this one is for me

I always write, knowing full well that other people read this blog. I write normally for you all in some way... because I want to let you know what I'm thinking. Well... this one is all me. because its all depressing crap
So, I haven't been this depressed in years. years. probably since i was back at Oberlin. When i was lonely. and confused. and feeling like everything was pointless. that's how I am right now. Right here. Im lonely. Im confused. I dont understand why i work so fucking hard when ultimately it doesnt matter. I dont understand why it is that whenever i actively try to get someone to like me, it never works out. I dont understand why i can't handle pressure. I dont understand why im such a fucking fuck up. I dont understand why im so fucking unhappy. I dont understand why im so fucking alone. I dont know what the fuck im doing in law school. I dont know what the fuck im doing next year. I dont know who the fuck i am any more. I dont understand why i never see the people i call my friends. I dont understand fucking anything. I'm done. Ive had it. Im finished. life has beaten me. I didnt even make it to 30..... i didnt even make it to 29. this shit isnt worth it. life isnt worth fucking worrying about all teh fucking time. the world is a cold and lonely place. from dirt we are made and to dirt will will return. fucking goddamn. i hate this fucking shit

rent-boy

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose video game machines, cars, MP3 players, and electric can openers. Choose a vegetarian diet, low cholesterol, and health insurance. Choose fixed interest student loans. Choose rental payments. Choose your friends. Choose designer jeans and shiny shoes. Choose a three button, black pin stripe suit complete with matching belt and tie. Choose homework and wondering who the fuck you are every morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking small batch, boutique kettle chips in your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, with no friends, no family, and alone and lonely in a stuffy, ugly room while you eat peanut butter from the jar as you try to prepare for some pointless 'exam' that's really only tests if you can best the person next to you in a game of chance. Choose your future. Choose life. But who would want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reason when you go to law school?

tired

So, the good news is that I'm not nearly as insane as I was last night. The bad news is that I'm still going thru my anxiety thing. I'm no longer pining... and that's good...... I guess that I just felt like realy depressed and really confused and I really wanted someone there just for me. Let's face it, I needed a hug. Hell, i still need a hug

So I haven't written this because its not very real to me yet... but Uncle Bill died. I didn't know Uncle Bill very well... he was just Grandma's brother that I saw once every couple of years or so. But that doesnt mean that he wasnt family. On the contrary, he looked just like dad and grandma... so he was one of us, whether I knew him or not. And he gave me a bull. And I named that bull psychopath. And that's kinda awesome. Good bye Uncle Bill.... i wish I had known you better... I'm glad I got to see you a couple of months ago. Good bye.... the world is short one of my relatives... and that shouldn't be..... I no longer understand anything about life. And I dont understand anything about death. And I dont know why we go on. And I dont know why we strive every day to do something when ultimately, we are just going to leave this world.... ahhhh.. the cruel joke that is human consciousness. Why do we see things? It would be so much better if all we had to worry about is avoiding predators, eating ocassionally, and finding someone to spread our genes with. That is really the only purpose of life, anywya, right? To make sure that your genes are passed on? Right? Instead we can understand our own mortality. and that's awful. So we grasp for something greater than ourselves. LIke a god, or a country, or a football team, or a profession, or something. something that is timeless because we can't handle our or short span. but there is no way to live forever. Even if you make your mark, it is still, ultimately pointless. I dont know what I'm talking about. Im so tired I can't even see what I'm typing right now.

yoooooo darth maul

So, word is that Ray Park, who you SHOULD know as Darth Maul , has been cast as Snake Eyes in the upcomming (and surely crappy) G.I. Joe Movie. (not cobra-la, unfortunately). I have to say, I really love this casting move. He should be great. Tho, I wonder who they are going to be casting as Stormshadow, everyone's favorite Ninja Assassin. Anyway, way to go, at least for this one.

