sigh

still basking in the afterglow of my birthday a bit. I'm wondering when it will ware off. Because at this point, it'd be nice if it did so, because I feel my expectations rising to dangerous levels.

On the way here, I was listening to Mojave 3. Out of Tune, specifically... it always makes me think of Rebekka. Now, as i've said many times before, I hold nothing for her at all...nothing. at. all. but it never fails to make me a little sad when to think of how harsh our break up was. I suppose it's my fault... but things just would never have worked between us. Truthfully, things never should have worked as long as they did. But I was lonely and far too willing to pretend to change things about myself to suit her. That being said, I always thought of her as a good friend, even if we had that one major difference and it saddens me that I'm no longer friends with her. And that leads me to my current predicament. I'm developing far too many feelings for this friend of mine that I'm just setting myself up for diappointment. and then when she shoots me down.... when I finally ask her out and she shoots me down.... I'll be fine... because from my mentality (that I assume girls don't want to be with me as more than friends), and I'll still like her the same, but Im afraid she won't want to be with me in that way. fine. whatever. But what hurts is when I've weirded things and she feels odd being my friend because I've bared my heart a little too much.

I find it a little odd how scared I am to get emotionally invested with anyone considering how much I feel like I want to be emotionally invested in my friends in general. But it seems simple to me: I'm already emotionally invested. I don't want that taken away.

So there it is. What do I do? Do I admit how I feel and risk losing our friendship but possibly not. Or do I say nothing and go on with this little torch burning for her. I have no idea.

on an aside, I think Rebekka may have read this blog. To the few of you who read this blog who I don't know personally (that means you, Kathryn and Andrew) I have a little line of code that lets me know when people visit. Don't worry... don't get too weirded out...the only thing it really tells me is how often people from different cities visit the blog. So I know for a fact that I visit my blog about 3x as much as anyone else. but i also know that someone from Canton read it. interesting. It made me think about stopping writing. It made me wonder, yet again, why I write at all. Mainly because I need to write things down as I'm considering them. but they don't really get to the true stephen. they are just my inner dialogue. But It also made me think that at some level, i really don't want to accidently give people the wrong impression of who I am and what I think. Dunno....

I never understand why people who date can't be friends any more. Sure, there might be animocity, but since I'd prefer to date girls I'm good friends with first, and continue to be good friends with during, to me its like, ok there is some badness between us, but there's still a lot of you I like. and that other stuff, I can just ignore... that's teh benefit of just being friends and not dating. bad history is just that. history. forget it and move on.

but aparently thats the INTJ in me talking.