really nice here. My only small reservation is that there are a ton of people around. As with most things, I only ever want to share them with a few other people. I don't like having to fight my way to see a flower. but whatever. it was really pretty. My camera died when i was about 2/3 of hte way thru the exhibit, but i got some good pictures. including one of a plant called a pachypodium. I thought andrew would like that. Its a Pachy-podium, or elephant's foot. Love the name. love it. anyway, I should finish up this cover letter

The 15, party two

Here's the second part to 15 albums that had a 'profound' effect on me. I've decided that it's waaay too damn long for the FB. So the only people who get to read it are you guys. Also, I just had my first re-tweet on twitter! It was exciting because I got re-tweeted by the columbus Underground, one of the free papers in "the bus." very cool.

8. Piano Concertos 19 and 23 performed by Murray Perahia – Mozart. I listened to this album almost every day during my 3rd year in law school, banking on the Mozart effect to help my brain learn. I wonder if it worked. I later saw Mitsuko Uchida perform Concerto 23 with the Cleveland Orchestra. It was WAY better than the CD. If it were up to me, classical music would only be listened to live.

9. Sea Change – Beck. When people tell me they don’t like Beck, I almost immediately burn for them this album. I didn’t like Beck before I listened to this. Now, I’m a proud, born again Beck fanatic. If there is an album that rivals the heartbreaking honesty of Pinkerton, it’s Sea Change. Honest story, every time I listen al the way through, I get misty eyed. It’s just so sad and beautiful.

10. When I Woke – Rusted Root. During my senior year in high school, I listened to three things during my drive to and from school (about a 40 minute total drive each day): classical radio, NPR, or When I Woke. It’s still a great album, even if I don’t listen to it as often any more. Musically, its outstanding. Rusted Root was also my first concert (I’ve seen them 3 times now) and it was all because of this album.

11. The Music from Les Miserables. I should be ashamed of how many times of screamed “do you hear the people sing” at the top of my lungs while listening to this album. I should be ashamed, but I’m not.

12. Here Come the ABCs – They Might Be Giants. How can I choose one album by TMBG that’s the most important to me? I can’t. Apollo 18 is a better album. Sever Tire Damage was my first. Factry Showroom is probably the one I listen to the most. But why this one, then? I’ve seen TMBG live 4 times now, and each time was better than the last. I chose this one, however, because its signed by the Johns (they don’t do autographs that often) and because when I got ti, Kevin and I had gone to Borders store 1 in Ann Arbor Michigan to see the Giants perform a free show for kids. It was awesome. At one point, I honestly thought we were going to stomp right thru the floor and crush the customers below. Man, that was amazing.

13. London Calling – The Clash. Another perfect record. I’m not even sure how one band could pack so much greatness into 1 hour over 19 songs. I return to this album with frequency and it never seems to get old. Brilliant.

14. Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness – The Smashing Pumpkins. People like to say that they don’t like the Pumpkins, but I never actually believe them. Why? Because this album is a double disk of pure awesomeness. The range is amazing: hard-hitting metal tracks mix perfectly with sweet, sappy, lovey dovey songs. And then there are Billy Corgan’s bizarre-genius lyrics. Great record.

15. Graceland – Paul Simon. I used to listen to A LOT of Paul Simon. This album is undoubtedly one of the best records of all time. Again, start to finish, it’s perfect. Anyone—ANYONE—can enjoy it. And, Paul Simon has about my vocal range, so I feel ok singing alone.

Honorable mention: Whipped Cream and Other Delights – Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. There’s a reason this album was the 3rd best selling record of the 60s—because its great. While I was at Borders, my manager John and I were on a quest to sell the crap out of this record. And we did. Basically every time I put it on, someone would buy it, often after saying something like “I remember my DAD listening to this!” It’s great; seriously, give it a listen some time.

my 15

So, Erin tagged me in a facbook note yesterday about 15 albums that have had a 'profound' effect on me. I wrote the list out, and a bunch of reasons. Here it is; it may appear on facebook, or it may not. I haven't decided. It's really long. Here's the first half. Tomorrow, more.

1. The Fragile – Nine Inch Nails. My all time favorite album, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. Every time I put it on, I’m reminded once again how much I love it. I still remember buying the Fragile from this music store in Oberlin. I said to my friend Kelsey at the time that I was pretty cheap about most things, but I was willing to spend just about anything on music and books. That’s still true.

