me. today. i believe stephen baldwin said it best.

Today had a very auspicious beginning, and it just went down hill from there. I woke up relatively early because I wanted to go or a bike ride. Nothing long...just a 20-30 mile jaunt. SO anyway, I rode up to chardon, and somehow took a wrong turn and went something like 10-12 miles in the wrong direction, got totally lost, eventually found my way back, but not before the weather decided to pour for about 1 hour of my ride. No shit, my clothes are still wet. Anyway, that hour basically sucked. But I wasn't too unhappy about it. not really. I mean, it was a great ride over all--60 miles in a little over 3 hours, at an average pace of over 18mph. That's a serious pace.

The problem is, for some reason, riding always makes me think about dad. I have no idea why; Suzi thought that it has something to do with all the endorphins and blood flowing into my brain that releases all kinds of thoughts and feelings. That sounds fine to me. But whatever, I've spent most of the rest of the day alternating between being depressed and crying. And now I'm drinking and watching TV, when I should be working or something. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me; grief is such a strange thing. It hit me out of no where, as it always does, and i just can't shake it right now. I think a lot of it has to do with being completely alone right now. Being alone in the house isn't really a bad thing. But being alone to my thoughts can be dangerous, because, as I've often said, my thoughts run round and round and i cant stop them and I wish I could

Im a crier. I dont hide from it; why bother. I'm barely a 'man' at all, why should i deny yet another non-manly part of me. But sometimes I wish I wasn't a crier. Sometimes I wish I could be cold and suppress my emotions. That way I wouldnt feel so shitty as I do right now. Cause man oh man, i feel pretty super shitty right now. Dad was so much stronger than I am. dad wasn't afraid all the time. dad didn't suffer from these terrible doubts. i miss him terribly.