some thoughts

Well, its about 9am, i woke up about an hour ago, and i'm trying to make sense of the rest of my day. I'm meeting Missy for lunch, but that's not until 2, so I have many hours to kill before then... and I'm trying to focus on doing work, but I've got stuff going on in my mind.

One complaint an old friend used to have about me is that i need things to make sense and I play around with them in my head until they do. And i really bothers me when they don't. Now, that's probably an exaggeration. If something doesnt make sense, and I dont care about it, i usually stop thinking about it all together. but if I have any care, I suppose that's accurate.

The problem is, nothing makes sense. People recently have been saying to me "everything happens for a reason." But I just can't believe that. Look, i've been pretty nihilistic since high school. I just don't normally see patterns in what happens in the world, unless those patterns are bad crap keeps happening and good crap happens less and less. Now, true, i'm a pretty big pessimist. I've been trying to be more optimistic (honestly), but as I said to mom yesterday, why should I waste my time. Good stuff doesnt happen because you want it do. Bad stuff doesnt not happen because you dont want it to. It all just happens.

And herein lies the problem for me. I want to make sense of the world. I innately want to believe that there is some order. This is partly because I grew up religious and I was taught for so long that there was a greater authority in the universe, and this is partly because from my perspective, humans all want to find something greater. But everywhere I look, I see randomness and chaos. I see a path that, if it were to work out, everything would be just as I imagined. But then life never wants to actually go down that path. I feel, sometimes, like the more I hope for something to happen, the less likely it will happen. Perhaps that's why I never, never feel god about exams after they happen. if i feel good about it, i think i'll probably hex it.

For my whole high school life, i was taught about this correct path to follow. But there is no path. And this bothers me. because I want so much to understand the un-understandable. It hurts.

I feel like I want to go home to be with my family. I feel like i need a hug. Alrighty, this got a bit down, didn't it. I'm really not that physically down this morning; i'm just contemplative. serious does not necessarily = sad. Tho, maybe i need to be less serious. I'm definitely left with my own thoughts entirely too often.