should I stay or should I go

I mentioned a few days ago that I have this line of code which allows me to see when people visit my blog and where they're from. And I check it just about every day to see if anyone new has read. And it's been fairly amusing. But I woke up this morning thinking that may be I should store writing here. Or maybe I should change the format to something very impersonal.

I'm not sure why, but I've been very sentimental recently. I'm always sentimental--Kathryn once called me up and started our conversation with "you cry. let me ask you a question." But I've been thinking recently a lot about loosing friends, about being alone, yadda yadda yadda. And as I've said before, this blog is mainly a forum for me to work out my own thougths and feelings, but not really a direct portal into my head. Instead, it is a dialog. It's me tryingto figure things out. And so, all too frequently, it is down and depressing and sad because those are the thoughts that i'm trying to workout.... that's the part of my head that needs to talk things thru with itself.
Up until yesterday, I didn't mind if people I knew read this drivel. But I think it was mainly because the only people who read were kathryn and andrew.

Then yesterday, I went to see the Wrestler. And I was thinking about Micky Roarke's character, Randy "the Ram" Ram-somethingorother. And I was thinking that he's at this point in his life where he feels like the best days are behind him, and life now is just trugding on to an inevitable end. Importantly to what i'm thinking here, he wears his scars, physical and mental, clearly on his face and body. You can tell from on look at him who he is and what issues he has. And perhaps that's why Mickey Roarke was so great in teh role...he brought that pathos to it. Really great. The thing is, I just yesterday get self conscious about my people knowing my issues. And worse yet, people seeing me as totally screwed up because of the words I write here.


And so, I've thought about stopping this, or at least, not writing anything very personal at all. Maybe just writing about songs and movie clips. I don't know. I just don't want to seem like a pathetic character. I'm just a guy who spends a lot of time alone to his own thoughts and needs to resolve things going on in his mind. Screwed up? maybe, but no more than anyone else...at least, I'd like to believe. Moreover, this blog is not intended, really, to communicate anything. As is clear from the writing, I tend to write late at night, when i'm very tired, when I'm feeling particularly alone, and I dont try much to harness my thoughts. I just let them run. And in that, again, it isn't to communicate. It may be to document. It is certainly somthing for myself to look back at years from now. But I dont want it to be the primary way that people know me or think about me. I don't believe in astrology, but for some reason I was reading about capricorn's yesterday and it said this: "By nature Capricorns are cautious when entering a new love relationship, but once they feel 'safe' with their partner, the cool exterior melts away to reveal a sensitive and loyal heart beneath. As a friend, Capricorns can be relied upon to provide the strongest and most sympathetic pair of shoulders in the zodiac..." I like to think that at least in part, i'm like that. And so, i want people to know me, the people who i care about and let in closer, i want them to know my by my interaction with them and how i treat them... not this blog. On an aside, i think the myers briggs personality test (I'm an INJT) is very much like the psychological-sciences equivalent of the astrological sign.

I havent' really decided, tho. maybe its' just nervs from bar studying talking. I recently got very nervous and I need to really bear down on the studying now. Or maybe it's because of those letters I read the other day. Maybe its because I dont want people who i repsect and care about thinking that my head is screwy.

I've said it all here too many times, maybe i should stop. I can't decide. why am I all of a sudden all kinds of self conscious? It's google analytic's fault. Now that I KNOW people read, I don't know how to deal.