on a rather warm day...

Jason just sent this to me. I feel like I need to copy and paste it here for all the Ohioans who may read this blog. It's pretty funny.

It's winter in Ohio
And the gentle breezes blow-
Seventy miles an hour
At twenty-five below.
Oh how I love Ohio
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Ohio
Cause I'm frozen to the ground.

and because i feel its appropriate: There's no surf in Cleveland, by the Euclid Beach Band. enjoy.

oh crapola

So... three weeks left. And a whole lot of memorizing to do. god am i nervous. ok, enough of that.no more bar talk.

I was just watching Meet the Press and a whole lot of sad talk about the economy. I really need to stop watching that. I'm never going to find a real job. Here was the basic message: all the country is going to do for the next year at least is loose jobs. awesome. ok. moving on.

I bought a CD yesterday. Dear Science by TV on the Radio. Mike mentioned the band to me, and I decided to check them out. The song I have embedded above is my favorite on teh album so far. I think it's a pretty incredible song... The album itself is sort of all over the place. It has world music sort of indie feel mellow songs like this as well as straight funk songs and then more standard indie sounding things. Really enjoyable. And, I just read that one of the guys in the band was in Rachael Getting Married. In fact, he was getting married to Rachael. by the way, Anne Hathaway was incredible in that movie.

This TV on the Radio album as made me think of jamiroquai. I've always liked Jamiroquai and sorta felt that they unfortunately were too popular with cosmic girl and virtual insanity, because I think people just assume that they are a one hit wonder. But having listened to 3 of their albums, I think they're quite good. ANNNND, virtual insanity was, i believe, written by Stevie Wonder. That's pretty hard to beat.

Anyway, I've wasted a ton of time today. I need to finish what i should be doing.

thanks for the memories

not quite working yet

had to post this. such a great concert.

one more mmmbop thought

Aldrien agrees with my last post. He's a great uke player, but I prefer the girls. They're kinda perfect for the song.

one final mmmbop thought

ok. the hanson version actually isn't that bad. its like pure bubblegum pop and kinda cute in its own right. and i love how into the drumming the little one gets. he's pretty adorable.

quicky

I just read that those girls actually won the Bushman ukulele contest this year (that I believe Julia Nunes won last year). I can believe it SOOO CUTE. I just listened to the original Hanson MmmBop, and it's nowhere as cute. What does this mean? Cute little girls playing the uke trump ratty-haired teenage boys any day. It also proves that the 90s STILL RULE as far as music goes. yea. back to work

sooo cute!

I wont lie. This is pretty awesome, even if it is Mmmbop.

TAAAAAAX

Thanks for the memories.

As of yesterday around 4pm, Winnie Cooper left my life. And I was genuinely a little sad. I know it's silly... I just can't help it. I think it boils down to 3 basic thoughts. First, she was my first car that I chose, I picked out, and I put all the miles on. Before, I'd only had used cars that were picked out and paid for by the parents. But Winnie. She was mine, from teh model, to the color, to the monthly payments. Second, she was really my dream car when I got her. WhenI was looking for a car 4 years ago, I had the thought of Civic or corolla in my mind. I just couldn't imagine being able to afford anything else. But We priced them out, and the mini was basically the same as i was paying for my accord right before that. And the Mini was like a dream to me. I loved the styling right up until the end. Just looking at it never got old. And I loved the color. Yellow with a black roof. My choice. A distinctive choice. And I love love love being a Mini Driver. Just the other day I had a note in my windshield wiper about how we mini drivers have to stick together. That's great.

Finally, it was yet another end of an era. Every time something comes to an "end" it forces me to look back, reminisce, think about what's happend since I got Winnie. Think about what's happened since I turned 16. Think about the time Kevin and I drove to Oberlin...the last time I was there.... to see Sufjan Stevens.... Think about the time Kevin, Andrew, Andy, and I went to see They Might Be Giants and I had to cram my car into the tiniest spot possible. and did. Think about my time in columbus...the few people who ever rode in Winnie. Sigh. I will miss her... as stupid as it is to miss a car.

I wish I could write more, but I'm just so tired. Bar studying takes so much out of me that by this time daily I'm about ready to pass out. Then when I try to, I can't sleep.

I just finished a tax practice essay. It went ok... I'd say if I'm aiming for the 'slide by' standard, I hit that. but not much more.

Bar studying goes. I'm supposed to do a practice MPT and Essay portion tomorrow, but I've decided to push it back by a day and do what i'm scheduled for on Friday. Nooree gave me a little pep talk yesterday, and that was nice. But I feel like I learn all this stuff very slowly. I dunno.I'm just scared. and tired.

I'm so totally moving to Hawaii if I'm still single, alone, and lonely when I turn 40. I'm just going to drop whatever I'm doing and go figure things out in paradise. My iGoogle theme is Hawaii, and sometimes i just stare at the surf. I've never surfed. I'd like to surf. It sounds fun. I used to skateboard. I should be able to surf. I'm tired. I think I'm delusional.

The below video doesn't really have anyting to do with Hawaii, except it's a ukulele orchestra. And Andrew, you've seen this I know. but anyone who hasn't, it's the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain playing the theme to the good the bad and the ugly (il bueno, il bruto, y il catevo) composed by Ennio Morricone (the great!). It's pretty damn bad ass. I need to practice more.

I've been looking so long at these pictures of you, that I almost believe that their real

I take blurry photos. Well, not every photo I take is blurry, but I've realized that the ones I like best are almost always blurry, often underexposed (not overexposed, tho I have some of those too), I'm fond of natural lighting (I almost never use a flash), I like when the subject is not in the center of the frame, and some of my favorite pictures have not focused on faces. Instead, the subject tends to be looking away, or the face is not in focus, or something.

I've tried to figure out what it is about these kinds of photos that I love so much. part is surely because I think it looks vaguely arty. As Andrew makes fun of me, they're my Doughty pictures, because Mike Doughty has a way of taking blurry photos. But also, i often say that I think they are more like memories than other photos. They are blurry, unclear, but evocative of the time and place. And they are detached from reality, just a bit.

I really need to get to work, but I've been thinking about something someone said to me the other day. That sometimes you want to remember something, and a photograph is not quite right. I understand that. I really do. somethings are so personal, that you want to be able to relive the moment in your mind. You don't want an artifical representation of it. It's yours and yours alone. And certainly there are times like that. But I'm a bit conflicted. Because I have never, not once, said, I wish I had less photos. Instead, I think back to my time at Oberlin. The time when I can't remember anything. And I think, I really wish I had at least a few pictures from Keep. Maybe I could put names to the faces that ocassionally pop into my head. Maybe I would remember more than the ocassional flash, triggered by nothing, that hits me without notice. Maybe.

One thing I do not like is photoshop. Sure, its fun, but I have these issues with things like my Uncle Dan does, editing out people, editing in grass, etc. etc. because that is substituting your real memory for false memories. Sure, the picutre looks good, but at what cost? I think this goes back to what nooree said...sometimes you want to remember, not have a picture. And in that way, with the photoshop, your changing your memories. That, i do not like.

Ok, back to property. ugh. I really want to not.

HA!!! HAHAH!!!

just did a Corporations practice essay. Felt like I was sucking the whole time, and certainly it could have been better, but the answer is not THAT off.

by the way, isnt that picture awesome? if you dont get it, see this link

So tired. gotta do some more tho

Run-ins with the reindeer man

There's this guy who shops at Borders who everyone there calls "Reindeer man." The name has something to do with during the christmas season, he wears a hat with antlers on it. Or something. I have to admit, I've never seen the hat myself. I have, however, seen the man. And he is certainly sufficiently strange to warrant notice. And he's sitting behind me right now, kinda mumbling to himself occasionally. He was here on Saturday too (at the Solon library). I'm don't know what it is about him, but he's just so curious and odd. Curiouser and curiouser indeed.

Anyway, i've recently gotten quite terrified of the bar. Today is property. The lecture is going well so far, but who knows what's going to happen down the road. The Contracts lecture went well too, but I just don't seem to have a grasp on it yet for the bar questions. Thursday is supposed to be a practice day 1 of the exam day. I'm nervous. I may push it back till friday, but i'm realy going ot cram so I can do it by thurday.

