hrm

As if the heavens are conspiring to make me contemplative and insecure about my relationship siwht my friend and family, this past week has done exactly that, continuing the 30th year trend.

This past saturday at the funeral made me, again, aware of how dichotomous my life is. I suppose this is true for many, if not most people. But it's something that never fails to give me pause. I want to leave, move far away, start over, be someone else; but at the same time, I really truly love my friends and family and I need them and i want to be with them. Part of me is extremely materialistic--I want goodies, toys, CDs, DVDs, cars, bikes. And the other part of me was looking into volunteer projects across the world (another idea that's been put on indefinite hold). And now, part of me exists before this thing, and part of me exists after. And the people from columbus all sort of symbolize my life after this thing, to me, because they never knew dad, and they never will. I talked enough of Suzi, Sean, and Nooree, that even forgetful dad would have known who they were. I can't count how many times I said to each of them "when you meet my dad, you'll understand," because he was a hard guy to explain. Mike, on the other hand, represents the me before this thing. And it was great that he was there. But, as if to further represent this dichotomy, I couldn't bring them together. Not that i expected them all to come out with us, but it would have been nice. It would have been nice to try to unite 2 parts of me, even if just symbolically. And I doubt I'll get the chance again...at least, not any time soon.

That, tho, is sorta how things have always been for me. I've always run with a few different crowds. At different times, they've come together, sorta, but they're still separate worlds. My Gilmour Friends and my chagrin friends; the guys at Gilmour and the girls. The Oberlin people and my home life. Now, law school and non law school. Or better, cleveland and columbus. I don't know what it means. I don't know that it means anything. but it makes me think. All of you mean so much to me...all of you...not just because of this...it's just coming out because of this...and I don't understand why you're all split into pieces. Its like I've said for the past several years: I like columbus, but I just wish I could move my whole friends and family there.

Today, I got into dad's car (again) and pointed myself in no particular direction (again). And I thought to myself. I'm having a hard time making decisions. I stared at a CD today for about 1/2 hour before I decided not to buy it.

I need to call people. I need to call Matt and Ro. I need get my crap together and submit it to the bar and pray that they'll actually let me sit for the exam. and I need to start applying for jobs again. ugh.