depressed

So, I was depressed last night. I'm still depressed. and that was one depressing post I made. Still, i'm not going to edit it out.... because i don't do that. Just know that i'm not going to kill myself or anything. it's just that things are very hard on me right now and I hate putting on my face for the world. That's why I need my blog. Because my mask can only be on so long. I can only feign calmness or happiness for so many hours in one day. then, i need to come here and just start typing and see what comes out. and that's what came out.

hurts

School hurts my head because I can't figure it out and its all imploding on me. Life hurts my body because I can't sleep when i want to and can't stay awake when i need to. law school hurts my will because it makes me realize how pointless this all is... life hurts my soul because I never make good friends until i leave them. She hurts my heart because she continues to be nice to me and I'm not quite over it yet and makes me realize once again that serendipity is bullshit and that... well... that i'm a friend... and that's good, but being a friend can be lonely too. (give me a couple of days, ok... its been a ruff semester).

double addendum

that sounds like some awesome porno sex position. Anyhoo... just so we are clear, I was right in my earlier post entitled "reflections." Right about the first part, that is, about liking her more than I should because I was setting myself up for failure. I just want all you out there who told me differently to acknowledge my correctness. that's all Im asking for.

addendum

Of course, anyone who reads this blog will know about my little burning torch....

the truth

I don't have time to cogitate on it... and I've wanted to... but I just haven't had time to think about how I am and where I am after my embarrassment the other night. Is it weird that I really want to think about what it means in the sorta mythos that is stephen? Is it because I'm a geek.? Probably. I think its because I'm an INTJ.... from what i've read, we do those kinds of things. Oh well.... it happens, i guess... I think my problem right now is that I'm still holding out hope... Maybe I shouldn't admit to that. But i can't help it. But, being passive and a weird cat and the kind of guy who'd ultimately rather have a friend than a girlfriend, I won't act any differently, and it won't really affect me, but I'll carry a small torch. A very small little torch that no one can see burning... sigh... it sucks to be the duckie... just once i want to be blaine.

no time

can't write much right now. But I have a lot to write. lots going on in my mind. instead, i'll just leave you with this picture.
It's comming back. real soon, like

wow. WoW

So... I saw maybe the best commercial today. I'm embedding it here even tho i know some of you (andrew) have troubles streaming video. dont care. this actually makes me want to play wow again. tho, it looks like they are ripping off apple. I mean, i dont think there is a copyright or tm violation or anything, but its definitely taking that style. any way... damn this is funny.

what's wrong with me

sigh. can't focus on my work.

rejected

So, I definitely need my "to pretty girls: I'm lonely and pathetic, don't talk to me" t-shirt. I don't want to blog this, but I have to. I got shot down today. It was a gentle let down.. but it was a let down nonetheless. Actually, it would have been better if she had just said "I don't like you... go away." But she didn't. And well... the problem is that I don't feel any different. I feel rejected, but I still like her....I don't have the "you suck" sort of feeling. But I don't have the "walking on sunshine sort of feeling" either. I mean, of course its better to know...but its hard too because I don't feel like changing how I'm acting toward her. I don't even feel like I have to. its better to have a friend than not.... that's always true..but, would I have like it to be different... of course..... no question....so I went home, ate a bunch of chex mix... and now i feel sick....and am trying to do some more work before going to bed.... but... well... I'm hurt.... and its not her fault Its mine. for getting my hopes up...... Its like when Marta asked me if all my problems were caused by her. Well, yes.. but they were my problems... and I'd never blame her. Sarah... I know you said you don't read my blog... but, if you do... well... I won't be weird... I'm just going to continue to be me. but, well, its just sometimes hard for us lonely guys... Sometimes I hate being a ducky. the duck man... duck-er-ino.... sometimes, I wish I were more of a james spader... but alas.... the duckman, i am.... sarah... i just hope you understand that while I may need to be sad in my blog here, I'm not at all mad.... just... well... i continue to be alone. and i dont want to be alone. and that's something i've been trying to remedy. and apparently all the girls im into aren't into me. maybe i should set my sights lower. or maybe I should become a monk. or maybe i should just be ok with being alone. gaaaa.... oh well, a new friend who actually wants to spend time with me is actually a really great thing... still.... see below: (I'm off like a dirty shirt.)

