things that would have been different

Time - Pink Floyd

Back in 1997, i made what i see now as one of those turning point decisions that has directed my life. Instead of going to Middlebury College (a fantastic school that accepted me based on the weight of an essay about how much I loved Falafel and other esoteric things), I decided to go to Oberlin and stay near cleveland and near Marta. The next 5 years were a very difficult time in my life, and one that I, sadly don't remember much about. probably because i was in such a bad place, that i've blocked those memories. Anyway, as i wrote yesterday, i often think about how i got to where i am and how life would be different (probably) if i hadn't made certain decisions. So, what if i had gone to Middlebury? People I probably wouldn't know today: Jason, Kevin, Nooree, Suzi, Sean, Erin, Sarah, Andrew (in the same way), and basically everyone else that matters to me right now. I mean, i probably wouldn't even be friends with Marta and Sara, i bet... I would have just stayed out in Vermont, started a new life, and gone on. So the question is, do i prefer life how it is to how I envisioned it 12 years ago? Well, I like my friends I have today. I really like them and it saddens me that I rarely see them. And I like my obsession with music and movies (something that's a direct result from my work at Flicks and at Borders--two places i wouldn't have worked had i not left school 2 years in). I like that I'm a cyclist. But, that being said, I'm horribly self conscious. I have no self esteem. I barely think I can do anything. and I have no focus whatsoever. Products of me leaving school and "the dark times" as I call them. So, would I trade self esteem and a job and career and life in the path I was "supposed" to have taken for the people in my life today? I feel a little like Jimmy Stewart right now. I do wish I had some clarity. that's not too much to ask, is it? my brain feels like its in a fog. I think i have a brain cloud.

"You mean you were diagnosed with something called a brain cloud and didn't ask for a second opinion?" :P