I always write, knowing full well that other people read this blog. I write normally for you all in some way... because I want to let you know what I'm thinking. Well... this one is all me. because its all depressing crap
So, I haven't been this depressed in years. years. probably since i was back at Oberlin. When i was lonely. and confused. and feeling like everything was pointless. that's how I am right now. Right here. Im lonely. Im confused. I dont understand why i work so fucking hard when ultimately it doesnt matter. I dont understand why it is that whenever i actively try to get someone to like me, it never works out. I dont understand why i can't handle pressure. I dont understand why im such a fucking fuck up. I dont understand why im so fucking unhappy. I dont understand why im so fucking alone. I dont know what the fuck im doing in law school. I dont know what the fuck im doing next year. I dont know who the fuck i am any more. I dont understand why i never see the people i call my friends. I dont understand fucking anything. I'm done. Ive had it. Im finished. life has beaten me. I didnt even make it to 30..... i didnt even make it to 29. this shit isnt worth it. life isnt worth fucking worrying about all teh fucking time. the world is a cold and lonely place. from dirt we are made and to dirt will will return. fucking goddamn. i hate this fucking shit
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2 comments:
whoa whoa whoa! don't you understand all of the awesomeness you have to look forward to at 30?? your joints hurt more, injuries stop healing, your gut increases when you eat nothing, people point and chuckle more often...the list goes on and on! and icing on the cake....today i got my first aarp letter in the mail!! so don't get all down when they're so much to look forward to!!!!
Hmm. So I go away for 4 days or so, and when I come back you've gone from sad law school boy to "i didn't even make it to 30...." boy. I have to say, thats a bit disappointing to read, but I think I understand. I wish we could all be zen, absolve ourselves from want, and not give a fuck that we don't get anything. Not so easy though....
Hmm. Well, if I can speak from my own experience, for the last, oh, lets say 5 years or so, I've made it a point to begin to understand this funny little nut called Kevin. Personally, I went about this by cultivating several email-heavy relationships that allowed me to feel "safe" to begin to express myself and parse out exactly what my deal was.
So I guess what I'm getting at is, despite the fact that we have some of the same thought processes and depression, I feel I have a good understanding of why I act some of the ways that I do, and you (at least in the post), still feel seperated from that. Well, understanding, for all the fun science of it, is not all its cracked up to be. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm all the better for it.... but, well at least for me its like being on the outside looking in. You can see whats going on, but there's still a wall there. Maybe a window. A little soft grass at your feet.... But there's still all the other kids slow dancing to Spandau Ballet inside.
My advice? Plunge yourself face first into every small footstep, every little bike ride, every cup of coffee. I asked a girl out (yay) and have since been more or less blown off (and, uh, I don't mean that in the fun, dirty way....) But I'm actually okay with it. I'm surprised I haven't even thought about it much.... I still haven't figured out why that is. I never asked a girl out before because I feared rejection. For 26 years I feared rejection, and then when it came, admittedly it was a soft, indirect rejection, I paid no mind to it. Wtf?
Hmm. I've had no point so far....
You've spent a lot of time thinking about choice.... What about experience?
I know, I know.... easier said then done. But still....
37 opium laced hits of the kudos shit.
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