Hugs

I like to hug. Let me rephrase that. I like to hug those I care about. But I often feel awkward hugging people, not for myself, but because I know others don't always feel comfortable hugging. They're unwilling to commit.....girls, for example, often to that elbows locked in, light grab thing thats not committing to the hug. It's either that they dont feel comfortable hugging, or they dont feel comfortable hugging you. Me, i like to hug like I mean it. Arms fully around the other person, perhaps with a gentle squeeze.....

I haven't met many other people who are comfortable hugging that way. Margaret give great hugs. She's not at all embarassed or ashamed.... she commits. Zach, for that matter, gives good hugs...

And then there was Gabe Alesci. She's, perhaps, the first person who made me think about hugging. I remember when we hugged back when I was a junior in high school. On retreat. And she hugged me with her whole body, with a little rub on my back...Now, to be clear... I liked Gabe, but I didn't have a crush on her or anything. Sure, she was pretty, and i liked her but that just wasn't my relationship with her. But when she hugged me, i remember thinking "wow... what the hell is that? that was something." I felt cared about. that's the only way i can describe it.

I've read that we should all hug more. I've read that there are actual, medical benefits to hugging. That women especially have lower rates of heart disease if they hug more. That part of it is putting your hearts and your heads next to each other. Even tho our anatomical hearts do not control emotion, we still see it as the center of our 'love' and we want that to be close to those who we love.

But I find too many people are afraid of the physical contact.

Maybe Im thinking about this becuase I've been spending so many days alone without any contact with anyone. Today I dont think I spoke before 4pm.... its not the way i want to be. I remember when I was at oberlin, i basically stopped speaking when i wasnt in class at one point. that was a bad time. and it got so crazy that I actually started forgetting to say things. I would think I said them, but in reality I just said them to myself.

Now, to be fair, i like my alone time. I still go for drives just so i can think and listen to music. But we all need companionship. I don't mean just randomly being with people. Extroverts need that, but we introverts shy away. Instead, we need people who care about us, we need to feel understood...loved...I do anyway.

And maybe that's why I like hugging those I care about. Because it is a close, semi-intimate moment with someone and maybe the best way that I can say I care. It's me giving me. There's no crowd. There's just companionship. Maybe. I have to think about that more.