back... more ruminations about friends

So, the blog has as of recent turned into a ground where I can explore my thoughts on the meaning and nature of my friendships with different people. Casual friends, acquaintances, good friends, "girl friends." And I'm happy about that, because I think I'm beginning to understand my own mentality about my friends.

What is the impetus for all this? Well, and I've talked about this before, but I feel like my life goes in about 3 year cycles. And at the end of each cycle, I move, or other people move, or my life takes a different direction, or whatever causes it, a serious change happens and I leave an old life behind, and start a new one. 3 years in law school. 3 years at borders. basically 3 years at Oberlin. 3 Years with Marta. 3 years. And always a dramatic change at the end. And always, in that change, I leave friends behind, and I always feel like I leave a little piece of me behind. I'm an odd cat. I'm terrified of getting too emotionally close to anyone because I'm afraid of them finding out about the "real" me and not liking him. And as importantly, I'm afraid of getting hurt when they go away. But the truth is, to my friends who I open up to, I get more emotionally invested than may be apparent to them, or to me. And when we go our separate ways after 3 years, I leave that piece of me behind. Because when I say "emotionally invested," i mean that I accidentally give a small piece of myself over. And when that friendship gets taken away, it hurts me because I lost that piece.

I've recently had a lot of opportunity to reflect on this. Some of it I've written about already here. Nooree, of course, was the subject of many posts. And again, she's worth mentioning here. (and Yes, now that I realize she reads more frequently than I had once thought, I would be wise to not write anything, but "damn the torpedoes!" I need to work through my thoughts and I don't mind if she reads). I really was terrified when school ended that I'd lose contact of her, because I really liked her and I wanted to get to know her better. Now, since graduation, as we've spent more time together, I've felt closer and closer to her. In fact, as I've gotten to know her better, I've liked her even more than I thought I would. And now I've accidently allowed myself to get emotionally invested and I dont want to get hurt. And I'm not talking about hurt because I think I feel more deeply and differently about her than she feels about me. That's fine; That's a temporary kind of hurt; that's nothing new to me. What I mean is, I don't want to lose her as a friend now. As I've said, I'm always afraid of the fragility of friendships. If/when I move; if/when I get boring to her; if/when she starts dating a guy and I get jealous or he gets jealous or she feels it's not right to hang out with me and I get more jealous. It's all very precarious. And part of me
wishes I could pull myself back and withdraw my emotional attachment, but I can't. Sorry.

But Nooree is not the only reason I've been thinking about this. Suzi and Sean, too are such great people and I'm so lucky to have them as friends, but I wish I had met them at a different time in my life, when I had more time to spend with them. I feel a certain kinship with Suzi. She's more like me, in some ways, than my own sister. And Sean.... he's such a great guy it almost catches me off guard. And so, with them too, I've allowed myself to get too close to them. I care about them, I feel good when I can spend even a little bit of time with them, because I think they have an odd natural understanding of me that it beyond my explaining.

Its a bit like how I think of Sara. That's really it, I think. Suzi reminds me so much of Sara that our friendship, to me, was very natural. And to think of it now, Sara is a great example to help me explain what I'm trying to say. I've known Sara since 7th grade. Since we were 12. 18 years. But, of course, I wasn't really friends with her (tho I did have a small crush on her in 7th grade) until Marta and I started going out. Then, I really got to know Sara. And Sara was always a great and steady friend. And one thing I've thought about Sara more than perhaps any of my friends, is that Sara seems to have an inate understanding of my mentality. I think of my brain as sorta screwy compared to other people, and I think that Sara perhaps more than anyone I've ever known, has understood my screwy brain. So, today I still think of Sara as a close friend, even tho I don't speak with her much any more. But I think that's a unique situation. I can go months without hearing from Sara, but then seeing her or emailing her is never ever weird. its like there was never a break (or at least, never a big one). I wish it could be like that with all my friends. I wish there could be no weirdness even over time or whatever. but there is.

Tho, maybe left behind friends can be gotten again. Recently, Erin has been a great friend as she's helped me deal with my self-confidence and dating issues. What is surprising about this for me is that I would have thought Erin was one of those people who I would have enjoyed back in a previous life and would be friendly with in my current life, but would ultimately be left in the past. Happily, it's like she was pulled out of the past and has become a great new friend. Thanks Erin!

And then there's Kelsey. Kelsey Cowger. someone I knew back in Oberlin. Back in teh dark time. I found her on facebook the other day and wrote her a quick message that said "hey, remmber me?" and sure enough, she did! I was expecting her to say "who the hell are you, stalker asshole." But nope. I hope to hear more from her. It'll be nice to at least hear from someone back from those times. IT's a piece of myself that I left behind and thought was gone forever.
Ugh. this shoudl stop. But first, I've noticed that I've listed a lot of female friends here. Why is that? I should mention some guys. I didn't mention Mike initially , but I think that's because I consider Mike family, at this point. I don't think Andrew's going anywhere either. Kevin, well... I have a great relationship with him... and it's been like 90% a phone relationship, which I weird for me because I really don't like the phone too much. But he scares me sometimes when he says he hasn't spoken with Lindsay or Rachel in a while because I don't want that to happen to me. I really like Kevin. He's awesome. And then there's Jason. I think we share too many similarities to not be friends at this point. But, him too, i fear sometimes the weekly phone calls will just stop. Again, I don't really like the phone.

ugh. this has rambled on enough. I need to write these things not after spending so much time alone and not when so tired. Let me end it by saying, I'm not looking at taking the bar all too soon, and still planning to move, and I'm scared of losing all my friends back here. While I'll probably meet new people, they are not substitutes. And I crave deep friendships, and of course, I crave a deep companionship (but seem to always go after the wrong people), and I don't want to be alone, and I wonder if running off to Oregon will screw up whatever ground work i've laid here. Will I, there, only meet coffee shop acquaintances, like so many people at Stauf's? Or will I get what I'm looking for? And if I do, do i really want anyone to take the place of the people mentioned in this email? No. friends are to be added to, not to be replaced.

Alright. enough. sometimes I wish my brain would just shut up.