where's the nearest building to thro myself from

I can explain in one sentence why im so pessimistic and negative all the time. Because nothing ever ever goes right. One more sentence. Because everytime I get my hopes up, life comes in to crush them back in their place. fuck you life... i hate you too.

fucking cold

It's fucking cold in here. I'm sitting in the room waiting for international human rights law to begin and its so fucking cold that my figers hurt. What that fuck is wrong with this school? Why can't they maintain a livable temperature. its either super fucking hot or super fucking cold. gaaaa...

I worked for about 30-35 hours on journal work since friday at noon and i arive this morning and erin asks for help on doing so last minute spot checking. I said, honestly, I have to work on school work that I've been putting off since friday.... and i get the "i'd love to do school work." well, ya know what? youhad all weekend to do school work.... me not so much. and besides, i'm the only person i know who actually cares about day to day work more than end of the year bull shit. for me, my day to day preparation is what I do best. Its where I learn. And, unlike most mornoic law students, I actually want to learn. And becaus of journal, i haven't been able to prepare like i want to. and i feel like I'm slipping. and I hate that. so, ugh... so fucking cold.

further proof that we have entered the end time. prepare yourself; judgment day approachith

So, Amy Winhouse won 5 grammy's for singing a song about not going to rehab when she was just booted from the country for her crack habit and rehab stay. I don't normally pay much attention to the Grammys. They always come off as more of a popularity contest than a legitimate awards show... then again, I love it every time Kanye West gets snubbed and he whines about how awesome he is and blah blah blah. But I do check the winner, out of curiosity sake. This year, they got at least one correct: Icky Thump by the White Stripes won best alternative album. of course, its not "alternative" like what that words used to mean, but whatever. Anyway the Grammys this year had the single best list of nominees for one category ever: Best Spoken Word Album. Nominees. Maya Angelou "celebrations"; Bill Clinton "Giving"; Jimmy Carter "Sunday Mornings in Plains"; Alan Alda "Things I overheard while talking to myself"; and the winner Barack Obama "The Audacity of Hope." Damn. what a list. 3 world leaders, 1 mega famous poet; 1 Hawkeye.


one more point. Aaron Applebaum endorsed Barry Obama for prez.... I'm coming around, actually. Hilly, you had your shot, but I have the feeling like the movement can't be stopped. and if the movement is that powerful, I think it could do wonderful things.

jaydog

So, Jason has a new blogger blog. http://theartofthedoodle.blogspot.com/ go there. see his awesome art work. love it. then, go to http://pencilsandinks.com/ while you're at it. and tell all your friends. especially those friends who want to buy sell and trade comic art.

i'm in love

I'm in love with Sarah Silverman. I would have cut off my left pinky to have been in that video. Ok, maybe not. I don't really like pain. but I definitely would have flown to LA or something.

slacker

So, first things first. I haven't posted in a while out of pure laziness. and apathy. and... i need a word like apathy, but not apathy. But Im back, baby....

so, above is my picture of Nooree from when we went to the bodies exhibit. As andrew has clearly already noted, this is a classic photo by stephen. Subject to one side. Fuzzy. Barely make out what's going on, let alone who it is... but I love pictures like this. Somehow, I think its more like an actual memory than most pictures. They are fuzzy. unclear.

and, of course, its arty. sorta.

so, Nooree was nice enough to go to the bodies exhibit with me before she went off to jolly old england. and the exhibit was pretty damn cool. ya know, if you're into that whole dead bodies cut apart and turned into plastic kinda thing. And of course, I am. so, it was kewl.

I'm sitting outside of my Int'l Human Rights class waiting for some 1Ls to get the hell out of our room. grrrrr... they don't belong there.

I've been considering emailing the director of graduate studies at Brown to say "hey, am i going to get in or not?" But I know full well that I won't hear anything until March. And I don't want to annoy them or anything. But I'm a bit tense.

