Not sure what's wrong with me. I've been wandering up and down in the house for hte past 5 hours without doing anything really. I've got this wicked headache. I shoudl have gone out with Kevin but I just couldn't get motivated.
Today I went to Oberlin for the first time in about 5 years. It was nice. Very pretty day. Megan and I got together at the Feve. I miss Megan and Carla. A full year working our asses off and complaining about Swire seems have been quite the bonding experience.
While I was in school there was, dad came and pick me up nearly every weekend and drive me back 2 days later. I remember when I was losing my mind, and I called my mom, and mom called dad to come out and get me. I never really gave my parents credit for how great they were to me when I was losing my mind. I gave them such shit when I was around that age, and they still rescued me from my insanity without question. It was like "Stephen's messed up; we have to help him; there's no question." That's amazing to me. I was so selfish. And it didn't matter. We fought so much and it didn't matter. I was hurting, and they helped because they're great.
Dad came to get me every weekend. Sure, it was only like 25 minutes from work, but it was an hour from home. Every weekend, so I could then leave and work and spend time with Marta. Every weekend. I was selfish.
I've thought of this a lot. Not just because of what happened, but because as much shit as I've given my parents, I still think of that as so great of them.
Alrighty... Im just being weapy. I need to stop.
ugh. my head hurts.
I'm excited about next week. I'm a little hesitant to leave mom alone, but i figure andrew is here, so that's good. But I can't stop the excitement. I need to escape. I can't wait to get back to columbus. I can't want to see Nooree (especially since time will be much happier and I may actually bring her chocolates like I've been trying for weeks and maybe we'll go roller skating but whatever we do will be fine with me because I just enjoy her company and maybe she'll be able to come out and play more than once). Im a little worried about having to answer questions about dad from 1/2 a millino people at Stauf's, but at the same time, it will be nice to have a bunch of people around who care. I hope maybe i'll get t ride bikes with Suzi and Sean. Hopefully Erica will show up. The chef may make me drink absinthe with him! And Morrissey!
ugh. my head hurts. god i hope the peeps at the bar let me take the test god i hope so.
Showing posts with label suzi. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suzi. Show all posts
Friday, March 20, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
hrm
As if the heavens are conspiring to make me contemplative and insecure about my relationship siwht my friend and family, this past week has done exactly that, continuing the 30th year trend.
This past saturday at the funeral made me, again, aware of how dichotomous my life is. I suppose this is true for many, if not most people. But it's something that never fails to give me pause. I want to leave, move far away, start over, be someone else; but at the same time, I really truly love my friends and family and I need them and i want to be with them. Part of me is extremely materialistic--I want goodies, toys, CDs, DVDs, cars, bikes. And the other part of me was looking into volunteer projects across the world (another idea that's been put on indefinite hold). And now, part of me exists before this thing, and part of me exists after. And the people from columbus all sort of symbolize my life after this thing, to me, because they never knew dad, and they never will. I talked enough of Suzi, Sean, and Nooree, that even forgetful dad would have known who they were. I can't count how many times I said to each of them "when you meet my dad, you'll understand," because he was a hard guy to explain. Mike, on the other hand, represents the me before this thing. And it was great that he was there. But, as if to further represent this dichotomy, I couldn't bring them together. Not that i expected them all to come out with us, but it would have been nice. It would have been nice to try to unite 2 parts of me, even if just symbolically. And I doubt I'll get the chance again...at least, not any time soon.
That, tho, is sorta how things have always been for me. I've always run with a few different crowds. At different times, they've come together, sorta, but they're still separate worlds. My Gilmour Friends and my chagrin friends; the guys at Gilmour and the girls. The Oberlin people and my home life. Now, law school and non law school. Or better, cleveland and columbus. I don't know what it means. I don't know that it means anything. but it makes me think. All of you mean so much to me...all of you...not just because of this...it's just coming out because of this...and I don't understand why you're all split into pieces. Its like I've said for the past several years: I like columbus, but I just wish I could move my whole friends and family there.
Today, I got into dad's car (again) and pointed myself in no particular direction (again). And I thought to myself. I'm having a hard time making decisions. I stared at a CD today for about 1/2 hour before I decided not to buy it.
I need to call people. I need to call Matt and Ro. I need get my crap together and submit it to the bar and pray that they'll actually let me sit for the exam. and I need to start applying for jobs again. ugh.