"I want you to know: Despite my appearance at this function, I remain now, and will always be, a Duckman."

clarification

Just to be clear... I'm not looking to get married or something. Its just that, I never understood before that there is a difference between liking somone and liking what someone likes. There is a difference, and I think its a serious difference, and I guess I'm only really interested anymore in people who i like, not people who I like what they like. And I'm not interested in fooling myself to thinking that liking someone for what they like is the same thing as liking them....Rebekka taught me that that's not a good idea.

reflections

So, there is only a very short time before finals and I'm not at all ready. Yes, i'm nervous... yes, im denying my lack of preparedness... but I'm not that bothered today. Tonight I went out to dinner with Sarah. And it was great. but i have a little dilemma.... I dont know if its because I'm pathetic. I don't know if its because I'm lonely. I dont know if its because I've been single for so long. I dont know if its because I'm old... but I feel myself liking her more than is healthy for me. Because if it turns out that she's really not interested in anything, well, its going to hurt... Now, I haven't fallen off that cliff yet, but I feel it comming. I'm going to say something. I'm going to say something. I'm going to say something. but not right now. Not until class is over. not until finals are over. Then I'll have the guts.... maybe by then things will have answered for themselves. I mean, if I had to guess, I'd say that she's not sure where i stand either... but I'm just no good at this unsure, tippy toe, courting part of the relationship. I just want to know. Am I barking up the wrong tree? Do I have a chance? Am I doing the right things? I have no idea.

then i stop... or, more acctuatly, i just stopped... and I have to think, am i into her because I'm lonely... or is it because I actually like her... or is it because she's nice to me. The last two girls I've dated have been mistakes for one reason or another.... Rebekka... well, I knew right away that we shouldn't date... but I was lonely. And it hurt in the end. Christine... well, i liked her... but there wasn't much there... it was more me being lonely and having found someone who thought I was physically attractive.... but I'm sick of that... its soooooo unsatisfying.... Sure, we had a good time, but it was ultimately hollow... and i hate the fact that I don't talk with her now... its not that i dont like her or anythings... its more like, we weren't really compatable as friends... not enemies or anything... just two very different people...

and I feel myself going in that direction...What i neeed to do is stop trying... stop thinking about. I need to not worry about it for at least the next 20 days. But I just want to know... I'm tired... I think I'll go to bed early. I was going to throw in a movie. maybe I will still... but i sorta doubt it....

things were so much easier in high school. marta demanded that I go out with her.... Katie jumped on top of me... marta and I didn't break up... So im no good at this beginning part... because I never had a beginning part.. I just skipped all that bullshit. and I wasn't so eager... or anxious.. or something...

ohhhh... what does it matter? Even if i were to start dating someone, I'll most likely be hundreds of miles away next year. hundreds of miles away.... and It will only hurt to move.. sigh.... what the fuck... why can't anything ever be easy?

Indy... please dont suck

So, im very conflicted. Mr. Lucas. Mr. Speilberg.. PLEASE DON'T FUCK UP INDY!!!!! You already have to pretend that the new star wars movies never happened. please don't do it to Indy. Please don't make me kill you. These new photos... looopoook... sweeeeett... please dont fuck it up.

blechjjj

So, I want to take more time to 'smell the rose' as they say. Our lives are some demanding. I spend all of my time working on something. I really just want to go out and walk on a trail.

hrmmm....????......hrmmmm.....

