poof. vanished.

Having trouble focusing

When I was a senior in High school, I drove a friend to work a lot. Nina Johnson. Apollonia. The single greatest name I've ever heard. Anyway. I remember one day that Nina was going around looking for mints or something. And I didn't have any. But I thought, I have a few minutes... I'll go buy Nina some tic tacs before lunch. So I did. And when I found Nina again and gave her the mints, she said to me: "why are you giving these to me?" And I said "because you wanted a mint." And she said "what do you want from me?" And I said "nothing." and she said "no one does anything without wanting something in return." Perhaps. I wasn't hitting on her or anything. and I certainly didn't want money or anything like that. Sure, I'm sure I wanted her to think well of me... but that wasn't really on the front of my mind. No... all I was really thinking was "Nina wants mints." Is that really that weird?

Friends mean something to me. I think it's because I feel like my friendships are very fragile. Like I assume they will collapse at any moment. And they do... without warning. just one day you realize "hey, I haven't emailed Jeremy in over a year." And poof...its gone. So, while they're there, I try to treat my friendships as special to me, because they are.

Look... it's no big statement to say that i have a pretty huge lack of self esteem/self confidence. I don't really tend to think i'm worth much. But sometimes. sometimes. when I feel special. When I feel like I matter. It's because of my friends. Their numbers have been dwindling as of recent. I call far fewer people "close friends" any more... Today, most people I know are somewhere between acquaintance and friend... better than someone I just happen to know, but less than someone to whom I can bare my soul. But the few I let in closer than normal, those are the people who really mean something; who I think about often; and who I am dreadfully scared to lose. Because it could happen at any second. poof.