I linked another video today. I told andrew about it, and I think he probably watched. It's pretty excellent. Its a cover of El Scorcho (originally by Weezer) that's being done by Alderin Guerro and some other guy. I've seen a bunch of videos that Alderin Guerrero (the guy on the left) before, and he's just so enjoyable. His uke playing has some a happy, light quality to it....and his covers are faithful to the original and his own at the same time.

El Scorcho itself is a great song. I'd like to learn how to play it. It's off of Pinkerton, everyones favorite Weezer album (including mine). Perhaps the reason people love it so much is that it is very, very honest and confessional. It's also quite sad. Rivers Cuomo was basically writing about his life at the time, which was confused, lonley, but in the middle of great success. At least, that's my take on the album.

PoP goes my heart

apologies for a minor lie: 2

one further thought. i actually really like that people read this drivel. But sometimes I dont like the thought that I'm writing to an audience. Mainly i'm just concerned with being misunderstood by people whose opinions I actually value. And that'd be pretty much everyone I know who reads this thing. Here's a note of communication: It's best not to assume that this blog is everything I'm thinking. It's really only a tiny portion. It's best to ask me to my face if I write something here and it seems... funny. I tend to be extremely honest when people I care about ask me things...perhaps to a fault. Perhaps that's why I'll never be a good lawyer. "So, how does my case look?" "you're guilty as hell. get out of my office."

apologies for a minor lie

from yesterday. Sometimes I have written knowing that people would read it. And thus, I had a communication in mind. I sometimes express myself much better in written words than spoke. I so often say the wrong thing. But i don't really think that's what this blog SHOULD be. No. It should be just my outlet or else it should be non serious. I don't know. I've been in a funny mood. I think the bar is getting to me.

Jublilation! She loves me again! I fall on the floor and I laughing

I used to listen to a lot of paul simon. I have probably 6 of his albums. And I still like him quite a bit, tho, for whatever reason, I hardly listen any more. Nevertheless, I still consider Graceland to be one of the perfect albums in music histroy. Like Disintegration and London Calling, there's just no way you can say anything negitive about it. The song posted is, obviously, the title track, second cut on the album, and I'd say my favorite track, but I can't because the whole thing is just so great.

One thing I think is particularly special about paul simon is his story telling ability, and this song represents that well. It's also filled with such great lines as "there's a girl in New York City, who calls herself the human trampeline. And sometimes when i'm falling, flying, or tumbling in turmoil I say 'whoa, so this is what she means.'" Great.

Of course, the line in my subject heading is from Cecilia. I remember when I first heard this song. or at least, was first aware of it. Junior year in high school. retreat. hm. interesting.

should I stay or should I go

I mentioned a few days ago that I have this line of code which allows me to see when people visit my blog and where they're from. And I check it just about every day to see if anyone new has read. And it's been fairly amusing. But I woke up this morning thinking that may be I should store writing here. Or maybe I should change the format to something very impersonal.

I'm not sure why, but I've been very sentimental recently. I'm always sentimental--Kathryn once called me up and started our conversation with "you cry. let me ask you a question." But I've been thinking recently a lot about loosing friends, about being alone, yadda yadda yadda. And as I've said before, this blog is mainly a forum for me to work out my own thougths and feelings, but not really a direct portal into my head. Instead, it is a dialog. It's me tryingto figure things out. And so, all too frequently, it is down and depressing and sad because those are the thoughts that i'm trying to workout.... that's the part of my head that needs to talk things thru with itself.
Up until yesterday, I didn't mind if people I knew read this drivel. But I think it was mainly because the only people who read were kathryn and andrew.

Then yesterday, I went to see the Wrestler. And I was thinking about Micky Roarke's character, Randy "the Ram" Ram-somethingorother. And I was thinking that he's at this point in his life where he feels like the best days are behind him, and life now is just trugding on to an inevitable end. Importantly to what i'm thinking here, he wears his scars, physical and mental, clearly on his face and body. You can tell from on look at him who he is and what issues he has. And perhaps that's why Mickey Roarke was so great in teh role...he brought that pathos to it. Really great. The thing is, I just yesterday get self conscious about my people knowing my issues. And worse yet, people seeing me as totally screwed up because of the words I write here.


And so, I've thought about stopping this, or at least, not writing anything very personal at all. Maybe just writing about songs and movie clips. I don't know. I just don't want to seem like a pathetic character. I'm just a guy who spends a lot of time alone to his own thoughts and needs to resolve things going on in his mind. Screwed up? maybe, but no more than anyone else...at least, I'd like to believe. Moreover, this blog is not intended, really, to communicate anything. As is clear from the writing, I tend to write late at night, when i'm very tired, when I'm feeling particularly alone, and I dont try much to harness my thoughts. I just let them run. And in that, again, it isn't to communicate. It may be to document. It is certainly somthing for myself to look back at years from now. But I dont want it to be the primary way that people know me or think about me. I don't believe in astrology, but for some reason I was reading about capricorn's yesterday and it said this: "By nature Capricorns are cautious when entering a new love relationship, but once they feel 'safe' with their partner, the cool exterior melts away to reveal a sensitive and loyal heart beneath. As a friend, Capricorns can be relied upon to provide the strongest and most sympathetic pair of shoulders in the zodiac..." I like to think that at least in part, i'm like that. And so, i want people to know me, the people who i care about and let in closer, i want them to know my by my interaction with them and how i treat them... not this blog. On an aside, i think the myers briggs personality test (I'm an INJT) is very much like the psychological-sciences equivalent of the astrological sign.

I havent' really decided, tho. maybe its' just nervs from bar studying talking. I recently got very nervous and I need to really bear down on the studying now. Or maybe it's because of those letters I read the other day. Maybe its because I dont want people who i repsect and care about thinking that my head is screwy.

I've said it all here too many times, maybe i should stop. I can't decide. why am I all of a sudden all kinds of self conscious? It's google analytic's fault. Now that I KNOW people read, I don't know how to deal.

can't get you out of my head

I woke up with this song running through my head this morning. I have a serious soft spot for Kylie Minogue. Tho, as a former record store employee, I feel like I'm not supposed to like her, I can't help it. I like her voice, her songs are catchy, she kicked cancer's ass, and her videos are cool. It's pretty much a win on all levels.

So, the bar draws very close. I figure I basically have 30 days left, since I doubt I'll be studying much on the day before or on teh sunday before either, since i'll be traveling. Right now, I wouldn't say that I know my stuff very well, and I'm getting increasingly nervous about it. Kevin and I were talking about going to see the Westler this weekend, but we'll see if my nervs get me and don't let me go. Whatever... I just need to keep on. Bar studying has gotten harder and harder, not because of the material, but because I'm already feeling a little burnt out. I'm at that stage where I want another month to study, but I also just want it over. ugh

I had a strange dream last night. still trying to think about it..... I find it strange that I dream a lot about being chased. hrmmmm... I hope that doesn't say anything nasty about my mind. ok...need to study. maybe I'll do work in Starbucks today instead of hte library. maybe that'll be better. right now my standard day is: wake up, work out, get to studying, drive to library, sit in quiet room for next several hours, come home, eat dinner, screw around a bit, go back to studying. And I don't normally speak to anyone before 3. That's a bit odd, isn't it? Whatever, I'm late... gotta work.


Oh, ok, one more Kylie video

We Dance

everyone's awed and inspired by you, and it's not very hard to see why

I woke up thinking of this song. Gaston is simply one of my favorite characters in cinema history, and it's all because of this song.

Love it.

one final thought or two about that last post

Damn. I feel lke life is what happens and no matter how hard I try, I can't direct the stream of life. I try to change things. but I can't. or something. I try to take control, but it's either too little or too late, it seems.

plagued

I've said that I'm plagued with a long memory. I wish I could forget more, but it just sticks in there. And I replay things over and over in my head. And all the time, I wonder, how things would be different, if...



I found some stuff from my past today. Some letters that, for whatever reason, I never threw out. That's a lie. I know what reason. Because I was trying, at the time, to pick up the pieces of my shattered life, and pretend like things could go back to how they were. Anyway, I found these letters. Problem 1. Then I read them. BIIIG problem 2. Now their gone. forever. And never to return. But having read them, I've been thinking about how life would be different if I had just made some simple little choices. If I had gone to Middleberry. If I had stayed at Case. If I had gone to Marshall. If I hadn't moved back home in 2002.

But why do I dwell? Do other people dwell? Do other people play this nasty, self-tortuous game of what if? It's not productive at all; it's only negative. It only makes me unhappy with who I am because I wonder if I could have been something else I like better.

