i wish i knew

Well, 2009 is over, i think officially. As if to ring in the lunar new year, nicole and i broke up, thus ending the worst year of my life. The hard part is that its not even a 'real' break up, because there was no animosity; nothing really wrong with us. We're just headed in different directions. and i don't think she wanted to be with me even if we were. it just wasn't going to work. oh well, that means more time spent on my explanation of everything. so, i've gotten back into philosophy, listening to a few philosophy podcasts and mentally preparing. on that note, i really think i should see a head doctor. ugh.... i haven't been happy for a continued period for as long as i can remember. ugh ugh ugh.

is it bad

is it bad that when i watched about a son, a documentary about kurt cobain consisting of a series of interviews, that i recognize a lot of my own neuroses and psychoses in what he said? 'cause it worries me. I feel crazy right now. I feel like im spiraling down into despair, depression, self-loathing, insecurity, you name it. It feds itself; i cant seem to break free. yes, it worries me.

a phenomonolgy: a new beginning

So, I'm writting again, but not much right now. I've been thinking about my personal philosophy again and I really need to write. funny, whenever I'm crazy depressed, i turn to the blog. ok, morethinking needs to be done.

mom

Life with mom has gotten worse recently and i dont really know why. She really absolutely doesn't listen to me about anything at all. for whatever reason, my opinion just glides right over here without any affect. she seems to have much more respect for my siblings. Is it because i can't seem to get out on my own? Is it because I'm a screw up? I know Im not good at saying things to her in ways that she'll listen, but really sometimes you'd think she'd take my advice. It used to be that she just wouldn't listen about working out. If i suggested she work out (which she should because everyone should and because it builds bones and because i want her to live for a long time) she'd ignore me. but now, its basically about everything. I can't stand it.

my phenominology: a beginning

I figure the best place to start is at the beginning. As Marry Poppins said, its a very good place to start

I. proof of existence
I think you have to start with Descartes. I think therefore I am. Cogito ergo sum. I think that's certainly how you have to begin. and I think its correct. We are nothing more than brains. Our experience of the world is merely the sum of the stimuli we receive from the outside world. And there must not be an object outside world, because no two people experience the world the same. Take me for example. I'm a little bit color blind. When I do those tests in the eye doctor with the numbers and the bubble colors, I can't make them all out. So I see color a bit funny. But funny is only really 'different than other people.' What's to say that the colors I see are any less true than the colors other people see? Sure, you could tell me the exact wavelength of green. But again, its our experience of the world that defines our existence. People who are brain dead--who have no experience of the outside world--are physically alive, but they are dead to the world. I do not think there for I am not. Andrew, I need a translation.

But I have a problem with I think therefore I am. What about viri? or bacteria? They don't 'think' in the same way that we do, or even in the same way that fish do. So do they not 'exist?' It would be dangerous and anthropocentric to merely rely on the 'thinking to exist' belief. Unless, I elide this arguement and more right to what does "I am" mean? More interestingly for me is: what does it mean to exist as a human in the world? What does it mean to exist as a human in the modern world? those are two different questions, I think.

Ok. that's a brief start. I like thinking thru these things. I think its important for my brain, which has been feeling sluggish recently. I'm terrified of my brain withering. I think mental exercises are necessary to stay sharp. I think this is going to be a good thing.

a rant

ok.... this will be quick. I've ranted to andrew about this numerous times. A friend of the family, whom I am friends with on facebook, changes her status about 10 times a day, usually ending her quote with "...trust in the greater plan." I'm at the point where i cant take it any more. There is no greater plan. WYSIWYG. What you see is what you get. Sure, i've been extra nihilistic recently, but even so, i can't 'trust that everything happens for a reason and everything will work out in time.' nope. just doesn't happen that way. things work out or they don't. some people are luckier than others. there is no destiny. there is no greater plan.

mom's watching touched by an angel and this show makes me want to dig my eyes out.

ok. enough ranting.

an open door

I find it strange how much I love the american cowboy myth. But I do...I do so much. One thing I find particularly interesting is that there are both good and bad cowboys in the cowboy myth. At first, i didn't think this was strange/unique/whatever. But I now think its sort of special about cowboys. Because I think that a lot of times when mythological heroes turn bad, they become something else. An evil knight isn't really a night any more. He's just a guy with a sword. But the old west of myth was all about cowboys v. other cowboys (or banditos, i suppose). And I think that's kind of cool. Now, this isn't a developed theory or anything, but I think there may be something to it.

Whatever, I love cowboys. Everything about them. Normally I don't care for horses, but I love cowboys on horses. Normally I dont like guns, but man or man do I love the colt peacemaker. Hats, boots, dusters, cigarillos, everything. its all awesome.

So, I'm mildly embarssed to admit, but i have an odd obsession with "True Blood." The show is utter trash, but I find it oddly compelling. I'd say that its my thing for vampire stories, but this is outrageously trashy. Still, i find it oddly compelling.

whatever.