plagued

I've said that I'm plagued with a long memory. I wish I could forget more, but it just sticks in there. And I replay things over and over in my head. And all the time, I wonder, how things would be different, if...



I found some stuff from my past today. Some letters that, for whatever reason, I never threw out. That's a lie. I know what reason. Because I was trying, at the time, to pick up the pieces of my shattered life, and pretend like things could go back to how they were. Anyway, I found these letters. Problem 1. Then I read them. BIIIG problem 2. Now their gone. forever. And never to return. But having read them, I've been thinking about how life would be different if I had just made some simple little choices. If I had gone to Middleberry. If I had stayed at Case. If I had gone to Marshall. If I hadn't moved back home in 2002.

But why do I dwell? Do other people dwell? Do other people play this nasty, self-tortuous game of what if? It's not productive at all; it's only negative. It only makes me unhappy with who I am because I wonder if I could have been something else I like better.

One of my life changing decisions I made at the Magnetic Fields concert was to be more proactive about my life. John Lennon said that "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans." Well, I'd like to refine that: Life is what happened while I was waiting for something to happen. I've rarely felt in control of my destiny in my life. And especially right now. I feel like I'm trying to grab life. I'm trying to take control. But it's just not working. I'm no good at it. I try to find a job, but no one gives me an interview. I try to ask her out, but she shoots me down, I try to do shit, but the damn bar is getting in the way.

ugh. i'm frustrated and this has lost focus.