One of my life changing decisions I made at the Magnetic Fields concert was to be more proactive about my life. John Lennon said that "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans." Well, I'd like to refine that: Life is what happened while I was waiting for something to happen. I've rarely felt in control of my destiny in my life. And especially right now. I feel like I'm trying to grab life. I'm trying to take control. But it's just not working. I'm no good at it. I try to find a job, but no one gives me an interview. I try to ask her out, but she shoots me down, I try to do shit, but the damn bar is getting in the way.

ugh. i'm frustrated and this has lost focus.

500 days of summer; or "Damn, I want to see this and cry walking out of the theatre."

This is the teaser trailer for 500 Days of Summer. I'm really excited about this one. First, I love Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Who would have thought that the girly lookin' kid from 3rd rock would have gone on to make movies I'd watch? But after seeing him in Brick, I'm pretty much hooked on him. Second, it's about this guy who falls madly for this girl, Summer played by Zooey Deschanel, and apparently he radnomly breaks out into song... pop songs, that is.

A quick observation about the trailer. The voice over is really poorly written I think. But, Leslie Nealson doing the voice is pretty much perfect. Even tho it's crappy, I only care a little bit.

Anyway, I think this one's going to be good.

Kiss the girl dance remix = awesome

Easily the greatest remix in Disney history from what may be my favorite Disney movie. Listen to the phat beat and try not to shake your ass. You can't tell me your toe's not tapping!

back... more ruminations about friends

So, the blog has as of recent turned into a ground where I can explore my thoughts on the meaning and nature of my friendships with different people. Casual friends, acquaintances, good friends, "girl friends." And I'm happy about that, because I think I'm beginning to understand my own mentality about my friends.

What is the impetus for all this? Well, and I've talked about this before, but I feel like my life goes in about 3 year cycles. And at the end of each cycle, I move, or other people move, or my life takes a different direction, or whatever causes it, a serious change happens and I leave an old life behind, and start a new one. 3 years in law school. 3 years at borders. basically 3 years at Oberlin. 3 Years with Marta. 3 years. And always a dramatic change at the end. And always, in that change, I leave friends behind, and I always feel like I leave a little piece of me behind. I'm an odd cat. I'm terrified of getting too emotionally close to anyone because I'm afraid of them finding out about the "real" me and not liking him. And as importantly, I'm afraid of getting hurt when they go away. But the truth is, to my friends who I open up to, I get more emotionally invested than may be apparent to them, or to me. And when we go our separate ways after 3 years, I leave that piece of me behind. Because when I say "emotionally invested," i mean that I accidentally give a small piece of myself over. And when that friendship gets taken away, it hurts me because I lost that piece.

I've recently had a lot of opportunity to reflect on this. Some of it I've written about already here. Nooree, of course, was the subject of many posts. And again, she's worth mentioning here. (and Yes, now that I realize she reads more frequently than I had once thought, I would be wise to not write anything, but "damn the torpedoes!" I need to work through my thoughts and I don't mind if she reads). I really was terrified when school ended that I'd lose contact of her, because I really liked her and I wanted to get to know her better. Now, since graduation, as we've spent more time together, I've felt closer and closer to her. In fact, as I've gotten to know her better, I've liked her even more than I thought I would. And now I've accidently allowed myself to get emotionally invested and I dont want to get hurt. And I'm not talking about hurt because I think I feel more deeply and differently about her than she feels about me. That's fine; That's a temporary kind of hurt; that's nothing new to me. What I mean is, I don't want to lose her as a friend now. As I've said, I'm always afraid of the fragility of friendships. If/when I move; if/when I get boring to her; if/when she starts dating a guy and I get jealous or he gets jealous or she feels it's not right to hang out with me and I get more jealous. It's all very precarious. And part of me
wishes I could pull myself back and withdraw my emotional attachment, but I can't. Sorry.

But Nooree is not the only reason I've been thinking about this. Suzi and Sean, too are such great people and I'm so lucky to have them as friends, but I wish I had met them at a different time in my life, when I had more time to spend with them. I feel a certain kinship with Suzi. She's more like me, in some ways, than my own sister. And Sean.... he's such a great guy it almost catches me off guard. And so, with them too, I've allowed myself to get too close to them. I care about them, I feel good when I can spend even a little bit of time with them, because I think they have an odd natural understanding of me that it beyond my explaining.

Its a bit like how I think of Sara. That's really it, I think. Suzi reminds me so much of Sara that our friendship, to me, was very natural. And to think of it now, Sara is a great example to help me explain what I'm trying to say. I've known Sara since 7th grade. Since we were 12. 18 years. But, of course, I wasn't really friends with her (tho I did have a small crush on her in 7th grade) until Marta and I started going out. Then, I really got to know Sara. And Sara was always a great and steady friend. And one thing I've thought about Sara more than perhaps any of my friends, is that Sara seems to have an inate understanding of my mentality. I think of my brain as sorta screwy compared to other people, and I think that Sara perhaps more than anyone I've ever known, has understood my screwy brain. So, today I still think of Sara as a close friend, even tho I don't speak with her much any more. But I think that's a unique situation. I can go months without hearing from Sara, but then seeing her or emailing her is never ever weird. its like there was never a break (or at least, never a big one). I wish it could be like that with all my friends. I wish there could be no weirdness even over time or whatever. but there is.

Tho, maybe left behind friends can be gotten again. Recently, Erin has been a great friend as she's helped me deal with my self-confidence and dating issues. What is surprising about this for me is that I would have thought Erin was one of those people who I would have enjoyed back in a previous life and would be friendly with in my current life, but would ultimately be left in the past. Happily, it's like she was pulled out of the past and has become a great new friend. Thanks Erin!

And then there's Kelsey. Kelsey Cowger. someone I knew back in Oberlin. Back in teh dark time. I found her on facebook the other day and wrote her a quick message that said "hey, remmber me?" and sure enough, she did! I was expecting her to say "who the hell are you, stalker asshole." But nope. I hope to hear more from her. It'll be nice to at least hear from someone back from those times. IT's a piece of myself that I left behind and thought was gone forever.
Ugh. this shoudl stop. But first, I've noticed that I've listed a lot of female friends here. Why is that? I should mention some guys. I didn't mention Mike initially , but I think that's because I consider Mike family, at this point. I don't think Andrew's going anywhere either. Kevin, well... I have a great relationship with him... and it's been like 90% a phone relationship, which I weird for me because I really don't like the phone too much. But he scares me sometimes when he says he hasn't spoken with Lindsay or Rachel in a while because I don't want that to happen to me. I really like Kevin. He's awesome. And then there's Jason. I think we share too many similarities to not be friends at this point. But, him too, i fear sometimes the weekly phone calls will just stop. Again, I don't really like the phone.

ugh. this has rambled on enough. I need to write these things not after spending so much time alone and not when so tired. Let me end it by saying, I'm not looking at taking the bar all too soon, and still planning to move, and I'm scared of losing all my friends back here. While I'll probably meet new people, they are not substitutes. And I crave deep friendships, and of course, I crave a deep companionship (but seem to always go after the wrong people), and I don't want to be alone, and I wonder if running off to Oregon will screw up whatever ground work i've laid here. Will I, there, only meet coffee shop acquaintances, like so many people at Stauf's? Or will I get what I'm looking for? And if I do, do i really want anyone to take the place of the people mentioned in this email? No. friends are to be added to, not to be replaced.

Alright. enough. sometimes I wish my brain would just shut up.

le sigh

le sigh. another great day with nooree. If only i lived closer to columbus... that'd be rather nice for me.

Im going on walkabout

Walkabout: a rite of passage where Australian Aborigines would undergo a journey during adolescence and live in the wilderness for a period as long as six months.^[1] In this practice they would trace the paths, or "songlines", that their people's ceremonial ancestors took, and imitate, in a fashion, their heroic deeds.

I think we as a society need a more significant rite of passage for our youths. As of right now, the only clear rites of passage I can think of are like 16th birthday and driving privileges and 21 drinking yourself into a stupor. Other than that, I suppose you could say high school graduation, but I dont think most people take that very seriously, or college graduation, but not everyone goes to college and not everyone takes that very seriously... so what else is there? Moving away from home? no. that's too incidental to going to school. and no one makes a real big deal of it.

I suppose weddings are a rite of passage, but again, not everyone does that. clearly.