I think people are a bit wussy about illness. I hear everyone around here 'gaa... I'm dizzy' 'gaaa' I can't breathe....' 'gaaa...cough cough cough... i'm dying.' I won't pretend that I'm happy when I'm sick... but I certainly don't turn into a sissy just because of it.

boooo

So... school starts up again tomorrow. I was all prepared to come here and make a positive post, but somehow I think is may turn out to be more negative than I'd like. Anyway, i guess a few people were slightly worried after my last post that I may, i dont know... kill myself or something. Well... no... that's not going to happen... but i just don't see a purpose to anything. if i were a god fearing man, I'd say that I need god in my life. however, that didn't work either... so I think that's not the answer. anyway, school is starting. my last sememster. People keep trying to cheer me up about it. but its not soon enough. 15 more weeks of pain. pain pain.
On an odder note, i've been very much feeling like I want to be alone recently. I don't really know why, but not being around anyone sounds more appealing than usual. hrm.
I just read that Burn by the Cure was actually written for the Crow soundtrack. That rules. That song rules... and I always thought that it fit the crow a bit too much to be just coincidence. so there you have it. I love that song.

movies Ive seen thus far in 2008: Juno, the Savages, I am legend (again), Sweeney Todd. I'm really going to try to keep this list up-to-day from now on.

ugh... well... there it is. first post of 2008... lamezor.... I'l try to write more better later, I hope. but this was post 111, apparenlty. that's somewhat amusing. ugh... I need to get my head in the right place. I SOOOOOOOoOOooooOOooooooOoOO am not ready for school tomorrow. blech

this one is for me

I always write, knowing full well that other people read this blog. I write normally for you all in some way... because I want to let you know what I'm thinking. Well... this one is all me. because its all depressing crap
So, I haven't been this depressed in years. years. probably since i was back at Oberlin. When i was lonely. and confused. and feeling like everything was pointless. that's how I am right now. Right here. Im lonely. Im confused. I dont understand why i work so fucking hard when ultimately it doesnt matter. I dont understand why it is that whenever i actively try to get someone to like me, it never works out. I dont understand why i can't handle pressure. I dont understand why im such a fucking fuck up. I dont understand why im so fucking unhappy. I dont understand why im so fucking alone. I dont know what the fuck im doing in law school. I dont know what the fuck im doing next year. I dont know who the fuck i am any more. I dont understand why i never see the people i call my friends. I dont understand fucking anything. I'm done. Ive had it. Im finished. life has beaten me. I didnt even make it to 30..... i didnt even make it to 29. this shit isnt worth it. life isnt worth fucking worrying about all teh fucking time. the world is a cold and lonely place. from dirt we are made and to dirt will will return. fucking goddamn. i hate this fucking shit

rent-boy

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose video game machines, cars, MP3 players, and electric can openers. Choose a vegetarian diet, low cholesterol, and health insurance. Choose fixed interest student loans. Choose rental payments. Choose your friends. Choose designer jeans and shiny shoes. Choose a three button, black pin stripe suit complete with matching belt and tie. Choose homework and wondering who the fuck you are every morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking small batch, boutique kettle chips in your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, with no friends, no family, and alone and lonely in a stuffy, ugly room while you eat peanut butter from the jar as you try to prepare for some pointless 'exam' that's really only tests if you can best the person next to you in a game of chance. Choose your future. Choose life. But who would want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reason when you go to law school?

tired

So, the good news is that I'm not nearly as insane as I was last night. The bad news is that I'm still going thru my anxiety thing. I'm no longer pining... and that's good...... I guess that I just felt like realy depressed and really confused and I really wanted someone there just for me. Let's face it, I needed a hug. Hell, i still need a hug

So I haven't written this because its not very real to me yet... but Uncle Bill died. I didn't know Uncle Bill very well... he was just Grandma's brother that I saw once every couple of years or so. But that doesnt mean that he wasnt family. On the contrary, he looked just like dad and grandma... so he was one of us, whether I knew him or not. And he gave me a bull. And I named that bull psychopath. And that's kinda awesome. Good bye Uncle Bill.... i wish I had known you better... I'm glad I got to see you a couple of months ago. Good bye.... the world is short one of my relatives... and that shouldn't be..... I no longer understand anything about life. And I dont understand anything about death. And I dont know why we go on. And I dont know why we strive every day to do something when ultimately, we are just going to leave this world.... ahhhh.. the cruel joke that is human consciousness. Why do we see things? It would be so much better if all we had to worry about is avoiding predators, eating ocassionally, and finding someone to spread our genes with. That is really the only purpose of life, anywya, right? To make sure that your genes are passed on? Right? Instead we can understand our own mortality. and that's awful. So we grasp for something greater than ourselves. LIke a god, or a country, or a football team, or a profession, or something. something that is timeless because we can't handle our or short span. but there is no way to live forever. Even if you make your mark, it is still, ultimately pointless. I dont know what I'm talking about. Im so tired I can't even see what I'm typing right now.

yoooooo darth maul

So, word is that Ray Park, who you SHOULD know as Darth Maul , has been cast as Snake Eyes in the upcomming (and surely crappy) G.I. Joe Movie. (not cobra-la, unfortunately). I have to say, I really love this casting move. He should be great. Tho, I wonder who they are going to be casting as Stormshadow, everyone's favorite Ninja Assassin. Anyway, way to go, at least for this one.

