DO I suck?

I just learned that Jennifer Connelly is in this movie opening this week called "He's just not that into you" based on the self-help book of the same title (I assume). It's supposed to be good, and I plan to see it, but I just have a few thoughts about it before I start work here. First, I love Jennifer Connelly. And not just because of Labyrinth. But Mainly because of Career Opportunities. If you haven't seen it, I think its really cute and funny. But it's yet another "shlubby, quirky losery guy gets the beautiful girl" movie. So, I guess of course I love it, right? And two, I guess He's just not that into you is all about how much guys suck. And the problems men and women have communicating. I don't think I suck. I'm just painfully shy. And I only get shy after I'm attracted to someone. Odd...before that, I'm far less shy. stupid brain. gotta go to wills

sigh

still basking in the afterglow of my birthday a bit. I'm wondering when it will ware off. Because at this point, it'd be nice if it did so, because I feel my expectations rising to dangerous levels.

On the way here, I was listening to Mojave 3. Out of Tune, specifically... it always makes me think of Rebekka. Now, as i've said many times before, I hold nothing for her at all...nothing. at. all. but it never fails to make me a little sad when to think of how harsh our break up was. I suppose it's my fault... but things just would never have worked between us. Truthfully, things never should have worked as long as they did. But I was lonely and far too willing to pretend to change things about myself to suit her. That being said, I always thought of her as a good friend, even if we had that one major difference and it saddens me that I'm no longer friends with her. And that leads me to my current predicament. I'm developing far too many feelings for this friend of mine that I'm just setting myself up for diappointment. and then when she shoots me down.... when I finally ask her out and she shoots me down.... I'll be fine... because from my mentality (that I assume girls don't want to be with me as more than friends), and I'll still like her the same, but Im afraid she won't want to be with me in that way. fine. whatever. But what hurts is when I've weirded things and she feels odd being my friend because I've bared my heart a little too much.

I find it a little odd how scared I am to get emotionally invested with anyone considering how much I feel like I want to be emotionally invested in my friends in general. But it seems simple to me: I'm already emotionally invested. I don't want that taken away.

So there it is. What do I do? Do I admit how I feel and risk losing our friendship but possibly not. Or do I say nothing and go on with this little torch burning for her. I have no idea.

on an aside, I think Rebekka may have read this blog. To the few of you who read this blog who I don't know personally (that means you, Kathryn and Andrew) I have a little line of code that lets me know when people visit. Don't worry... don't get too weirded out...the only thing it really tells me is how often people from different cities visit the blog. So I know for a fact that I visit my blog about 3x as much as anyone else. but i also know that someone from Canton read it. interesting. It made me think about stopping writing. It made me wonder, yet again, why I write at all. Mainly because I need to write things down as I'm considering them. but they don't really get to the true stephen. they are just my inner dialogue. But It also made me think that at some level, i really don't want to accidently give people the wrong impression of who I am and what I think. Dunno....

I never understand why people who date can't be friends any more. Sure, there might be animocity, but since I'd prefer to date girls I'm good friends with first, and continue to be good friends with during, to me its like, ok there is some badness between us, but there's still a lot of you I like. and that other stuff, I can just ignore... that's teh benefit of just being friends and not dating. bad history is just that. history. forget it and move on.

but aparently thats the INTJ in me talking.

instead

Instead of embarrassing myself thoroughly, I'm only going to do it half way. More thoughts on girls, always.

I think I must be different than a lot of guys. Since I've been single for about 4 years now, Mike's been trying to give me pointers on how to end that. But the truth is that I don't really want to follow anything he suggests. See, unlike most guys, i'm not sexually attracted to most women upon first meeting them. Unlike most guys, I don't want to date or sleep with every pretty girl I meet. It's just not me. Instead, I've found that it takes a while for me to get to that point. I think it's probaby because I see myself as a hard person to be good friends with. I mean, I have a lot of acquiantances... people I like, but I count "friend" as a special designation. Friends are the people I think about when they arent around. Friends are people I'm willing to share important thoughts and feelings with. Acquaintances are just people I meet in coffee shops who I like, but ultimately will probably fall out of contact with over the years. Friends, to me, are in it for the long haul.

Anyway, I think that, because I'm a little kookie, or at least I see myself that way, I don't really develop sexual attraction to the girls I meet until we've already developed a friendship. Combine this with the fact that I'm deathly afraid of rejection, and I'm terrified to ask girls out, and you have a very bad situation for me to actually go out with a girl. See, because I've found that after becoming a friend with a girl, I'm off the "to date" list. at least, that's been my experience so far. And what then happens is that I ask a girl out who I like as a friend, and have develop most feelings for, and I get shot down.

And then the danger begins. Because at that point, I've weirded our friendship. or at least potentially. Because she either never had physical feelings for me, or she's lost them... and while I'm fine going back to just being friends, she may not be. at least, that's what's happened often. And we stop being friends. And it's very difficult for me to lose a friend, probably because when someone becomes my friend, I emotionally invest in our relationship, whether I show it or not.

Ok. I guess this is where I write that I've developed quite a fondness for a friend of mine. (who is probably reading this right now, and god I hope not, but if she is, I'm sorry). And I don't want to say anything because I like spending time with her; I like calling her a friend. And I don't want that to go away. But sometimes it makes me sad...because I look at her and think "god you're beautiful and funny and smart and cool... why aren't you into me at all?"

Fortunately, I know it will go away over time. My stupid crushes always do. So, and I hope she's not reading this, but if you are reading, please don't feel weird. I'm just lonely and well you're nice to me and you're beautiful and funny and smart and cool. And I spend too much time alone.

And, I mean, asking Sarah out ended up not weirding our friendship. Instead, I'd say that it probably loosened it up, because now I don't ever think about it. She's a friend who I care about, but I don't have to worry about trying to date her. I got that out of the way.

So who knows what I'll do.

Why is this all coming out? Perhaps it's because of the wedding. Perhaps its because of my birthday. Perhaps its because i'm lonely. who knows.