And then there are Bar/Bat Mitzvah's. Again, same problems

So then, assuming we are left without true rites of passage, so what? Well, I think there is no clear beginning to "adult" life and no end to "child" life.

Of course, I mention this with me in mind, but I think its everywhere. I read a story somewhere a few years ago about how the nesting period has lengthened considerably. And while i don't necessarily see this as a bad thing--im not knocking living wtih the 'rents really--what I am saying is that I think we lack something that signifies spiritual and emotional growth. We don't grow to a point. We don't look forward to that point. We don't reach that point, do what is required, and then go on, having a signifier of our growth.... we dont have those things, and i think we are worse off for it.

In Australia, the Aborigines go on walk abouts and live off the land and find themselves and their ancestors. And when they return, they are different. They have found something. And perhaps its just because they have done what they were supposed to have done. But whatever, I think they think of themselves differently. And people think of them differently.

Here, we have to substitute that with drinking yourself to oblivion on 21 and livign to talk about it. not quite the same thing. More importantly, there is nothing special we do, and no signifying event, and no one looks at you any differently.

Again, this doesnt bother all people. But for me, I think I lack an event that signified GROW UP! I moved home after college. I never really went away to college. I lived her. I went to law school. Imoved home. I've never really escaped. And I see people like me. And I htink some clear rite of passage would help.

I think of law school. Law school has a clear rite of passage: first year. everyone goes thru the same shit and everyone is changed by it. And everyone looks at you differently when you're a 2L. And we tell 1Ls, I know what you went thru. You'll be fine. It sucks, but you'll be fine. It's bonding. I wont go so far as to say that im better off for it, but i can certainly say that im changed and i wouldnt be who i am today having not gone thru it.

ugh. im tired. and this post clearly shows it. i may edit it later and make some adjustments because I think im on to something here. but for right now, there it is.

Oh so much crap

Like Hegel and Kant before me, I've recently been thinking about trying to develop my own phenomenology.

If you don't know, a phenomenology is a philosophical study of basically everything. I guess technically, it is a study, and way to describe consciousness. So in that, olde tyme-y philosophers used to develop their methods of describing life, the universe, and everything. And recently, I don't know if it's because of my brain turning to mush by studying, or it it's because of turning 30, or if it's just because i spend too much time alone, but I've been thinking about trying to develop my own, to begin in reality after the bar is done, because I figure, I'm going to have to go back and read some philosophy as a way to prep my mind.

What you may or may not know about me is that when I started college way back in 1997, I wanted to be a philosophy major. I took the classes and everything. But I quickly realized how much I couldn't stand just raw philosophy. See, philosophy students basically think they're sweet and act like their sweet and think they have some magical key to understanding. And yes, I think this is true for all philosophy students. Everyone i've ever met, except maybe my uncle Mike. But anyway, I couldn't stand that, because so much of philosophy is just talking about bullshit that doesn't have an effect on the real world. So, I eventually moved away from pure philosophy to religious studies and to politics. But, from my perspective, I was still, very much a philosophy student. I studied eastern religions, and early christian thought as a way to develop my own thinking on life, religion, stuff like that. And I took classes about philosophers talking about religion. And I took politics classes that tended to stress political theory rather than data analysis. You see, there is one thing that I like about pure philosophy: study and learnign for the sake of study and learning. That's basically what I'm all about.

So, then, tho, why would I want to develop my own phenomology if I found pure philosophy so stupid? Well, i think it may actually be an interesting thought experiment and somethign that could be valuable on a purely personal level. And I spend a lot of time alone and thinking. and my mind wanders. And I have these inner dialogues going on that I often feel like I need to work out. I think it's another INTJ thing, maybe.

On a tangentially related topic... I've been getting a lot of ego-boosting moral support recently. I don't really accept compliments very well. self esteem issues. I don't always feel very comfortable in my own skin, as I once heard said. But it's been nice. very nice. I forget that people out there care. I forget it and I don't know why. Or, probably more accurately, I don't recognize it and I don't know why. I don't know why i'm always expecting everything to fall apart. But I'm trying to relize. and I'm trying to be more self confident. Suzi tells me that 30 year old Stephen is no logner allowed to be self depricating. But I'm just so GOOD at it. ;)

One final note. Im thinking of starting another blog (again, after the bar) that's dedicated to movie and music news. and i was thinking about doing an accompanying podcast with it. I think I'd mostly like to feature trailers from movies I want to see and upcoming music releases. Maybe reviews. who knows.

Old guys drinking water from water bottles is odd

Have you ever noticed that when older guys who are dressed in shirts and ties, take drinks from bottles, the almost invariably make like a ton of noise. First, *screw screw screw* off the top. *CLICK* as the top gets yanked off the bottle. *sip swallow sip again* followed by *hold breath for no reason screw back on top EXHALE LOUDLY THROUGH NOSE* I don't get it

the guy sitting next to me in teh library has been doing this for the past like hour.

Geeze oh man am i tired. I think I must have been up all night without knowing it. I had a super long dream about something, but I can only vaguely remember stealing car, driving around a cul d'sac and going into some house that i'm not sure was mine. but I remember the dream going on forEVER.

Last House on the Left remake trailer

In general, I can't stand movies that have anything to do with rape. It's just a topic that I think is disgusting and quite hard for me to stomach, even when I know its just a movie. And torture porn is pretty crappy too, Unfortunately, Im pretty sure that this movie, Last House on the Left, has a lot to do with sexual violence and with torture. I say unfortunately because the trailer is pretty damn cool. watch for the shot when the girl is hit by a bullet while under water. Very cool... I may have to see this movie.

The Sopranos final episode review

This is a post I wrote for slashdot waaaaay back when the Sopranos ended. I just went back and read it and you know what? Im pretty happy with. As with all my forum posts, it was just written off the top of my head with only mind editing (I think I glanced over this one for punctuation and spelling.) I really think I could have done well in that program at Brown. Grrrr...


here it is; feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you think:

"I must admit, I'm torn up about the episode. Part of me loves it. That was the absolutly most dramatic way it could end. Tony getting out of the business would have been sappy, overdone, and (I think) not in line with the rest of the show. Tony and the family getting killed would have been expected, overly dramatic, and not really in line with the rest of the show. But the way it did end was like "well, that's it..." with an elipsis. Just like the show has always been, an elipsis. No conclusions. No TV drama. It, more than most shows, did not cave in to television/movie conventions. It was not a story about a TV family; it was a story about a 'real' family. Yours or mine. This one just happens to be a mafia family, but its really not so different from anyone elses. And it ends in the in a very 'realistic' way: that is to say, it doesn't. As the last words in the episode say: "Don't stop..." Our minds fill in the "believin'."

So I loved the ending, right? well, yes I did. But at the same time, I think it was a little bit of a cop out. This was probably the easiest way for the writters to end the serries: without doing anything. Indeed, they build all that tension in the final scene (more on that in a second), but then the show ends before even a hint of a payoff. Again, I get it. And part of me really likes it. But as realistic as this is...as much of a docudrama about an american family it is, it is still a television show. And we, as faithful viewers need some closure. Instead we get a

/shrug "who knows" sort of ending. And a "wait till we cash in on a movie we say we aren't going to make, but then do when everyone wants another paycheck." So, on that level, it annoys me just a bit.

But I still loved it. When the show ended, I said, out loud, "What the f***!" I honestly thought my TiVo didn't record everything. It was an amazing, gut reaction. It will be remembered.

Now, a few quick points. I don't think that Tony dies after the black out. First, that is the TV drama ending that everyone expects. And, as we have seen, Sopranos does not give you what you expect. Second, it doesnt seem to fit with the "Families don't get hurt" stuff and the resolutions made in the final episode. Still, there was all that tension in the final scene. What I think that is is the life that Tony lives and will always live: there will always be that threat out there. So, the final scene is filled with tension. How much suspense can be built from Meadow trying to park a car? Holy crap! But its all a red herring. Its there but it isn't there. We see the suspicious guy sitting at the bar. We see the suspicious guy with the hat. But that doesn't mean they are killers. The point is: they could be... in the life of Tony. The threat is there but it is not there. Families don't go to war now. The real threat in Tony's life is from the upcomming indictments, not the guy at the bar. But Tony will be forever suspicious. So, he will always raise his head when someone comes in the door, just in case. In case it is a killer or a FBI. Who knows?