Monday, January 19, 2009
back... more ruminations about friends
So, the blog has as of recent turned into a ground where I can explore my thoughts on the meaning and nature of my friendships with different people. Casual friends, acquaintances, good friends, "girl friends." And I'm happy about that, because I think I'm beginning to understand my own mentality about my friends.
What is the impetus for all this? Well, and I've talked about this before, but I feel like my life goes in about 3 year cycles. And at the end of each cycle, I move, or other people move, or my life takes a different direction, or whatever causes it, a serious change happens and I leave an old life behind, and start a new one. 3 years in law school. 3 years at borders. basically 3 years at Oberlin. 3 Years with Marta. 3 years. And always a dramatic change at the end. And always, in that change, I leave friends behind, and I always feel like I leave a little piece of me behind. I'm an odd cat. I'm terrified of getting too emotionally close to anyone because I'm afraid of them finding out about the "real" me and not liking him. And as importantly, I'm afraid of getting hurt when they go away. But the truth is, to my friends who I open up to, I get more emotionally invested than may be apparent to them, or to me. And when we go our separate ways after 3 years, I leave that piece of me behind. Because when I say "emotionally invested," i mean that I accidentally give a small piece of myself over. And when that friendship gets taken away, it hurts me because I lost that piece.
I've recently had a lot of opportunity to reflect on this. Some of it I've written about already here. Nooree, of course, was the subject of many posts. And again, she's worth mentioning here. (and Yes, now that I realize she reads more frequently than I had once thought, I would be wise to not write anything, but "damn the torpedoes!" I need to work through my thoughts and I don't mind if she reads). I really was terrified when school ended that I'd lose contact of her, because I really liked her and I wanted to get to know her better. Now, since graduation, as we've spent more time together, I've felt closer and closer to her. In fact, as I've gotten to know her better, I've liked her even more than I thought I would. And now I've accidently allowed myself to get emotionally invested and I dont want to get hurt. And I'm not talking about hurt because I think I feel more deeply and differently about her than she feels about me. That's fine; That's a temporary kind of hurt; that's nothing new to me. What I mean is, I don't want to lose her as a friend now. As I've said, I'm always afraid of the fragility of friendships. If/when I move; if/when I get boring to her; if/when she starts dating a guy and I get jealous or he gets jealous or she feels it's not right to hang out with me and I get more jealous. It's all very precarious. And part of me
wishes I could pull myself back and withdraw my emotional attachment, but I can't. Sorry.
But Nooree is not the only reason I've been thinking about this. Suzi and Sean, too are such great people and I'm so lucky to have them as friends, but I wish I had met them at a different time in my life, when I had more time to spend with them. I feel a certain kinship with Suzi. She's more like me, in some ways, than my own sister. And Sean.... he's such a great guy it almost catches me off guard. And so, with them too, I've allowed myself to get too close to them. I care about them, I feel good when I can spend even a little bit of time with them, because I think they have an odd natural understanding of me that it beyond my explaining.
Its a bit like how I think of Sara. That's really it, I think. Suzi reminds me so much of Sara that our friendship, to me, was very natural. And to think of it now, Sara is a great example to help me explain what I'm trying to say. I've known Sara since 7th grade. Since we were 12. 18 years. But, of course, I wasn't really friends with her (tho I did have a small crush on her in 7th grade) until Marta and I started going out. Then, I really got to know Sara. And Sara was always a great and steady friend. And one thing I've thought about Sara more than perhaps any of my friends, is that Sara seems to have an inate understanding of my mentality. I think of my brain as sorta screwy compared to other people, and I think that Sara perhaps more than anyone I've ever known, has understood my screwy brain. So, today I still think of Sara as a close friend, even tho I don't speak with her much any more. But I think that's a unique situation. I can go months without hearing from Sara, but then seeing her or emailing her is never ever weird. its like there was never a break (or at least, never a big one). I wish it could be like that with all my friends. I wish there could be no weirdness even over time or whatever. but there is.
Tho, maybe left behind friends can be gotten again. Recently, Erin has been a great friend as she's helped me deal with my self-confidence and dating issues. What is surprising about this for me is that I would have thought Erin was one of those people who I would have enjoyed back in a previous life and would be friendly with in my current life, but would ultimately be left in the past. Happily, it's like she was pulled out of the past and has become a great new friend. Thanks Erin!
And then there's Kelsey. Kelsey Cowger. someone I knew back in Oberlin. Back in teh dark time. I found her on facebook the other day and wrote her a quick message that said "hey, remmber me?" and sure enough, she did! I was expecting her to say "who the hell are you, stalker asshole." But nope. I hope to hear more from her. It'll be nice to at least hear from someone back from those times. IT's a piece of myself that I left behind and thought was gone forever.