2. Disintegration – The Cure. My number 2 favorite album of all time. A friend once said that some days, she just likes to pull the covers over her head and listen to the Cure. Another friend said that “the souls of the depressed always find their way back to Robert Smith.” Both are incredibly true. This album is one of those perfect albums; from start to finish there is nothing wrong with it and there is no room to critize. I think Stan said it best: “Thanks Robert Smith! Disintegration is the best album EVER!” How true.

3. Pinkerton –Weezer. I don’t think I’ve ever listened to a more honest album tahnk Pinkerton. Sure, it’s the trendy choice as everyone’s favorite Weezer album, and it’s even more trendy to say: “Yea, I used to like Weezer, back in the Pinkerton days. But now they suck.” But that doesn’t really change how great this album really is. Great hooks mixed with heart wrenching loneliness; It’s no wonder Rivers Cuomo hasn’t gone back to that place in any album since—it must have hurt.

4. Off the Deep End – Weird Al Yankovic. Weird Al is the first musician I ever really got into. I actually think he’s quite talented, besides being hysterical. This was also the first CD I ever bought; way back in 1992 when I was in Florida with a friend. Its still great.

5. Animals – Pink Floyd. I can’t count the number of times I drove home at around 3am from Cleveland Heights listening to Animals. Marta introduced me to Pink Floyd, and I haven’t looked back. Animals is way better than the Wall; more concise, more clever musically and lyrically, and more purely intense. A great listen; I can’t wait to buy this one on vinyl (when I finally get my turn table).

6. KMFDM – XTORT. There are two reasons this album will forever hold a special place in my heart. First, Dogma. Dogma is the first track from it, and by far the best. Nicole Blackman’s lyrics still resonate true to me today, and I still quote is constantly (see my profile page for “Let’s stop saying don’t quote me, because if no one quotes you, you haven’t said a thing worth saying.” During my senior year in high school, I tried my hardest to quote it in every paper I wrote. Perhaps that’s why Mrs. Kenny was worried about me. Oh well. Second, Mike and the Bloodmobile. Back when we got this disk, Mike got his hands on a bumper sticker for it, which he plopped on the butt-sticking in the sky end of his Buick Park Avenue. That car scared the crap out of everyone; the sticker didn’t help.

7. 69 Love Songs vol. 1 – The Magnetic Fields. I still remember the first time I heard this album. We were closing one night at Borders and some girl put it on. I was kind of half listening, like I normally did, when all of a sudden, I caught the line “Come back from San Francisco, and kiss me I’ve quite smoking. I miss doing the wild thing with you.” Since that day, the Magnetic Fields have been tied for first in my favorite bands list. AND, I got to see them live. It ruled.

obviously i had to post this. For all those who don't know, Scott Weiland is the former lead singer of stone temple pilots then the lead singer of Velvet Revolver, and a graduate of Kenston High School (where my Brother and Sister went). So, basically everything he does, I support. Even tho this song kinda sucks and the video is real boring, doesn't matter. Gotta stick up for it.



Bone is also from Cleveland. And so, again, I have to support them. Thankfully, this song is way better than Scott Weiland's. You gotta love hard-ass rappers who sample phil collins, right? Apparently, the song did so well in the UK, that Bone adopted Phil Collins into their crew, as Chrome Bone. I should post cleveland is the city right here.

Back On The Chain Gang - Pretenders

Chrissie Hynde is from Akron. That's close enough. Recently she returned home and opened up a vegan restaurant in Akron. I'd like to go, but I don't really want to go to Akron at all, least of all by myself. Maybe if i can convince someone to go with me, I'll check it out. rumor has it that she's around a lot.

Fast Car - Tracy Chapman

Tracy Chapman's also from Akron. Her voice is amazing.

So me... not a famous musician... yet. As for now, I read ultra boring statutes. very very boring. I think i'll do a little bit of that right now, in fact.

reading statutes = boring

this video is really really strange, but I kinda dig the song. I mean, its not really great, but it has a cool new wavy-thing going for it.

back at it

So.... i started working for the election law crew again. it should be about 2-3 weeks of work. So a nice little bit of money. I Think i deserve more tho... because it's so damn boring. basically, i read a bunch of statues and try to answer many different questions from them. And I've come to an important conclusion: states suck at statue writing. The feds are pretty bad too. but I'm just reading state statutes right now, and man do they suck. I think they basically try to make it as hard as possible to figure out relatively easy questions. "how many days before an election do i have to request an absentee ballot?" That should be easy, right? Well, it's not. not always. They like to bury it in there so that it takes 10 minutes of reading just to find (7). So, here's what i think. I should offer my serves to states to fix their codes. Sure, i know no one would take me up on it, but i think ti would be a valuable service. If only it would work....