But what about the 5 or so seconds of black without any music? Good question. It could signify death, but I think that is too obvious. I think this is the 'the series is over' queue, not the 'the family is over' queue. It was like lowing the curtain and the lights. The play is done. What happens happens. Life goes on, but the Sopranos show is done. There are stories that will never be told... and they will be more stories of a family just like yours and mine. Music would have suggested a continuance--some sort of resolution. Instead you have none--just like life. In life there aren't resolutions. There is just life.

So yea, I was frustrated by the episode. And I wish that there were answers. But this ending was amazing nevertheless. I am sure that people will disagree with me, but that is just another reason the episode was so great: it leads to coversations."

poof. vanished.

Having trouble focusing

When I was a senior in High school, I drove a friend to work a lot. Nina Johnson. Apollonia. The single greatest name I've ever heard. Anyway. I remember one day that Nina was going around looking for mints or something. And I didn't have any. But I thought, I have a few minutes... I'll go buy Nina some tic tacs before lunch. So I did. And when I found Nina again and gave her the mints, she said to me: "why are you giving these to me?" And I said "because you wanted a mint." And she said "what do you want from me?" And I said "nothing." and she said "no one does anything without wanting something in return." Perhaps. I wasn't hitting on her or anything. and I certainly didn't want money or anything like that. Sure, I'm sure I wanted her to think well of me... but that wasn't really on the front of my mind. No... all I was really thinking was "Nina wants mints." Is that really that weird?

Friends mean something to me. I think it's because I feel like my friendships are very fragile. Like I assume they will collapse at any moment. And they do... without warning. just one day you realize "hey, I haven't emailed Jeremy in over a year." And poof...its gone. So, while they're there, I try to treat my friendships as special to me, because they are.

Look... it's no big statement to say that i have a pretty huge lack of self esteem/self confidence. I don't really tend to think i'm worth much. But sometimes. sometimes. when I feel special. When I feel like I matter. It's because of my friends. Their numbers have been dwindling as of recent. I call far fewer people "close friends" any more... Today, most people I know are somewhere between acquaintance and friend... better than someone I just happen to know, but less than someone to whom I can bare my soul. But the few I let in closer than normal, those are the people who really mean something; who I think about often; and who I am dreadfully scared to lose. Because it could happen at any second. poof.

Cool video; cool song.

I'm setting myself up for disappointment, aren't I

Yes. Yes I am. I'm going to say something, but I'm not expecting any particular answer. I need to be more practical and logical about this thing of mine. Ive been stupid. I need to just be cool. I'm not good at that

yes please

A movie called Ninja Assassin, directed by James McTiegue, starring Korean pop star and ridiculously humongous Rain. AND at the end of this clip, he FIGHTS WITH A MANRIKIGUSARI!!!! YES PLEASE!

Stephen = loser.

on an aside, from the imdb page, this movie seems to be starring a bunch of Koreans as Japanese. I've said it like a billion times now: PLEASE!!! Look, note to movie producers: Koreans and Japanese are different people. IT would be more accurate to cast me as a hispanic (after all, my people hail from the Iberian peninsula).

Still Randall Duk Kim (the keymaker from Matrix 2) is in it..... and I can't fault John McTeigue for casting him, because he's pretty great.

sigh

still basking in the afterglow of my birthday a bit. I'm wondering when it will ware off. Because at this point, it'd be nice if it did so, because I feel my expectations rising to dangerous levels.

On the way here, I was listening to Mojave 3. Out of Tune, specifically... it always makes me think of Rebekka. Now, as i've said many times before, I hold nothing for her at all...nothing. at. all. but it never fails to make me a little sad when to think of how harsh our break up was. I suppose it's my fault... but things just would never have worked between us. Truthfully, things never should have worked as long as they did. But I was lonely and far too willing to pretend to change things about myself to suit her. That being said, I always thought of her as a good friend, even if we had that one major difference and it saddens me that I'm no longer friends with her. And that leads me to my current predicament. I'm developing far too many feelings for this friend of mine that I'm just setting myself up for diappointment. and then when she shoots me down.... when I finally ask her out and she shoots me down.... I'll be fine... because from my mentality (that I assume girls don't want to be with me as more than friends), and I'll still like her the same, but Im afraid she won't want to be with me in that way. fine. whatever. But what hurts is when I've weirded things and she feels odd being my friend because I've bared my heart a little too much.

I find it a little odd how scared I am to get emotionally invested with anyone considering how much I feel like I want to be emotionally invested in my friends in general. But it seems simple to me: I'm already emotionally invested. I don't want that taken away.

So there it is. What do I do? Do I admit how I feel and risk losing our friendship but possibly not. Or do I say nothing and go on with this little torch burning for her. I have no idea.

on an aside, I think Rebekka may have read this blog. To the few of you who read this blog who I don't know personally (that means you, Kathryn and Andrew) I have a little line of code that lets me know when people visit. Don't worry... don't get too weirded out...the only thing it really tells me is how often people from different cities visit the blog. So I know for a fact that I visit my blog about 3x as much as anyone else. but i also know that someone from Canton read it. interesting. It made me think about stopping writing. It made me wonder, yet again, why I write at all. Mainly because I need to write things down as I'm considering them. but they don't really get to the true stephen. they are just my inner dialogue. But It also made me think that at some level, i really don't want to accidently give people the wrong impression of who I am and what I think. Dunno....

I never understand why people who date can't be friends any more. Sure, there might be animocity, but since I'd prefer to date girls I'm good friends with first, and continue to be good friends with during, to me its like, ok there is some badness between us, but there's still a lot of you I like. and that other stuff, I can just ignore... that's teh benefit of just being friends and not dating. bad history is just that. history. forget it and move on.

but aparently thats the INTJ in me talking.

I'm not a shrimp! I'm a king prawn!

"i'm a little shrimp looking for a woman with a high income and low expectations." genius.

???

Dad has called me "Steve" for years while I'm "Stephen" to everyone else. Why? No idea. I'm not Steve and I don't know who that is.

Birthday, post one

So, as previously mentioned, this birthday was one of the best of my life. And now i'm even in high spirits as I'm bar studying. Now, some thoughts on my birthday and my friends

It started when I arrived in Columbus around 2. Nooree and I got together around 230, and as sign of happiness to come, she brought me a piece of pie. I love pie. And having a piece of birthday pie is pretty excellent in my book. We then briefly talked about going rollerskating, which I really wish we had gotten the chance to do (after the bar, definitely), and eventually ran off to A Propos to see if I could get some internet access. After Chit chatting for a bit, and not finding a roller rink, we went off to Easton, ostensibly to look for jeans, but in reality, I wanted to hang out and wander around and talk. I know I'm boring, Nooree, but I'll think of something more interesting to do next time. :) Eventually, she had to go off with her family. I really wish she had been able to come out, but whatever. I enjoy her company more than I can say... and I understand that there's only so much wandering and talking that normal people like to do. For me, its fun... but for others... probably not so much...

Now, before I go on about my birthday, probably tomorrow, I need to write a bit about Nooree. of course, she reads this ocassionaly, so thsi could get embarssing... but then again, I don't always express myself very well in person, so if she does read this, maybe that's a good thing. And well, I like to document things, so I'll remember this in the future. I'm so glad that we're friends. I remember meeting her either during orientation or in contracts first day... and I remember talking wtih her and missy about the pictures of our class that were hung outside of the library. And I remeber saying about her picture "my god, that's a gorgeous picture" because it was. And I remember wondering if either of these girls would talk to me after that day. People tell me that I'm overly pessimistic about friends. that I nver assume that people like me, and thats just not right. Well, I am overly pessimistic. I dunno why.

And I was happily wrong. I kept talking to Missy and Nooree, through first year, and into second and third. But I still assumed that I would never see much of Nooree after graduating. I just assumed, as is often the case with me, that my life would take a different direction after 3 years, and she'd be a friend lost in time. Yet that hasn't happened. In fact, quite the opposite. Since getting out of school, we've spent several days together, and I've felt closer and closer to her. And I'm extremely happy about that.

I've said in this blog several times that close fiends mean a lot to me. Loosing friends, even just through time, hurts me a great deal. And I try to keep up and I try to keep in contact... but it's hard. and so, it scares me that I'm feling closer to her, because I feel like I'm waiting for the second shoe to drop.... or whatever that saying is. I'm afraid that she'll get bored with me or something and we'll stop spending time together. or that during my bar studying we'll fall out of contact. or something.