So, as is common on sunday mornings, I don't feel like working yet, so I'm going to blog. I know that my blogs are pretty routinely depressing, and I think that stems from a few factors. First, I often blog late at night when I'm all alone and its dark and I kinda just want to talk to someone. So, i'm depressed. Second, I often blog when I have something that I need to say, and often what I need to say is depressing. Third, I'm a depressive. Once the school year is over until january, I'll try to be more positive here.
Anyway, today's ok. I rode my bike to stauf's, so that's kinda awesome. But anyway, under Kathryn's advisement, I checked out match.com.... I'm not planning on following up anything on it, I'm still trying to 'old fasioned' method, but I did check it out......and I've noticed one thing that's a little curious. Like all the girls on it list "long hair" as a turn-off... hrmmmm... I mean, a specific turn off. now... i can understand not really wanting long hair... but i mean, a turn off. hrmmmmm...anyway, it hardly matters.... old fashioned way still working on it... it'll work work work...

anyway, i suppose that I should do work. so that's what I'm going to do. I'll probably post again later... maybe from a propo.

down like a clown

Long day of work. Just finished. going to bed. but have to brush teeth... so, stalling... because getting ready for bed sounds like a lot of work right now. I really should have done laundry... no socks. maybe i'll just buy socks tomorrow. Then i can put off laundry for another couple of days. Got some good work done today. Tomorrow has to be even better. So, I'm locking myself in my cave--the journal office. I like it when no one's there, but tnight the lights where humming and crushed my head. tired. tired... should just go to bed. seeing family and friends was nice... wish it was recharging... but instead it just reminded me of the conflicts... I like columbus more than i have at any time in the past. I've got stauf's, friends, some stableness, a possibly viable prospect for dating... but I'm moving away... it seems that everytime things start to get comfortable. Things start to feel normal... it gets taken away. Sure, its my fault this time... but still... still... god, i wonder what would have happened if borders had promoted me... woudl I be living in ann arbor right now? would I be a manger... I think its a possibility that I'd be in ann arbor... am i better off now? Will I be better off next year? tired tired tired... sleepy.. and wishing that I wasn't alone. Its not that I'm lonely..... its more like, I haven't used my voice for many hours...and I probably won't tomorrow very much... lock myself in the journal office.... no talky for a while, i guess.. oh well, tired tired tired.. neeeeeed to sleep... wish post was more interesting.

turkey day!

So, despite the amazing amounts of work I have to do, I decided to go home for turkey day... However, I'll be headed back to cbus later this evening.... provided there isn't a blizzard or something. Right now, its snowing a bit, so that's a distinct possibility Still, I've driven thru some awful weather, so maybe I shouldn't be worried too to much. Things right now are ok. I've gotten some work done, but not worked on my paper which I really need to focus on starting tonight. so, instead, I've been studying for patents... its going a bit ruff... lots o info.

I think I've cajoled jason into reading this blog now... so that's exciting. hanging out with him last night was awesome. Old friends are basically incomparable.... And i was thinking, I've actually known Jason now for more than 7 years. bordering on 8, actually. that's a shit load of time... and makes me say 'where the fuck has the time gone' yet again. Kathryn tries to tell me i'm not old... but the reason I feel so old is because I haven't even kinda begun a real life yet... and I won't begin a real life for another 6 years... I guess that part of the reason I've been so anxious about Sarah is not just because I haven't dated in so long...but its because I'd like something stable in my life. As bad as some of the times with Marta were, at least she was awesome that she always wanted to talk to me and always wanted to see me. It was stable. it was real. and it was consistent. And it was nice to feel wanted. Now, well, I know that some people would worry about me if I wasn't around for a couple of days, but I really can't prove it..... and I guess that's it... I feel old because i'm 'behind' where I imagined my life at this point and because I'm taking steps to just stretch that out.... talking with Jason, its tru, I'd like to just work and make money and not worry too much about stuff... but, some sort of egoism is forcing me to stay in school,learn something cool, and get that phd, and teach... i know that I could be happy just working some job that pays well enough to buy my cds once a week... but my ego won't let me... I want to be more tao. I want to get rid of humanly wants..... but I just can't sem to cast my ego away...not yet anyway.

so, on a final note, I think I'm going to post over at myspace more frequently. The fact that people comment on my posts over there makes me feel nice.. makes me remember that people actually do care enough to read this drivel. And, I secretly hope that Sarah reads it. Because I've been awkward recently because I dont know what she thinks and I just can't seem to spit out what I want to.

ok.. back to patents... happy tofurkey day