depressed

So, I was depressed last night. I'm still depressed. and that was one depressing post I made. Still, i'm not going to edit it out.... because i don't do that. Just know that i'm not going to kill myself or anything. it's just that things are very hard on me right now and I hate putting on my face for the world. That's why I need my blog. Because my mask can only be on so long. I can only feign calmness or happiness for so many hours in one day. then, i need to come here and just start typing and see what comes out. and that's what came out.

hurts

School hurts my head because I can't figure it out and its all imploding on me. Life hurts my body because I can't sleep when i want to and can't stay awake when i need to. law school hurts my will because it makes me realize how pointless this all is... life hurts my soul because I never make good friends until i leave them. She hurts my heart because she continues to be nice to me and I'm not quite over it yet and makes me realize once again that serendipity is bullshit and that... well... that i'm a friend... and that's good, but being a friend can be lonely too. (give me a couple of days, ok... its been a ruff semester).

double addendum

that sounds like some awesome porno sex position. Anyhoo... just so we are clear, I was right in my earlier post entitled "reflections." Right about the first part, that is, about liking her more than I should because I was setting myself up for failure. I just want all you out there who told me differently to acknowledge my correctness. that's all Im asking for.

addendum

Of course, anyone who reads this blog will know about my little burning torch....

the truth

I don't have time to cogitate on it... and I've wanted to... but I just haven't had time to think about how I am and where I am after my embarrassment the other night. Is it weird that I really want to think about what it means in the sorta mythos that is stephen? Is it because I'm a geek.? Probably. I think its because I'm an INTJ.... from what i've read, we do those kinds of things. Oh well.... it happens, i guess... I think my problem right now is that I'm still holding out hope... Maybe I shouldn't admit to that. But i can't help it. But, being passive and a weird cat and the kind of guy who'd ultimately rather have a friend than a girlfriend, I won't act any differently, and it won't really affect me, but I'll carry a small torch. A very small little torch that no one can see burning... sigh... it sucks to be the duckie... just once i want to be blaine.

no time

can't write much right now. But I have a lot to write. lots going on in my mind. instead, i'll just leave you with this picture.
It's comming back. real soon, like

wow. WoW

So... I saw maybe the best commercial today. I'm embedding it here even tho i know some of you (andrew) have troubles streaming video. dont care. this actually makes me want to play wow again. tho, it looks like they are ripping off apple. I mean, i dont think there is a copyright or tm violation or anything, but its definitely taking that style. any way... damn this is funny.

what's wrong with me

sigh. can't focus on my work.

rejected

So, I definitely need my "to pretty girls: I'm lonely and pathetic, don't talk to me" t-shirt. I don't want to blog this, but I have to. I got shot down today. It was a gentle let down.. but it was a let down nonetheless. Actually, it would have been better if she had just said "I don't like you... go away." But she didn't. And well... the problem is that I don't feel any different. I feel rejected, but I still like her....I don't have the "you suck" sort of feeling. But I don't have the "walking on sunshine sort of feeling" either. I mean, of course its better to know...but its hard too because I don't feel like changing how I'm acting toward her. I don't even feel like I have to. its better to have a friend than not.... that's always true..but, would I have like it to be different... of course..... no question....so I went home, ate a bunch of chex mix... and now i feel sick....and am trying to do some more work before going to bed.... but... well... I'm hurt.... and its not her fault Its mine. for getting my hopes up...... Its like when Marta asked me if all my problems were caused by her. Well, yes.. but they were my problems... and I'd never blame her. Sarah... I know you said you don't read my blog... but, if you do... well... I won't be weird... I'm just going to continue to be me. but, well, its just sometimes hard for us lonely guys... Sometimes I hate being a ducky. the duck man... duck-er-ino.... sometimes, I wish I were more of a james spader... but alas.... the duckman, i am.... sarah... i just hope you understand that while I may need to be sad in my blog here, I'm not at all mad.... just... well... i continue to be alone. and i dont want to be alone. and that's something i've been trying to remedy. and apparently all the girls im into aren't into me. maybe i should set my sights lower. or maybe I should become a monk. or maybe i should just be ok with being alone. gaaaa.... oh well, a new friend who actually wants to spend time with me is actually a really great thing... still.... see below: (I'm off like a dirty shirt.)

"I want you to know: Despite my appearance at this function, I remain now, and will always be, a Duckman."