And so I'm going to try to go down to columbus next weekend even tho i have bar work to do, because I enjoy spending time with her and because I dont want to lose contact.

But again, I'm scared. Because i'm lonely and she's pretty and nice to me and... i need to stop bfore I embarass myself too much.

Anyway, more about my birthday tomorrow: Suzi and Sean and Erica and Amber and then post birthday with Kevin and Erin (who might be reading now, and that's awesome because I like readers) and then, my newest prized possession.

oh, and i edited the html on a previous post. I like strike through... it had to be changed.

best birthday in years

There's so much to say, and with bar studying I can't say it all right now, but let it be known that I had the best birthday in many many years. As Andrew said, probably since the drunken wow-a-thon. IT was amazing. I think I enjoy spending time with Nooree more each time I see her. I was really scared when we graduated that I'd never see her again. And with just a little effort, that has been happily not true. She's really great. And it amazes me how close I feel to Suzi, Sean, and Erica, having met them all in the most superficial way: over a cup of coffee and a ton of books and a bunch of angst (on my part). All in all, turning 30 was a great experience... not the train wreck I was expecting.

Oh, and I sang Karaoke. I sang I touch myself. I belted it out. I wish I was recorded--my screaching falsetto. Awesome.

More on this all later. but just let me say: if anyone I know is reading this, thanks for all the birthday thoughts and wishes. And to Nooree, Sean, Suzi, Erica, and Amber... thanks for being there for me. You all get blog tags just for that. :) I'm cursed with a long memory; I will not forget how I spent my 30th. whelp... no more studying for today. my hand hurts from writing notecards. now, to write a cover letter, or something.

ZOMG!

OHMYGODOHMYGOD~~!!!!! BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!!! NOOREE GOT ME THE CASABLANCA BLUE-RAY BOX SET!!!! NOOREE RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SUZI SEAN ERICA AND AMBER RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll write all about it later.

happy birthday to me

two notes. first, gone update. maybe not gone, but in the middle of being logiced to death. two, best birthday message yet. Happy birthday to the Wolf! Recall as predators age they must become more crafty to compensate for their diminished ability."

gone

Well... i think my little crush is finally subsiding. Not quite subsiding, really... but i've just logiced it to death... decided that it wasn't real and not worth wasting time thinking about. Still, i'd like to tell her how i felt... just to say it out loud... but I doubt I will. It probably wouldn't be a good idea. It never was a good idea in the first place

who am i kidding. that is all a lie. a big lie. trying to logic it to death, but it's just not working. logic can only extend so far

hrmm

is the reason that artists--visual artists, musicians, authors--move me so much is that I cannot do what they do? I think that may be the case, tho I wish it weren't true.

NOM NOM NOM!!!

Bacon cupcakes? THEY'RE NOT A MYTH!!! I've SEEN THEM!!!!!!

craziness

This is called the "smart carry"
More like the Eunuch Maker, if you ask me. Or perhaps, the insanely stupid holster. Keep guns away from me in general; keep that holster away from me in particular.

kitty cat

back home for now, but watching the cat is pretty cool. I don't think he likes me much yet, tho. He spent much of the evening batting at me in one way or another, and ocassionally running into the back of my chair.

cat cat catty cat

Well, i'm condo sitting and cat sitting for Melissa Ullmos cat for a little bit. Which is ok because it gives me some quiet to study and do whatever work I have to do. but that's really all i have to say about that. I'm alone, but no blogging about being lonely today. Alone I am, but I'm trying my hardest to not dwell. Sadly, I dwell better than I do most other things.

el spirito

I just saw on TV a new TV spot for The Spirit, and it has a totally different vibe than anything I've seen in the past or any of the trailers. I have to assume it's because the early press has been sooooo negative that they are trying to package the movie differently so that people will actually go see it. But, even if it's not as bad as it looks, who wants to go see the Spirit on Christmas day? This seems like a train wreck to me.

Old:




I can't find the new one. basically it focuses more on action and how "EXPLOSIVE" and "MIND BLOWING" it is. I mean, it could be mind blowing-ly bad.

numero dos

SO I just went back and read some posts from last year. that's bad news bears. tho, i'm surprised at how terrible my writing has been recently, and how ok my writing was in some of those posts last year. to be clear, i was not then, nor will i ever, kill myself. I just get depressed. And like Wall-E, I'm a lonely robot who wants EV-E to share his world with. But also like Wall-E, with no EV-E, I just go back to doing my thing.

hrmmm

I often think about why I keep this blog. Of course, it started as a way to document my trip to england, but what has it become? I'd like to think that it's just a way to remind me, years from now, what was going on in my mind at this time. But is it? well, only partly, i guess. I mean, first, i don't really share all that's going on in my mind. Sure, I'm fairly honest... but I'm also afraid to write some things because I know that people I know read it and I don't want to embarass myself too too much. But also, I there are definitely just parts of my psyche that I don't want others to know. what am i writing here? I don't really know. I spend a lot of time blogging about girls, but perhaps that's because it's a "safe" blog topic. and it's on my mind. But it's hardly all that's going on. Surely the bar and thinking of moving and trying to write cover letters are more important and take up more of my thoughts. Do the reason girls come up so often here is that I blog before going to bed and always feel a little extra lonely at night? Perhaps. I am lonley, but its not crippling. I love my friends, and have recently been reminded that I have some truely great friends--and a lot of really great acquaintances. But its times like when I'm lonely on a saturday night that I wish for mre.

I'm going to be spending sometime condo sitting for Melissa Ullmo. More time alone, I suppose... but this alone I think is good. I actually like being alone, I just wish I coudl choose when I was alone or not.

instead

Instead of embarrassing myself thoroughly, I'm only going to do it half way. More thoughts on girls, always.

I think I must be different than a lot of guys. Since I've been single for about 4 years now, Mike's been trying to give me pointers on how to end that. But the truth is that I don't really want to follow anything he suggests. See, unlike most guys, i'm not sexually attracted to most women upon first meeting them. Unlike most guys, I don't want to date or sleep with every pretty girl I meet. It's just not me. Instead, I've found that it takes a while for me to get to that point. I think it's probaby because I see myself as a hard person to be good friends with. I mean, I have a lot of acquiantances... people I like, but I count "friend" as a special designation. Friends are the people I think about when they arent around. Friends are people I'm willing to share important thoughts and feelings with. Acquaintances are just people I meet in coffee shops who I like, but ultimately will probably fall out of contact with over the years. Friends, to me, are in it for the long haul.

Anyway, I think that, because I'm a little kookie, or at least I see myself that way, I don't really develop sexual attraction to the girls I meet until we've already developed a friendship. Combine this with the fact that I'm deathly afraid of rejection, and I'm terrified to ask girls out, and you have a very bad situation for me to actually go out with a girl. See, because I've found that after becoming a friend with a girl, I'm off the "to date" list. at least, that's been my experience so far. And what then happens is that I ask a girl out who I like as a friend, and have develop most feelings for, and I get shot down.

And then the danger begins. Because at that point, I've weirded our friendship. or at least potentially. Because she either never had physical feelings for me, or she's lost them... and while I'm fine going back to just being friends, she may not be. at least, that's what's happened often. And we stop being friends. And it's very difficult for me to lose a friend, probably because when someone becomes my friend, I emotionally invest in our relationship, whether I show it or not.

Ok. I guess this is where I write that I've developed quite a fondness for a friend of mine. (who is probably reading this right now, and god I hope not, but if she is, I'm sorry). And I don't want to say anything because I like spending time with her; I like calling her a friend. And I don't want that to go away. But sometimes it makes me sad...because I look at her and think "god you're beautiful and funny and smart and cool... why aren't you into me at all?"

Fortunately, I know it will go away over time. My stupid crushes always do. So, and I hope she's not reading this, but if you are reading, please don't feel weird. I'm just lonely and well you're nice to me and you're beautiful and funny and smart and cool. And I spend too much time alone.

And, I mean, asking Sarah out ended up not weirding our friendship. Instead, I'd say that it probably loosened it up, because now I don't ever think about it. She's a friend who I care about, but I don't have to worry about trying to date her. I got that out of the way.

So who knows what I'll do.

Why is this all coming out? Perhaps it's because of the wedding. Perhaps its because of my birthday. Perhaps its because i'm lonely. who knows.

