I find it amazing how my mind can get so cloudy, and then so clear after tremendous physical exertion. I was feeling terrible yesterday. So, I went for a good, long bike ride. about 40 miles. Originally I was intending more like 25, but i decided to put on more miles. Now, this was a difficult ride. My legs weren't cooperating, my head was in the clouds, I was cold, and there was a headwind for much of the ride. But today, I feel 100% better...except for the fact that I can't stop snacking on crap.

Anyway, I rode up toward mayfield and decided to visit dad while I was up there. I find it strange that I have this compulsion to visit. I mean, I'm not religious at all, and even if i were, I wouldn't believe his 'spirit' or something lingered around his grave. I think, in part, its some degree of admittance to myself. I'm having these issues. I think the thing I admire most about dad was how he did, and was excellent at, whatever needed to be done. Me...I find I have a very steep learning curve. I get good at things over time, but I don't feel naturally good at anything. The only reason I majored in politics was because it was one of the few things I just did well. Sure, I worked at it...paranoia made me work hard in school, but in reality, it was just something that made sense to me. but did it fulfill me? hardly. I had some great profs. but I wouldn't call it anything that really stimulated me intellectually. I was much more interested in religious studies... where I did well, but not nearly as well. and i worked my ass off. Now, some may say that I did law naturally well, but that's not true. The truth is, it was just more school, and by the time I got to law school, I was really good at school. Further, several of my classes were similar in style to law classes. So, I felt relatively well prepared for law school.

Herein lies my current problem. I have this steep learning curve--it takes me a long time before I get good at anything--I have no experience at 'real' law and I won't be good right away.... and if i try to go into something else, i won't be good at that right away either. but, I'm at the point in my life, where I want to be able to provide. for myself, for my family if needed. But I can seem to even get started. and I'm scared that even if i do find some job, I'll falter at it because I can't do what's asked of me.

I wonder if dad had these self esteem issues. I doubt it. I think he just saw something he wanted to do and did it. no question. Me, its all questions. I want to be more like dad in that respect.

Id really like to find a therapist. I think I have a lot of issues that I need to work thru. But first, I actually need to get paid. and a steady job would be nice. sigh.