Ugh. this shoudl stop. But first, I've noticed that I've listed a lot of female friends here. Why is that? I should mention some guys. I didn't mention Mike initially , but I think that's because I consider Mike family, at this point. I don't think Andrew's going anywhere either. Kevin, well... I have a great relationship with him... and it's been like 90% a phone relationship, which I weird for me because I really don't like the phone too much. But he scares me sometimes when he says he hasn't spoken with Lindsay or Rachel in a while because I don't want that to happen to me. I really like Kevin. He's awesome. And then there's Jason. I think we share too many similarities to not be friends at this point. But, him too, i fear sometimes the weekly phone calls will just stop. Again, I don't really like the phone.
ugh. this has rambled on enough. I need to write these things not after spending so much time alone and not when so tired. Let me end it by saying, I'm not looking at taking the bar all too soon, and still planning to move, and I'm scared of losing all my friends back here. While I'll probably meet new people, they are not substitutes. And I crave deep friendships, and of course, I crave a deep companionship (but seem to always go after the wrong people), and I don't want to be alone, and I wonder if running off to Oregon will screw up whatever ground work i've laid here. Will I, there, only meet coffee shop acquaintances, like so many people at Stauf's? Or will I get what I'm looking for? And if I do, do i really want anyone to take the place of the people mentioned in this email? No. friends are to be added to, not to be replaced.
Alright. enough. sometimes I wish my brain would just shut up.
What is the impetus for all this? Well, and I've talked about this before, but I feel like my life goes in about 3 year cycles. And at the end of each cycle, I move, or other people move, or my life takes a different direction, or whatever causes it, a serious change happens and I leave an old life behind, and start a new one. 3 years in law school. 3 years at borders. basically 3 years at Oberlin. 3 Years with Marta. 3 years. And always a dramatic change at the end. And always, in that change, I leave friends behind, and I always feel like I leave a little piece of me behind. I'm an odd cat. I'm terrified of getting too emotionally close to anyone because I'm afraid of them finding out about the "real" me and not liking him. And as importantly, I'm afraid of getting hurt when they go away. But the truth is, to my friends who I open up to, I get more emotionally invested than may be apparent to them, or to me. And when we go our separate ways after 3 years, I leave that piece of me behind. Because when I say "emotionally invested," i mean that I accidentally give a small piece of myself over. And when that friendship gets taken away, it hurts me because I lost that piece.
I've recently had a lot of opportunity to reflect on this. Some of it I've written about already here. Nooree, of course, was the subject of many posts. And again, she's worth mentioning here. (and Yes, now that I realize she reads more frequently than I had once thought, I would be wise to not write anything, but "damn the torpedoes!" I need to work through my thoughts and I don't mind if she reads). I really was terrified when school ended that I'd lose contact of her, because I really liked her and I wanted to get to know her better. Now, since graduation, as we've spent more time together, I've felt closer and closer to her. In fact, as I've gotten to know her better, I've liked her even more than I thought I would. And now I've accidently allowed myself to get emotionally invested and I dont want to get hurt. And I'm not talking about hurt because I think I feel more deeply and differently about her than she feels about me. That's fine; That's a temporary kind of hurt; that's nothing new to me. What I mean is, I don't want to lose her as a friend now. As I've said, I'm always afraid of the fragility of friendships. If/when I move; if/when I get boring to her; if/when she starts dating a guy and I get jealous or he gets jealous or she feels it's not right to hang out with me and I get more jealous. It's all very precarious. And part of me
wishes I could pull myself back and withdraw my emotional attachment, but I can't. Sorry.
But Nooree is not the only reason I've been thinking about this. Suzi and Sean, too are such great people and I'm so lucky to have them as friends, but I wish I had met them at a different time in my life, when I had more time to spend with them. I feel a certain kinship with Suzi. She's more like me, in some ways, than my own sister. And Sean.... he's such a great guy it almost catches me off guard. And so, with them too, I've allowed myself to get too close to them. I care about them, I feel good when I can spend even a little bit of time with them, because I think they have an odd natural understanding of me that it beyond my explaining.