Wedding issue 3: sunday sunday sunday. oh what an amazing weekend

Sunday Sunday Sunday.

I woke up early and laid in bed for a while. And then went downstairs for breakfast, met up wtih Suzi and Sean before they left, said by and congrats to everyone one more time and then split. I had yet another engagement: lunch with Nooree and Missy.

Ahhh what a great cap to a great weekend. Obviously, it was great to see Nooree and I've always liked Missy, from our first day in Contracts. I really don't quite know why we get along so well--we really dont share that many similarities--but we do and its great. And of course, any excuse to spend a few hours with Nooree is good for me. Nooree then mentioned to me that she was getting together with Aimee later that day for dinner and asked if I wanted to as well. Of course! I'm no fool! So we got coffee, walked around polaris, and met up with Aimee for dinner. I only wish I'd thought of some palce other than Northstar, but my knowledge of columbus is dwindling.

anyway, Sunday was basically as awesome as I could imagine. What a great cap to an amazing weekend. All day with Nooree, and I got to see Missy and Aimee. How great is that!? I sort of wish I wasn't falling asleep all day--considering I'd barely slept since Friday.

However, even tho it was amazing, as always, my drive home, and every day since sunday, has been filled with contemplation. I wish I lived in Columbus still. I wish I didn't have to retreat into my bar studying cave now. I wish I could.... but more on that later.

I'm a professional at embarassing myself.

Wedding: Issue 2. game day

I love suzi and sean. That's the basic lesson I learned from the wedding. They are absoletly two of my favoritest people in the world and I'm lucky to be friends with them.

What can I say besides the wedding was perfect and beautiful. I cried. a little. I could type on and on about it, but truthfully, it wouldn't capture how great everything was. From my end, everything was perfect. I walked both of his grandmothers down the aisle, then his mother, then Sean's mom and I had to go light a candle, then I walked Erica and Megan both down and back. And it all went smoothly (besides my horrible shaking when I was lighting the candle).

Then the reception. Again, I had a blast. More importantly, it is a day I'll never forget, because I was truely part of it. When I was asked to be in the wedding, I figured "no big deal." But I've since realized that to be part of Suzi and Sean's wedding really means to be part of them as a married couple. To always be part of somethign special.

To be honest, I never really thought that they would think of me as important to their relationship. But I was wrong. I'm oddly insecure about my friendships. I seem to think that poeple will just stop liking me for no real reason. I seem to assume that people dont really like me at al. But they proved to me that I was wrong (at least with respect to them). Instead, I felt important, wanted, loved.

I often say that it's something special to be loved by someone who doesnt have to love you. Thats why dating seriously is a great thing. Because there is another person who cares if you wake up in the morning. Who wants to be with you because its you. And who cares about you even though they dont have to. They care about you because you're you. And to me, that's special. I assume my family will love me. That's how we are. NO drama, no nothing. We all just care for each other because we're Wolfsons and we're family. And that's great. But its a whole other thing all together to have someone care about you when they aren't family. When they are just some people you met in a coffee shop. And who have no reason for liking you beyond you yourself. I never thought that they cared about me. I was wrong.

Suzi and Sean, you are great people and I wish you a long and wonderful life. Thank you again for letting me be part of your wedding. I will never forget.

And I said, what about...two times over

So, having recently watched Breakfast at Tiffany's, I decided I wanted to read the novella it was based on. One thing Andrew commented on while watching the movie is that, without Audrey Hepburn's performance, Holly Golightly would have been an awful person. I think this observervation is pretty right on, especially after reading the novella. She really does some not nice things, but Audrey Hepburn is so wonderful, so likable, that you can't help but like her. In fact, Nooree had a very good, and very correct observation as well, that the final scene is crucial to her character in the movie. Because, in the end, she ultimately goes back for the cat, and to George Pepard (HANNIBAL!!!! from the A-team), we feel a pathos for Holly. The entire time she's had her outside face on; she's been telling a lie to the audience. The lie in the persona of Holly Golighty. But in the end, she breaks down and you see the real, scared, lonely girl on the inside, whatever her real name is. In the novella, you get glimpses of this girl just like in the movie. you see her break down when her brother dies. You see Doc return and get a picture of where she comes from and why she is who she is. And indeed, after she shoos away Cat, she chases after him. But, importantly, she doesnt catch him, and she leaves the narrator. This is an important difference between Holly Golightly in the novella and in the film. In both, you feel some degree of sadness becuase you know that Holly is messed up and that there is a better person underneith her Holly Golightly persona she has created. But in the novella, unlike the book, she decideds, in the end, to keep up the persona, and even embrase it. It is who she is now. She even says at one point that you can train yourself to love older men. Well, she had trained herself to be who she is--a person who is nly interested in other people for her own gain. But in the movie you get the impression she actually does care for the George Peppard, and this is confirmed when she goes to him in teh end. you see her broken and confused. The rain is certainly a symbol of catharsis--it washes away the bullshit, self assured, shallow Holly outside and reveals the scared girl underneith.

Ultimately, I liked both the movie and the novella quite a bit. I probably prefer the movie, just because of Audrey Hepburn, but that's not to say that I didn't liek the book. Quite the opposite, I read it all, 110 pages, in one evening without stopping. quite good. worth checking out.

But, as always these days, it makes me think about my relationship girls. The Narrator (who I'll call Fred, since he's never given a proper name in teh novella) clearly cares more for Holly than she cares for him. And she probably cares more for him than she does for anyone but her brother. But what saddens me about that is that I realize how easy it is for us guys to fall for a girl who is not into us at all. And you love her even though you realize she has terrible flaws and that she'll never love you back. Why is that? In Holly's case, does it have to do with seeing underneath some thing to love. Or does it have to do with her undeniable sexuality? I don't know. For me, do I fall for girls who don't like me back because of a want of the unattainable, or perhaps its self-defeating because I'm scared of being too close to someone and getting hurt and I subconsciously don't want a relationships? Or is it that undeniable sexuality? Is it just, as Brain Wilson sang, the way the sunlight bounces off her hair? Something in the clothes she wears? Or is it just because she's nice to me? Who knows. This is just the babbeling of someone who should have gone to bed already.

wedding: issue 1. Friday rehersal

Soooooo where to begin. I have so much to write. So many thoughts about this weekend that need to be addressed. but as long as i'm going in chronological order, I may as well just talk about friday and then deal with my ruminations after. Tho.. i'm sure I'll include somethings along the way. And I apologize... any interesting thoughts about relationships or anything else will have to wait until tomorrow. Today is just a recap so I dont forget in the future how great this weekend was.

Soooooo, I arrived in town about 3 on Friday with every intention of doing some work for a fw hours and then going to rehearsal. Of course, I went to Staufs, and instead of working, I caught up with everyone there: Phil, Jay, Loring, Phil some more, Andrew Tauken, maybe some other people. Loring was a special treat. I always enjoy talking to her, and Friday she seemed to be particularlly cheery. Whatever the case, I told her of my girl woes, and she told me I was attractive, so I think that's a score. She also tried to assure me that the 30s are good and the 40s aren't bad either... I'm still skeptical, but hey....whatever.

Then I went off to rehersal. So, I was a groomsman in the wedding, but I didn't really know what that meant. I knew I had to walk Erica down the aisle, but other than that, completely lost. Well, I was drafted by Sean to walk his two grandmas and his mom down the aisle. Then his mom and I had to go up to the front of the church to light a candle. Then I had to go up to the alter during the vows. Then walk not one, but two bridesmaids, both down and back. WAYYYY more responsibilities than i was prepared for. Can I just say, I was nervous. Sure, sean was the one getting married and all, but I figure, I had the first chance to burn down the church. that would have been greeeeeeeeat.

After rehearsal was rehersal dinner at Spagios. And this forshadowed the awesomeness of the weekend. Dinner, the food, was nice... fine. about what was expected. What was unexpected was twofold. First, I always forget how great Suzi and Sean's friends are. I never felt weird or out of place. I mean, I guess I had met a lot of these people before, but really, all I really knew was Erica. Nevertheless, dinner was a great time talking with Prakash, Puja (if that's how she spells her name) Megan, Suzi, Sean, maybe someone else I'm forgetting. Very normal, very awesome. Second, I always forget how awesome suzi and sean are (something I would be reminded of for the next two days). As expected, they gave all the bridesmaids and groosmen gifts for attending. To me, as if they were reading my mind, they gave me a toy (i like puzzles and haven't beaten it yet), some coffee (I love coffee), a gift card to whole foods (i likes whole foods), and a copy of the Ominvore's Dilemma. What was most amazing about that was that I had just been saying to Puja that I wanted to read that. And lo and behold, they gave it to me. amazing.