In just a week, Nooree and I will be going to see the reduced shakespeare company perform complete hollywood. I'm totally excited. I hope she is too... I hope i'm not just dragging her to this thing. This will be the first play i've seen in years. years. And it should be hysterical. And of course, it will be great to hang out with Nooree. Tho, I'd like to have more chit-chat time with her...still, the play should be great. And maybe i can convince her to go out with me again over the weekend. teehee! anyhoo, I can't wait to start writing plays again; i'm going to go to the library and take out some plays ot read. but before that, more research. more and more. If this paid me on a steady basis, it wouldn't be so bad, i suppose..... which reminds me, gotta write a couple cover letters tonight. and i hope i hear back from Kathleen. I dont expect anything. but it's be kinda cool to work with the ohio house for a year. i feel like ive been avoiding politics for so long when its one of the few things ive had an aptitude for. of course, i dont like it at all.... wait. not quite... its really that i dont trust politicians and think they're mostly scummy. And I wouldn't want that for me. but maybe if i here a politician, i'd be a good one. wait... ok, im sounding kuuuuraaaaazzzzeeee...

always feeling cheezy

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

I was f-ing there, yo!!!!

greatest. concert. ever. The reason I go to concerts. If you're curious, a fuse blew 1 song into their set, so we were all like "what the crap!" so the Johns came out and did 2 accoustic songs for us and it was pretty much the greatest thing ever since the time i was at borders and a bunch of young girls came up to me and told me I looked like Johnny Depp.



This may be my favorite TMBG song. I can't ever decide. Whatever.. even if its only in the top 5, i think it still perfectly shows why i love them. Kookie, catchy, honest, heartfelt, and heartbreaking. In a word, brilliant. "now let's toast the sad cold fact, our love's never coming back. and we'll race to the bottom of a glass..."



I love this video; i love this song.

They Might Be Giants-Ana Ng


can you tell that i was supposed to be doing election law work today, but that got messed up because of stupid westlaw not cooperating?

Kevin once described TMBG as a security blanket of sorts. That he doesnt listen to them all the time any more, but everytime he goes back (and we all go back), its like revisiting old friends. I know exactly how he feels.

whelp

So....my long drive to and from Columbus always gives me a lot of time to think. I actually really enjoy long drives by myself. I get to listen to some NPR, maybe some this american life, music, and just sort of think, because the drive barely takes any attention. Yesterday, on the way back, I spent most of the time thinking about Kathryn and her current woes. Don't worry, Kathryn, I'm not going to go into it here. Instead, I'll just say that Kathryn and I are very alike in some respects and very different in others, when it comes to dealing with our friends. And I feel terribly for her right now, because there's just nothing I can do. i'm going to try to come out to LA to see her, but that's really it. I can't exactly understand the pain she feels right now because I've never been hurt that way. I get hurt differently. I retreat and give up. and now, where I am in my life, after giving up, I usually just accept it. I try not to think things will turn out how i hope they will any more. I find it safer that way. I dont think kathryn does that. And truthfully, i'm far to guarded to let myself get hurt that way. Sure, years ago a friend beat me up. and that was the most betrayed I've ever felt. Physically and emotionally hurt. But since then, since I let go of my grudges regarding that whole period of my life, I think I understand my friends differently than I did before. I told a friend a little bit ago that I don't get upset with my friends any more; at least, not for any longer than a few minutes. And I think it's because..... well, i dont know. I think it's because I ask less of them than I did back in the dark times. I think i expect less. And if something happens that isn't how i'd like it to happen, I kinda just say "whelp, so it goes." Which is odd, because I'm not at all like that for myself. All I can do for myself I wish things were different. I think i just expect people to forget about me when i'm not around. That's not a very nice thing to say.

Anyway, Columbus was a good trip, tho I wish I had gotten the chance to see Nooree. Oh well...that was unfortunate. the brownies came out really well. and I guess I'll be doign some work for election law again. booo... but at least it pays something. again, beggars can't be choosers,

ok, time to go mail my barbri books back.