Its a bit like how I think of Sara. That's really it, I think. Suzi reminds me so much of Sara that our friendship, to me, was very natural. And to think of it now, Sara is a great example to help me explain what I'm trying to say. I've known Sara since 7th grade. Since we were 12. 18 years. But, of course, I wasn't really friends with her (tho I did have a small crush on her in 7th grade) until Marta and I started going out. Then, I really got to know Sara. And Sara was always a great and steady friend. And one thing I've thought about Sara more than perhaps any of my friends, is that Sara seems to have an inate understanding of my mentality. I think of my brain as sorta screwy compared to other people, and I think that Sara perhaps more than anyone I've ever known, has understood my screwy brain. So, today I still think of Sara as a close friend, even tho I don't speak with her much any more. But I think that's a unique situation. I can go months without hearing from Sara, but then seeing her or emailing her is never ever weird. its like there was never a break (or at least, never a big one). I wish it could be like that with all my friends. I wish there could be no weirdness even over time or whatever. but there is.
Tho, maybe left behind friends can be gotten again. Recently, Erin has been a great friend as she's helped me deal with my self-confidence and dating issues. What is surprising about this for me is that I would have thought Erin was one of those people who I would have enjoyed back in a previous life and would be friendly with in my current life, but would ultimately be left in the past. Happily, it's like she was pulled out of the past and has become a great new friend. Thanks Erin!
And then there's Kelsey. Kelsey Cowger. someone I knew back in Oberlin. Back in teh dark time. I found her on facebook the other day and wrote her a quick message that said "hey, remmber me?" and sure enough, she did! I was expecting her to say "who the hell are you, stalker asshole." But nope. I hope to hear more from her. It'll be nice to at least hear from someone back from those times. IT's a piece of myself that I left behind and thought was gone forever.
Ugh. this shoudl stop. But first, I've noticed that I've listed a lot of female friends here. Why is that? I should mention some guys. I didn't mention Mike initially , but I think that's because I consider Mike family, at this point. I don't think Andrew's going anywhere either. Kevin, well... I have a great relationship with him... and it's been like 90% a phone relationship, which I weird for me because I really don't like the phone too much. But he scares me sometimes when he says he hasn't spoken with Lindsay or Rachel in a while because I don't want that to happen to me. I really like Kevin. He's awesome. And then there's Jason. I think we share too many similarities to not be friends at this point. But, him too, i fear sometimes the weekly phone calls will just stop. Again, I don't really like the phone.
ugh. this has rambled on enough. I need to write these things not after spending so much time alone and not when so tired. Let me end it by saying, I'm not looking at taking the bar all too soon, and still planning to move, and I'm scared of losing all my friends back here. While I'll probably meet new people, they are not substitutes. And I crave deep friendships, and of course, I crave a deep companionship (but seem to always go after the wrong people), and I don't want to be alone, and I wonder if running off to Oregon will screw up whatever ground work i've laid here. Will I, there, only meet coffee shop acquaintances, like so many people at Stauf's? Or will I get what I'm looking for? And if I do, do i really want anyone to take the place of the people mentioned in this email? No. friends are to be added to, not to be replaced.
Alright. enough. sometimes I wish my brain would just shut up.
Friday, January 02, 2009
best birthday in years
There's so much to say, and with bar studying I can't say it all right now, but let it be known that I had the best birthday in many many years. As Andrew said, probably since the drunken wow-a-thon. IT was amazing. I think I enjoy spending time with Nooree more each time I see her. I was really scared when we graduated that I'd never see her again. And with just a little effort, that has been happily not true. She's really great. And it amazes me how close I feel to Suzi, Sean, and Erica, having met them all in the most superficial way: over a cup of coffee and a ton of books and a bunch of angst (on my part). All in all, turning 30 was a great experience... not the train wreck I was expecting.
Oh, and I sang Karaoke. I sang I touch myself. I belted it out. I wish I was recorded--my screaching falsetto. Awesome.
More on this all later. but just let me say: if anyone I know is reading this, thanks for all the birthday thoughts and wishes. And to Nooree, Sean, Suzi, Erica, and Amber... thanks for being there for me. You all get blog tags just for that. :) I'm cursed with a long memory; I will not forget how I spent my 30th. whelp... no more studying for today. my hand hurts from writing notecards. now, to write a cover letter, or something.
Oh, and I sang Karaoke. I sang I touch myself. I belted it out. I wish I was recorded--my screaching falsetto. Awesome.
More on this all later. but just let me say: if anyone I know is reading this, thanks for all the birthday thoughts and wishes. And to Nooree, Sean, Suzi, Erica, and Amber... thanks for being there for me. You all get blog tags just for that. :) I'm cursed with a long memory; I will not forget how I spent my 30th. whelp... no more studying for today. my hand hurts from writing notecards. now, to write a cover letter, or something.
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