After dinner, I stayed at Sarah's spare room. We watched Frontiers, this french horror movie which was both totally bloody and very compelling. and then the Decent, a surprisingly good movie. I'd heard it was good, but I was skeptical. Still, it was really enjoyable. I should mention at this point (and I have more thoughts on this later) that I'm very happy that I'm friends with Sarah. I just assumed after my failed attempt at asking her out, our friendship would be weirded beyond repair. Instead, it has made me feel pretty good because I don't have to worry about trying to date her. I'm just her friend, and that's good for me. But, more on that later.

For now, really should leave. Tomorrow, i'm going to write about how intensely great the rest of the weekend was, and, if i have time, I'm going to write about my thoughts. However, I'm supposed to go out with Marta later and that might get in the way. Marta, I'm also very happy that we are still friends as well. People are often shocked that we're friends, given our history, but the truth is, I like Marta and I don't see a reason for bad history to get in the way of that. If we were to meet today, and we had no past, I would like who she is and count her among my friends. Tho... I'm wondering if my thoughts about Marta and Sarah are indicative of my problem with girls and why I develop stupid crushes (like the one I have right now) far too late in friendships, when it is all but impossible to actually go out with that girl. More on all that later.

wedding post: issue zero

I can't explain how awesome of a weekend I had. I really can't write much now, so I will outline the awesomeness. 1. Friday: arrived in town. Tried to do work. Failed because I spent too much time catching up with people at Staufs. Was told I was good looking by Loring. Always feels good. Went to rehearsal dinner. Amazing. Suzi and Sean are awesome. watched frontiers and decent. both very good. 2. saturday. wedding. amazing. suzi and sean are awesome. unbeatable friends. they are a great couple. danced for liek 2 hours. feet hurt. 3. sunday. met up with Nooree and Missy for lunch. hung out with Nooree after lunch. had dinner with Nooree and Aimee. Basically, thats the best day i could possibly hope for. added to the amazing wedding, and I was walkin' on sunshine as katrina and the waves would say. then, very long and tiring drive home. I will write more later... i had to write something now. just in case I get lazy and forget, i had to document that this was just one of the best weekends in my life. and then, my ruminations on the whole shebang. but now, back to merritt's work

Antarctica

I can't get over how much I love this video. It's crazy. It starts out as some woman in what appears to be something like a college dorm, and then she opens the door to what only can be another planet. but no,its just Antarctica. awesome. more blogging about the weekend later. more work for merritt right now.

wait. um. false alarm

Well, I was all set to write about my amazing weekend here, first Suzi and Sean's wedding and then the special treat of spending all day on Sunday with Nooree ( with Missy and Aimee in the mix), but I just realized I'm far too tired for that. I have a lot to write--not only was the weekend completely, 100% fabulous, but it has given me far too much to think about. so, instead, I'll start writing it out tomorrow. Tonight, I needs the sleep.

a thought on yesterday's xkcd

to be fair to myself, I actually really enjoy being friends with women, and it's not that i'm always waiting for her to fall for me. Quite on the contrary, I actually do "value our friendship." That being said, sometimes I wish I weren't ducky.

Mitsuko Uchida

So. last night I went to See Mitsuko Uchida perform with the Cleveland Orchestra. Alone. She was amazing. She was both physically and musically beautiful. And, apparently, the show was being recorded for release on CD next year. All in all, it was pretty excellent. However, I do have 2 reservations. First, I seriously doubt that the show will be used for their recording--the crowd noise was terrible. There was a guy about 3 rows behind me who clearly had emphysema. He had a reperator that went PSSST every once in a while. and then occasionally he would cough this super ultra nasty cough that sorta made me was to puke. Second, during the first part of the show--Mozart's 23 piano concerto, there was this crazy whistling noise. So, Uchida stopped the show after the second movement and gave this "WHAT THE FUCK!??!" sort of look to the crowd. Most everyone giggled, but she shut them up with a simple hand raise, clearly pissed off. I wouldn't blame her. Anyway, it turned otu that it was probably a hearing aid, and it was gone during the second part of the show--Concerto 24. Of course, Mr. Iron lung was still.

any way, I had a great time--I was very very close to the stage, so I got to see Ms. Uchida up close in full glory--but that leads me to my second reservation. I had to go alone. I mean, I didn't really mind.. but seeing all those couples there--no one goes alone to these things--made me really wish I had someone there with me to share the performance with. And it made me wonder if I'm really weird. I think my interests must be bizarrely diverse. I enjoy going to hard rockin' shows and dance pressed up against teh stage and I enjoy sitting and listening to pretty orchestra pieces; I enjoy balls out action movies, and I enjoy dorky art house foreign films; I enjoy art and stage drama; and I like crappy sci fi and fantasy novels. Are other people not the same? I'm beginning to think not. Which I guess is fine, but I think it all leads me to being lonely and having to force myself to do things on my own. That's ok, but it'd be nice to do some things with some people from time to time. Am i the weird one. and am I destined to be alone? Well, at least Uchida was amazing.

wow. xkcd is amazing

It's a little odd to see yourself as a webcomic with stick figures. I don't recall being asked if my pathetic life could be used, but I don't mind. Sigh. As Mike said, you could just superimpose my head in there, and it'd be 100% accurate. sigh. i'm going to die a lonely old man

awesome

I don't like counterstrike at all, but this is pretty damn amazing. I give whoever created this mad mad mad props. On an aside, people think that Van Gogh may have seen the world as his paintings reflect. meaning, he was tripping his face off at all times. that's just about as terrifying as i can imagine. If that's true, there's no wonder he killed himself. How could anyone handle that even for several minutes, let alone several hours, days, weeks, months, years. scary.

hrmm

I was just mean to some Jahova's Witnesses who showed up at the door. Which makes me wonder, should we be nice to Jahova's Witnesses? I mean, I didn't slam the door in their face, but I said "can you get to teh point already, I've got work to do" (which was true). And then told them that I didn't want their literature. Not nice, but not VERY not nice. I feel like, if they're going door to door to let me know that i'm going to hell, I don't really have to put up with all their crap. Get to the point, then get off of my porch. It's times like this when I miss having the apartment security door.

i hate my mom's soap operas

I think I should get an acting or writing job on one of mom's soaps. I mean, they're so terrible! I'm better in every way. I have to be. But i'm not quite as tall or distinctive looking. drat.

It's a mere 29 days until D-day. I'm terrified. I keep getting invites to do stuff on D-day and, for whatever reason, I'm been oddly apprehensive about it. I think there are many reasons. First, even tho I whine all the time about my birthday, I actually don't want people to hang out with me because they feel sorry for me. In fact, quite the opposite. Mom said for a while, I'll send you out to LA with Kathryn. And I kept replying, I want to hangout with my friends, not some of kathryn's friends who are forced to spend time with me. Second, I can't help but see my birthday as an unfortunate milestone in an interesting, uninspired life. every year I look back at how little I've done in life, and this year it's like looking back at 30 years. Third, I'm terrified of the bar and of moving. Because it will, in all likelihood, be a colossal failure. It could work out, sure, but I can't help but think it's a terrible idea. Fourth, it is the last day before a very arduous time of studying during which I will probably not see very much of my friends. Fifth, I imagined my life very differently than it is right now. I'm alone, I'm living at home, I only have a pretend job, I have no real direction....

Ugh. I am a bit lonely right now. There's nothing like being stuck inside my house all day to make me feel like this. The house is ok, but I need my own space. That and I just ate some sugary sweets and now I'm regretting it. The best thing about living on my own is not buying sweets. I'm seriously addicted.

There's not much to write here. I don't have much to say. Oh, one thing. I learned this great word. Mamihlapinatapai. It means "a look shared by two people with each wishing that the other will initiate something that both desire but which neither one wants to start" in Yaghan, the language of the people of Tierra del Fuego. I find it amazingly useful for me. Tho, I suppose a more useful word would be something that meant "a look from one person to another that is trying to convey a feeling and a desperate request for that person to spur the other to initiate something because the first person is far to much of a wussy to do anything."

I'm done. I need to read more for Merritt